Would this bother you? Phone question. . .

[Mrawmraw]

Have namechanged for this. Here goes -

My DH works away at the weekends Fri-Sun, he is mostly home during the week as he does office hours for 2 days then the remainder of hours working away at the weekends. His job has always been this sort of pattern due to the industry he works in.

The (or my) problem is that he doesn't have a mobile phone at the moment. We have been married for 3 years and known each other 6 years (2 DC), and whenever his mobile breaks or he loses charger etc then he does not replace it for months and months at a time.

Once he went without a phone for 5 months O-: (we don't have landline).

I feel that he should be contactable in case something happens when he is away or important message about the DC or even just to talk, but he just keeps on making excuses "I will get a new one soon" and "what do you think people did before mobile phones?" He maintains I can always call his boss/colleagues if it's an emergency and he will get the message very quickly (he is mobile so no fixed landline work phone), but I still feel it's unreasonable for a married man with two children to basically be uncontactable for 3 days every week.

There is no evidence or prior suspicions/form for infidelity at all though.

What do you think?

Oh and he sometimes calls me from a callbox or hotel phone whilst he is away instead but not regularly enough, iyswim?

He never gets around to buying a new phone or charger, even a cheap one for a tenner or something, but he is proactive at getting things done in most other areas of life.

We had a huge argument about it on Wednesday when I just got really sick of asking him when he was going to replace his phone and getting a "soon" answer for nothing to materialize. Has been a couple of months this time.

Don't think it's a massive problem some people myself included) just hate mobile phones. One he leaves you an hotel name etc when he's away and he would get a message from colleagues etc then I think it's ok. Would imagine infidelity would be more of a concern if he was constantly glued to his mobile/ laptop

Are you asking this because you're suspicious about it or are you rather cross because he just doesn't care about mobile phones? I think we can all get a bit carried away thinking that we should be able to contact everyone 24 hours a day. Mind you I'm from an era where there was no such thing.

Or, why don't you get him one? Do you think he'd use it?

'whenver his mobile breaks' - what on earth does he do to them?
'or he loses his charger' - is he given to losing things?

I am wondering what your communication pattern is when he does have a mobile? XH and I used ours most often to text deep and meaningful things like 'can you get milk on way home' or 'won't be in for food.' With friends, we have nice little brief text exchanges of about 2 texts each, just to keep in touch between meet-ups.

Do you always know where he is staying?

I can understand not liking mobile phones; but surely he leaves you contact details, such as a hotel name?

I agree with skippy that it's normally the keen acquisition of a mobile phone that you might worry about.

Thinking about it, wouldn't he have a mobile for work purposes?

What was the upshot of the huge argument op? Did anything get resolved?

I'm assuming not if he still has no mobile. FWIW, I don't care what people used to do in t'olden days, this is now and he has responsibilities and should be contactalble for almost half the week, every week.

I'm really asking because I feel it's disrespectful to have a family at home, 2 kids, and not to be contactable unless in an emergency for 3 days a week. It doesn't seem right to me somehow. I don't have any huge concerns about infidelity, although I do recognise that obviously it happens. It's just that he has given me no real reasons to be suspicious of cheating, not ever, so I'm not going to worry and stress about that unless he does something which makes me suspicious.

He has broken his phone, lost the chargers, or the phone has broken about once every 6-12 months ever since we met. But then again I can't complain about that, all my family and friends complain that I change numbers so much as my screens break, sim cards snap, I lose phones etc!

I have bought him one once 2 years ago.

He says that Mojito - he is 10 years older than me and tells me he is not from that era.

When he does have a mobile, he rarely tops up the credit, however he does usually answer calls from me and I can text him to let him know logistics over DC and both our schedules and DC etc, which is helpful. If he does top up the phone he texts me a couple of times a day, sometimes just to say hi.

Yeah I always know where he is staying, although I wouldn't want to call there unless in an emergency as I don't want to be seen as an interfering wife or nuisance. Although the few times I have called the hotels he has actually been there. He doesn't have a work mobile as far as I know, unless he is hiding it . His boss has a phone and I have the number because he phones his boss from my phone sometimes so I saved it. Occasionally his boss calls my phone to speak to him. His friends too.

In t'olden days - cheeky mare you starting there perfume?

I know what you are saying OP but it's just a "him" thing isn't it. Is he just not a great communicator? Do you feel he sort of separates work from home life? If this has always been his pattern not sure how you will change it to be honest.

Oh I have an idea for you. Why not do a reverse psychology thing and not contact him when he goes away? You never know, then he may get a bit concerned. may get shot down in flames for this but men tend to like things to be "their idea"

I'm assuming not if he still has no mobile. FWIW, I don't care what people used to do in t'olden days, this is now and he has responsibilities and should be contactalble for almost half the week, every week

^ this is basically what I am saying, but he doesn't agree. He is very very set in his his ways, will never change anything unless I can manage to get through to him about how much something bothers me and hurts me. I can be quite passive-aggressive (I think) and don't bring things up in a good way I don't think - I tend to just snap and make sarky comments . Then he feels attacked and gets defensive and uncommunicative. It's the way all our disagreements end up usually. Things only get resolved ages after it has been driving either or both of us mad for ages.

No he still has no mobile, but managed to go supermarket shop yesterday when off and get lots of food and also beer for his night off. He has a car, there are literally about 50 shops selling phones within ten miles or so of where we live. I think to myself - priorities????

The upshot of the argument was me getting stressed following him around the house when he was trying to varnish avoid me trying to get him to see y point of view and sniping, and him (childishly) saying that if I don't stop hounding him about it he won't get a phone at all . Then a little while later on saying he will get one this weekend at some point. Although he has said that for weeks and has "never got round to it".

When he was leaving tonight for work at 5 he said he will phone me tomorrow from payphone when he wakes after his nightshift, after I gave him a "look" when he was saying goodbye to DCs.

It's a typical male/femail communicaton problem then OP huh (just like I have with mine)

In fact, I've just bought a book by Andrew marshall called "Help your partner say yes"

FFS mobile phones are not compulsory. He DOESN'T LIKE mobile phones. Leave the poor man alone. It';s not 'impossible' for you to contact him, it's just more difficult for you to ring up whining and wittering whenever you feel like it.

Honestly, let it go. You're not his mother, nor his parole officer, and you are sounding very controlling.

mojito I was just reminded of ds asking me if TVs existed when I was young in the olden days!

See, this thing about being set in your ways, it's just the way he is, well tough shit, times change. He used to be that guy, but now he has a wife and kids. You had to change, you have to be contactable at all times, pretty much, for your children, for his children, so he should be too. Or is it not a partnership really?

What happens if you fall ill, and he is away? Would others know how to contact him? I think I would do as mojoto suggested and just not be there when he calls you. Two can play that game, and it is a game he is playing.

Just out of interest, what would he do if he broke down in the car? If he's not on a motorway, there are fewer and fewer phone boxes. Just wondering......

Recently I've actually been seeing our relationship in a way I hadn't before, and realising certain things. And I think my annoyance about this is a symptom of this maybe.

Although he is ten years older than me and we met when i was comparatively young, I've always been the "strong" one, I also sort all finances and he just asks me how much to put in what account (neither of us have a big income) - so any money worries have to be worked out by me. This has always made me feel a bit too old for my time, iyswim? And if we argue he acts like he is a child and I'm his angry mother, I feel cast in that role. He doesn't usually do anything he doesn't want to, and he hates feeling he is being told what to do. This attitude of his annoys me because he is not some wayward teenager - he is a grown man!

Maybe that sounds worse than it actually is - on balance he is loyal to me, relatively good with DCs especially since they got past the baby stage, mostly reliable, has always found me attractive and never once commented badly on how I look (even when I know I look like shit he says I look lovely/sexy etc!) and we have a good laugh, does housework without being asked, does childcare when not working (although it does tend to be a split on our days off - me with DD and him away somewhere with DS). We go out together sometimes but he is not very adventurous and is quite critical of new things, which stifles me a bit.

Maybe I feel this way about the phone thing because I was NOT a confident mother with DC1. I had horrendous PND, during which DH was quite supportive of me, waited months and months without sexual contact and through mood swings without putting any pressure on me but seemed puzzled and frustrated. I hated being left alone with the baby then, I just panicked. With DC2 (now 2.5) I did not get PND and had a much better idea of what to do but I did have some difficult life circumstances at the time. It is still a little daunting for me taking both DCs out at weekends myself, especially long distances, with no car, even though now I have made more friends since I went back to work 18 months ago and now I have a semblance of a social life!

If I didn't contact him he would probably eventually contact me after the 3 days were up!

Have to agree with SGB on this one due to being a bit of a control freak myself

OP, he sound like one of the good guys from where I'm sitting, no-ones perfect are they. We're all different. Don't contact him so much and let him do the contacting, you watch. It will get better. Seems like you've had a rough time but are coming through it too.

oh and no is really a "confident mother" they don't come with instruction manuals do they.

"no one" of course in case the pendants are out (due to it being a full moon)

He keeps complaining about the lack of working payphones, but won't just buy a cheap phone!

You are right, Perfumed, I have to be contactable at all times for the children, when his sister babysits, for the school and the nursery etc, so why shouldn't he be? He will take DC1 to school and drop and run but really doesn't like taking DC2 to nursery, even if it is necessary, because the parents there have tea and are sociable and it's not his thing he says! He usually gets one of his parents to do the nursery run for him and he will only go if no other option and I remind him about 3 times the night before.

If I fell ill (I did once with severe bacterial tonsillitus) when he was away I guess I'd have to get in touch with his boss to pass on the message.

I don't think I'm particularly controlling SGB, I was previously in a very abusive relationship as a teenager and I think it 'hardened' me and made me strive for complete equality. With me being responsible for being contactable for the children and all the arranging of finances, and leisure time. I don't try to stop him doing anything, going out etc, as long as it's equal and he does his share of childcare too. He can be quite controlling with regards to the DC, but not me at all, he will say things like "DC are not doing that, not going there" etc without consulting me and I will have to battle to get him to agree to them eating junk food once in a blue moon, or seeing one of my friends whom he thinks has 'ulterior motives' because she is religious.

It looks to me that it's easy to be a good guy when you're only doing the whole married man/family man thing half the week. Which he is really.

I'm beginning to learn that all these "battles" OP aren't good. Are you taking your past out on him a bit? He has positive strengths and weaknesses the same as you do.