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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have fallen in love, it can't go anywhere, I need to stop it now, help me please

58 replies

getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 17:54

Its all in the title.

Have been seeing him for about four months, he is beautiful, funny, generous and nice to me. But he is alot younger than me. It will not go anywhere. He has a very full and active social life outside of our relationship, which is fine. I, however have dc so have very strong commitments elsewhere. We see each other every couple of weeks for a couple of days and its the best time ever.

However I have come back today from seeing him and I am feeling so sad and missing him so much that I actually feel quite ill with it Sad. I think I am in love with him now. This is NOT a good thing and I am really quite angry at myself for allowing it to go this far.

So I am not being a drama queen here but I am going to have to end it, go cold turkey etc, but I feel shakey and sick just thinking that. I cannot afford to let it go any further, he has done nothing wrong to me at all but has been very clear from the outset that this was a casual relationship. I thought I could handle that but I can't, i have never been the type to so I don't know why I thought I could now.

As background I was in a very unloving and abusive relationship for many years and have spent most of my adult life feeling unloved, unattractive in face believing myself to be a downright disgusting person. I don't actually think I am ever going to get over that and those feelings. I think I will have to be on my own forever because I simply cannot handle emotions and strong feelings without panic.

I am sorry this is jumbled but I am in such a bad place. I need to end this don't I, I know that but it just feels so, so awful. Even some practical tips on how to handle a break up etc because at the moment I am scared even of the next two days ie the weekend because it has no routine to it and seems endless. I am going to tell him tonight.

OP posts:
Gumby · 16/03/2012 17:56

What is the age gap? Are we talking Caroline flack & Harry styles
?
Cos calista flockhart & Harrison ford make it work

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 17:56

Wait! Hang on! You could talk to him. How do you know he doesn't feel the same? You could be giving up a good thing when you don't need too.

Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 18:01

Age gap is 13 years. I do not look at all my age, he knows how old I am and it doesnt seem to bother him ie he has introduced me to friends etc but I know that he is not in it for the long term, I just know it. He has a very different lifestyle to me, it would not accommodate my dc etc. I think this is more about my feelings than his, I just can't cope with the strength of my own feelings, I am actually frightened by them Sad. Last time I felt this way about anyone he cheated on me repeatedly and abused me in every single way possible.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 18:02

Is there really such a big age difference between you?

Does it matter to you that he has such an active social life? (it would to me, but actually i think thats my own insecurity and alot of women are ok with it) Do you have a good social life or is he it? I had this when i met DP years ago as i was a single mum so coudlnt get childcare etc.

Does he have any interaction with your children? if not why not? (as in, have you never asked for it? )

Does he live far away? Or is he local? If its a long distance thing then ok, but yes, if he is local and could see you more, there would be alarm bells.

Sounds to me like your feelings are deepening for this guy and you are scared, that doesnt mean you should panic and leave him. You don't know, but he might like you as much as you like him. Why not give him the chance to tell you that - ask him? Ask him if he thinks this will be a long term relationship or just a bit of fun, he might surprise you?

Please dont say anything to him tonight, sleep on it, think about things over the weekend, ask yourself what you want from the relationship and then tell him, just because he is younger than you, doesnt mean he can't give you ant you want.

I am so sorry you are feeling rubbish - I realy hope things work out for you, it seems a shame to turn your tail on this.

kerbear · 16/03/2012 18:05

Firstly you are NOT a disgusting person...whoever told you that is the disgusting one. You are beautiful and pretty and you have to start believing that. Secondly, I feel you should talk to him....tell him how you feel-you might be surprised at the reaction. You won't know unless you talk and you could be throwing something brilliant away. Don't make yourself ill over it-it's just not worth it. You are a strong woman and you CAN do this xx

Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 18:06

Its long distance. He asks about my dc but it has not been raised as a possibility of them meeting, for a start I myself have not known him long enough. I wouldn't want to introduce anyone for at least a year and only then if I knew it was for the long haul.

It doesn't really matter to me that he has an active social life, I do worry a bit because as a young, good looking man he obviously has very many opportunities to meet other YOUNG good looking girls. My social life is ok, but different, not clubbing etc. Probably out with mates three or four times a month.

Thanks for answering me. I feel a bit calmer already. Maybe I should give it a couple of days, maybe with a little less contact with him than usual and give myself a chance to think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 18:09

This last visit, he asked me if I was going on any dates where I live. I said No and explained that when I like someone I don't do that because its just not me. Then I asked him if he was dating anyone else and he said "No" and then just looked at me for a while. I didn't know what else to say or what it mean't so left it there.

OP posts:
Sockspence · 16/03/2012 18:12

Be realistic about what you want out of finishing it. If you're secretly expecting to shock him into admitting that he does want something more than casual, are you prepared to be disappointed if he actually just says "OK then, see ya?"

Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 18:21

I haven't actually thought about how he will feel. I am sure he won't be that bothered given how clear he has been about not wanting anything serious. This is entirely about wanting some peace in my head. I've spent years trying to second guess a man that could not be predicted in anyway and I don't feel that I have the head room to second guess THIS particular relationship. Given that there are so many issues from the outset, well one massive one, the age gap.

OP posts:
Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 18:22

I actually feel like I am just waiting for him to find someone better and dump me anyway and I feel like that ALL the time when I am away from him. I would rather just do a clean break and not have to worry about that all the time.

OP posts:
Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 18:23

My best friend is 14 years older than her DP, they have been together about 30 years :)

noddyholder · 16/03/2012 18:26

I think this is more about you not trusting him than the age gap.

hopkin · 16/03/2012 18:26

The age gap doesn't need to be an issue. I'm with someone 10 years younger than me and it's fine (so far!).

Do you feel like you could be honest with him about the fact that you've unexpectedly started to have feelings for him? Don't assume that you necessarily know what he's feeling. Think about talking to him.

Goawaybob · 16/03/2012 18:28

"This last visit, he asked me if I was going on any dates where I live. I said No and explained that when I like someone I don't do that because its just not me. Then I asked him if he was dating anyone else and he said "No" and then just looked at me for a while. I didn't know what else to say or what it mean't so left it there."

He asked this because he clearly likes you and was in the generally inarticulate manner that men do things, trying to see how you feel about him. He didnt want to scare you off by saying he wanted you to be just dating him - but he wanted to know that you were. This is a good thing.

Don't dump him - The age gap isnt an issue, the distance is a bit of one, but my relationship with DP was from a long distance relationship, it was hard, but 20 years later and i cant get rid of the fecker!

Bucharest · 16/03/2012 18:39

Don't give up on him just yet.

It might actually be your turn! Smile

FishfingersAreOK · 16/03/2012 18:48

So if you are thinking of finishing the relationship because you love him, then the end result would be not to see him again.

Stop. Think about it. Deep Breath.

Tell him how you feel. That way you could have other results

  1. You never see him again
  2. He says he feels the same and you continue to see each other.

Though this would be HUGELY scary in many ways - exposing your feelings. your soul. Opening yourself up to be hurt. Letting him in close. Risking being rejected. Risking him saying no thanks. All risks. All scary. But at least you will have tried. You will not regret giving it a shot. You may regret forever not at least telling him how you feel and potentially opening your life up to a whole future together.

Go on. Be brave. Nothing to lose.

alwayshappytolisten · 16/03/2012 18:59

I've been where you are and wish I'd listened to my instincts earlier on. We were deeply in love and I went with the emotion but in the end the circumstances were insurmountable and we both ended up heartbroken. Was it worth the risk? On some levels yes as I had some of my best experiences ever with him. Would I do it again with the benefit of hindsight? I'm not sure. The pain hasn't faded enough for me to be objective.

My advice would be to think it through carefully and maybe take a few weeks' break and see what impact that has on both of you. It's not just you that will be affected in the longterm there's also your DCs to consider - it's a package deal.

Good luck.

Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 19:23

alwayshappy that is how i feel. My gut tells me this cannot possibly end well. I have ignored that feeling before and regretted it deeply. I think the idea of a break is a good one.

I don't honestly think I can bring myself to tell him about my feelings. I just won't get the answers I want and I can't face it. And I can't face carrying on this way either, always wondering when my age will become an issue, always wondering if he is about to go off with someone younger who can commit to him completely. I realise this is MY problem. I think a clean break is the best thing.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/03/2012 19:24

I'm not surprised you're terrified with all you went through with your ex. I'm really sorry to hear it ((hug)).

Plus, gorgeous young man is very slightly unavailable isn't he? Maybe you thought you would have a fun, no strings, ego boost... but now it's all getting out of hand. I don't think the age thing is so much of an issues - unless he's 21 tbh. yy some 21yo guys are up for a full-on, serious, lifelong partnership but not that many.

Have you had any counselling about your experiences with your ex? It sounds like there is still a lot of trauma associated with him. Again, I'm so sorry to hear how bad it was for you.

Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 19:26

And it already is affecting my DC, I am preoccupied and have less headspace, they pick up on this stuff. It's not fair on them. I think I have just got to accept that I will be alone in life because I just can't manage the emotions and feelings in relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
getmeoverthis · 16/03/2012 19:28

He is 27. Thanks for the hug Smile

I think you just summed it up springydaffs it's all got a bit out of hand and I'm not equipped for it .

OP posts:
maleview70 · 16/03/2012 19:36

Feelings always get in the way of fun don't they!

The age gap is something that could become an issue of he wants children of his own.

The fear that he will run off with someone younger is irrational. You could be with a 40 odd year old bloke who is equally as capable of that!

I think if you do end it he will show his hand anyway. If he just accepts it without a fight then maybe he was just in it for fun which is clearly not enough for you.

Personally I am all for letting things roll. If you get hurt then you get hurt. Life stops being easy when you reach the age of 11!

janelikesjam · 16/03/2012 19:39

Possibly if you speak to him about some of this, you may get confirmation of what you are thinking.

Like others, I do not think the age gap is such a big thing. I think it is more relevant that you have a "feeling" he is not "in it" for the same reasons as you, and your gut instinct may be telling you this, listen carefully.

The best thing is to ask him, and take it from there.

springydaffs · 16/03/2012 20:45

If you get hurt then you get hurt. Life stops being easy when you reach the age of 11

Sorry to bang on about this but, having also been in a relationship that was terrifying and has left me with some serious trauma issues, it isn't possible for someone in my, and OP's, position to just 'let it roll'. There's a lot of terror involved - over and above by the bucketload the usual (primal?) insecurity and fear when it looks like a relationship is getting serious.

springydaffs · 16/03/2012 20:49

I've just remembered that I fell in love with someone who was 27 to my blah blah (ahem, a leetle more than 13 years). Looking back on it, I thought it was an easy bet, not too serious. HOwever, 27 is not that young is it? I was totally kidding myself - he was a man, not a flibberty thing. I got hurt I must say - not because he was horrible but because, frankly, it wouldn't take much to hurt me tbh.