Want to be on my own but cannot quite say it. At wits end.

[AllQuietOnThePippisFront]

After half/hijacking another thread I thought it wise to start one of my own, eventhough not with the most original topic, it seems.

I have not been happy in my marriage for a long time, a few years exactly. Last feb (a year ago) I reached breaking point and asked dp to come counselling. he came twice and then refused to continue. I am still going. Before that and since then he did nothing, in my view, to help the relation. In fact he did everything not to nurture it. He has shown no interest in being with me as a partner/friend/lover/person. Is interest is all in 'the family', and the children.

To cut a long story short, I now know I want to be on my own. Not only I cannot think about my 'rest-of-my-life' spent like this (as flatmates that are not even friends), but I am truly struggling with the everyday as I feel that every day spent in such manner is a day less of happiness.

dp has always adopted the 'head-under-the-sand' tecnique and has done so once again in the last two week after I told him I could not go on and I wanted to separate. The next day we looked amicably at flats and houses, then he loadedthedishawher and claredthetable twice acted all 'nice since and now acts as if all is well again. whether he pretend to think it is ok because it suits him or really believes it does not make much difference to me at this point: both indicate to me that I cannot be with this men.

I know what I should do, I would like help in the hows.
like someone said in another thread, it is difficult because he is a good man, is the rel that is crap. (of course he has done me some wrongs, and more that I am yet to admit, but still....).

I know some of you are sadly experts in such things so please do offer your advice.

PS: I am NOT worried or scared one bit of being on my own - in fact I cannot wait!! I love being on my own, I have been on my own anyway for a while now, I believe not much will change for me. Am I wrong? Am I smug?

TIA

Oh he did not want me to work but he did not think staying at home was a job, oh no, it is coffes and lunches with friends. Anyway it is not about skagging him off as i sm sure he will have as many stupid things to say about me. It is about us not sharing anything but the children.

Right choice wise wise words.

Wise words - thank you!

I really have been there, done that and got a million T-shirts! In my book you can't put a price on peace of mind. No matter what the challenges, you have to make a pact with yourself about what matters to you.

You need listen to your heart.

It is a bit like making vows to yourself about how you want to live, you have to promise yourself that you will protect yourself, your esteem, your contentment and your peace of mind.

The things you value most, and are trying to drag out of your partners, will never happen (with them). They have qualities yes.

Yes, it seems as if it would be easier to move on if they were drunk/abusive, but that is passing the buck. That is similar to them making it so bad, that you do the deed.

If ther person you share your life with is not incentivised to talk and meet you half way, then in my book you have the reason, and it is just fear holding you back.

What has to happen to give you courage to take control of your life and happiness. You don't have to 'do it by Friday' you just have to make your decision, which will mean a great weight lifts immediately, and then get the timing right. My very good friend took a while, but last week moved into her lovely new home, spent the second week skiing, and is throwing a party in three weeks for all her friends who supported her.

Incidentially her partner of 17 years is happier too and is getting off his arse to do something with his life rather than lay horizontal on the settee like he has for years. !!

Hi just wanted to say hi, I am in a similar position to you and to be honest the one thing that is stopping me really is the children - fear of what the impact will be for them, on my parents in law (who I am really very fond of) and indeed on DH who I think would be very hurt and upset (although I don't actually think he has a right to be but hey ho). So basically I am weighing up my own individual happiness/freedom/fulfilment etc against the pain and hurt of ending the marriage. I KNOW I deserve better and it's my right but it still feels soooo hard. DH does very little with the DD's in terms of the daily routine but they are so fond of him and the girls love us spending time together as a family. I just feel it would be so hard for them and I hate to make them unhappy. I am going to go and take a look at that Gingerbread site as it seems a good place to start. Just wanted to say yes it is hard but on balance do you think you would you regret not doing something (i.e staying) more than doing something (i.e ending it). I am currently reading two books which are really good - one is called Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to Go, and the other one is called Should I Stay or Should I Go. When I read the books it seems absolutely clear what the answer is but it's just bloody doing it that is hard!!

is it as great as I think it will be?

No, it will be better. You will loose some freedom re childcare etc, might have less money but will gain your sense of self. Nothing compares. Even now as half of a 'couple' there will be events you miss and things you don't see because he won't go and it would be odd to keep going alone. Once you are single, you are free to do as you want.

You've tried to fix it, he empties the dishwasher. Time to just get on with it imo. FWIW I had to find the flat for exP, called the removal company agreed a timetable etc. At the time, no one could understand why I the miserable one was ejecting such a 'catch'. But I knew and that was enough. Once he'd gone, it didn't take them long to see how DS and I blossomed.

just reading Transitions (making sense of lifes changes) by William Bridges. you can get it for about 1p on amazon. it might be helpful for you. i'm finding it very inspiring for pushing on through a long due necessary transition

tobeheard thankyou I do try and stay positive, believe be there have been hurdles but you have just got to carry on!
No it doesnt hurt to see him with someone else. I guess what hurts is that he moved on so quickly it kinda makes me feel sad and let down but then again definitely makes me think Iv done the right thing.
You mentioned people give up when they marry and have kids, thats very true! I do believe marriage is something you work at every day and when you have kids more so. People take each other for granted.
My mum would say to me I was blaming my husband for the fact I was unhappy with me, but now she cannot believe the change in me. It was my marriage weighing me down. Its not being alone it definitely being free.
rightchoice wise words!!

Typed a post to you yesterday, and it went poof, so will try again. As Helen said upthread, when I left the relationship, I got my Self back. I had been 'gaslighted' for a long time, and it was good to go back to a place where I could trust my own judgement. Dd (14) was actually happier when he stopped playing mind gameswith her, and had counselling at school, and says now the home is much calmer/pleasanter without him. We pandered to him, life revolved round him, and his outbursts if we watched Topgear (go figure) and his arbitrary switching off the wi-fi (sneakily) for no apparent reason. Much other emotional abuse to me, but I'm giving you the picture from dd's perspective. Was I happy immediately? No, but, no-one was making me out to be 'mad', so that was a bonus. Am I happy now? No, but I am getting there, things are on track, and I can see a point where I will be. Career wise things are a lot better, now I do not have to have so much energy absorbed in a v stressful relationship. I have more patience. I am just still sad that he could be such a fwit, and he seems to have moved on v quickly. Part of me hoped that he would be heartbroken, and a few months out of the marital home would make him appreciatee what he had, and look within himself. This hasn't happened. Intellectually, it was predictable, on a personal level, it was still very sad-making for me. I will however, an am, getting over it!

I start to believe i have done and given all i could to this rel. i am finding my voice and it feels great. Self awareness and self belief are mounting, guilt is receiding. I am on the right path.

Good! x

I am getting there yeaaaaaa

I have said it. I am going to make an ap to see a solicitor tomorrow. Done.