I have fallen in love, it can't go anywhere, I need to stop it now, help me please

[getmeoverthis]

Its all in the title.

Have been seeing him for about four months, he is beautiful, funny, generous and nice to me. But he is alot younger than me. It will not go anywhere. He has a very full and active social life outside of our relationship, which is fine. I, however have dc so have very strong commitments elsewhere. We see each other every couple of weeks for a couple of days and its the best time ever.

However I have come back today from seeing him and I am feeling so sad and missing him so much that I actually feel quite ill with it . I think I am in love with him now. This is NOT a good thing and I am really quite angry at myself for allowing it to go this far.

So I am not being a drama queen here but I am going to have to end it, go cold turkey etc, but I feel shakey and sick just thinking that. I cannot afford to let it go any further, he has done nothing wrong to me at all but has been very clear from the outset that this was a casual relationship. I thought I could handle that but I can't, i have never been the type to so I don't know why I thought I could now.

As background I was in a very unloving and abusive relationship for many years and have spent most of my adult life feeling unloved, unattractive in face believing myself to be a downright disgusting person. I don't actually think I am ever going to get over that and those feelings. I think I will have to be on my own forever because I simply cannot handle emotions and strong feelings without panic.

I am sorry this is jumbled but I am in such a bad place. I need to end this don't I, I know that but it just feels so, so awful. Even some practical tips on how to handle a break up etc because at the moment I am scared even of the next two days ie the weekend because it has no routine to it and seems endless. I am going to tell him tonight.

Getmeoverthis - I was in your position once. I was separated, vulnerable, 3dcs, aged 36 and felt I would never meet anyone again.

At a party I met this gorgeous man. He was good looking, a great dancer and the funniest person I'd ever met. We were inseparable all night, chatted non-stop and got on so well. At 6 in the morning (!) he asked if I had a boyfriend. Then he asked how old I was...I liked him so much and wanted to see him again so I considered lying but I didn't. He didn't miss a beat, so I plucked up the courage to ask him his age...he was 26. My heart sank because I 'knew' it wouldn't lead to anything and I liked him so much, he was amazing. He lived an hour and a half away, the other side of London so I really thought that was that. Added to that, he was in a very cool band with loads of groupies (girls at the party were all over him - he brushed them all away). He took my number and I was amazed when he texted me - we had a date later that week which was even more fabulous than the first night.
We saw each other for a couple of months afterwards, each time was absolutely wonderful. However, the whole time I placed so much stress on myself, wondering when he was going to dump me, I made myself miserable. I decided to shut my eyes, jump in and just enjoy the limited time we had together.

After 8 weeks he told me he loved me. Three years later we live together, are engaged and are trying for a baby (sadly we lost one in October). He adores my DC, and when I moan about my age, says at the beginning he PREFERRED me to all these girls throwing themselves at him because I am 'genuinely sexy' (his words, not mine) more mature, know my own mind, and love him because of him, not his band.

I may have some new fertility issues and he has said several times that he honestly loves my DC so much he feels he has children anyway, so not the end of the world if we don't have one of our own. I know he's being kind but it means so much.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to show off but wanted to demonstrate that you should most definitely see where this goes because age does not have to be a barrier. You are probably a welcome change to young, fluffy clubbers, all pretty in a made-up way, but interchangeable. He could be spending all his time with them - but he takes time to come and see YOU! And shows a bit of vulnerability by asking if you date other people...hmmm! I don't think it would hurt to gently tell him you really, really like him, in a non-bunny-boiler-esque fashion.

Ooh, spellcheck that is SUCH a lovely story, thanks for sharing with us!
OP it's hard not to stress isn't it? Maybe you need to open your heart a little to the possibility that he might feel the same way as you. Yes, you will be stepping out of your comfort zone and risk getting hurt, but I think if you end it like this you will drive yourself silly agonising about what might have been etc.

OP, so what are your choices here - lets look.

1. end it now, without having a clue how he actually feels because your past experience are filling you with fear and negativity - you think he cant possibly actually really like you for you, so you will self defeat, end it, show him you dont actually care and he might accept it.

2. Tell him how you feel. Could go one of 2 ways, either spook him and he runs a mile - and you are no worse off than option 1., or maybe, he could feel the same way and stick around...

3. do nothing for a while. see how it goes. stop stressing, try and relax, try and just go with the flow and see where it takes you - he might not be the one for you - in which case you will find that out, or, he may be someone who makes you very happy for a very long time- in which case you will find that out!

why are you opting to end it before its had chance to develop into anything? i ll tell you why, cos your self esteem is shite and you took a battering from your ex, you think your worthless and wonder how any man worth his salt could possibly think of you as a serious bet.

i bet you are wrong. Why cause yourself misery now? Give yourself a flipping chance to be happy woman!

I also think you should give him a chance (nothing you have said about him sounds ominous), at least but while you are doing that, get yourself some counselling. If you've had a horrible past relationship that has trashed your self esteem, you do need a bit of extra help to process it and move on from it. The man you're seeing at the moment may be a lovely person who has strong feelings for you, or he may be a nice enough person who is not interested in a serious relationship and has been honest about this - or he may be a manipulative arsehole. If your boundaries have been fucked up it may be hard for you to tell which sort he is.

Well vicarinatutu it's quite clearly number one, which I did sort realise but you clarified it for me. I don't actually think I am able to move past feeling like that though. I feel totally frozen in fact .

No SGB there is nothing ominous about him at all, he is very straightforward but almost every moment I am with him I am frightened he is thinking badly of me, thinking I look old, judging and comparing me etc and it's only a matter of time before he realises and dumps me.

We had a lovely couple of days together but I just keep going over and over what I might have said and done to put him off and I always think he will realise at any moment how much better he can do.

I don't actually think any amount of counselling will ever change this. It's part of my psyche now.

oh give over - how the fuck have i clarified you ending it? you know damn well that i posted that to show you there are other options - but im not you and if you want to end a potentially good relationship because you believe to be the right thing despite so many people saying do some fact finding first - then there is nothing more i can say!

you have clearly made up your mind, so best of luck.

I don't actually think any amount of counselling will ever change this. It's part of my psyche now

You are so wrong there OP! Have you ever had any counselling? I think you would need, as I have had/having, a proper, indepth look at the effects of your past. I think you underestimate how effective good quality therapy is. It really does change things and you really do get the chance to reboot the course of your life and heal.

No! I meant you clarified exactly how I feel not that is what I should do. Sorry if I worded it wrongly. The bit about thinking he can't actually really like me and wanting to end it so it doesn't look like I care. I didn't think you were confirming I should do that at all. It is how I feel though.

woh vicar, hold up! I didn't read OP's post like that at all. Bit aggressive sweetie - give her a break!

Phew!

you have to talk to this bloke i think, but in the meantime do look into counselling - i can change things (i hope - im having it atm to alter self esteem....im told CBT is good for addressing self esteem issues)

sorry wasnt meant to sound aggressive - but i thought she when she said it was quite clearly number 1....(read it again and i said end it now....) i dont want to be responsible for someone ending a potentially decent relationship!

it can change things....typo ^

oh jesus im off to bed. sorry op.

Okay, regardless of what he may or may not be feeling himself, I think actually you should break up with him, and get some counselling. Even if he is falling for you, I don't think you sound ready to have a solid, healthy relationship with anyone right now -- for perfectly understandable reasons.

You are NOT too far gone for counselling. Were you born with these problems? No, they were things you acquired as life went on. You can get rid of them, you just need some guidance on ways to do it. CBT is GREAT, honestly, it saved my life.

I think you should listen to your instincts. You are not ready for this.

You are not a bad person, of course not, and you deserve to be happy. I just think you should get yourself into a better mental place before you put your heart in someone else's hands again.

DreamingBohemian has a point: if you are feeling this messed up, you need to get some proper help, because even if he's a really really nice man who does actually want to stick around, you're potentially dumping a very heavy load on him. No other person can 'fix' you by having or staying in a relationship with you. Being loved by him will not cure deep-rooted problems, and if you are going to be fretting endlessly about whether or not he will stay, you will end up poisoning what could be something enjoyable.

Exactly, SGB.

I say this as someone who messed up a lot of relationships that could have been quite nice. In retrospect, I see that as long as I was feeling the way I did, no relationship could have survived.

I'm now married to a lovely man. If I hadn't gone to counselling and gotten my head together, we never would have worked out.

You have your DC, and you have plenty of time to find another man to have a nice time with (especially if you look younger than you are!) There's no hurry. Slow down, get some help, find some peace first.

He sounds nice, where did you meet him?

he is nice but not the right one for me I don't think, though I do wish it could be different. I wish I could just relax and enjoy it but I can't. Maybe I should look at counselling because I certainly can't carry on like this. I should really try anything that could help.

I keep saying to myself once I have ended this and got over it then I will NEVER get involved again because I know I just can't do relationships without the overwhelming emotion being real fear almost terror and I'm not exaggerating that. But then I feel so at the thought of being alone forever.

But maybe some people just cannot do relationships and should accept that and I'm one of them.

Oh I met him on a night out, friend of a friend.

" you will end up poisoning what could be something enjoyable."

I think I have already done this.

Only in your head, my love .

Oh spellcheck! That's lovely!

I really think you have to tell him op otherwise you'll never know! You'll spend years wondering.

getmeoverrthis - been where you are :)

I told him bluntly that I could not act 'normally' because of my past. I could not trust, could not love, could not relax control over my feelings.

He accepted that.

I have 'dated' him for ages now and love the time spent with him

Little steps. Just take each day at a time. You don't have to commit. You don't owe him anything. Be selfish and enjoy yourself.

Just read your more recent posts. You are full of such negativity that its shocking. Seriously, counselling is the way to go! I've done it, its great. Nothing to be scared of at all.

My Mum physically abused me with punches, kicking, strangling, slaps, spitting in my face and telling me she wished she had aborted me throughout my childhood. I was terrified of her. My Dad was away all the time and when he was there he would try to stand up to her and then when she went nuts at him would walk out on the piss and leave me to deal with her. I was about 13 when it was at its peak so it never really ended well.

My ex Husband, cheated on me with prostitutes, one night stands, affairs etc throughout my pregnancies and marriage. He told me that it was MY fault because I had made him marry me (not true, he seemed more than willing). He punched me, shoved me and told me he was not surprised that my Mum had done what she did to me because I drove everyone to it. He would disappear for weeks on end and said it was because he couldn't stand to be around me (wouldnt leave me permanently though) he had his "rights" after all. I once asked him to take my dc to the park alone so I could get some housework done and he told me I was a lazy cunt (that happened alot of times though) and the argument ended with him threatening him to slit my throat. That happened a few times too. He told me he would tell Social Services about me, I was mental, they would give him my kids. He still tells me I am mental and manipulative almost every week via text message. In the middle of a supermarket once after he called me a filthy name and I shouted at him, he told everyone who looked that I had mental health issues and he would take me outside to call an ambulance and they believed him. There is so so much more.

So yes I am full of negativity but at least I realise it and am realistic in knowing that nothing can reasonably be done about it. Counselling will be like putting a plaster over a gun shot wound. I have full awareness of my difficulties and thats why I don't think I should inflict them on anyone else and should keep away from situations that will make me feel even worse than I already do.

No you are wrong. Counselling is brilliant. It sows seeds that keep on growing long after you've stopped going. You don't even realise that its working at first. I woke up one day and realised that i finally didn't feel guilty about everything. That i could say no to people without the world ending. Something which i couldn't do before. It improved my self worth so much.

I can't help feel that you are so negative about everything that you are even negative about getting help.

Btw what you've been through sounds awful.