Want to be on my own but cannot quite say it. At wits end.

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

After half/hijacking another thread I thought it wise to start one of my own, eventhough not with the most original topic, it seems.

I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time, a few years exactly. Last feb (a year ago) I reached breaking point and asked dp to come counselling. he came twice and then refused to continue. I am still going. Before that and since then he did nothing, in my view, to help the relation. In fact he did everything not to nurture it. He has shown no interest in being with me as a partner/friend/lover/person. Is interest is all in 'the family', and the children.

To cut a long story short, I now know I want to be on my own. Not only I cannot think about my 'rest-of-my-life' spent like this (as flatmates that are not even friends), but I am truly struggling with the everyday as I feel that every day spent in such manner is a day less of happiness.

dp has always adopted the 'head-under-the-sand' tecnique and has done so once again in the last two week after I told him I could not go on and I wanted to separate. The next day we looked amicably at flats and houses, then he loadedthedishawher and claredthetable twice acted all 'nice since and now acts as if all is well again. whether he pretend to think it is ok because it suits him or really believes it does not make much difference to me at this point: both indicate to me that I cannot be with this men.

I know what I should do, I would like help in the hows.
like someone said in another thread, it is difficult because he is a good man, is the rel that is crap. (of course he has done me some wrongs, and more that I am yet to admit, but still....).

I know some of you are sadly experts in such things so please do offer your advice.

PS: I am NOT worried or scared one bit of being on my own - in fact I cannot wait!! I love being on my own, I have been on my own anyway for a while now, I believe not much will change for me. Am I wrong? Am I smug?

TIA

You are not wrong, and you are unhappy. You could do this, and be happier. You say he is a good man, but has done wrong things, some of which you do not want to look closely at. You have apparently tried much harder than him to make the relationship work. It was his choiced not to. He's had plenty of chances by all accounts.

Hey i know how it feels to me in a marriage and feel so alone! I lived like it for about 3 years before I had the courage to say 'I dont love you ant more'
I felt we had grown apart and even when I tryed to talk about it, he made no effort to put it right.
We separated 18 months ago and quite honestly its been a struggle as we have 3 children, its tough being a single parent. I just couldnt see myself with this man in 20 years time and believed we both deserved happiness!
I believe in the saying if you love someone let them go and if they do not return its not meant to be.
Things will change but change can be good!

Yes and yes and yes Parsley, indeed.

I have looked closely at most, not at all of them, for lack of courage for one but also because I wanted to avoid the 'it's all your fault' attitute (which I seem to receive) believing that afterall we have gotten to this point together, each with our own faults and mistakes. And this I do not begrudge. What I do resent a lot is the fact that he has not, and still does not seem to look at it square in the face and work at it. (I am also aware that I speak so 'wisely' because of the therapy, but then again so could he had he not decided it was pointless).

So what are the steps? Tell him straight? Go to the solicitor? Telling him to go? I move out, with the DC? Put the house for sale? Where does one start is what I want to know. I thought about going to the solicitor but then thought that I should tell him first. I'd hate it if he had done that without tellling me. (Mind you I have been saying it for year so hardly a surprise bykwim..)

Ah, All quiet - you sound very ready to leave and you were right in your post on my thread, sounds just like my relationship., even down to the dishwasher thing!!

I know someone will be along with the more pratical advice re finding out what your rights are. I had a look on Gingerbread website. They have some very useful pages regarding what to do when you split up/sorting out child access/financial stuff etc. That is the best place to start.

When you told him you wanted to separate, what did he say? How did he react?

It's incredibly frustrating isn't it trying to communicate with someone who won't communicate properly back. As sad as the whole situation is, I'm sure you would prefer it if he at least would be honest about how he feels about it all, whether he's upset or angry or relieved or something....but the no response or head in the sand response where you are left with no idea of what they actually think is very very frustrating.

And I totally understand it when you say you are not scared of being on your own as you feel you have been on your own for awhile now anyway...however, have you really really thought about it? I mean, yes, you are on your own in the relationship, but you are not actually on your own as you had your DH in the house, to help with the children if you really need it, just someone being in the house.

and another thing, I know you are not me but, those of you who have done it and are now on their own: is it as great as I think it will be?

(I have stints of weeks alone recently and I felt I was given a new lease of life...)

Gems 77 - Do you think you made the right choice leaving your DH? How hard is it being a single parent?

tobeheard I think I thought it through re being on my own. There was times when I have been left on my own for a month at a time and I registered NO difference, not in terms of help, not in terms of company and support. I am aware that there will be a difference in term of finances but surely I cannot stay because of this!!

Well in fairness to dp, when cornered he did talk a bit but what he said even convinced me more that there's nothing between us except 'the family' and the children, for those is all he mentioned when he said he would not want to separate. at no point in time I came up. and it is often my fault, him being all right. he is terrified of splitting because of the hurt it will cause to the dc, because his life won't be as confortable, because he will ot have a family to come home to, i.e. the conforts. where does this leave me? he has acted very selfishly for a long time and he is so used to it than cannot even see it.

tobeheard honestly I still dont know!
All I know is I was alone as he wasnt there emotionally for me and I thought what a lonely place it will be when the children are all grown.
I thought I deserve love and he deserves to be loved for the 2 different people we are!
I dont miss him, but I will say I miss the family life! I dont get to see the kids with their dad and see their relationship. These are simple things I didnt think I would miss. I miss someone being there to help with bath times, bedtimes, help when your little ones are sick through the night!
As for being hard I would say yes it can be but you have to weigh it up. Be in an unhappy marriage or give yourself a chance to find true happiness!
Its made me a stronger person, a better person leaving!

It's fine to be fed up with a man who basically considers you a domestic appliance/breeding stock and who shows no interest in treating you as a person. He is acting as though he can just ignore your unhappiness and his home comforts will continue.
What you should do first is see the solicitor and look into your legal position and your financial position: if you own your home jointly and your H refuses to leave it will be difficult and a long process to get him out (and most likely that both of you will have to leave) unless he is violent. However, it can be done. Depending on your financial situation, a court may order that you and DC remain in the house and the man has to leave.

Yes, I understand the no difference thing. And no, I don't believe you should stay because of the financial situation, although I think many many people do stay in unhappy marriages for this reason. You are married so you will have rights. Do you own the home together? If so, you will obviously be entitled to money if you sell it. As I said previously, check out Gingerbread website for the practical information, it's very good.

My partner also failed to mention me when I discussed splitting up, just didn't want dd to grow up in a one parent family etc. It does make you feel like they are only with you for the sake of the kids doesn't it. Perhaps that is true, but it's no way to live long term, it's not fair on you, on him or the kids as surely as they get older they will feel the tension and see that it's not a happy relationship (you don't say how old they btw).

Well done you for going to counselling on your own though. It really does help to see the wood from the trees. Counselling is very useful when you have a dp who doesn't acknowledge their part in everything, and just blames you for all the problems. Usually both people are to blame in creating problems, it's just the dynamic of people react to eachother, and obviously the two of you, although you are both decent people as you say, just don't fit together.

I think we do have to remember in all this that at the end of the day, there will be a father without his kids, that is going to hurt him and them ALOT. All the more reason for him to get off his arse and try and make things better. Although you sound resigned to ending the relationship now.

I'm not really sure what to suggest to you, just offering you some support.

what you say Gem77 is right, and that is what I fear and what am I asking, for if I know I may be great on my own I have also two dc, how would it be for them? Plus I am the product of an evil divorce and so I know that if one of the party wants to make it nasty for all involved one can. Having said that my mum never regretted, and she certainly was made to go 'from riches to rags' and with the full blame...

(I am aware I am answering my own questions...)

I miss the family life! I dont get to see the kids with their dad and see their relationship.

gem77 I know I will miss those - the one thing I will miss is being there for my dc's life with their dad and the family times - for as a family we were good (mind you often due to my effort in organising it but nevertheless...)

Gems 77 - the things you mention about missing are the exact things I am worried about missing if/when I do leave my dp.
Have either of you found a new partner since? Are you good friends? Do you co-parent? Most importantly, how are your kids doing?

As I said to someone recently, it's very hard to leave someone when you've sinmply grown apart and you have kids. You are effectively splitting up the family due to just not loving that person anymore. It would make it feel easier if they were a complete bastard, abusive/alcoholic/cheat or something really awful and tangible.

It's fine to be fed up with a man who basically considers you a domestic appliance/breeding stock and who shows no interest in treating you as a person. He is acting as though he can just ignore your unhappiness and his home comforts will continue.

SGB, yes exactly. you could have not put it better. The funny thing is he is not that aware he is doing it. Partly I am sure he is, but he is also convinced that because he is bringing the money he is doing his share. That is sad. This could have been changed, maybe, through counselling. Part of me feels that he is also throwing his life away for lack of courage. But maybe it is just more simple - he cannot be boethered. The line is often fine unfortunately...

Are you sure your dp isn't actually masquerading as my dp?!!! :) It's uncanny the similiarities.

You sound very frustrated OP.:(

For the first year for me was like a blur I didnt miss him and I was focused on the future for me and the kids!
You think you can stay friends but if one of you doesnt agree with something it gets tense. He moved on very quickly and when a new woman is in the picture I feel they lose sight of their full responsibilities as they are so focused on their new lives!
Yes Iv knocked down every barrier that iv come up against and its been tough sometimes but I feel like I will get there, get where im supposed to be one day!
As far as the kids are concerned if they see a happy mummy and a happy daddy together or apart they will be happy.
We all get one shot at this life we all deserve to love and be loved x

there will be a father without his kids, that is going to hurt him and them ALOT. All the more reason for him to get off his arse and try and make things better

yes but what makes me angry about this is, if I can put a stop to my own happiness because of this, because I think of your possible unhappiness, why can't you go to therapy, turn the tv on etc for this!!???? (IF NOT FOR MY SAKE ffs!!) in other words if this is what terrified you the most surely therapy or whatever should be nothing, no?

and sometimes I also thought if only he was a bastard, but then again it is a silly argument for those in more abusive rel still struggle to leave. It is never so easy to brak up a marriage and children because no one is 100% awful (with the added lack of self esteem that being in a not so good rel creates.) so no I would not say it would be easier if they were 'bastards' (although I know what you mean), but sometimes I though 'if only he had a lover'.. but I think this is just finding an excuse for me to aknowledge what's already there, to give me justification. but I should not need them - what solid said should be enough.

when too long in a not right rel one forgets how a right one should be. funny how as soon as I am alone I can see everything much clearer.

maybe I will have to check where I stand. at least I will know in practical terms what the future may hold for me etc

tobeheard LOL, I thought exactly the same when I read your thread. It was quite uncanny. But from talking to some of my friends there are many, sadly.

tobeheard wher is your thread?

Gem indeed we 'We all get one shot at this life we all deserve to love and be loved'...

see that is what I also think, that no matter how sad he says he will be, and indeed he will be, there are far more chances that he will hook up with someone in the short term than me. and of course I know that that will throw me off centre (as would anybody), also because unlike with any other previous ex, due to the children you'll have it in front of you constantly. and how horrid to see that he is doing with someone else all those very thing you'd asked him back then?

but then again staying together to avoid all the above is rather stupid and pointless. those are however the kind of thoughts one has... In italy we say 'you bandage your head befare falling' but hey it is also called trying to prepare yourself as best as you can. (remember worrying about the prsonality of my children when pg according to what start sign they were and i dont even believe in that stuff, so there.)

Gem you will indeed make it. I salute you (and envy you)!

tobeheard (like your name btw) do I sound fed up? I hope so because I wonder how long do I have to take of this before I can speak up. My intention to separate now is also based on the fact that there's no one else involved (that I know) and so it will make things better. because such is the level of saturation that for the first time since I've met dh I have started looking at other men in a worryingly way, and I do not want to go down that route.

my dc are under 6 and i truly believe that after the first shake they will be happy.

Aw thankyou ;-)
Yes you do see what there doing together alot more as you have children but what I always think is as long as the kids are happy and in a happy environment then all is good.
I also believe that if I hadnt of ended it I would never know and alway wonder what life could be like so every day is a step forward to a better life and def a life learning journey!
Like i said earlier if you love someone let them go if they do not return then it wasnt meant to be.
My ex never fought for our marriage and moved on very quickly and never looked back, that tells me I made the right decision.
Good luck with everything. Im sure you will make the right choices for you and your children x

From all those other threads it seems to me that going to a lawyer is the absolute first step. As i feel sooo bad doing things behind his back i wilk have to tell him this is my intention. I would want to be fair.
As the house is in joint names etc i thought it not a problem if i move out for a bit, with children of course, but everyone seems soo adamant this is a no no.

I really must speak out, i am walking around with a stone inside me. I am not goid company to myself nor anyobe else.

tobeheard Sorry I missed your post about being friends.
He found a new partner and lives with her around the corner, they met within months. I havnt met anybody. Although it was quite funny I was out walking sunday before last and my daughters friends dad stopped me in the street and asked for my number. Cheeky! Funny though!
To be honest i have so much to sort out at the moment dont have time for a relationship.
We tried to stay friends but it doesnt continue cos the minute one of you disagree with something it turns nasty. I feel he has changed alot over the months also and have for gotten his full responsibilities as hes so wrapped up in his new life. He loves to see the girls but when it comes to running around in after school activities and school runs, school trips, friends over, decisions over school work, homework he has nothing to do with.
The children have been fine, we were so distant as a couple that they didnt seem to really question it. A few little things they say pull at the heart strings but overall I feel they are fine.
We have a joint mortgage and Im staying put, if you want any advice on that just ask.

gems77 can I ask, did you initiate it? did he move out? and I want to cry laugh at "He loves to see the girls but when it comes to running around in after school activities and school runs, school trips, friends over, decisions over school work, homework he has nothing to do with." ... it will be hardly any different from what it is now anyway. I know for sure that dh will be great with the dc and prob even better in terms of responsibility. at the moment all the resp falls on me as a sahm, his resp starting and ending with bringing the money in [bisquit].

I think I will have to just say it again, tonight, soon. I fear a breakdown, I feel a fraud for saying I am trying when I am not, I feel betrayed in a way I cannot go on, for a suspect that for a while now dh has compared me with someone else (even if nothing has happened) and that stings like an ope wound (on top of everything else).

But what do you say, I want you to move out? I want to sell the house?
Think I might be calling a lawyer to get some help on practicalities.

last night I have finished reading Rachel Cusk 'Aftermath' which is compelling, insightful and heartbreaking reading for anyone who is about to do it or has done it, especially for those like us for no better reason than thinking this is not how it should have been, this is no equality, this is not a real partenrship. It is not about the exh nor the details of the breakup, but more about what you feel before, during and after. in other words, how bad, confused, ambivalent you feel. One of those book where more is said between the lines...

Yes it was me that said those words 'I dont love you any more'
Like you have mentioned I felt if only he was a nasty person or he had an affair it would of made it easier. I questioned myself for a long long time am I doing it for the right reasons.
He agreed that we had drifted apart and he moved out. There was no question of me moving out with the kids.
He pays his half of the mortgage and I pay the other, he doesnt pay for anything else thats his maintainance. Although I have more issues but you dont need to hear about them.
Have you explained to your husband you are not happy and you both deserve to be happy and sometimes that means separating?
Yes the scholl stuff etc I suppose it hasnt changed for me but what I mean is sometimes when you know someone is there at home to relieve you from small things it help.
You are not a fraud? It takes 2 to build a marriage and there is only so much you can do and say, it comes to a point where you think enough is enough.
That book sound interesting I will have to have a look