Starting to get cross with DHs rejection of unwanted pregnancy?

[outofproportion]

We are very compatible, usually having a good time, have a great relationship and marriage --- until recently.

This is what derailed us quite a bit: 2 kids already, I was keen for another, he was a bit undecided, leaning towards ?no?, but not totally vetoing another baby.

We never used ?conventional? contraception (he doesn?t like condoms, I don?t like the pill). We have always either used temperature charting (which if done properly works well) or the plain calendar method. We had 2 accidental pregnancies because of the calendar method: our kids. (We got happily married because I got pregnant).

So, also this time we had no contraception in place, apart from calendar method. I used to chart my temperature and let Dh know when it is a ?dangerous? time but stopped charting a while ago? So I wasn?t that sure whether I ovulated on day 12 or 18? (my cycles have been a bit wacky since DC2). Not ideal for calendar method, I know, but as I wasn't dead set against another baby that didn't bother me so much.

Now I am pregnant and feel guilty about it, as if I tricked him. Of course I wasn?t as paranoid about contraception as I was in my teens, but is this entirely my fault? My best friend blamed me quite a bit for getting pregnant.

Dh doesn?t want the baby and says I am ruining everything. If it were up to him he?d want me to get an abortion. But he says it is my decision. Fair enough, I don?t want an abortion? I have given him lots of space for his denial and not wanting the baby.

But I am getting tired of feeling guilty and of tiptoeing around him. Although he says it is my decision, he makes his unhappiness with the situation very clear by not talking that much to me and being and pretty cold to me. Ok, I don?t expect to ?share? this pregnancy with him like I did before (he for example didn?t come to my recent 12 week scan.)

Is there anything I could do to change this situation?
How much more space and time does he need?

Just another bit of info that might be important: Dh also got an ex-girlfriend pregnant, before we met. So all in all this is his 4th "surprise" pregnancy.

How would I know if she told him it was an unsafe time?! Doesn't matter now, he is being a twat.

How would I know if she told him it was an unsafe time?! LOL!!!

and 21yroldman - I never said it was a safe or unsafe time since I stopped charting 3 years back... and DH never asked about this either..

the adoption bit - great idea.. will give it some thought. But like you said it is a family DYNAMIC so i am hoping the situation will be totally different in a year's time and of course in 5 year's time. I still have hope that we can work this out btw...

I want to be gentle about it, but you obviously need some support here, and n o one in real life seems to be giving it to you, if your so called best friend cant be happy for you then she is a bitch and not worth knowing, and as for your husband he needs to accept it!

My son wasnt exactly planned, cos i had given up basically on getting pregnant as had been told i wouldnt be able to naturally, doesnt mean he wasnt wanted and isnt loved, cos he is, i was worried and didnt want to attach until after my twelve week scan, cos i'd had two missed miscarriages before. Does that make me irresponsible? NO IT DOESNT!

Okay, it probably wasnt the best circumstaces for the OP to get pregnant in BUT there is a little life in tehre and TWO PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE for it not just her.

Stop feeling guilty, he knew as well as you did, if he didnt want a baby then therefore he should have voiced it and done something about it, however you voiced you did, so he should have said then he wasnt sre/wanted to wait etc.

I think you should keep your baby, it wont be interfering with the family dynamic, it will be part of your family and loved as much as every other member of it. Your DH will come round, i promise you. It must be difficult to come to terms with a new addition that wasn't planned, i think more sowhen you already have your family.

Maybe your DH is worried about the affect of a new baby brother or sister on its siblings? They will think its great. I worried terribly because i had an unplanned pregnancy when DD1 was 15. It wasnt without issue, a teenager and a new baby as interstesting to say the very least, but its fine now. I felt terrible guilt though as i thought DD1 would feel neglected. She did, i think, to a degree, but thats was an age thing - younger children are far mroe adaptable.

Give him time, don't push for discussions. Do NOT be bullied into an abortion you dont want - you will regret it for the rest of your life. You say your relationship is good, so i believe he will come round.

I beleve in fate, if ia person is meant to be, then they will be, you were meant to have three children - congratulations xx

What concerns does your dh have with a 3rd baby?

Does he actually have 4 dc's and therefore there is a step situation? It would be valid to be worried about finances, time, resources spread across multiple dc's.

I think if he has valid concerns then you might need to focus on those and find a way to address them. Perhaps he senses that you were underhand and therefore there will be trust issues. From your side you will resent his attitude towards you during this pg and lack of trust and resentment is very harmful to a marriage over time.

I think counselling is the way to go

Thanks for the support, mylittlemiracle!

Bob - DH worries about finances mostly... but having another baby would only mean that we'd need to cut out some extras. He also worries about the workload, and giving all of them enough emotional etc support.

Am glad everything worked out for you!

You said: don't push for discussions... that has been my stance until now giving him lots of space for his views. But I feel communication is frozen at the moment. Wouldn't a pregnancy counselling session where we both can express our worries be a good thing?

You probably mean that I shouldn't try and "convince" my husband that my standpoint is best and trying to win him over and trying to "persuade" him to suddenly "love" the baby?

Smum99 - no stepchildren.. his ex-girlfriend had an abortion all those years ago. We have two kids, both being "accidents" one conceived when we were dating... and then got (happily) married, like I said.

He worries about finances, but it is honestly unfounded. We wouldn't be able to have the lifestyle we have now and that bugs him. To be fair, another child to provide for is a lot of pressure for him. I don't earn that much, unfortunately.

He worries about not being able to give all 3 attention, he likes time as a couple, resources issues...

I am already resenting him tonight because his Mum got involved in all this.. you are so right, this is so toxic.

Hi op congratulations on your pregnacy! this very same thing happened with us. And we now have a glorious bonny boy who is adored by his sisters and previously dissaproving grandparents. My dh was useless about taking responsibility for contraception, i was a bit head in the sand... Now have a coil and no worries! He was also freaked out by idea of new baby, money worries, lifestyle... But it all worked out we just do a lot more camping now and only 1 forign holl... Actually the family dynamic is better, less pressure on the other two dc's , has dissepated some of the squabbes beytween them as have someone else to play with... So basically i say tell him to man up and take responsibility for the person he has helped create and enjoy it, it will enhance your family . X

Congratulations OP.

I think your thoughts on pregnancy counselling are an excellent idea. XH and I were actively trying for DC3, when he changed his mind after a BFP, we limped along for 3 years, but communication broke down and I am now LP to my 3 DC.

Please consider the counselling, I can't hep but think my life could have been different had we been able to communiciate better.

Good luck! DC3 is nearly 7, and as much as a joy as DC1 and 2

Um, don't pander to him too much.

He's acting like a prize twat. He needs to man up, snap out of it, and STOP 'withdrawing' and punishing you. Because it's not your fault - it's his. HE didn't want another baby? Then HE should have used a condom. Or not had sex. Basically, he chose not to act to get the outcome he wanted, so he's got the outcome he didn't want. That's his fault, not yours.

I think I would very soon be losing patience and telling him to make up his mind - because he isn't going to get to punish you forever, no husband is better than a sulky childish twat. Let him know that if he carries on acting the prick, it may well be you asking HIM to leave.

And next time MIL opens her mouth, smile broadly and say 'I think it's time you stopped interfering now, don't you? I don't want us to fall out, and you are beginning to overstep the mark big time. Let's talk about something that IS your business, hmm?'

Thanks for these helpful new posts...

I just woke up and lay awake for a while.. feeling quite hopeless. Now the whole day has sunk in and I am quite saddened by everything. How chilling that was of MIL. For a moment I felt the pressure of them "advising" me to terminate.

I feel myself getting angry at DH now, because i got your views (thanks!) and because he has become even more withdrawn in the past few days. We really need to talk. It has come to a point where we avoid looking at each other. I didn't expect the situation to get worse actually than it has been since January..rubbish!

But I feel better already and hope that I can get back to sleep now. Things will work out for the good. I hope that our marriage will survive this. And otherwise I know that I can cope with what life throws at me.

If your DH didn't want more kids, and wanted to make sure it didn't happen, he should have got a vasectomy. Or at least taken the responsibility of wearing condoms. If he didn't - he should be prepared for more kids. Surely, after 3 kids he should know that calendar methods and hoping are not effective contraception! The fact that he says he's too young for a vasectomy either suggests he doesn't know what it's for or that he had some other agenda. What agenda, exactly?

It is very shocking to hear that your best friend blamed you (er, not so a good a friend any more? Any true friend would say "I'll give you moral support no matter what") and that your DH's mother is even suggesting that her own grandchild be aborted! No wonder you are feeling awful. You should not be manipulated by anyone into making a decision about your pregnancy - it's your baby. You can discuss it with your DH about your plans, but apart from him, it is nobody else's business what you decide to do. As for the pregnancy - it is ultimately your body, your decision. If your DH cannot be happy that you want to have this baby, he has to accept the damage he is doing to his family and his marriage - again, considering that he is 50% responsible for the pregnancy. Any doctor or midwife will tell you that the method your DH has used so far is very unreliable contraception - failure rate over 50%!

You both need to have a good long talk and be truthful to each other about where all this is going and what effect it will have on you both and your 2 children. Is it financial worries - is he afraid he will not be able to afford a third child? Financial issues can be addressed and resolved - blame, withdrawing, refusing to communicate, cannot. Hope it goes well, OP, best of luck.

In a functioning family one parent does not ignore a pregnancy and the prospect of a new baby. This child is going to come into the world- it is clear that you want to keep it and this is your decision - with a father that will not acknowledge its existence. How is that going to work?
If you wish your marriage to survive you will need to find a way to communicate with your DH so that you will both take responsibility for this child and cope with it as a team. He needs not to take out his anger on you or the baby. You perhaps need to be a little less disingenous. He trusted you to manage contraception and you allowed yourself to lose the plot. Now you both will have responsibility for another person for the next couple of decades.

Thanks Ladies! Will go through what you've read later, it sounds like very good advice again.

I was too self absorbed during the night to comment though: strictlycomedancingdiva, your experience sounds heart wrenching... you exH changed his mind AFTER BFP... that is so volatile.. am glad to hear you kids are a joy and it all worked out for the best!

id ask him to stop dithering and is he going to start supporting you, even if its not ideal, and go and get the bloody snip, or ship out till hes made his mind up.
It takes two to tango.
He obviously feels betrayed because he was trusting you were charting or something, or thought crossed fingers would be adequate, but its not, and he needs to deal with it scary or not