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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this bother you? Phone question. . .

67 replies

Mrawmraw · 09/03/2012 23:38

Have namechanged for this. Here goes -

My DH works away at the weekends Fri-Sun, he is mostly home during the week as he does office hours for 2 days then the remainder of hours working away at the weekends. His job has always been this sort of pattern due to the industry he works in.

The (or my) problem is that he doesn't have a mobile phone at the moment. We have been married for 3 years and known each other 6 years (2 DC), and whenever his mobile breaks or he loses charger etc then he does not replace it for months and months at a time.

Once he went without a phone for 5 months O-: (we don't have landline).

I feel that he should be contactable in case something happens when he is away or important message about the DC or even just to talk, but he just keeps on making excuses "I will get a new one soon" and "what do you think people did before mobile phones?" He maintains I can always call his boss/colleagues if it's an emergency and he will get the message very quickly (he is mobile so no fixed landline work phone), but I still feel it's unreasonable for a married man with two children to basically be uncontactable for 3 days every week.

There is no evidence or prior suspicions/form for infidelity at all though.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:11

He thinks she will brainwash the DC with religion and moans like hell if I meet up with her with the DCs or invite her round. He doesn't like my sister either, but that could be because she commented to her friend that she thought he looked like a 'serial killer' the first time DH and her met , and she said once I didn't have "real children" because I had c-sections despite having no children herself!

No-one else I know he acts controlling with though or tries to stop DC seeing though, so don't know if it's just a blip of these two people.

OP posts:

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:12

He's away working perfumed. Does he "have" to be constantly on the phone 24/7?

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:14

Doesn't seem like these two people have been very nice to him though does it? Blimey OP there's a lot of resentment there on your part. You are nit picking a bit.

perfumedlife · 10/03/2012 01:15

Not 'on the phone' no, but contactable would be nice. Of course, it would be better if the man wanted to actually keep in touch with the wife and children he loves, of his own volition...

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:16

Yes I do think I take my past out on him somewhat, but I don't think he is is perfect either. I think he is slightly manipulative and controlling and selfish in his own way (but then again aren't we all! as humans). We do rub along together well most of the time, but sometimes I think I have done a lot of growing up since we met and he hasn't. He has always been happy to let me be myself and give me space etc, which I'm thankful for as I think I'd have become too claustrophobic without it. For perspective, we met when I was 19 and he 28. Now I'm 26 and he 35.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 10/03/2012 01:18

What's the religious friend done to be not nice to him, apart from be religious?

LowFlyingBirds · 10/03/2012 01:18

I think i would feel a bit fucked off about this too actually.

I am a pretty pragmatic sort, not especially fluffy or sentimental but i am struggling to imagine the level of disconnection and seperateness i would need to feel in order to spend half my week, every week, without my dc and no contact
Not judging him being away at all, but definitely confused at him being able to do it without a backward glance.
No texts to ask how the kids are? Or how you are? No quick calls to say goodnight? No urge to chat about his day, or yours?

I get not everyone likes mobiles, but this isnt really about that. He seems to actively prefer switching off his family for half the week. And he could be bloody fantastic when actually physically present but i'd struggle to not feel a bit pissed off at his coldness when away. In fact pissed off isnt quite right, id feel sad about it and probably be concerned at his view of the family that he is able to detach so easily and enjoy doing so.

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:19

You were very young op when you met him. What you wanted then is not what you want now huh. Have you sort of grown out of him?

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:26

You're a fiesty one aren't you perfume. Pack it up huh. Why are you pulling one thing out of a whole bunch of stuff. Maybe concentration more on the OP would be a better option than trying to have a bun fight with me?

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:27

Sorry don't mean to be nitpicking , just trying to work things out in my own head I suppose.

That's what he says - "I'm working, I'm not a receptionist" ....

He thinks that showing his love is about doing things around the house, making future plans for us (although not much wherewithal to follow them through but at least he keeps a job), having sex and sometimes hugs etc, making me dinners.

I think it would be nice if he listened to me once in a while (when I try to talk to him about an important problem he starts doing jobs around the house or watching tv deliberately and won't look me in the eye or respond much without prompting - argh! but does seem to listen and sometimes take it in). And if he was more sociable, and contacted me or said he missed me.

A while ago I asked him what he though was good about us, rather than just the bad stuff we fight about, and he looked very embarrassed and said he doesn't like talking about "that sort of thing"

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 10/03/2012 01:28

So he lays down the law about who the kids can see or where they can go, when he is 'on' and present. What about when he is away and not contactable? Do you ring his hotel, his boss to check with him if religious friend wants to pop round? Or does his 'word' only apply when he wants to be daddy half the week?

I don't know how you stand it. It's do as I say, when I'm here and out of sight out of mind when I'm not. Lovely way to conduct family life.

perfumedlife · 10/03/2012 01:31

Who the hell do you think you are mojito? I couldn't give a flying about starting a bun fight with you or anyone. I am indeed concentrating on the op. I just didn't see the two people being unkind to him like you did. Odd that you took it so personally...

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:31

OP, you chose him and he's what I would call a "Blokey bloke". He doesn't operate like you. Mostly they don't.

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:33

He does what is written on the tin. A lot of men don't do emotions very well and trying to "make" him won't change it. You either compromise or you battle forever. I'm sure you could sit down and reason with his logic?

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:35

This is exactly how I feel. I'm not the sort of person who cares about flowers or big gifts, lots of physical affection like those "all over each other" couples (makes me feel slightly sick tbh! ), but I do feel it is disrespectful not to want to be contacted by his family for 2-3 days a week. Although sometimes he does call from a payphone or text from his workmate's phone to see how we are, but not every weekend.

Sometimes I think he does things like this just to 'rebel' or in some attempt to show people "I won't do what others tell me" - I think he is at heart a friendly person, but he is obsessed with not being told what to do (by a person, society etc, his mother - he had a very very controlling overbearing mother growing up). Luckily, he usually does the right things of his own accord, but the more I ask/nag him the more he seems to act like "I'm not doing it, na-na-na-na-na-na"

Where is the rolls-eyes smiley!

OP posts:

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:37

Perfume... I haven't taken what you said personally but I do recognise someone that wants to have a dig (especially at this time of night on a Friday)

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:40

No one likes to be "told" what to do surely. The more you ask the more he won't. Lay off a bit OP and let him come to you.

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:45

Perfumed, it's like he tries to lay down the law about them seeing those certain people, staying up too late for children etc, but then I take a stand and basically tell him to piss off and he then either backs down and concedes or I do. But it's quite tiring tbh. It is genuinely only those 2 people though he seems to have a problem with, out of perhaps 25 or more I see, so don't know if it's controlling or if he has just taken a dislike. I could see why he doesn't like my sister (sometimes I don't and I'm related!), but my religious friend, I can't see any reason he took a dislike to her, other than her being forthcoming about her religious beliefs (not ramming them down DC throats btw)

His logic is not my logic, that is where the problem lies. He has always been a bit of a 'lone ranger' and stubborn and so have I if I'm honest. But the logistics have changed since we had the children, especially DC2 (we lived with his parents when DC1 was young due to saving for a deposit but had much more busy lives since we git our house and DC2) and now I work 3 days too. So now what worked previously doesn't quite work anymore maybe, but he won't change unless I force it, and then I feel like a nagging banshee!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 01:49

Should have said that the dynamics have changed!

OP posts:

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:54

He won't change unless you force it? I also don't see it as him being over-controlling, you both do it. The locking of antlers ay. I personally think you are just having a bit of rant (as I do). Maybe have a chat when he comes home.

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 01:56

The changing of dynamics take time to even out OP. Sit down and clear the air in an adult way when he comes home

perfumedlife · 10/03/2012 01:59

Mojito, you are wrong.You can take a stroll through all my previous posts on mn, digs are not my style. Just don't like inaccuracies.

OP, people take dislikes to others for no known reason, it's not a big deal of itself, but on top of the phone issue, it seems you are changing and growing away from each other. As though he is so determined to plough his own furrow, his own way, that he forgets he should be including you more. The touchy thing he does about not being told anything, well, that is a character trait he most likely won't outgrow now, without doing some work on himself.

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 02:01

Yes, it does sound like the locking of antlers, a good description I'd say.

I do feel though that his refusal to acknowledge my feelings, or care if I'm upset about something he does/doesn't do is dismissive and worrying. I don't go on at him for everything all the time, honest! I just expect not to be dismissed and ignored.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrawmraw · 10/03/2012 02:03

And yes, "determined to plough his own furrow" and "the touchy thing" as a character trait are so accurate! You people on MN are brilliant!

OP posts:

mojitomania · 10/03/2012 02:06

Going to generalise here OP. Male/female communication is rather fraught sometime with difficulties especially when two very strong people of the opposite gender come together. He is also a bit more "old school" than you isn't he. Men in my day were told never to cry, be solid and practical blah blah and never show emotion. It's changing slowly but surely now thank god!

This is so redemable OP it really is. Can you make arrangements for a night out together on his return and go somewhere neutral to have a chat?

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