Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Left tonight.

125 replies

LonelyNight · 06/03/2012 21:55

I have name changed because he knows my username.
He said he needed space and wanted to go for a couple of days and I told him if he went that would be it. After all, if I want space I can't just go away for a few days can I?

I feel so sad right now and am currently downing what's left of the booze in the house, DS is at his GM's.

OP posts:
hisgentletouch · 06/03/2012 23:31

fading, I'm also pretty sure he loves OP and is a soppy soul. But he needs to grow up a bit by taking SOME steps like looking after himself - healthy (and clean) body will help getting a healthy mind. He's just in some apathy, whether he's actually depressed I wouldn't know.

mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:35
Shock

The OP's partner is acting like a twat he's nearly 30 FFS. I can't believe this advice.

Hold your hand out to him. Ask him to take exercise.

fadinglikeaflower · 06/03/2012 23:37

I think you've hit the nail on the head; not keeping himself clean, down mentally.. Textbook symptoms wouldn't you say? Yeah, he's depressed and I just think it's no use hitting someone that's down already to the extent he (or she) just runs away.

I hope the OP can get over her hurt tomorrow and set about getting some constructive help/advice from a professional. It's all so sad.

hisgentletouch · 06/03/2012 23:40

he's 25, and more importantly he BEHAVES in a very immature way, so the advice is tailored to that. It's his first serious r-ship (it also sounds like he is quite submissive by nature). Some people are late developers.

Original poster
LonelyNight · 06/03/2012 23:45

TSC. I have but I don't think I mentioned the showering, quite embarrased about that tbh. I have spoken to you though about him and his family on other threads. :(

OP posts:
mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:50

Late developers? He made a baby. He needs to man up, mollycoddling will not help him.

mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:55

I can see it all unfolding now.

Poor partner - You are depressed, try to get in the shower or go for a jog.

I'll look after you and the baby. My feelings don't matter at the moment as long as "we" try to get you well Grin

This scenario goes on for a few more years the OP gets more and more frustrated then eventually has to admit she had a baby with another baby Sad

hisgentletouch · 06/03/2012 23:56

that's why OP needs to state her conditions for having him back, being constructive and honest and very grown-up too. And if he's depressed, then must get treatment. Hopefully he grows up soon with this.

Original poster
LonelyNight · 06/03/2012 23:56

fadinglikeaflower He lost his job nearly 2 years ago and spends his life making pokemon games on his laptop. He really isn't depressed, I have tried to help him, be nice to him and patient.

I lost my job through disability and am trying my hardest to work even though I am no where near physically fit while looking after a 6mo mostly on my own.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:56

Now, that is text book Sad

mojitomania · 06/03/2012 23:58

Oh and sooner or later the OP goes on anti D's to counteract her feelings of hurt and anger due to manchild.

fadinglikeaflower · 06/03/2012 23:59

Yes, perhaps he does need to grow up but he can't grow while he's obviously flat out on the floor due in no small measure to the fact that now, in addition to any other personal demons he might have he can't even do what other men do and provide for his family.

So; keep on kicking? That'll help.

hisgentletouch · 07/03/2012 00:02

the point is though he never was different, I take it, so he thinks OP accepts him as he is, and she needs to tell him that he may be loveable but it's time to grow up as well. If he has no idea how - then to suggest these steps, she can't just throw him out without trying a constructive approach even if it means giving him simple advice (that he should know himself but doesn't). If there is no progress within months, then it's a real problem.

mojitomania · 07/03/2012 00:02

OP, women don't usually get to the point of swearing until they've had enough and clearly you have. Make a life for you and your little one without him at the moment. I'm sure you have reached that point now hence the indifference to him. You can always have him back if when he turns into an adult.

Original poster
LonelyNight · 07/03/2012 00:03

I've found jobs for him, he could provide but he wont.

OP posts:
Original poster
LonelyNight · 07/03/2012 00:05

Mojito Thanks for the hug. :)

OP posts:
hisgentletouch · 07/03/2012 00:05

but don't too nice, Op - state clearly what bothers you and list various steps of action for him. Constructive doesn't mean 'quietly tolerating'. Nor being agressive, just firm.

hisgentletouch · 07/03/2012 00:05

*don't be

fadinglikeaflower · 07/03/2012 00:06

LonelyNight, I know it might not sound like it but I am on your side - if sides need to be taken. I do know how wretched you must be feeling right now, been through it myself.

No, of course you don't deserve any of this. I suppose all I'm trying to say is when others jump in urging a good kicking it ain't helping even if that's a natural reaction. It's your perogative to come here shouting, angry and upset, no one elses.

mojitomania · 07/03/2012 00:07

Having a baby should damn well make you different. Your own needs therefore ever after come second. Why is this thread enabling the man?

Original poster
LonelyNight · 07/03/2012 00:09

Fading I wont give him a good kicking. :) I'm just angry just now, normally I go out of my way to help him but I think I am just done. :(

OP posts:
mojitomania · 07/03/2012 00:10

He should be cleaning damn toilets to make ends meet for his baby and you.

hisgentletouch · 07/03/2012 00:12

I did say in the very beginning, just to get rid of him, mojito. But OP then said she did love him and sounded like she wanted to try and resolve it, so the advice is to take so tougher approach but not too agressive and see what happens. If he doesn't respond, well that's the end, but he does sound like he wants to stay, she needs to spell out calmly what she wants and that only then she'll see a future with him.

fadinglikeaflower · 07/03/2012 00:14

"I've found jobs for him, he could provide but he wont."

Why won't he? Is it a lack of confidence, laziness, fear of failure? What? You don't actually know do you? That's what needs to be brought out but I'd really urge you to seek professional help - to help you bring it to the surface. You can't sort it out yourself by attempting to talk to him yourself, you've tried that and naturally, as in all situations like this it didn't work did it?

Chin up.

hisgentletouch · 07/03/2012 00:14

hopefully being on his own will kick him into action, having heard from you OP what you'll accept now. As I said, tolerating doesn't help as makes you resentful. But now you are in stronger position as he can feel what he's lost.