Starting to get cross with DHs rejection of unwanted pregnancy?

[outofproportion]

We are very compatible, usually having a good time, have a great relationship and marriage --- until recently.

This is what derailed us quite a bit: 2 kids already, I was keen for another, he was a bit undecided, leaning towards ?no?, but not totally vetoing another baby.

We never used ?conventional? contraception (he doesn?t like condoms, I don?t like the pill). We have always either used temperature charting (which if done properly works well) or the plain calendar method. We had 2 accidental pregnancies because of the calendar method: our kids. (We got happily married because I got pregnant).

So, also this time we had no contraception in place, apart from calendar method. I used to chart my temperature and let Dh know when it is a ?dangerous? time but stopped charting a while ago? So I wasn?t that sure whether I ovulated on day 12 or 18? (my cycles have been a bit wacky since DC2). Not ideal for calendar method, I know, but as I wasn't dead set against another baby that didn't bother me so much.

Now I am pregnant and feel guilty about it, as if I tricked him. Of course I wasn?t as paranoid about contraception as I was in my teens, but is this entirely my fault? My best friend blamed me quite a bit for getting pregnant.

Dh doesn?t want the baby and says I am ruining everything. If it were up to him he?d want me to get an abortion. But he says it is my decision. Fair enough, I don?t want an abortion? I have given him lots of space for his denial and not wanting the baby.

But I am getting tired of feeling guilty and of tiptoeing around him. Although he says it is my decision, he makes his unhappiness with the situation very clear by not talking that much to me and being and pretty cold to me. Ok, I don?t expect to ?share? this pregnancy with him like I did before (he for example didn?t come to my recent 12 week scan.)

Is there anything I could do to change this situation?
How much more space and time does he need?

Just another bit of info that might be important: Dh also got an ex-girlfriend pregnant, before we met. So all in all this is his 4th "surprise" pregnancy.

Thanks for your replies. They are very appreciated and give me some perspective.

The past 2 months I have been living in a bubble and felt totally isolated. No-one knows about the pregnancy apart from a handful of people who have been less than supportive? (Thank you so much for asking if I had any support! Even at the danger that I am going to whine a little bit now: no, I have no-one supporting me in this pregnancy so far..)

I have told my best friend who blamed me quite a bit for getting pregnant.

I have told MIL, (and I haven?t seen her since I told her) and who just phoned to say she IS COMING OVER TODAY ?TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THE BABY? (holy crap!!). She has been slightly manipulative? when I told her that I was pregnant she asked how her son was taking it and I said exactly this: ?well, DH isn?t over the moon??. A few days later she talked to DH about the pregnancy and claimed I said he was happy about it all. Not sure what she hoped to achieve by this and how to handle her? would love to hear some advice on this too.

Am glad to finally get it all out on here. I think the fact that I?ll have to face MIL armed with some real-life opinions (you!) helps a lot.

Other points you have brought up:

Just for the record: we always wanted 2 children, so although they were ?accidents? we were happy with it.. my post sounds a bit confusing in that way, apologies. He is a doting father to the two, even more so since he ?withdraws? love from me and the new baby to focus more on our kids.

I assume a divorce would be off the cards, we are too happy in all other ways and a functioning family. But I realise now that I am playing with fire with regards to the relationship. And I regret it.

When we discuss the future he totally blanks the fact that there will be 3 kids, and the fact that I?ll have a baby in summer, so the holiday plans will be different this year.

I asked him to have a vasectomy before (hoping he?d say ?no? of course) and he said it was too early (late 30s).

I stopped charting 3 years ago really. In those past 3 years I never once said ?it?s the dangerous/fertile days?. I think I told him that I ?have to start charting again, because what we are doing (calendar method) is not safe?.

I am definitely getting my tubes tied after this baby. Or he can get the snip.

I am aware that I was underhand.. and that this is a grey area? that?s why I felt so guilty and taken all the work/blame/responsibility on my shoulders.

Yes, he was leaning not to want another, but never categorically? and when I fell pregnant we were still in the process of weighing all the pros and cons.. also, he once said to me: if DC2 would?ve been the same sex as DC1, he would probably tried for a third to get a different gender.. Not sure how serious she was about this..

Yes, I did secretly want another child (I?ve mentioned that above though haven?t I?)

YANBU-and your dh is a twat. I am in a very similiar postition-have 3 dcs and would not be totally devastated if I had 1 more. Dh is adamant that he doesnt want anymore but wont get the snip and forgets to use condoms

We have also been using the calender method for the past 6 years-hence dc3! I bought up again a few days ago about a vasectomy and he spouted the usual horror stories-I asked him what would be worse-that or another unplanned pregnancy and he couldnt answer.

I have already made it clear that I will not be sterilised as already had major op in that area and lots of other complications-I have more than done my bit.

But your dh not coming to the scan with you is simply unacceptable-give him a kick up the arse. Re mil-smile,nod politely and then tell her its none of her fucking business.

To early for a vasectomy? How can it be too early if he's so convinced he doesn't want any more that he is now rejecting the baby to be and his wife

sorry OP, I think you have been incredibly naive and, like many of us at one time or another and about one thing or another, have had your head in the sand.

There may even have been a little voice telling your broody self that if he was really serious about not wanting any more children, he wouldn't have rejected the vasectomy, or he would be using condoms.

However, what is done is done and him reacting in the way he is doing is irresponsible, unfair, and, yes, unreasonable. I'm not even going to comment on your MIL, she deserves no consideration in this matter. Coming to talk to you about it? Er, I'd be telling mine to fuck off!

It seems that all the 'blame' for this situation is being placed at your feet, and that is wrong.

It's him you need to be talking to. Not his mummy.

Um, no such thing as a "surprise" pregnancy when you are not using contraception. I think you are both as much at fault as the other. If he was dead set against another child, then he should have had a vasectomy!

Too early? Why? If he didn't want another then it was not too early, was it? Mixed messages.

Thanks for the MIL advice.

I agree that she shouldn't at all be considered. And yes, that is even funny: i should be talking to DH, not his mummy. lol!

But I will stick with the advice to smile, nod, and tell her that me and DH will find a solution to all this. i'll not create a drama. Let's see what tonight brings...

Well if he says it's too early to have the snip then he needs to deal with the consequences as a responsible grown up!

Re. your MIL. It's none of her business and there are no options, no 'solutions', therefore nothing to discuss. Your are pregnant, you are going to have a baby. End of.

Are you Catholics?

He's being a knob. It is very easy (and has none of the side effects of hormonal contraception that they expect women to use) to get a vasectomy or use condoms if you don't want kids so I never have any sympathy at all with me who whine about people getting pregnant when they didn't do either. As far as I'm concerned a man who consented to sex consented to possible pregnancy (as did the woman, but she then has a choice to get an abortion if she's ok with that) and should stfu whining like a big baby. Unless you forced him to have sex he has no argument whatsoever here.

You both sound like a pair of idiots. No contracepion/shit method of trying to avoid pregnancy= pregnancy. You'll both have to deal with it, he has no right to sulk when he took absolutely no responsibility in the first place. 4th unplanned pregnancy... we need a 'rolling eyes' smiley.

thanks all.

Your posts are refreshing!

I know that I have been naive/ an idiot / playing russian roulette / a little bit underhand... etc, but it is good to hear that DH has a share in this. Which I know of course, but I had zero objectivity on this subject. It feels good to get it out in the open. I was curious was common sense is about this whole issue, but was too scared to ask this question.

Coming out of my bubble.

Btw I drove by Mils this afternoon and we had a polite conversation and I let her have her spiel... basically she said in the most genteel way that it would be best to have an abortion and that I should think about it. Lol! well, I am almost 14 weeks and also considering the circumstances of this pregnancy I think an abortion would be ethically so so wrong and sad, I could never do that. I smiled and nodded and understood her point and said I'll think about it, but ethically I would think it is wrong. (I didn't really want to jusity myself so we had no "discussion").

I am thinking though to open a dialogue between me and DH a pregnancy counselling session would be helpful... Before you all flip: I am not considering abortion, but maybe a third party would help me and DH get back in the conversation... I mean any counselling would be good but I assume the pregnancy counselling is free while any other counselling costs...

bobble - we are good parents to our children!

This is a separate issue and has nothing to do with our parenting style.

Well this exact same situation happened to me , 3 years down the line i am on anti depressants , having counselling and want my husband to leave , take from that what you will .

Good idea OP - I had a counselling session/discussion at a clinic at the beginning of my pregnancy and that really helped me and DH discuss the reality of things and 'prove' that we'd both considered each other's views and wishes.

I assume a divorce would be off the cards, we are too happy in all other ways and a functioning family

How well will that family function when your DH wants nothing to do with the new baby?

You are both responsible, he needs to grow up and take that responsibility!

Mil - none of her business.

DH - he needs to man up or fuck off as he made this baby as he didn't use a condom and you didn't tell him it was a safe time.

You - please stop saying you have been underhand. You haven't.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I wanted another baby. DH did not. Until he got the snip he used a condom.

How dare your MIL advise you to have an abortion.

I cannot BELIEVE the OP is getting such a hard time!! FFS, she is not looking for a lecture she is looking for some support.

What is the fucking point of telling the OP she was irresponsible.

I think OP, that once it becomes clear to your DH that abortion is out of the question. (Do NOT be bullied into this, i really do fear for your marriage if that happens) He will slowly come around. At the moment i am assuming there is no bump. His head is up his arse.

ARe you catholics, is that why you chose that method of contraception? If so then he must know that talk of abortion is just ridiculous.

You know, just give him space - if he loves you like you say he does, he'll come round.

Wow bobble! That was uncalled for :(

I hope your dh changes his mind op, good luck :)

thanks for more feedback and thanks for stepping up for me Ladies :-)

Many of you are really positive on here and I'll take a slice from that! I can only hope that things will get better and make sure everything gets back on track.

Op I think your mil is maybe concerned about the effect on her existing dgc if this pulls you and their dad apart, so try to ignore her!

For the record, my DH had a vasectomy at 28 because we too both wanted two children and decided no more and he was man enou to step up and deal with it for us both. So your TH (that's twat husband hehe) has no excuses.

MN is great when you feel alone.

Hello there
We are going to move this thread to relationships
Best wishes, OP
M Towers

fabwoman: he didn't use a condom and you didn't tell him it was a safe time.

Did she tell him it was an unsafe time?

outofproportion Have you considered adoption? There are a lot of very desperate people out there who would LOVE to adopt your baby. Seems slightly more sensible than having it grow up in an awkward family dynamic....

Might I also suggest once this one is out of the way, whatever that means, you strongly encourage him to get a vasectomy?