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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it too soon and am i just being silly?

100 replies

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 21:48

Right first time on here so please go easy on me. Last year i broke up with my ex of 12 years. I've met a few men since but never really clicked with one until now. I met a lovely guy on the internet. We sort of took it slow but with us that seems to mean running as fast as we can.
He has met my sons and they love each him. My friends have met him too. Everyone says we make a lovely couple. He wants to move to be closer to us all. I know it was too soon but it felt so right. I really feel like he is the one. The only problem is that despite him looking at houses near mine and wanting to be moved down here by april he hasn't told his parents i exist.
Am i right to be worried or is this just silly when everything else is so right?

OP posts:

Original poster

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 22:17

he is planning on renting near me and i do know enough of his life to know who he is. He is not married and no children either. His can work from home so that wont be a problem either. He really is a lovely, kind caring man. Him moving down here will make it easier to slow down a bit. Make things less intense and gives us the time to start thinking with our heads not our hormones. He really was just trying to make things easier

OP posts:

pictish · 11/03/2012 22:17

Seeing someone three days a week after three months is plenty!
That's called courting - which is what you should be doing after three months!
What's the rush to live in each others pockets all about?

Original poster

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 22:18

He would always answer the phone and we chat until the early hours anyway. It's very rare for us not to chat until midnight at least

OP posts:

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:19

Seriously text him now and ask to meet his parents. Then we can all suss him out by his reply

pictish · 11/03/2012 22:19

Him moving down here will make it easier to slow down a bit.

Err....no. I'm sorry, but how is that 'slowing things down'?

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:20

How will living nearer make things slow down ?

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/03/2012 22:21

How old is this man op?

mybabyweightiseightyearsold · 11/03/2012 22:21

Parents = wife and three kids

Betcha a girly night out on that.

Having said that, my husband was the type to not introduce girlfriends to his parents - preferring to keep private, private. He introduced me on the third date though...cos he was fair smitten. So, perhaps your lovely blokie is private, or not smitten, or both?

Back off, see what he does. That'll give you an answer.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 22:21

A lot of women thought they knew the men well - when in fact they were married, told the wife they had to work 'away' and went to visit 'parents' quite a bit (the wife). We are only trying to help, not rain on your parade. You met him on the internet, you haven't met his friends, family or been to his house - why/how are you so sure you know him??

beachcombers · 11/03/2012 22:22

I can't believe he is planning to move but presumably hasn't told his parents (who he sees every weekend) why! Doesn't that strike you as odd?

Who does he live with now? Why is he seeing his parents every weekend, is he still going to do that when he lives closer to you?

Also have you met any of his friends?

This rings all manner of alarm bells with me sorry.

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:23

My ex all but moved in with me and he was married with kids!!!

Original poster

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 22:25

He says he wants me to meet them. I just really hated feeling like the invisible woman. My ex did that to me for over 6 months so i didn't want to do that again.
As for the moving down here to slow things down thing, our thinking was that we would see what real life would actually be like. Normal boring day to day life. Not just three perfect blissful days.

OP posts:

rightchoice · 11/03/2012 22:25

Phew, at least he is definately not married or not able to talk!! The worry you have is about how up front he is with his parents. Is that because you don't want him to hide you? If he is close to them and sees them every weekend and has not even mentioned you it is odd. If he rarely spoke to them that would be different but to see them weekly and still not mention you is odd unless he has a problem in telling them you have children, and they want him to be with someone he can start a family with 'from scratch'. I do know someone who found it difficult to explain to his parents that his girlfriend had DC - that could be it.

beachcombers · 11/03/2012 22:26

I know plenty of men who tell their parents next to nothing about their lives, girlfriends etc. However, they also don't see their parents every weekend...

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:26

If you didn't have children then you could do what you wanted. BUT you do have children and it's not been that long that their Dad moved out. Please think of them. I know it's all lovely and exciting for you to be in love but your kids might not be so keen if this chap moves down and you spend even more time with him.

Lifeissweet · 11/03/2012 22:27

Maybe I'm naive, but I disagree with the suspicious ones. I do, however, think that you're just getting a bit carried away. If he is the one for you, then it will work itself out in time no matter how slow you take it.

I would be wary of getting the children too involved at this stage.

I am a romantic, so understand how this can happen, but also try to remember that this dating bit is the fun bit. It's when you can put your best side forwards and really enjoy flattery and attention and those excited butterflies when you're going to see him. Don't spoil that by rushing too fast into the reality of washing his stinky socks and fighting over the TV remote!

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:29

Also things should be blissful at this stage. Why are you so keen to see what 'real life' would be like? Why the rush?
Please slow down. If this is the real deal then 'real life' will wait.

Original poster

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 22:31

He is 30. Lives alone. I have felt a bit odd about his parents not knowing as he is close to them. He has said that it didn't feel right yet. I do have very good friends who have met him and are keeping a close eye on us. They are very protective so i know things will be ok. He would never hurt me or my boys.
My ex was the kind who did so i know the difference.

OP posts:

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:32

I thought my ex would never hurt me...........

doinmummy · 11/03/2012 22:34

What do your friends say about him moving down ?

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/03/2012 22:37

'He would never hurt me or my boys. My ex was the kind who did so i know the difference.'

So your ex moved out 12 months ago, you casually dated a few guys then met this man 3 months ago. Did you have any counselling or do any kind of work on your self esteem to get over your abusive ex? Patterns often repeat themselves if we don't work on learning how to break them. The fact that you feel a strong pull towards this man is worrying.

rightchoice · 11/03/2012 22:37

It doesn't feel right yet - translates to he is not sure. It is early days for you both and the little ones are so important in all this, if he is not sure, and you are not sure then moving down is probably premature, why not carry on as you are and enjoy the relationship as it is and then when you are all good and ready make plans for your future. It is a lot for a single man to adapt to!! Just enjoy.

AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:37

I am sorry, but after 3 months, you know literally fuck all about him

you should listen to your gut, haven't you learned that in your life ?

if you were completely sure, you wouldn't be posting here

Original poster

seriouslyslummymummy · 11/03/2012 22:38

My friends think he's a bit mad to move down after such a short time but they are supportive. They will keep a very close eye on him. My friends just want me to be happy. They have all noticed how much more me i am again. My ex changed me. Made me scared, a little mouse who never left the house.

I'm more happy and relaxed now. Confident. I feel strong. I wont ever be a little mouse again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:40

look love, let me set you straight here

by them saying he is a bit mad to move so soon, they really mean you

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