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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has gone

53 replies

Bonkerz · 15/03/2012 10:43

So what do I do now?

Dh decided this morning that he didn't want to try anymore. It's a bad marriage getting worse and breeding resentment. I suggested a night without the DCs to talk he decides he CBA packs a bag and leaves.

So I'm now alone in a house that I can't afford and is in his name. I have no savings so deposit on flat would be difficult. I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

MsOnatopp · 15/03/2012 10:47

See a solicitor first. If you are not working go and sign on a a LP. If you are find out what you are entitled to. I'm sorry x

ParsleyTheLioness · 15/03/2012 10:48

Don't have much useful to say to you, but sending you a virtual hug...Do you have a friend/family who could come round/offer you a bit of support? x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2012 10:48

Sorry it's come to an end. But there is a lot of help out there. I'd suggest that you start by seeing what financial help there is out there. The Turn2Us Benefits Checker isn't a bad resource and you can start making applications now. Nest step, talk to your DH about finances. If the mortgage is in his name, for example, then he has to keep paying that. And the house, in a divorce situation, would be classed as 'marital assets' anyway... not purely his.

Hope you have some friends around you to help out and make sure you're thinking clearly. It's a lot to take in all at once but it is survivable. Good luck

Original poster

Bonkerz · 15/03/2012 10:50

I have no money for a solicitor. I am a childminder so once I leave house I will not have an income. Council won't help me and have no money for deposit somewhere else. He has no money either we both have debt. Feel trapped.

OP posts:

doubleshotespresso · 15/03/2012 10:50

Woah woah woah!

Just read your post and wanted to say I'm sorry....

But think you need to breathe a little and not panic quite yet. If you have children together, he's not going to leave you high and dry is he? Calm down and take stock dealing woth one thing at a time.

If the property is in his name alone, but your children reside there, then when he's calmed down, he'll know that he will need to make adequate financial arrangements with you etc...... he is responsible for them too!

On the other hand, he may realise that sooner than you think that he ought to give things a fighting chance and come back with his tail behind his legs.

Use your family/friends for support and make decvisons that are best for you and your kids.

I wish you all the best.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2012 11:20

Agree that you shouldn't panic but, when you're feeling trapped and fearing the worst, 'knowledge is power'. You don't know at this stage if he'll come back or if it's permanent so look after #1 in the meantime. If you find out what financial help you can get and what your legal status is, that will give you some reassurance and strength. And if he does crawl back (and if you let him come back) you'll have that knowledge up your sleeve should he pull a CBA stunt again.

izzyizin · 15/03/2012 17:27

Many solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law offer a free half an consultation and you may be eligible for legal aid. Post on the Legal board on this site for recommendations of solicitors in your area and further advice.

As Cogito has said, regardless of the fact that it is in his sole name, the house is a marital asset and a solicitor will advise you as to your right to continue living in the marital home it with your dc together with your entitlement to a share of the proceeds should it be sold.

Knowledge is power and you need to reclaim your power so that you won't be in a position of weakness when he CBA to behave like an adult and discuss finances, contact with the dc, and all of the other issues that will need be to be resolved before ending your marriage.

If he's only packed one bag I doubt that he'll be gone for long unless, of course, he's got another woman been planning to leave for some time and put his plan into action when you sensibly suggested discussing your relationship without the dcs being around.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 15/03/2012 17:58

Thanks. After initial shock I spent the day ringing around.

Council won't help. To rent I need bond, mth rent in advance and month deposit. I haven't got over 1k to do this and also found out there is only one place that will take HB and that's a two bed bungalow which is fine but it's me and 3 DCs and oldest has autism so two bed on same flood would be a big issue.

He hasn't rang at all. His mum rang and said I could take kids over but I'm now panicking he will try take the kids.

Solicitor rang me back after initial enquiry. Choices are we find the money for private rent. ( impossible). He pays mortgage and I stay here but he is left with nowhere to go. TBH solicitor confused me a lot but all seems a nightmare. I have about £300 OD on an account I can access and my student bursary is due in which is £300 so if I wait 3 months I may get money together.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2012 18:04

"He pays mortgage" sounds like a really good plan in the short term. He does have somewhere to go i.e. his mother's place, which is probably where he is now. For money really do check that link I gave you earlier because, as a lone parent on a reduced income, there is a lot of help available.

Do you have some friends close by that you could call on and ask to come over? I know how you're feeling at the moment, rattling through so many 'what ifs' in your head, getting lots of information and worrying about keeping a roof over your head. Someone else to help you get things straight in your mind will be very useful

Original poster

Bonkerz · 15/03/2012 18:07

Right now I feel ashamed. I'm trying to keep it cool for the dCs but I don't want to see or talk to anyone. I've unhooked the phone and have only text my sister and two closest friends who have been fab and are prepared to drop all to be here but I can't cope with company right now. I feel a complete failure

OP posts:

Happylander · 15/03/2012 18:24

The DSS can loan you the deposit for a private rental. My cousins stepdaughter did this. There are also charities that can help you furnish it.

Don't feel ashamed these things happen so please tell people so they can come over and give you some much needed support. You are not a failure at all as you are not the one that walked out.

izzyizin · 15/03/2012 18:52

'He pays mortgage and I stay here' would seem to be the sensible option.

As for but he is left with nowhere to go would seem to overlook the fact that he clearly does have somewhere to go as he's packed a bag and gone there.

Don't panic - it's very early days and there's absolutely no need for you to be worrying about moving at the present time.

As you're unlikely to be confused by the advice you're given on mumsnet's Legal board, do please post there as things may very well not be as hopeless as they may seem.

JaneB1rkin · 16/03/2012 06:42

You haven't failed darling

Big huge hug x

I hope you can sort something out, I'm sorry I don't know much about legal stuff or property or money, but I'm here and so are we all so keep posting. You'll get through this, you really will.

mummytime · 16/03/2012 06:57

Don't panic. Are you married? Even if not he has a duty to provide for his children. If you are then you have a claim on the assets of the marriage.
Try another solicitor, and use the legal board here to help you sort out what you are entitled to. CAB can also help, especially with claiming benefits.
(hug)

scattered · 16/03/2012 07:42

Can I just add that shelter are an excellent source of housing advice; the cab website www.adviceguide.co.uk has info and factsheets in long term housing rights too- good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 07:51

Realise that you feel like a failure because I felt the same way in similar circumstances. We all go into marriage optimistic, convinced we've made a good choice and, when the wheels start to come off, we realise we made a bad choice and all the effort in the world can't stick it back together. It hurts like hell, not least to your pride. There's no shame in your situation - a woman trying to hold it together and do the best for her family. All the shame is with a man that walks out on three children and a wife because he 'can't be arsed'... very selfish.

So call a close friend and get them to rally round and bring the tissues. Good luck

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 08:09

Thanks all.

I feel like I'm in limbo. Last night was ok though. The house seemed very calm. DCs all went to bed fine ( haven't said anything to them) and I slept very well!!!!

Have heard nothing. I wish I could jump in car later and just disappear with kids for weekend but I have nowhere to go so instead I will take them out tomorrow and try to make most of it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 08:35

Making the most of it is exactly the right thing to do. Keep yourself busy. 'Limbo' I also recognise. Expect to go through a whole Oscar ceremony of emotions over the next few weeks and months as you get a mental grasp of the situation. You'll have times when you want to beg him to come back and times when you're kicking yourself you didn't make him leave earlier. Be kind to yourself throughout, look after #1 as best you can and don't try to 'manage' without help if it's offered. We all need help.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 09:59

I just want to pretend this isn't happening.

I want to be strong but I'm not. My kids love their dad. If he asks to come back I don't know if I can stay strong as then that will be me ending this and I can't do that to my kids.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2012 12:27

It isn't 'you ending this' if you say no, he can't come back. He's moved out of his own volition after deciding he can't be bothered any more. It is up to him to justify why he should come back and if you're not happy with that justification, then he made a poor case.

You're at the very raw, vulnerable stage of any break-up which is that once the inital shock is over, you feel nostalgic for the good times, worried about the future, you forget the resentment that led to the split and you start to think that maybe things weren't so bad after all. It's not so much 'staying strong' as to keep reminding yourself of the reality rather than the fantasy that never existed.

Of course your children love their father. They love you too. They can continue to love both of you, even if you don't all share a home, and they will be far happier living in the 'calm' environment you're now enjoying than being spectators on two parents living out their mutual resentment and mistrust. That's something you can positively give your kids. A peaceful home with no arguments.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 18:30

Well I've finally had a text. It just said 'checking u r all ok'. What does he think I'm gonna reply??????

OP posts:

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 18:36

Doesn't matter. Reply what you want too, and if you want too.

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 18:42

Well I've gone mad with the texts. Told him that we are all ok because we have to be and that the kids haven't noticed he has gone. Then told him I will not hang around waiting for him to decide if he wants us and that he needs to face his kids and tell them what's going on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 18:43

Ok I've lost the plot

OP posts:

fabwoman · 16/03/2012 18:45

That text is fine.

Why have you lost the plot? What have you done?

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