Want to be on my own but cannot quite say it. At wits end.

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

After half/hijacking another thread I thought it wise to start one of my own, eventhough not with the most original topic, it seems.

I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time, a few years exactly. Last feb (a year ago) I reached breaking point and asked dp to come counselling. he came twice and then refused to continue. I am still going. Before that and since then he did nothing, in my view, to help the relation. In fact he did everything not to nurture it. He has shown no interest in being with me as a partner/friend/lover/person. Is interest is all in 'the family', and the children.

To cut a long story short, I now know I want to be on my own. Not only I cannot think about my 'rest-of-my-life' spent like this (as flatmates that are not even friends), but I am truly struggling with the everyday as I feel that every day spent in such manner is a day less of happiness.

dp has always adopted the 'head-under-the-sand' tecnique and has done so once again in the last two week after I told him I could not go on and I wanted to separate. The next day we looked amicably at flats and houses, then he loadedthedishawher and claredthetable twice acted all 'nice since and now acts as if all is well again. whether he pretend to think it is ok because it suits him or really believes it does not make much difference to me at this point: both indicate to me that I cannot be with this men.

I know what I should do, I would like help in the hows.
like someone said in another thread, it is difficult because he is a good man, is the rel that is crap. (of course he has done me some wrongs, and more that I am yet to admit, but still....).

I know some of you are sadly experts in such things so please do offer your advice.

PS: I am NOT worried or scared one bit of being on my own - in fact I cannot wait!! I love being on my own, I have been on my own anyway for a while now, I believe not much will change for me. Am I wrong? Am I smug?

TIA

oh yes I have explained it so many time, in so many ways and he has agreed to. he has also said he is not happy. the difference being that he says he is not happy when we argue, i.e. when I complain, otherwise he is fine (or so he wants to believe. I think he is prepared to sacrifice real happiness for confort and convenience as his parents had done and taught him - I am not!). In other words he says that if I am happy he will be happy, but he means that I should stop wanting to be happy on my own terms but I have to be happy in accepting my lot, i.e. being the wife he wants me to be, that suits him. Does it makes sense. He wants us both to resign to this life, as if this is the most we can ask for, this is good enough. I can see that most of this c**p comes from the way he was raised, and for this reason I have stayed and tried to show him a different way but now I think it is not up to me, I am not a therapist, I have to live my life. Plus as he has lived like this all his life he may even like it so who am I to want to change him?

It is got to be done hasn't it?

I know that is we stay together I may end up having a stupid affair, if we separate I will not want to engage with a man for a while, it'd be the last thought. the affaur would only be an act of desperation and a bad way out.

thanks for all your help. I really appreciate it, I am sure it is painful.

OP you sound exactly like me when I was younger! I had to end it with the sweetest guy who I'd dated for years, & dreaded doing it - for similar reasons to you - & I also was looking forward to being on my own. All I can say is I appreciate how hard it is, and in the end I had a couple of drinks and just blurted it out...it's tough but the relief was huge...I still feel bad about hurting him, though! It changed my life though, I went out & pursued so many new opportunities and had some amazing experiences, grew hugely as a person in ways I'd never have done, had we stayed together. Its best in the long run for him, too, as eventually he would meet the right woman and be happier. Good luck!!

henrysmamma did you have children together?
I feel I have grown as a person and want to do so much more with my life now, as when we were together I felt I couldnt and I dont know why.

yes I know... I am gutted at my cowardice.

I have left home and came to england at 21 for the very same reasons. I have hurt some people in the process and lost financially in a way at the time but I gained so much and never looked back. I know that is what is going to happen, that we both will blossom, so why why oh why I cannot? I have said it but did not follow it through. If I think about it I remember than even leaving home was helped by my mum pushing towards it. I think I am waiting for dh to be on my side but he may never be and is it fair? I should be able to stand on my own to feet, I should not wait for him to validate my feelings.

thank you girls, I hope I can say it out tonight.

I also feel I can't and dont know why. But when I think about it I do know why, because everytime I tried to be me he squashed it. I may not have been strong enough to fight it but now I think we may be to different, I do not want to fight for every little thing. with someone else I may not need to explain everything, organised everything, fight for everything etc. and if they are all like this (as someone told me but I disagree) I am better off alone where I'd have no support but no hindrance, no?

Hey you seem so stressed and worried. You have to sit back and calm down.
I know this seems like a massive decision for you but the more you question, stress and worry the worse it will feel.
People fall out of love. I believe that me and my husband deserved a shot at happiness and to to that we had to sparate, I didnt question if they were all the same all I knew is it was unfair of me to hold on to this person for the wrong reasons, he dserved to be loved.
Tou deserve to be happy and so does he. You have to just make the move and trust me if you are meant to be together you will both realise this if your not then so be it!
Happiness is out there for us all.

yes I am. have been for too long. yes it is time to do a bit less thinking and more acting.

Gems 77 - you sound so positive, it's so good to read. I like what you write about if something is meant to be then it will be, I totally agree with that. I mean, if all of dps had really loved us and been happy then they would fight to make things better. They haven't so that says a lot doesn't it. You sound like you're doing really well by the way, well done. Is it hard to see your ex with someone new? You read so often that when couples split, the man is often so quickly in a new relationship whilst the woman is left being a single mother (through choice). How come men move on so damned quickly? For me, that would make me feel like leaving was the right decision but would hurt a lot too, especially if they suddenly started doing all the things with new woman that you wanted them to do with you.

And OP, almost every thing you write could be me writing, even down to the finding yourself looking at other men and having told him how you feel but not actually acting on it further. Same here, it's been 3 weeks now. Like you, I want him to validate my feelings, agree that it's best to separate etc.....the easy route maybe? I am the same as you, scared to follow through with decisions.

Do you know what you are scared of? Are you scared of change? You say you are not scared of being alone. Do you find it hard to deal with change? I love the phrase you said about putting on the bandage before you fall. I think perhaps you've been processing your grief at the end of the relationship already over the many months but you just need to take that final step. Although you may have done your processing, I guess the next step is going to the BIG step, where things really will change. Hopefully you can remain in the house with your kids so at least you won't have to uproot. That is something good.

"In other words he says that if I am happy he will be happy, but he means that I should stop wanting to be happy on my own terms but I have to be happy in accepting my lot, i.e. being the wife he wants me to be, that suits him. Does it makes sense. He wants us both to resign to this life, as if this is the most we can ask for, this is good enough"

Oh that makes total sense yes, more than you know!

I have been thinking about what stops me and I think it is the fear that dh will be angry at me and will hate me and would refuse to have anything to do with me. It is an irrational fear given to me by the way my own father reacted to his divorce, by shutting us all out and blaming all of us. Hence the desire to make it a joint decision, so there will be no finger pointing, accusation etc. pfewww having said it make me see how damaging this is. I will try to remember this.

I have been thinking about this for a long time and dh and I have discussed it at length, no action has ever been taken.

interestingly I have just spoken to a man friend who is on the other side of the fence and he said (like some other of my male friends) what dh would have said, that basically this is prob the nature of married life and that for the benefit of the children one should bear the lack of personal and couple happiness. but why, I say? why shouln't we then try to make being together a happy thing? we are not financially stressed, we have some free time, we have no major problems, if we cannot happy like this when can we?

and another question for you: are we (women) putting our own dissatisfaction onto them? (that is what those men have suggested). actually I think that all these men that have said this to me where doing exactly what dh is doing to me, trying to keep their women from moving because if we stay it is much more confortable for them, and they use the children welfare to make their point. I guess they made themselves believe that they are doing it for the children, even they do not realise fully how much they infact are doing it for their own good.

tobeheard can I point out something about your fab name.

I was watching the series The Big C and there is a bit in it where after having thrown her husband out and him organising a great surprise party for her she talks about the cake he has chosen. she says "it was a beautiful chocolate and raspberry cake but who likes chocolate cakes? not me. He does. So why does it do it. Is it me not having said it loud enough or is it him not listen to what I said?" I cried and cried.
From your choice of names I feel you may feel the same. I know I have said things loud and clear and often enough but they have been ignored, this is his fault. my fault is that I have ignored the fact that they have been ignored.

There! This is better than a counselling session

and one last thing before I finally get up from the quicksand the sofa has become today to do some laundry, as Rachel Cusk says in her book:

"...the feeling -so powerful and so fleeting, so hard to understand or defend - that we have been liberated from the strictures of some authority and are free. I do not identify this authority as my husband: the authority is marriage itself, and in these moments of liberty I feel him to be just as browbeaten by it as me, feel, almost, that I could conscript him into my own escape and reencounter him there, in non-marriage, both of us free."

which is a more literary convolute version of saying: free from these cage that marriage is we may be able to be good friends, good ex, or even be together.

Gems77-we didn't have kids, which definitely made it easier... to the OP - ultimately I don't think it matters right now why you are fearful of telling him it's over - there will always be fear - you need to just take the plunge, face the fear and do it. Else you'll look back in 5 yrs and be in the same place and nothing will have changed...interestingly, all the couples that were together when I split with my ex a long time ago are either all still together, or recently divorced/recovering from a separation, but all voiced doubts a very long time ago about staying with their partner (I love her but am not in love with her, type of thing). I appreciated why they had never moved on as I remember how hard it was to end my own relationship at that time after so many years but ultimately - you have to just do it and move forward.

A friend suggested that one blames thd partner for one's own dissatisfactions. He said change your life and get on with it, you might become happier and he will be happier too.
What do you think about that? Is that so? In a couple should you not work together or is it a myth?

My dp has said to me many times "don't blame your unhappiness and disatisfaction with your life on me".

Obviously there is some truth I suppose in that if you are not happy then you are going to possibly project that, but then again, why then do you not feel unhappy around your friends or family? I don't know about you, but when I'm with them I feel like me, calm, happy, relaxed, unfrustrated etc....but when I am with him I can feel irritated, annoyed, lonely, unsupported.

"Change your life and get on with it and you might become happier and he will be happier too"....
But even if you are happier, (for example, doing some part-time work as well as looking after the children, getting that nice balance where you are a mother but you are also a woman in your own right, you are using your brain, doing something for you not just the kids and him, getting some good adult interaction, earning some money etc), that's not going to suddenly make your DP help around the house or desire you in the bedroom or stop being a workaholic or actually communicate and listen to you and care enough to want to make the things that make you unhappy more workable etc is it?

I can understand that if you are with a happy person then that rubs off on you too, positive breeds positive etc. But sometimes there are just fundamental differences, such as lack of sexual chemistry, lack of communication, lack of common interests.....being happy can't change those.

I personally think that some people use marriage or having children as an excuse to just stop trying, as if it gives them a right to become lazy in the relationship because they have already got you (if you know what I mean). My dp used to cook all the time before we had a baby, he was anally tidy (OCD) but since dd has come along and he earns the money and I stay at home, he, like your partner, thinks that's all he has to do. THat makes you feel like a servant. That makes you resentful doesn't it.

Also, I definitely think that marriage/relationships can have lots of ups and downs, that's normal, of course it is. You can fall out or have rows or bicker about stupid stuff or even feel like you hate eachother sometimes, but as long as the fundamentals are there like respect, love, trust, chemistry, support and good communication then you deal with it all.

I don't think just because you are married or have a baby together you should put up with a non relationship. As Gems said, you have one life to live on this earth and if you look ahead and all you see with the person you are with is loneliness or unhappiness then it's time to leave.

There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely. That's worse than being alone surely.

Tobeheard i suspect my husband has been leading a double life all along... He is also married to you!!!!

Yea, that is what i think so too. Yes i do feel me when not around me. I used to feel super me with him in the esrlier days, that is why i married him, but now i dont because after he 'got me' like you said (and he could not believe his luck) he had to make sure that i metamorphosised into his mum. Of course i let it happen, but now i dont want it to happen anymore, i want to be me and if i have someone around i want then to want to be with ME! Like i say i cannot see that happening.

Btw i did work p/t after dd1 and he was the same. Even he admitted that he pushed it so that i stsyed at home because easier, eventhough i said and said how much i wanted to work, how hard i was finding it etc.

If you have a job snd your boss dies not appreciate you, taje you for granted, does not seem to like you etc what would you do? Try to change things from the inside first but if it doesnt work you change job, no?

We have tried...

Oh yes much worse. Alone is good too.

So what are you going to do?

There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely. That's worse than being alone surely.

There is nothing to fear by being alone. Being alone translates to being free. Being free brings opportunity, excitement, challenges and fun. I love the freedom take any opportunity that comes my way, whether it is work, socialising, holidays, family stuff or courses. I love my late nights, early nights. I love seeing friends, having people over, shopping, swimming at 6.30 am and just being able to say yes to what ever comes my way. I have lived many lives. Married, dating, single. I enjoyed them all at the time, but on reflection and I can go back a long way - give me single. Enjoy it to the full, but don't be single and waste it away pining for someone that may not exist.

I sm with you on this rightchoice, i have always loved bring single, ohhh the freedom. I am not scared of that, i sm scared of the hurt i will cause.

Ah, the old metamorphasising into his Mum thing! I have said so many times over this year to dp "I am NOT going to turn into your mother"...(she does everything for dps Dad, he doesn't lift a finger to help her,they don't have joint finances etc, they have stayed together even though they are not happy at all (he is an weird horrible man)....and hey, like you, guess what, I'm turning into his mother! And like you, I let it happen too.

Your Dh had no right at all to make you feel bad for wanting to work. But like you say, that's because if you were working outside the home too then it would mean he wouldn't have the "I earn the money so I don't have to help out" excuse.

Mine would love me to work, he acts like being at home, cooking, cleaning, washing, food shopping, looking after baby isn't hard work or a job as such.

I think it sounds as though you have tried as hard as you can and you can do no more now if he's not prepared to try. So at the end of all this you can at least leave with the knowledge that you didn't just chuck your marriage awy on a whim. You know you did all you could try to get through to him for you, and for your children.

Time now to starting acting. My best advice would be to sit him down, tell him how you feel,explain to him how sad you are about it all, tell him some of the things you have told us all on here, how you tried your best but that's it's just never going to make you, or him happy and that will eventually be obvious to the children. Ask him how he feels about it. Then be honest with him and tell him that you are going to get some legal advice and you didn't want to do it behind his back. You can have mediation so you can both go along and discuss the practicalities of childcare.

I think once you get the ball rolling you will feel better (as in less frustrated). I think you just want to move forward now yes? I think perhaps the stalling, the talking and not being taken seriously when you tell him how unhappy you are is making you very unhappy.

I do wish you lots of luck.

Yes, I too am not scared of being single at all. But like you OP, I am very scared of all the hurt I will cause, to dp, to dd, to both our families. I am scared of the guilt most of all.

Great positive words Rightchoice :)

Get hold of the book FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY, by Susan Jeffers. Fear has a lot to answer for!

Imagine for one moment you were fearless. Imagine all the people you were afraid of hurting would not actually hurt, but thought for a long time you should do something. Imagine you did the deed and everyone including you let out a huge sigh of relief. Everyone who matters, that means those that LOVE you will want you to live a full and happy life. You wont be the first to leve an unhappy marriage or partnership, and you won't be the last. Time rolls on, but you don't pass this way again, this is not a dress rehersal, this is your life. Good luck and have courage.

tobeheard - you are scared of guilt.

That is something you can control. You will only feel guilty if you do something you feel you shouldn't have done. If it were me I would feel guilty STAYING. Guilty that I was wasting my life being unhappy. Guilty that I wasn't fulfilling my birthright to be happy and fulfilled. Sacrificing your happiness to keep others happy is not the way to go - that simply is not working is it. Who is happy in your scenario?? I suspect no one.