So i called off my wedding!!

[hotdiggitydog]

I posted a thread in aibu i last week asking whether i should call my wedding off (thread is in other subjects somewhere) and everybody came to the conclusion i had come to myself and that yes we weren't right for eachother and i shouldn't go through with it.

I had been keeping my feelings unknown to him til last night, mid row i blurted out i didn't want to marry him, not now not ever. It all came pouring out, everything i had been feeling the past few weeks. Turns out he knew i had been not quite right with him and he though this was going to happen.

I couldn't believe we were arguing over petty edding stuff and again he put his face right up against mine and shouted in my face with gritted teeth, just like i was a piece of shit. And again he put his hands round my throat and for the first time i was actually scraed he was going to hurt me really badly. I told him this and he was mortified, quite rightly so. Didn't stop him saying it was all my fault though because i make him insecure due to him thinking i'm cheating with my ex, which btw i am not and never have.

He has gone to work and texted me loads of times saying he doesn't deserve me and he's only like that because he is scared i'm going to leave him for somebody else. and that he thinks he's not good enough for me? Really don't understamd why he thinks like that, i've got 2 children with him and was going to marry him ffs. I don't take those decisions lightly and do it with any old bloke who comes along. I used to absolutely adore the man, but now i can't stand him.

I do not want to be with him and i will stick to my guns, I've told him under no circumstances am i spending the rest of my life with somebody like that. Just not sure what i need to do next?

He is an entitled abusive man. This negates any of his so-called "good points".
Please be aware that the abuse may escalate shown he realises you are serious. He may accuse you of having someone else, or he may crumple and cry. Be prepared for anything, including calling the police if he gets aggressive.

Putting his hands round your neck/throttling is one of the most aggressive and high-risk of assaults and can be fatal. Please do not minimise it. Think how much it would take you to do such a thing to someone you love. Impossible right? No decent man would even contemplate such an assault, let alone carry it out.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? If not please do, if only for another agency to tell you that you are absolutely right to end this relationship.

I think you need to be very careful ending this relationship and should ring Women's Aid for advice. You are at risk of being hurt by this man. He's already put his hands around your neck, it could escalate from there. As for his so called insecurities, they are just an excuse to justify his controlling behaviour.

Sorry, I didn't intend to normalise or excuse his behaviour. Putting his hands around your neck is utterly wrong and abusive and of course the OP must have been very scared and should rightly leave the relationship. I think what I was trying to get across was that sometimes people are capable of doing things totally out of character when under severe emotional pressure and that at least he realises how deeply wrong his actions were. Doesn't make up for what he did but I think another type of person may have not even realised what they did was appalling. Apologies if my reply came across as trying to excuse his behaviour.

Ah, after reading your further posts, I understand things further.
You will not ruin his life if you leave him (emotional blackmail).
However, he will ruin your life if you stay.

Good luck

This might not be popular but l would leave him or change the locks and not let him back in etc as many others have said but also would not want him to ever be alone with the children again. Too often read tragic endings with violent controlling men like this, particularly dangerous creatures when they have nothing to lose.

apologies Houdinihissy you have already raised my point about the childrens safety vs his access 'rights'.

DOn'[t think of him as a nice bloke. He isn't. He's a self-obsessed wanker who thinks it's OK to hurt people he's supposed to care about.

Actually, a little concerned, as you haven't posted back.
Particularly given his behaviour earlier.

I hope everything is alright. :-)

Take care.

Ditto Lueji.

Hope that you are ok Hotdiggety.

Indeed, he doesn't sound very 'decent' to me. From what I remember from your previous thread, this isn't the first time he's been violent to you. Though for me even one incident like this would be a dealbreaker - IME normal decent people do not behave like this no matter how upset or insecure they feel.

We can all get upset and shout or say unreasonable things, maybe do daft things like storming out or slamming the door, none of that is ideal behaviour but we're all human! What we do not do is threaten to kill people, pick up a knife, put our hands around someone's throat as if to strangle them. It's not normal, it's not right.

I hope you're OK. Please be careful how you handle this.

Thinking of you Hot - how did it go yesterday? Please post and let us know you're ok love x

Hope everything went ok. Let us know when you get chance. x

I hope you are ok Hotdiggety, thinking of you today.

Are you ok OP?

Bumping - let us know how things went and that you're ok. x

You should say to him

'Yes, you are absolutely right - all those fears and insecurities you harbour are bang on the money. I do not think you are good enough for me.

Any man who thinks he can frighten and intimidate me into submission is not good enough for me. Any man who thinks he has a right to half-strangle me every time he feels he is losing control of the relationship, and then tries to justify it, is not good enough for me. Any man who consistently refuses to trust me and behaves in a paranoid way when I have never given him cause to, is not good enough for me. Goodbye.'

OK - we haven't heard from the OP since Monday and it's now Thursday.

Really hoping you're ok, OP?

Often if women don't come back to theese sort of threads it's because they have decided to give the bloke another chance and don't want to face mumsnet disappointment. Much more likely that her having been battered etc. It sounds as though you are getting too involved here sliverthorns.

Maybe. Hope that is the case.

I am here! Stupid internet been down for a few days thanks to sky and my phone is shit and can't access mn from there.

He came home from work, helped with the kids etc and the whole time we didn't speak to eachother. Sat down around 9ish to have a chat which started amicably but then he got wound up again and got right up in my face and shouted at me again. I immediately said thankyou and he replies, what for? So i said for helping me to remember just what a cunt you are.

He has been staying with his brother since then and i'm now in the process of changing everything over to just me. My landlord doesn't seem to think it will be a problem me staying here as the children are settled and we have a lovely home, just hoping i will get some kind of housing benfit as being on maternity leave does not cover the £700 a month rent!!

Haven't spoken to him since then and not sure when i'm likel too either but i am fine

A relieved lurker writes: thank God for that!

Brilliant response to his shouting, the perfect answer really.

Phew!

Go to the CAB as soon as you can to get advice with benefits/help etc.

Yay! Glad you're ok, sorry you're having to go through all this but you'll be better off in the long run. All the best.

hot you are amazing and awesome and so strong! I am virtual high fiving you. You will never regret leaving him and the only way is up for you and your kids from here on out.

Well done! Whoop whoop whoop!

Well done! :)

So relieved to hear you're OK.