So i called off my wedding!!

[hotdiggitydog]

I posted a thread in aibu i last week asking whether i should call my wedding off (thread is in other subjects somewhere) and everybody came to the conclusion i had come to myself and that yes we weren't right for eachother and i shouldn't go through with it.

I had been keeping my feelings unknown to him til last night, mid row i blurted out i didn't want to marry him, not now not ever. It all came pouring out, everything i had been feeling the past few weeks. Turns out he knew i had been not quite right with him and he though this was going to happen.

I couldn't believe we were arguing over petty edding stuff and again he put his face right up against mine and shouted in my face with gritted teeth, just like i was a piece of shit. And again he put his hands round my throat and for the first time i was actually scraed he was going to hurt me really badly. I told him this and he was mortified, quite rightly so. Didn't stop him saying it was all my fault though because i make him insecure due to him thinking i'm cheating with my ex, which btw i am not and never have.

He has gone to work and texted me loads of times saying he doesn't deserve me and he's only like that because he is scared i'm going to leave him for somebody else. and that he thinks he's not good enough for me? Really don't understamd why he thinks like that, i've got 2 children with him and was going to marry him ffs. I don't take those decisions lightly and do it with any old bloke who comes along. I used to absolutely adore the man, but now i can't stand him.

I do not want to be with him and i will stick to my guns, I've told him under no circumstances am i spending the rest of my life with somebody like that. Just not sure what i need to do next?

OP I really think you shouldn't be there when he gets home, or you shouldn't let him in. I'm worried that he will go even further.

If you have to let him in, could you have a friend or family member with you? Someone he wont explode in front of, or someone that could call the police if he does.

I really dont think you two need to talk right now. He has shown from his actions that he cannot be trusted. Even if he is distraught by his actions, he still attacked you. Would he attack his boss in the same way? No matter what he says, he has chosen to attack you.

You deserve better and so do your kids.

Best of luck OP. Take care.

Just had a text from him

"really really hope you can forgive me for being such a dickhead and realise i'm not aggressive normally, i just have this stupid fucking issue that turns me into a complete wanker :( i love you so much xxxxxxx"

Not quite sure what to make of that.

Don't think i will be in any danger when he comes home, after all i do know the bloke i've lived with him for 3 years. He knows he's gone too far now.

Oh and another one

"i want you to have the perfect wedding, although i think you have given up thinking you can have that with me? :( xxx"

No shit! I don't think he realises i'm being serious about this.

I'm just ignoring the texts.

The only thing you can make of it is that he's making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour.

He needs to get professional help to resolve his 'stupid fucking issue' once and for all otherwise he's doomed to wreck every intimate relationship he embarks on, just as he's wrecked yours.

Have you called the wedding off as in cancelling bookings etc?

Are you proposing to continue living with this man or do you intend to separate from him?

No doubt anyone can have 'the perfect wedding' with a chimpanzee as bride or groom but it's not about the wedding, is it? It's about the marriage that comes after the wedding.

My love, you say you know the bloke but do you really?

In your last thread you told about him getting a knife and threatening to go to your ex's house with it. You also sai dthat the last time he got you by the throat he said he'd never do it again - well he has hasn't he.

I'm not trying to scare you, I just really think you should forget what you think you know about him, and recognise that he is now showing you his true colours

I've been on the phone today and have cancelled a few things, he doesn't know yet though. I think he thinks he can just worm his way back in like usual, except this time i'm not gonna lie back and take it like a mug.

I told him i do not deserve this no matter how much he thinks i do. And i quoted a mnetter who said "it doesn't matter if you're out shagging 50 blokes a night he has no right to lay his hands on you". Which made things worse and he took that to mean thats what i'm doing!!

Get rid of him completely. Make a clean break, if after 6 months you still love him and want to be with him you can always go back. If you don't get out you won't know if you're happier without him.

I guarantee you will not want him back.

FWIW if someone had behaved like that to me he wouldn't be coming home because I would have changed the locks.

How convenient of him to blame 'issues'.

He sounds like a right thug. It's sad that the father of your children has turned out to be like this.

Christ. I'm so glad you've called this off. Have you told him you want to end the whole relationship? What are your living arrangements, is it your house?

Yes i am sad that i chose to have children with this man and that because of him they won't be with the both of us BUT i would much rather we were apart if this is how he is going to treat me, especially when he doesn't care if the children are witnesses to his behaviour or not. I'm fed up hearing him shout at me when i'm trying to look after one of the children. I know initially it will upset them but will be better in the long run.

He's coming here because like i said we hadn't really discussed it, and i would like to be grown up about it and talk about whats going to happen etc. I know he will b all nicey nicey towards me but i'm really not in the mood for it and i will be telling him straight how i feel and what i want.

I can't believe i had the courage to blurt it all out and it felt like such a weight had been lifted afterwards. I'vetried to get past these feelings and they will not go away. I do care about the man and i will give him time to sort himself out but theres no us anymore and he will know that.

He sounds nothing more than bully and you are better off without him in your life. You deserve a life where you are free to live without fear.

If anybody ever pulled this with me would not be walking in through the door as he would probably have had his kneecaps broken before he had chance to appologise. (Italian blood and all that). He sounds a complete dick and needs to be shown that his shit is not on. xx

And we are joint tenants on the house, although we are yet to sign the renewed contract. I tried to get hold of my landlord today and couldn't, i have left him an email though asking about changing it over. Not sure how i'm going to pay the rent for a while though til things like housing benefit kick in (which i know can take months). I'm on maternity leave atm so not sure what kind of things i will be entitled to as he is the main wage earner and his wages pay all the household bills.

I've been a single parent before so i know i can do it again, no matter how sad it makes me.

Your kids will be fine, at least they're still quite young and they won't remember him being there at all in time, but you're right, he shouldn't be shouting at you at all and certainly not in front of them.

Can you get someone to be with you when you explain to him that you want to end things? (Heard an awful programme on Radio 4 yesterday about "family annihilation" and whilst I don't want to give you the fear perhaps you should look it up.)

And i'm well aware he is a bully. I told him he was controlling, abusive and a bully and he just said how the fuck am i? You can do whatever you want...pfft yeah right! I don't go anywhere without him to save arguments and the last time i went to visit a friend he thought i was going off shagging my ex, til i asked him to take me there just to bloody prove where i was going. Its so pathetic and i cannot and will not live this way.

Well done and please stay strong.

My mum thought the same way about my dad as tobeheard seems to think about your stbx. That it was only insecurity that made him accuse her of sleeping with every man she looked at. That he was really a decent man (and a great provider!) and must really care for her to think of her in that manner. She thought he'd change. She thought that marriage would clear all his insecurities, after all, she'd chosen to be with him and him alone, hadn't she?

My childhood and most of my adult life was punctuated by their screaming rows, ALWAYS started by his suspicious mind. All four of his children were 'not his' at one time or another. They rarely went out as a couple because if my mum lifted her eyes from the floor all night she must be signalling to her bit on the side. He was never physically violent, but constantly mentally abusive.

And when my sister and I became teenagers he began to do it to us too. If the bus was late dropping me back from work I must have been 'doing something' (never spoken aloud but always insinuating that I was off shagging), he disconnected the phone (pre-digital/plug in phones - he was an ex-telephone engineer so knew how to do it at the mains) when I got my first boyfriend so he couldn't ring the house, he'd go crazy if we wore make up ("painting our faces" to attact men) and would make us lift our tops up to see if we were wearing bras before we went out. He made us into liars and sneaks because it was only by lying and sneaking about that we could have anything approaching a normal life.

I left home as soon as I was able but he never changed. Even at 79, with raging alzheimers he was accusing my mother of eyeing up the male doctors on his ward...

And yes, I do resent my mother for continually excusing him and whitewashing the past, making out that it was never that bad and he loved us all, he really did. Don't let that happen to your children.

Please take care and look after yourself. Can't give any advice about leaving/getting rid of him, there are others far better qualified to do that who have already posted, but after tobeheard's post I had to say something - it literally made my blood run cold to read someone else making the same kind of excuses for this behaviour.

"Deep down he is a decent bloke"

Erm, no. He's not. a decent bloke wouldn't do the things he has done. Sure he pretends to be a decent bloke when he needs to be to get his way.

Decent blokes don't accuse you and torture you for hours, don't call names, don't punish and don't humiliate.

He is an abuser, and you need to end it totally with him and not look back. There will never be any change to him, he will only get worse. If you had married him, i am willing to bet everything I have that he would be even worse. You'd be thinking that if you marry him, you will prove your commitment to him, and then he'll stop with the accusations. I promise you he'd not stop, he'd get worse, more paranoid and his violence would increase. he'd give himself the permission to do this, cos he has married you and you are HIS.

When a woman is trying to leave a man like this, it is the most dangerous time for her, just seen that Proudandscary said this already, she's right. Please listen?

Please get someone to be with you, please don't do this alone and don't let him back.

Thankyou Lovecat. I think i needed to hear that.

Okay he is back in a min. I will feed the kids and then put them to bed before i talk to him. I will be back to let you know how it goes.

Good luck. x

I remember you. Well done, love. He isn't a decent bloke though, that is the one thing you are wrong on.

I just read the BS twaddle that tobeheard just spouted.

What irresponsible and idiotic nonsense!

Many of us are insecure, that doesn't permit someone to be verbally abused, prevented/discouraged from socialising or being screamed at in their face.

Oh and by the way... being verbally/mentally/psychologically abused is AT LEAST as bad as the 'hands around the throat thing'.

TBH I'd have preferred to have been beaten black and blue for the 10 years I was stuck with my Ex. At least bruises and broken bones heal by themselves. The non-physical abuse will NEVER EVER heal. Oh the effects of it will diminish, I will learn to overcome the anguish the torture, isolation and insults caused, but the fear that they embed in my inner being will never truly leave.

The proof of this tobeheard is your normalisation of what is serious and life long abuse. You have been conditioned, perhaps by abusive parents, to feel that you deserve nothing more in life than this, AND possible have fallen foul to a string of abusive men.

One thing is for sure, your view on this is skewed, it is dangerous and unless YOU deal with YOUR issues Tobeheard and stop allowing a millimeter of acceptance for abuse, you will end back up in an abusive relationship.

Need I re-state the fact that in this country 2 women a week are killed by their partners?

1 in 3 women will be abused by a partner at some point in their lives. We need to make DAMNED sure that there is NO corner left where this kind of treatment of one human being is in anyway deemed acceptable on any level.

Oh and abusers ought to be kept away from children. They don't need to have access as a normal person would. They are not normal and they are not safe to be around. They are defunct and defective humans and need to be kept at a safe distance. Children need to be protected from these vile creatures. Remember, these abusers CHOOSE to behave like this, they actively PLAN to hurt, destroy and upset anyone they need to, to get to what they want. Partners, parents, siblings and children are all collateral damage in the game of memememememememe.

hotdiggitydog, love. Save your breath. There is no point talking to him.

You will be attempting to reason with an inanimate object. You may as well enter negotiations with a bowl of custard for all the good it will do you.

Make arrangements for him to leave, and if he doesn't, them make them for him, with support from your family/police as needed. Don't vacillate, don't give him an inch. Seriously, he'll turn you inside out and manipulate you into letting him stay.

You MUST get him out of your life. There IS no plan B.

Well done hotdiggety, and be careful.

You are very vulnerable right now.

Have to confess that i've just wept with relief

Well done Hot -be careful and please make sure you're safe before anything else - nothing but you and your dc matter.

You should be so very proud of yourself.

As for the next step, I think you should get him out asap - you've already made great progress cancelling things/ contacting LL which i am sure you will continue.

Don't forget to make a little time for yourself too - dc, dvd, duvet and choxolate? Bask in the warmth of those who love you most x