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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So i called off my wedding!!

78 replies

hotdiggitydog · 12/03/2012 14:53

I posted a thread in aibu i last week asking whether i should call my wedding off (thread is in other subjects somewhere) and everybody came to the conclusion i had come to myself and that yes we weren't right for eachother and i shouldn't go through with it.

I had been keeping my feelings unknown to him til last night, mid row i blurted out i didn't want to marry him, not now not ever. It all came pouring out, everything i had been feeling the past few weeks. Turns out he knew i had been not quite right with him and he though this was going to happen.

I couldn't believe we were arguing over petty edding stuff and again he put his face right up against mine and shouted in my face with gritted teeth, just like i was a piece of shit. And again he put his hands round my throat and for the first time i was actually scraed he was going to hurt me really badly. I told him this and he was mortified, quite rightly so. Didn't stop him saying it was all my fault though because i make him insecure due to him thinking i'm cheating with my ex, which btw i am not and never have.

He has gone to work and texted me loads of times saying he doesn't deserve me and he's only like that because he is scared i'm going to leave him for somebody else. and that he thinks he's not good enough for me? Really don't understamd why he thinks like that, i've got 2 children with him and was going to marry him ffs. I don't take those decisions lightly and do it with any old bloke who comes along. I used to absolutely adore the man, but now i can't stand him.

I do not want to be with him and i will stick to my guns, I've told him under no circumstances am i spending the rest of my life with somebody like that. Just not sure what i need to do next?

OP posts:

pictish · 12/03/2012 14:57

Pack up his stuff and put him out, I'd say.

He screams in your face and throttles you, and then in the next breath tries to make you responsible for his abysmal behaviour, before continuing on and playing the feel-sorry-for-me card!!

Goodbye.

CleopatrasAsp · 12/03/2012 15:00

Well done! You are well rid and don't let the violent back.

pictish · 12/03/2012 15:01

None of it is your fault by the way. You certainly didn't make him behave the way he did - he did that all by himself, and quite deliberately.

Lots of love and strength to you. You need to get shot of this oppressive and aggressive man asap. So sorry....how horrible. xxx

ChickensHaveNoLips · 12/03/2012 15:03

Nah, he's right. He isn't good enough for you. Sort out your finances, bills, rent etc. Then try and be civil to each other and be decent parents. You owe him nothing else.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 15:07

I'm sorry that you needed to, but pleased you have.

He needs serious help.

Don't let him worry you into trying again.

izzyizin · 12/03/2012 15:08

What will it take to separate your lives/affairs? It doesn't sound as if he'll leave willingly. Is your home co-owned or a joint tenancy? You may need legal advice and a occupation order to require him to leave.

If he threatens you or physically assaults you again, don't hesitate to call 999 and have the police remove him from your home.

I can't find your other thread. AIBU isn't the best place to garner opinion on relationships but from the way he behaved last night, I've got no hesitation in saying that you've done the right thing - and even if he hadn't behaved the way he did, if you have doubts about a future spouse it's never a good idea to marry them.

Rindercella · 12/03/2012 15:08

He's right - he doesn't deserve you.

He was mortified that you were scared he was going to hurt you when he put his hands around your neck?! How the fuck did he think you were going to feel? No-one deserves to live in fear of their life.

Good luck....It's going to be tough, but it sounds like you are firm in your decision. I am sure this is the hardest obstacle over with - gaining the strength, courage and knowledge to leave him.

tobeheard · 12/03/2012 15:10

He is very insecure. I had a similar experience (although without the hands around the throat thing) with an old boyfriend. I loved him lots and for the most part we had a great relationship, but he was very insecure, thought I was going to cheat, would get very angry and aggressive if I wanted to go out without him etc....he would be appalled at himself after he had shouted or pushed me around (never hit me as such), tell me how much he loved me and we would make up.

Your partner just sounds incredibly insecure and immature and his way of dealing with the thought of losing you is to get aggressive. At least he has tried to explain to you why he gets like this, that he feels insecure etc....doesn't excuse his behaviour at all, but at least he recognises it is wrong behaviour. Did he actually say it was your fault that he does it or did he just say that you make him feel insecure?

Either way, you have decided to not marry him so that is a good thing. But from the little you've said, I don't think he's deep down a bad man, just very insecure and terrified of losing you and his kids and showing this through anger. I may be wrong, but from my experience, when men feel very insecure and feel they are going to lose something they love so much, they lash out in this way.I knew someone who did this to a friend of mine (again, no actual hitting, just lots of shouting in face type stuff) and he was beside himself that he could actual behave this way (he was a really decent guy, I promise)....I think the relationship had worn away at his emotions, the insecurity of it all. Has your relationship been very up and down? Have you got togerther, split up, been rather unstable a lot?

He needs to deal with his insecurity issues in order for you two to have an amicable relationship again which you need for your kids.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/03/2012 15:13

His insecurity is his own issue to deal with - not your problem.

Congratulations on ending it.

Have a (((hug))) for the heartache.

Ephiny · 12/03/2012 15:13

I remember your other thread. You've done the right thing. Aside from everything else, his reaction confirms that.

I agree about getting legal advice, it's difficult for us to say without knowing all the details, such as your finances, ownership of the home etc.

tobeheard · 12/03/2012 15:14

and by the way, I meant to say some men (and women) can behave this way, not all of course! And of course his behaviour isn't right.

pictish · 12/03/2012 15:16

I think tobeheard is normalising and excusing his bad behaviour, as there is a part of her who thinks it is reasonable or understandable to be throttled.
With all due respect to her, it isn't and she is wrong.

igggi · 12/03/2012 15:16

tobeheard heaven save us from 'decent' men, if that is how you think they act!

AgathaFusty · 12/03/2012 15:20

He tried to strangle you. He is not safe. Where will he be tonight?

He shouldn't be allowed back into your home again now. What if his anger and insecurity take him to the next level of violence and he does succeed in seriously hurting you or worse?

I think you should be talking to Women's Aid or your local police today, to put something in place today to keep you (and potentially your children) safe.

CailinDana · 12/03/2012 15:21

Everyone feels insecure in their relationship at some point, it's normal. What's not normal is to then attack the partner you're supposed to love so much. You have absolutely done the right thing, I'm delighted for you. It's not easy but you won't regret it.

Once all the practicalities of splitting are sorted it might be worth seeking out some counselling for yourself, just to get your head straight and to come to terms with everything.

porcamiseria · 12/03/2012 15:23

well done, brave girl. take one day at a time

Mumsyblouse · 12/03/2012 15:25

Wow, I am so glad you have seen sense. There simply isn't a good reason why anyone would put their hands round your neck :( and scream in your face. At least you know you are doing the right thing. What do you need help with, the emotional side or is he living with you and you don't know how to get him out?

By the way, do be quite careful, someone that angry could really hurt you. Have you got RL friends or family that could help with this (and I disagree with tobeheard that this is normal when people feel insecure/losing everything). It's not nice to be dumped, but I can't say I've put my hands round the neck of anyone who has ever dumped me.

solidgoldbrass · 12/03/2012 15:30

Have a word with the local police DV unit and tell them that this man has attacked you once and you think he may do so again. They will be able to advise you WRT an occupation order, and they will flag your address so they know to respond quickly if you need to call for help.
Because I'm afraid to say that this is the most dangerous time; dumping an abusive man. This one's already escalated to strangling you and screaming at you, you really need to get him out of the house and prohibited from coming near you. Best of luck.

DinahMoHum · 12/03/2012 15:32

well done, im so pleased you found the strength to do this x

pictish · 12/03/2012 15:32

I agree with SGB - you must take measures to ensure your safety, so I think a call to the police is in order too.

izzyizin · 12/03/2012 15:42

Visit www.womensaid.org to find your nearest branch and give them a call as the national helpline is frequently oversubscribed.

Original poster

hotdiggitydog · 12/03/2012 15:43

Sorry i'm still here, just got back from school run.

here is my other thread for those who didn't see it before.

It has always been very much like this, we don't split up all the time but we do argue a lot and the arguments keep getting worse. I told him last night that i actually feared for my safety and thst i knew he was never going to change. He told me he couldn't trust me and i know he never will. An example of this was on saturday, i was showing my gran some pics of her nephew (so my cousin sort of) on facebook as she hadn't seen him for a while and my oh was totally wound up by it. Fair enough i hadn't really mentioned this bloke before but then again i never see him so no need to and all of a sudden he's in my face accusing me of ogling some other bloke! He knew he was being stupid but it still didn't stop him having a go at me.

Deep down he is a decent bloke, he works hard to provide for his family and he is brilliant with the kids but there is this one side of him that can be so nasty. I'm fed up being told i'm a slag or that i'm off out shagging x amount of blokes. Truth is i've only had a baby 8 weeks ago, i never go anywhere apart from bloody playgroup once or twice a week!

I know i would be kidding myself to think it would ever be any different so best to get out of it now. He will be back from work at 5, we haven't really discussed it all properly as we were arguing til 3am then the baby woke up and after that i needed to sleep so bad. He had been very apologetic today, saying how much he loves me and that i will ruin his life if i go through with this.

Well he will ruin mine if i carry on any longer

OP posts:

pictish · 12/03/2012 15:44

Yes you are quite right. He will.
Stay strong.

Ellovera · 12/03/2012 15:55

Decent guys do NOT do this! It's abusive. Well done you for seeing that he will not change, please look forward to a safer future without him. Don't give up now , make a firm decision for you and your child.don't be swayed by his crocodile tears , they all do that! Good luck and keep us posted. Stay strOnh.

Proudnscary · 12/03/2012 15:57

I do think you should be very careful right now.

If I've learned anything on here about domestic violence (you do know that's what this is right?) it's that this is a dangerous time for you, when you are planning to leave the relationship.

Please take the advice upthread and speak to Women's Aid and/or the police.

Well done, good luck and very sorry it's come to this but it is the right thing to do

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