I have fallen in love, it can't go anywhere, I need to stop it now, help me please

[getmeoverthis]

Its all in the title.

Have been seeing him for about four months, he is beautiful, funny, generous and nice to me. But he is alot younger than me. It will not go anywhere. He has a very full and active social life outside of our relationship, which is fine. I, however have dc so have very strong commitments elsewhere. We see each other every couple of weeks for a couple of days and its the best time ever.

However I have come back today from seeing him and I am feeling so sad and missing him so much that I actually feel quite ill with it . I think I am in love with him now. This is NOT a good thing and I am really quite angry at myself for allowing it to go this far.

So I am not being a drama queen here but I am going to have to end it, go cold turkey etc, but I feel shakey and sick just thinking that. I cannot afford to let it go any further, he has done nothing wrong to me at all but has been very clear from the outset that this was a casual relationship. I thought I could handle that but I can't, i have never been the type to so I don't know why I thought I could now.

As background I was in a very unloving and abusive relationship for many years and have spent most of my adult life feeling unloved, unattractive in face believing myself to be a downright disgusting person. I don't actually think I am ever going to get over that and those feelings. I think I will have to be on my own forever because I simply cannot handle emotions and strong feelings without panic.

I am sorry this is jumbled but I am in such a bad place. I need to end this don't I, I know that but it just feels so, so awful. Even some practical tips on how to handle a break up etc because at the moment I am scared even of the next two days ie the weekend because it has no routine to it and seems endless. I am going to tell him tonight.

gmot - you are sabotaging your own life and letting your mum and ex husband carry on ruining your life. You need to take the first step to helping yourself and that first step could be to just enjoy the relationship for what it is now.

I agree you're wrong about counselling. It would make the world of difference to you.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through.

Counseling will help. You are not broken beyond repair.

You say it's like having a gunshot wound, well people do survive those, right? Not by sticking a plaster on it but with proper surgery, rest and recovery. That's what counseling is. It's not a quick fix but over time you will get better and better.

I do agree that 6 weeks of counselling through the GP, with a counsellor who has had limited training, is not going to cut it for you. But, like me and some of the people on your thread, you will have to get down and dirty with some serious therapy to uproot the truly terrible things that have happened to you.

NOT going would be sticking a plaster over the shit and damage that will just sit there until it's addressed. imo you will not be able to have a healthy relationship for the rest of your life if you don't deal with this - dire warning indeed, but that's just the reality.

It's not as if what you've been through is small, is it? Got a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it tbh. No wonder you went on to an extremely abusive marriage after what you'd been through as a child

there's a LOT of treatment out there, a whole community of people who have been seriously fucked up as children and bear the scars in adulthood. You're far from alone, sadly

My dh has more serious issues and has been referred to the local mental health hospital for more intensive help. There might be similar available to you. I have also been to this hospital and it was fine. I was a bit nervous about what it would be like but it was really fine. Don't just dismiss the idea, it might be just what you need.

go and look into counselling - i am having EMDR to deal with childhood trauma, and CBT to aid with self esteem issues. I am also having hypnotherapy, my counsellor thinks it will only take a fairly short time to help me.

Go and see your GP. Dont let your childhood issues ruin the rest of your life - im not. It can be done.

what's EMDR vicar?

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a form of psychotherapy used to resolve trauma disorders such as ptsd.

Some controversy surrounds this therapy as it is not amenable to scientific inquiry.

I'm pleased to learn that you're also having hynotherapy sessions Vicar, and another alternative therapy you may find helpful is EFT (emotional freedom technique).

Search Brad Yates on youtube and get tapping on other parts of your body - not just on your hands! I often use Brad's 'tap of the morning' to kickstart a potentially stressful day.