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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has gone

53 replies

Bonkerz · 15/03/2012 10:43

So what do I do now?

Dh decided this morning that he didn't want to try anymore. It's a bad marriage getting worse and breeding resentment. I suggested a night without the DCs to talk he decides he CBA packs a bag and leaves.

So I'm now alone in a house that I can't afford and is in his name. I have no savings so deposit on flat would be difficult. I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 18:48

I've had to take phone out again as it started ringing and I knew it was him. I can't do this

OP posts:
fabwoman · 16/03/2012 18:51

Break it down. What is it exactly in this moment that you can't do?

Original poster
Bonkerz · 16/03/2012 18:52

Be on my own with three kids. Sort out my life?? I don't know. I want to scream and shout and tell him he is utterly selfish and not a real man.

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fabwoman · 16/03/2012 18:57

You can be on your own with three kids as you are their mother and if he has gone you have no choice. Of course, he will have to have access and you will get a break then.

You don't have to sort yor life ou right this second. Just take it a minute at a time.

Scream.

Shout.

Tell him he is utterly selfish and not acting like a real man.

Do it.

ParsleyTheLioness · 17/03/2012 08:30

How are things Bonkerz?

Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 09:30

He finally replied to my numerous angry texts at about 10 last night. he is at his mothers. He said he left cos our daughter got upset after we had words Thursday morning and he didn't know what to do. I don't know about that.

He has asked to come over today to see the kids and talk. I've told him we are out and I will text when I'm ready to talk.

I cried myself to sleep.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Bluebell99 · 17/03/2012 09:44

I don't think you are helping yourself here. He has offered to come over and talk and you are stalling him. Talk to him, maybe he wants to try again!

Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 09:49

I know I know. Problem is that I have promised to take kids out. Can't let them down now. Have text him I will be home at 2.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2012 09:59

What a pathetic specimen. He might like to present it as Big Man Making A Statement, but it's really Little Boy Running Away (only a lot less cute). If he wants to insinuate himself back - which it sounds as if he might do - he would have to start with understanding that adults with responsibilities cannot just flit in and out of family life. As long as you're running a household and raising children together you have to pull in the same direction, even if you aren't getting on well as a couple.

You are absolutely right IMO to have taken the initiative over when he can drop round to talk. He has to be brought to the negotiating table, not allowed to walk all over you with naily boots otherwise he will flounce off again so there! If manchild wants to play silly buggers he has to know he could lose one hell of a lot - half the marital assets and over half the time with his children just for starters. He may feel he has set himself in a good position to make demands, but in fact you are in a better one. I'm not saying break his balls (if he has any), but reasonable stuff like insisting on Relate so you can talk over your problems like grown-ups would seem to be quite a good starting point.

MadameOvary · 17/03/2012 10:05

Um, Bonkerz?
I've seen a fair few of these threads, and can I just say I'm pretty impressed with how you are handling this. Holding up a hand and saying. "No, bugger off, I need to think" is a very strong thing to do.
You might not feel like it, but you are doing really well.

fabwoman · 17/03/2012 10:51

I think what Bluebell said is wrong and you are within your rights to say no to him. He walked out for a stupid reason - or else he is lying - and after a night at mummy's he maybe realises what he is walking away from and too and wants to come back. Not even with an apology. Carry on with your plans. Your kids come first, not jumping to his pathetic tune.

JsOtherHalf · 17/03/2012 10:54

Do the2 children with autism get dla? Are you involved with the children with a disability social work team? I know in this area a parent in your position could wellbe assessed by medical needs housing officer as being quite high banding for rehousing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2012 13:24

Well done bonkerz, good text. I'm sure he's feeling sorry for himself in the cold light of day. Stay angry because it'll keep you sharp and, whatever happens next, you will be nobody's doormat.

Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 14:22

Thanks everyone. Well he has been here 20 minutes now. Hasn't said very much but has bought flowers and chocolates which I have acknowledged are from the kids. Not sure if he thinks he is back or what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 14:22

Hard to talk cos DCs are around

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smartiesrule · 17/03/2012 14:35

Thinking of you, hope it goes okay. I just hope he's not one of those serial 'I'm leaving. I'm coming back' men.

fabwoman · 17/03/2012 14:45

DVD for the kids. You and he to talk. Good luck.

Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 14:51

I won't let this happen again. I need to protect me and the kids and I'm going to make sure he knows this. Strangely, now he is here I know what I need to say and am not falling apart like I thought I might.

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AllOverIt · 17/03/2012 15:19

That's great Bonkerz. Stay strong Smile

fabwoman · 17/03/2012 17:37

Great. Stay strong.

Theglassiscompletelyempty · 17/03/2012 18:07

You are doing really well. I'm going through the same thing at the moment with my exH and I know it's a total rollercoaster emotionally. It's been a month since he walked out and I've tried to keep things as normal as possible for DS but have to face reality that we will be considerably worse off financially. I wish I had the nerve to tell exH what I really think of him and his selfish impulses, but last time he brought ds back he got into one of his rages which makes him really intimidating.

You are an inspiration.

Original poster
Bonkerz · 17/03/2012 18:24

Not an inspiration at all. I know I'm gonna fold and let him come back. I'm not ready to give up on my family (inc him) just yet. I know there is a chance I will be back here in 6-12 months with the same son story but I'm gonna make sure I do all I can so I don't feel guilty next time.

Or then again it could all be lovely forever.

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fabwoman · 17/03/2012 18:29

You are an inspiration and it isn't always a bad thing to take someone back who has caused you pain. Sometimes that is harder to do that walk away. You need to talk and make things crystal clear to him though.

fabwoman · 18/03/2012 08:35

How are you this morning, B?

Original poster
Bonkerz · 18/03/2012 08:49

Well it was a major fail. He sat on sofa. Interacted with kids. Watch me cook tea and shower kids and at 8:00 I said I'm going to bed. Kids came and said goodnight at 9 and he came upstairs at 10 and asked if he could sleep in bed. I said why and he got stroppy and came back downstairs for the night. DS woke at 5:30am and at 6am he came up and asked if u wanted him to take dS. Obviously I said no and got up. He has now gone to work. I asked if he was back at his mums tonight and he said his mum won't let him stay. We still haven't spoken. Kids will be in bed early tonight and I will tell him he is on sofa till this gets sorted.

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