Is it too soon and am i just being silly?

[seriouslyslummymummy]

Right first time on here so please go easy on me. Last year i broke up with my ex of 12 years. I've met a few men since but never really clicked with one until now. I met a lovely guy on the internet. We sort of took it slow but with us that seems to mean running as fast as we can.
He has met my sons and they love each him. My friends have met him too. Everyone says we make a lovely couple. He wants to move to be closer to us all. I know it was too soon but it felt so right. I really feel like he is the one. The only problem is that despite him looking at houses near mine and wanting to be moved down here by april he hasn't told his parents i exist.
Am i right to be worried or is this just silly when everything else is so right?

did you show him this thread, Op ?

Can you explain what you mean when you say you're pretty sure you've lost him because you didn't trust yourself to talk about your fears? Has he changed his mind about moving closer to you since you started this thread?

It is possible to be singe and happy. IMO it's essential prove to yourself that you can be single and happy for a while before you get into a healthy relationship.

I would say that being content with yourself as a single person is almost essential for the future success of relationships, to be honest.

To answer your original question- yes it is too soon and yes you are being silly.

Your last post is more like the squeakings of a mouse than the words of a 'strong, confident woman'.

You know you're going too fast and all we're doing is confirming that, yes, you need to take your foot off the gas and don't rush into a full-on relationship with a man you barely know - no matter how 'nice' and 'caring' he may appear to be.

Take it easy, honey, and look to have the fun you missed out on in your late teens/20's now that your boys are coming to an age where they won't need you to be around quite so much.

No, don't think you've lost him because you didn't talk to him about your fears sooner.. You have now and your fears about the situation should be something you work through together, if he isn't willing to do so or accept them as valid points, it's not your fault, don't blame yourself for saying how you feel, ever!

You do deserve happiness, of course you do.. we were just saying slow down out of concern, if he's throwing a strop now (which he must be if you think you've 'lost' him) i think that illustrates something isn't right.

What makes you think you've lost him?
Have you spoken to him while you've been on MN?
What has he said?

OP - I'll echo what Izzy said just there.

You don't sound confident, or strong. You sound vulnerable, and as though you are basing this big, important decision on wishful thinking.
Please use your common sense on this one...and I know it's there, otherwise you would not have posted about your concerns.

Three months is nothing. When you have children to consider, it is a paltry amount of time. You already know this. Him uprooting himself to live closer to you WILL NOT slow things down - that is a nonsensical thing to say. All it will do is make you feel utterly obliged to him.

If it turns out that he's a wrong un, he will so much the harder to get shot of won't he? And there's the kids stuck in the middle of it all.

Anyone can be charm personified for as long as it takes to get their feet under the table.
You cannot possibly be certain enough of this man yet, to bring him into your kids' lives. They do NOT love him. Don't be so silly. You are projecting YOUR feelings onto them because you want it to be so, and they want to please you, so they are suggestable.

I'm not trying to down your love...all I'm saying is that common sense is lacking here, and the situation requires it by the bucket load. Get some.

And if he is the man you imagine he is, he won't mind calling the halters on the whole moving business, as he will understand that you have to put your kids first.

My guess is that he is the one who came up with this whole moving closer scheme in the first place, and he is the one that is pushing for it to happen.

If he is threatening to dump you because you are unsure, then take it from me - you are well shot of him.

No man with a grain of decency punishes his girlfriend for putting her kids first.

We've been talking all night. it's been good to get things out in the open. He does know me and understand me. I really don't think he ever meant to hurt me. Despite what some of the women on here have thought he is a very good man. We are going to talk more about what we both want. Slowing down might be good for us.
I know one thing and that is getting it out and not being afraid to hear what is being said is good. I only thought i lost him because i hid away from him. I kept too much of myself hidden. I will try my best to be more open with him.
There are reasons i kept him from seeing too much. None his fault. He is a wonderful man and i think we can make a go of it. Even if we slow down a bit now. Thank you all for helping

You have every right to keep whatever you want from him! It has been three months!! You are NOT obliged to share your deepest and darkest with someone you have known for so short a time.
Self preservation....please!

I'm a bit confused. i really don't think he ever meant to hurt me
How has he hurt you?
I thought you said he would never hurt you?
There is no reason why this shouldn't work, but I think it would be a good idea for you to get to know yourself a bit more.
You still sound a bit needy and not strong at all. Not a critisism just observation from what you have posted.

Most 'new' couples would be happy to spend 3 days/nights a week and some holiday time together until they really get to know other - which, incidentally, does not mean spilling your guts relating your life story and revealing all/any of your vulnerabilities until you are absolutely certain that what you say won't be used against you at some future point.

Don't make a conscious effort to be more 'open' with him - just be yourself and go with the flow otherwise you'll be forever caught on the hook of 'did I say too much/did I not say enough'.

In saying 'he does know me and understand me', you're projecting wishful thinking on to him. Of course he doesn't know or understand you after such a short time, any more than you 'know and understand' him.

Equally, no-one 'on here' knows if he's a good man or not - but the point is that neither do you. And that is why you shouldn't rush yourself or your dc into a relationship that may not be good for you in the long term.

As I suspect you were in a rush to shack up with your ex, I hope you'll make an effort to get out and about on your own/with your mates on the 4 days/nights you're not seeing your new man - and please disabuse yourself of any notion that your dc 'love him' as harbouring illusions of that kind are dangerous to you all.

Yes it is too soon. You sound like a teenager which isn't surprising given that you have been with abusive ex since you were one. Take it far more slowly especially where your sons are concerned. I think you are panicking that you don't have a hold over him and that he might vanish in a poof of smoke if you don't force more commitment and intertwining of lives. You must not do this. If it is meant to last you will still have him in 12 months time by which point you will have a better idea of who he really is and whether you can get through the day to day as well as the fun. Also, why would you want to rush through the lovely first part into boring domesticity? Is that the only way a relationship seems real to you? And in what universe is that 'taking it slowly'?

Eh, how you got from this
"He does know me and understand me."

to this:

" I only thought i lost him because i hid away from him. I kept too much of myself hidden."

In one post is beyond me.

You sound extremely immature. All your posts. Please take your time and grow up a little before embarking on any relationships.

You introduced this stranger of the internet to your dcs after 3 months? wow.just wow.

There is some wonderful advice on here - and sometimes it's hard to take advice that we don't want to hear. With a unanimous voice, your fellow MNers have suggested that you slow down and try to enjoy the 'courtship' phase. I think that there's a lot of truth in the comments about your needing to be single for a bit.

When you've been in a long, and abusive, relationship, you can lose sight of what your own ambitions, views, wants and needs are. I would imagine that as you've been busy raising 2 kids as well, that the person you are has taken a back seat for a good decade. It's going to take time for you to find yourself again. Give yourself some space to find out what it is exactly you want.

This may not be MN style, but this poem sums it up for me; it's called 'Love after Love' (and it's by Derek Walcott).

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

You've read it wrong, Bell. The OP must have introduced the stranger she met on the internet to her dc way earlier than 3 months because 'they really love him' and they're unlikely to have fallen in love with a man they've only just met or have met on one occasion.

lego that pome has a very powerful message, I have never come across it before

thanks for posting it

Hope you don't mind that I'm nicking borrowing your brilliant poem to post on another thread, legoballoon - with appropriate credit, of course.

I understand the temptation to fall headlong into another relationship when you've escaped an abusive one. How much you want to feel happy, desired and loved.
But you need to keep yourself for you. Find out who you are and take it slowly with any man you may meet. You need to rediscover the you that was lost. It isn't necessary to lay your life open this early.

I think you should tell your friends everything, and ask for their 100% honest thoughts, to be brutal with you if needed. Because right now, NO WAY are they being honest with you -- you are so into this guy, and they'd be scared of losing you if they really said what they think so they HAVE to hold back in their opinions. Ask for the God's honest truth from them, no holds barred, with a guarantee that you'll take it as the concern of friends and never harm your friendship with them - as they sound like nice people who know you and care about you and who have met him (I presume), and know your history, and I think they'll give you great advice that is worth listening to.

There are 2 separate things being discussed here - the view that you keep the you part of you separate from your relationship, for self preservation.. and the idea that you should not bottle up your feelings for fear of any confrontation, isn't the latter the basis of 'walking on eggshells'?

I read that the OP didn't discuss how she felt up until now for fear of losing him in the I know one thing and it is getting it out and not being afraid to hear what is being said is good.. She needs to say how she feels in this relationship, she needs to learn that a partnership is equal, that she matters, especially as the last one was abusive. She says There are reasons i kept him from seeing too much - yes, her past experience..

For her to say We are going to talk more about what WE want is a monumental step given the past.. Although we are advising her to be cautious, and slow down, i think she also deserves a bit of credit for having found a voice now.

Jellykat, I agree, but the OP needs to consider her dcs too. I know how hard it is to recover from an abusive relationship and my advice is intended to get her to protect herself and not get swamped in the excitement I know it's difficult and I think she's made great steps.
Hopefully this will slow things down a bit so the OP can work towards a relationship SHE wants when she is ready.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sex, you just need to keep it away from your kids until if and when it becomes a relationship for keeps.