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Original poster

Starting to get cross with DHs rejection of unwanted pregnancy?

65 replies

outofproportion · 15/03/2012 10:46

We are very compatible, usually having a good time, have a great relationship and marriage --- until recently.

This is what derailed us quite a bit: 2 kids already, I was keen for another, he was a bit undecided, leaning towards ?no?, but not totally vetoing another baby.

We never used ?conventional? contraception (he doesn?t like condoms, I don?t like the pill). We have always either used temperature charting (which if done properly works well) or the plain calendar method. We had 2 accidental pregnancies because of the calendar method: our kids. (We got happily married because I got pregnant).

So, also this time we had no contraception in place, apart from calendar method. I used to chart my temperature and let Dh know when it is a ?dangerous? time but stopped charting a while ago? So I wasn?t that sure whether I ovulated on day 12 or 18? (my cycles have been a bit wacky since DC2). Not ideal for calendar method, I know, but as I wasn't dead set against another baby that didn't bother me so much.

Now I am pregnant and feel guilty about it, as if I tricked him. Of course I wasn?t as paranoid about contraception as I was in my teens, but is this entirely my fault? My best friend blamed me quite a bit for getting pregnant.

Dh doesn?t want the baby and says I am ruining everything. If it were up to him he?d want me to get an abortion. But he says it is my decision. Fair enough, I don?t want an abortion? I have given him lots of space for his denial and not wanting the baby.

But I am getting tired of feeling guilty and of tiptoeing around him. Although he says it is my decision, he makes his unhappiness with the situation very clear by not talking that much to me and being and pretty cold to me. Ok, I don?t expect to ?share? this pregnancy with him like I did before (he for example didn?t come to my recent 12 week scan.)

Is there anything I could do to change this situation?
How much more space and time does he need?

Just another bit of info that might be important: Dh also got an ex-girlfriend pregnant, before we met. So all in all this is his 4th "surprise" pregnancy.

OP posts:

boredandrestless · 15/03/2012 10:51

Maybe he should take a little more responsibility in his sex life, and be wearing a condom unless he is sure he wants to make a baby.

I'm sorry but I also think that you too should have been a little more careful knowing he wasn't fully on board with having a 3rd child. You are now in a position where you could very well end up a single mum to 3 dcs. I do sympathise with your current situation, I know this isn't obvious from the start of my post but I do feel for you despite the sillyness of neither of you taking control of family planning.

P.S. He is a TWAT not to go to the 12 week scan with you. Do you have someone else in RL supporting you through your pregnancy?

TroublesomeEx · 15/03/2012 10:51

Well he might want to consider alternative, and more reliable, contraception if he doesn't want any more 'surprise' children.

Adversecamber · 15/03/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theincredibequeenofwands · 15/03/2012 10:58

Weird.

Men who don't want children wear condoms.

It really is as simple as that.

Husband aside, how are you? Do you have other support? Everything you need?

Do you think he'll eventually come round?

RitaMorgan · 15/03/2012 11:00

If he doesn't want any more babies, he should he using contraception or getting a vasectomy! This is his responsibility.

You both knowlingly took the risk, you both have to accept it - he can't blame it on you.

sunshineandbooks · 15/03/2012 11:03

While I think you've both been irresponsible about contraception, I have no patience with him whatsoever. If you don't want a baby, you either abstain from sex or you use reliable contraception. He did neither.

If he was so sure he didn't want to have another child, he could have had a vasectomy - especially since you are in a happy, stable marriage. Given that this is his 4th unplanned pregnancy, I rather think that he's guilty of dumping responsibility for contraception on his female partners, in which case he needs to man up and face the consequences.

Now you are pregnant the only option he has as a decent human being, is to support you through this pregnancy. The baby didn't ask for any of this and deserves the love and care of both parents. If he can't engage, he will do this child a lot of damage, and for what? To show you he's pissed off with you? That would make him a twat of the highest order.

Hopefully he'll come round with time. Good luck and congratulations.

rhondajean · 15/03/2012 11:04

Fourth time can hardly count as a surprise - he must have figured out where they are coming from by now!!!!

Original poster

outofproportion · 15/03/2012 11:05

thanks for the replies so far...

just a quick important note before I dash off: I am definitely not going to have an abortion, because I know I wasn't 110% careful with contraception, so I am happy to deal with the consequences... but yes, you've realised that..

OP posts:

TubbyDuffs · 15/03/2012 11:09

So what happens when the baby arrives, is he going to help out or is he opting out of that too?

I would say if your decision is to keep the baby he needs to get on board, and you both need to discuss the future. It is as much his responsibility as yours.

qazxc · 15/03/2012 11:14

basic biology dictates that it takes TWO people to make a baby. and he should have been more concerned about contraception if he didn't want another child. This is his child and he should support you and stop sulking like a 2 year old that doesn't get his way. I would stop trying to pander to him and get on with the business of preparing for your new baby. congratulations. I hope other people around you are more supportive :)

Coconutty · 15/03/2012 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFergie · 15/03/2012 11:21

Had you told him you had stopped charting your temps? Did he know you were unsure of when you ovulated?
If so he is being a dick of the highest order. He can't abstain responsibility from contraception and then refuse to deal with the consequences.
Tbh even if he didn't know you had stopped he still has responsibility. He didn't wan a third child he should have been very aware of the protections in place. My DH in this situation would have actively checked if we were at a safe time before intercourse.
He seems to have presumed that you were responsible and taking care of contraception which for a man with three accidental pregnancies under his belt is breathtakingly lax.

PurplePidjin · 15/03/2012 11:22

Dp and I are also playing roulette in the same way you have.

We have discussed it, and will both accept the consequences if it "goes wrong"

Your H is not a silly teenager who's bust his ipod. He needs to accept responsibility for his actions, not sulk while you do the work.

bleedingheart · 15/03/2012 11:24

The casual approach didn't work so he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his part in this. Is he giving any indication that he will play any part in this baby's life? Or will you be left on your own?
I don't understand him not using a condom or abstaining if he didn't want a baby and he knew you did?! Bizarre.

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 11:24

You have boith been unreasonable:

YOU for thinking it was OK to mess about wit contraception knowing that deep down your husband didnt want another baby
HIM for not taking responsibility for his own fertility and wearing a bloody rubber!

The baby is on the way now, though, so he does need to man up and stop blaming you. I would have a frank chat with him about his denial and bad attitude - somewhere neutral where you cant start screaming at each other - pub, cafe etc.

Kayano · 15/03/2012 11:35

Did he know you had stopped tracking the temp? If you told him when it was a bad time prev and then stopped
Because you wanted another kid then YABU as you knew he wanted a kid

Granted he
Should have worn a condom but you WERE a little underhand in getting your way

WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill · 15/03/2012 11:42

Agreed with Lucy and Kayano.
It just seems a bit pathetic to say 'well he could have used a condom' whilst knowing full well he wasnt on board with any child that could have been made. YOU could have abstained if you were aware he wouldn't want a potential child created from this situation. Very irresponsible, both of you.

naturalbaby · 15/03/2012 11:49

I've been in a very similar situation and think you've been a bit naive/stupid to expect him to just accept a 4th 'surprise' pregnancy when you knew very well he didn't want another.

If it's that much of an issue for him he should have had the snip.

It can be devastating to a child to feel or know that you are unwanted so you've got a lot of work to do. I discussed it a lot with DH and we both agreed to accept the situation and be positive for the baby. Having said all we wanted/needed to say about the situation we then moved on and enjoyed the rest of the pregnancy as we had with our 1st two.

carabos · 15/03/2012 11:52

His fourth and your third unplanned pregnancy? Haven't you worked out cause and effect yet? How many more unplanned pregnancies are you planning to have?

if your DH doesn't want any more children, then he needs to stop having unprotected sex.

Pandemoniaa · 15/03/2012 12:06

I don't think either of you are being responsible. I also think it is always wrong to force a partner into having another child by a fait accompli. Neither is it fair on the child that results from these underhand tricks. But if your husband really didn't want a 3rd baby with you he should have taken more effective precautions. However, to withdraw his support now that you are pregnant is spiteful and unpleasant. Regardless of the circumstances, your unborn baby does not deserve this.

duckdodgers · 15/03/2012 12:16

Well you are pregnant now - but are you really prepared to rasie this child on your own with little or no input from him? I agree with everyone who says you both should have been more responsible, especially knowing how he felt about it all. Did you secretly want another baby and that was why you stopped charting?

attheendoftheday · 15/03/2012 12:25

He had sex without using (effective) contraception. Contraception is not the woman's responsibility, it's joint one. It's as much his fault as yours, you have nothing to feel guilty about! You are not 'ruining everything' (or at least, only jointly, iyswim).

Not coming to the 12 week scan and otherwise supporting you is really bad behaviour imo.

Would you/he consider couples counselling to try to resolve some of the issues around this?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 15/03/2012 12:38

Why doesn't he get a vasectomy?

carcure · 15/03/2012 12:40

You both sound very irresponsible.

I don't blame you for wanting another child, but you may well have to be prepared to raise it (and your other children) alone. I can't see your relationship lasting much longer beyond this, it is the sort of thing that breaks a marriage.

hackmum · 15/03/2012 12:41

Oh dear. This is his fourth "surprise" pregnancy. He doesn't seem all that clever to me. Either he should use a condom or get a vasectomy.

I have no idea what you should do, I'm sorry. Let's hope that he comes round when the baby's born.

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