Mother/Daughter/GC relationship.

[DaughterAndSon]

There is lots of background and I don't want to drip feed, but it would take too long and be too boring to read if I detailed all the ways I have problems with my mother.

My most recent problems are wrt to my mother and her tantrums. I can't think of any other way to put it.
I have a DD who is 3 and a half, and yesterday, my mother and I took DD to an appointment at the hospital. DD was tired and bored, and was not in a good mood generally.

There were 2 older people in the waiting room, snoozing whilst waiting for their appointment. After DD and I were called through to the consulting room, DD had a few tests, then left the consulting room to find my mother while the dr chatted to me.
About 2 minutes later, I heard DD screaming at the top of her voice. I rushed to the door with the dr, and as the dr opened the door, my mother, who was holding DD in the air by the back of her jumper, dropped DD onto the floor at mine and the drs feet and shouted 'I can't cope with this!!! before flouncing off.

The dr's mouth fell open and dr said 'Oh!' and I felt very embarrassed and didn't know what to say. I took DD to the reception to make another appointment, and receptionist was busy, so while we waited, DD had a tantrum because she wanted to run away. I took a firm hold of her hand and explained that we were just waiting for the receptionist to make another appointment, and we would be able to go. I feel like I had control of the situation, even though DD was crying, and I was holding her hand.

The next thing I knew, my mother appeared out of nowhere, and was pulling on DD telling me she would take DD.

I felt like everyone was looking at me.

Later of course, it was DD's fault for being so naughty because she wouldn't be quiet and was waking up the snoozing people.

A few other things are that if we are out and DD is misbehaving, my mother will say 'You'd better be good DD or your mummy is going to give you such a hiding in a minute, you're going to get a belting.' I do not use physical punishment on DD, and although mother says she doesn't condone smacking DC, she always beat smacked us, and some things she says make me disbelieve her opinion that smacking isn't a good idea.

Mother will sometimes play at building towers with bricks, or drawing, but if DD knocks the tower down, or scribbles colours in my mother's intricate drawings, mother gets really annoyed, crosses her arms across her chest, pouts, and tells DD 'I am not playing with you anymore DD because you spolit my drawing/tower etc'. Mother is serious btw. She will still refuse to play with DD if DD asks her to play something different 10 minutes later because 10 minutes ago, you scribbled over my drawing so I am not playing with you anymore.

There is so much more, but basically, mother likes to control every situation, and if she isn't in control, then she will use threats, manipulation or whatever gives her control. Failing that, she goes to extremes and throws tantrums. She thinks DD should do exactly as she says because she said so. There is no compromise. I think she expects too much from a 3 yr old.

She flies off the handle and then blames everyone else, it is never her fault. She never admits fault at all.

A few more things;

When DD was a little over a year old, she was very interested in bins. Very annoying for adults but I imagine great fun for a DC of that age.
DD had managed to get hold of something in mother's kitchen bin, so mother roared at how dirty DD was, then got the whole almost full kitchen bin, and tipped it all over the floor telling DD she could have a fantastic time playing in all of the rubbish now. The atmosphere was horrible. I was aghast, and took DD straight home, leaving mother to clean it up.

If another of mother's GC go to her house and turn the tv up and mother doesn't like it, she will turn it up to full volume so it is deafening, then ask the child 'Are you happy now?'

Mother blames me for not being responsible enough (when DD lost her glasses), not organised enough (if I can't remember something and need to find the details) and apparently I am the biggest slob in the family (because I have friends who I see instead of doing hours and hours of housework every day).
No matter what I do or don't do, mother never seems to approve of anything I do.
She has very little respect for me, if any, has humiliated me by shouting at me in public, demeans my authority with the DC by challenging me, has told me that my friends only tolerate me out of politeness, and cannot keep anything to herself that I tell her.

If you have got this far, you may be wondering why I have anything to do with her, and the truth is, of course she is not always like this. It is only when she is annoyed and when DD is behaving, mother seems to enjoy the time she spends with DD. Some days she gets annoyed easier than others. I had a reason to cut her off completely a few years ago, and did. I then hit a crisis, and my sibling told my mother that I needed her. I didn't, but over a year had passed at that point, and I decided to give it another go, only now it has just gone back to the disrespect, back to how every single thing is about my mother, about how I should just listen to her more and I would get it right, back to how she knows every bloody thing. Arggghhhhhhhh!!!

I don't want DD to grow up to be a people pleaser, and I know she will learn from my example, but to stand up to my mother is not easy. I pluck up the courage over maybe days, force the words out which is very very difficult, and then she picks my argument apart at the seams and turns it around so I am the pathetic one, so I am the unreasonable one, that it is so hard on her, that it is silly to fall out over one incident, that I am hurting her with my terrible accusations. She then complains to my sibling about how I have said terrible things to her, and hurt her feelings so much, cries, and my sibling rings me at all hours, turns up and knocks and knocks on my door, shouts through my letterbox and asks me to once again think about what I am doing to mother, who has done so much for me, been there for me when I have needed her etc etc.

A lot of my life seems to revolve around how my mother feels, whether my mother is happy, what can be done to please my mother, yet I can't honestly say I feel she is this concerned about me. I cannot bear to see her this week, because I am still very angry over her behaviour, yet I know she will be upset that I don't go to see her.
If I explain how angry I am, she will turn it all back to how embarrassed she felt, how if I disciplined DD more, it wouldn't have happened, how it is not her fault, and surely unless someone admits responsibility, what's the point? She just wouldn't get it IYSWIM.

How do I handle this? Am I making a fuss over very little?

I have no one else I can talk to IRL.

Don't have much in the way of useful advice I'm afraid but didn't want to leave you unanswered. I have a very different relationship with my mother but I would nip anything in the bud that I didn't like there and then and then act like nothing happened the next time I see her.

EG when DD was crying at reception I would have said something like. She is fine Mum, leave her with me. If she persisted I would have said Please don't try and undermine me I am trying to teach her that she needs to wait patiently while I talk to the lady. Deal with problems at the time and don't discuss them at a later date.

There are times when I bite my tongue with my mum but I told her in no uncertain terms when DS2 was a baby (having had a lot of 'advice' when DS1 was small) that I did not need or want her advice on how to bring up my child and could she please keep her opinion to herself or leave. She has mainly kept to this so conflict does not arise.

Oh and I would grow a thick skin. I feel no embarrassment and so don't get flustered in these sort of situations. It helps because mother will back down faster due to embarrassment yet I can keep argueeing defending myself.

Thank you for your reply rightontime.

I do feel I should say something at the time, and even though I find myself rendered speechless, I accept that once the time has passed, it is as though I am bringing it up all over again the next time I see/speak to her. That never ends well.

Once an incident like this has happened, everything may go smoothly for another few weeks/months, then it happens again and I say nothing again and on it goes.

In my mothers defence, she would say I am argumentative, have a chip on my shoulder, that she walks on eggshells around me, that I am difficult etc, yet I don't honestly think I am any of those things. Maybe I can't see the wood for the trees.

Another thing she does is threatens to put DD in the garden in the dark if she can't behave herself. She began threatening this after I told mother that DD had developed a fear of the dark, and was refusing to go to the toilet on her own. My mother's response was that clearly DD was afraid of missing something because that's the only possible reason why DC don't want to be in the same room as their parents or other adults ever.

I think she is projecting, because my mother can be paranoid and hates to feel she is missing out on anything.

It is almost as if she is stuck as a 6 year old emotionally.

Oh my god, your last comment could have been written by me DAndS. It's almost funny if it weren't so bloody awful being the daughter of a woman who is argumentative, has a chip on her shoulder, is difficult etc. I walk on eggshells around her too.

Projection is my mother's strong point, she says all those things about me too, when really she is all those things, and I suspect your mother is the same.

The only really good advice I have ever had, and can give, is -detach, detach, detach.

Your mother will never be the mother you would like her to be. I believed for years that I was the argumentative, loud, litigious (wtf!) one of the family, derided for being my dad's "favourite" (she was the only one who ever said that, he never played favourites).

I know detaching is hard, easier for me as I live miles away from her now (yippee), but even if she's on your doorstep, try and cut down the contact to say, a few less telephone calls a week, one visit a week instead of two, that sort of thing.

The relief you will feel will lift your spirits.

I have gone into my relationship with my mother deeply. I believe her to be a narcissist with not one shred of empathy in her body. It is all about her.

I would recommend the Stately Homes thread on here too, it has helped me immeasurably in coming to terms with my mother, how she is, and how I need to accept her for what she is as she will never ever change.

It's quite something when you start to realise that it's not you it's them.

x post, I was referring to your last but one post!

Oh dear.

Your mother sounds extremely immature and unpleasant. Personally I would tell her she is very unpleasant to be around (not a conversation, but a statement -- I have no time to waste trying to "reason" with adults who are unable to control their behaviour) and strictly limit time with her, including removing her from my home the moment she crosses any of my boundaries. But that's me. (I have done this with my own mother and it worked btw. my mother has behaved herself for the past 6ish years.)

How your mother and sibling feel is really quite immaterial. What is important is you and your daughter. I understand that you feel guilty etc., but your guilt is really not a reflection of anything. Your mother taught you to be guilty from when you were very small, because she wanted to be able to control you easily.

they both sound utterly dysfunctional actually. If your sibling is shouting through your letterbox, i think you need to first tell them that if they harass you again, you will take legal action, and if they don't listen to that, start sending solicitors' letter and/or call the police, tbh. that is harassment and intimidation.

if your mother is dropping your DD to the ground, throwing massive strops in dr's offices, and threatening your DD with beatings, she needs you to tell her to pack it in. And if she doesn't, she needs psychiatric intervention and/or a police caution, not placating!

If a stranger treated you and your daughter like this, you would have nothing to do with them... or at least as little as you could possibly manage.

Have you ever had counselling re: your mother and how to deal with her? i think it might help you very much. i think you're right in saying you can't see the wood for the trees. and that is because your mother was careful to raise you in a way that ensured that...

I would cut off all contact with your mother and read the Stately home threads etc.
Your Mother is supposed to be an adult, and with behaviour like that I don't see what your daughter is getting from the relationship, even if she isn't like that all the time.

agree with poster that suggested the Stately Homes thread.

My love.

I'm afraid you need to come to the realisation that your mother actually raised you in an abusive manner and that she is actually abusing your DD too.

You can't allow her to do this to your DD. Get yourself onto Stately Homes. You need support of those that understand what is happening to you.

Think about it. If someone you knew treated your DD like this, you would cut them dead.

You need to protect yourself and your DD from your mother. She is not a fit parent/grandparent to be around.

So sorry.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I agree with each and every one of you. I haven't seen the stately home threads, but I shall take a look at them.

As you may have guessed, there is much much more to this, there are other things my mother has done that I haven't gone into here. I didn't want to bore you all, but you all have a good idea of what my mother is like.

My upbringing wasn't what I would want for my DC, that's for sure. I have never felt the right to be happy, almost like I haven't earnt it. If I am happy for any reason, my mother puts a negative slant on whatever I am happy about. If I am unhappy OTOH, my mother always has an answer for whatever problem I may have and asks me 'How is getting angry/sad helping you?'

Whilst I agree with you all, there is that little voice in my head telling me that my mother is trying, she is not all bad, she has done the best she could, she is only human, she has had and continues to have an unhappy life, she just doesn't know how else to be, especially with DC.
I find myself justifying her behaviour for her, even though I know it is wrong on so many levels.

Abusers don't "try" sweetheart. They do as they please and don't give a fuck who they hurt.

Yes, they do it because they don't know any better, BUT that is just the problem. They don't know any better. And you cannot teach them any better. They are not interested in learning any better. That's just the way that it goes.

You think she is "trying" because you are a nice person, the kind of person who tries. She is not the kind of person who tries, I'm sorry.

She might feel pain if you don't bend to her will anymore, yes, that is true. But avoiding upsetting her is not a good enough reason to expose your DD to abuse. Your mother's feelings are NOT the important thing in this situation. Your DD has her whole life ahead of her, and she needs a secure emotional start.

Stately Homes will help you. i sound blunt in my post above ^ but i actually do have tremendous compassion for you.

i also come from a shitty background. the only way to break the cycle is by being really, really brave and doing things that sometimes feel very difficult. but it is worth it. promise x

D&S,

Would certainly recommend you read the Stately Homes thread on these pages.
There are links on there at the beginning that could well help you.

I would also read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers; your mother could well be a narcissist in terms of personality. She at the very least likely has some form of personality disorder; normal emotionally functioning people, do not act like this period. Its all about her you see and I note you think she got stuck at 6 emotionally (again those are narcissistic behaviours). However, six year olds grow up; your mother never has.

It is NOT your fault she is like this; her own birth family did that to her. Do you have any idea of what her own childhood was like?. I would put money on it that it was abusive.

Please do not allow your DD to be abused as you have been; abuse in dysfunctional families often seeps down the generations. One generation i.e your good self has been profoundly affected and you certainly have FOG in relation to your mother - fear, obligation, guilt. Many adults who were children of such toxic parents have this as well.

If your sibling as well continues to harrass you as a family I would cut contact with this person as well as your mother. Inform the police too if this keeps happening. Infact I would seriously consider cutting all contact as of now; you do not need such people in your life who will surely as night follows day drag you down with them. You are the scapegoat for their inherent ills; people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Unfortunately as you have too clearly seen, dysfunctional unhappy people like your mother and sibling have no concept of boundaries or even what constitutes "normal" familial relations. Also like all toxic parents, I see that your mother is not apologising (she won't ever do that) nor take any responsibility for her actions (again she will never take any responsibility for her actions).

Counselling re your relationship with your mother would be a good idea; BACP are good and do not cost the earth. Remember though that counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Your mother sounds a right mental case, can you just stay away from her and keep your poor DD away from her

Well, your DD is 3 and therefore she is being a 3 year old in her behaviour - inquisitive, chatty, sometimes nosiy no doubt, gets bored easily. She sounds like she only gets up to what the average 3 year old does. Your mother is an adult and although she should know better seems to be behaving like a small child too with her tantrums and outbursts.

No doubt you set boundaries for your DD so she will grow up to be a good person. I think you need to start setting boundaries for your mum too, grow a thick skin and smile serenely. If that is too hard to do, just cut down on the contact with her and limit the situations in which you see her. She is not setting your DD a good example.

Thank you for all of your well thought out replies. I have posted on the stately homes thread. I am not very good at getting what I want to say across without waffling on, but I am so very grateful for all of the support you have shown me on here.

I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me, to know that there are people out there who care without a hidden agenda, who are listening and supporting me, because no words will suffice.

I appreciate it very very much.

I am a coward and a weak person. I vowed never to be either, yet here I am, full of cowardice and weakness. I cannot even stand up to my mother and define the boundaries for the sake of my DC.
I can cut down the amount of time I see her. I can cut down the amount of time I spend speaking to her and I can withdraw from her by way of not telling her as much.
However, she is a lonely ill woman, and I feel very anxious at the thought of cutting her off completely because I know just how badly she will take it.
I do love her. I don't like her very much, and I know this makes me a crap mother to my own DC. The guilt I would feel at cutting her off is so strong, I just don't know if I can do that right away...this week.

I feel like a terrible mother, because I know DD deserves so much better.

please don't talk like that about yourself OP!

your mother raised you very carefully to ensure that you would think little of yourself, blame yourself, and feel bound up with her/beholden to her/guilty as sin. that is not your fault. it is her fault, and anyway, all that stuff is a lie designed to keep you under her control.

give yourself time to sort the lies from the truth. once you do, things will start to change without you even needing to do anything.

for now, do what you can for your DD, and start working quietly and doggedly towards doing more each day. in time, you'll find strength. you'll talk here, you'll gain more insight, you'll get braver.

just fgs don't berate yourself! you're becoming aware of something v painful. you're on a journey, you won't get there all in one day.

you are going to be ok. bravery comes from love and faith in yourself, and from leaning on stronger people, not from fear, or trying to force yourself to do something you aren't yet able to do. x

Cut contact. Shes emotionally abusing your DD.

My love, I second what oikopolis says, you are not weak, nor are you a coward. You are not to be blamed in this.

I'd also doubt that your mother is sick. She is lonely for a damned good reason! HER problem. If she is lacking that much in her life, she could have been nicer then couldn't she.

Don't feel sympathetic for her, she isn't sympathetic for you! 'How is getting angry/sad helping you?' That says all that's required. Under what circumstances could you possibly imagine saying that to your DC, and how would you have to feel toward them to say such a cold hearted thing?

The guilt you are feeling in contemplating making the decision to protect yourself and your daughter has been carefully laid there to trap you and bind you to the most malevolent aspect of your life. She abused you and is abusing your daughter. When will you start to feel the guilt about allowing her to do that to you and to your child? You and your DC are the only ones you need to feel guilt for, not this mean and heartless abuser.

You won't get there in one day, but you do have to get there. Practice saying NO to your mother to yourself in your mirror. Keep things short and sweet and repeat as often as you need to. Hang up the phone if you must and if your sibling comes around and hammers on your door again, call the police. seriously! don't answer the door to that kind of harassment.

You do have to be firm, but this is firm for good. The guilt of allowing this situation to damage your own DC will be worse than anything you have experienced with your mother. please put your DC and yourself on top of your agenda. Focus and fix on your goal.

You can do this.

Don't blame yourself. In fact you are great, despite being indoctrinated from a very young age, by the person you depended on most; you know that things aren't healthy. You have even broken away once. You are bringing up your daughter very very differently from the way your mother raised you. You are a star!

I am sure you will be able to protect your daughter from her, it may just take time.

Actually I had lunch with an old friend of mine today, who comes from a very toxic background. It took her at least 3 times before she finally broke away from her mother. She was in town with her son, who is about to go to University, and is a very normal young man. One day that will be you.

Your mother makes a choice in her behaviour, and you can choose how you react to it. If we let them get away with it, then it simply keeps the pattern set for them to keep going. (And I like to keep the peace too, as I was carefully trained to by my enabling father. I know its not easy .....) If they are not motivated to change, then there is nothing we can do. And as a therapist told me you can only forgive someone and move on if they are sorry for their behaviour.

From my own point of view, my DD (5) can clearly remember GM's strops from aged (2/3). My mother spent my whole life saying I ruined it - I am therefore now quite free to get out of her precious life :-). She is now the one on eggshells as she doesn't see me very much - CONSEQUENCES - and I have spelled it out to both of them - DD will be around alot longer than them, she is the child, she is the priority, and she needs a happy mother more than she needs to see them. Its as scary as hell spelling it out - but the relief you will feel is enormous.

Also you may find that if your DM treats you with disrespect your DD may well join the party ....... that is what prompted me to really take action. I would love to cut them off completely, but not practical in my case, but at least this way they impact less on my life.

Thank you for your much needed support.

This part is long, apologies in advance. I have split it into 2 parts to hopefully make it easier to read.

I can't quite believe how much my mother has hurt me and still continues to undermine me, patronise me and criticise me tbh. It's almost as if she doesn't realise what she is doing or how horrible it is for me.

My relationship with DS has been damaged so much by my mother, although she wouldn't see it that way of course.
Everything is under the illusion that she is trying to help me.

DS grew up seeing me being undermined by my mother. If I asked him to tidy his school bag/shoes away while my mother was there, she would say 'You can't ask him to tidy up when you set such a poor example yourself, you need to set a good example before you start asking him to tidy.'
(I do tidy and spend many waking hours tidying, was even a bit OCD about tidying with DS, but it is never enough. If I clean the house, I should do the garden next, if I clean the house and do the garden, I should be sorting out my shed, if I do that too, I should be decluttering. You get the picture. If mother walks in and there is some washing up in the kitchen, she will sigh loudly and say 'Oh dear oh dear oh dear, having a bad day are we?)

She doted on DS, much much more than her other GC. He was the golden boy. She had him over at weekends to give me a break apparently and he enjoyed going over.
When DS was a young teen, I began a relationship, my first serious relationship in years. From when I began seeing my partner, my mother phoned my partner and told him she was going to do whatever it took to split us up. (Mother doesn't know I heard the whole conversation on speaker phone)
From this point onwards, DS would stay at hers at the weekend, and come home with such a bad attitude. He'd yell at my partner You don't have a say in my house, you're not my father, you can't ask me to do anything at all.

Mother would come to my house and blatantly ignore my partner, told me he was using me, was only nice to me because he was sucking up to me for something, and admitted that whatever my partner did, it would never be good enough. She apparently hated him and would never like him.

Partner moved in after we had been seeing each other a while, and immediately my mother said she never wanted me to refer to him in her presence again, in any way shape or form. She told me I was making a big mistake.
Since I couldn't mention partner in any way, shape or form, this led to me arriving home later than expected, being late picking partner up from places we'd arranged to meet, and one christmas, I even left partner at home alone while I went for christmas dinner with my mother and sibling.
You might be wondering how this happened. Well, mother/sibling would say 'Hey D&S, why don't you come over for a cup of tea this afternoon/christmas dinner/come shopping with us?' I'd go, knowing it was 3/4 hours until I had arranged to meet partner, so I had plenty of time. Time would tick on, and I'd say I had to go. 'Why are you going? I was just about to put the kettle on/have a look in this shop/cook us some dinner etc etc.'
If I mentioned I was meeting partner, I'd be told firmly that I was not to mention him, that if I was prepared to put him in front of family then he really had brainwashed me, it would go on and on, and then they would still say it wasn't a good enough reason to leave, and they'd never forgive me if I put partner ahead of them.
I learnt this was how it would go so quickly learnt to say 'No problem, nothing to rush off for'

Apparently they gave my partner a chance, but didn't like him. They also screamed at him in the street.

When DS was 16, he had listened to years of poison from my mother about how rubbish my partner was, how he didn't have to listen to a word partner said, and at the same time, while I had spent much of DS's childhood doing his tidying for him and not asking him to help, with the help of my partner, I realised DS was sadly lacking in skills like cooking, cleaning etc. After I had been living with my partner for 2 years, I began asking DS to carry out some simple tasks (take his own dirty cups into kitchen, sweep the kitchen floor, bring the washing in off the washing line) while partner and I were working early evenings.

Partner and I would arrive home to find a handwritten note in my mothers writing to say 'Mum, I have done as you have asked. I have also gone to my grandma's for a few days to give us both a chance to calm down.'
The tasks DS had done were done to an excellent standard, far better than I expected DS to be able to do. I would have been happy if DS had made an effort. I was not looking for perfection, but it became obvious my mother had done it for him.

Mum denied stepping into the house, but admitted she had picked up DS, because he was distraught over what my partner had asked him to do. She was trying to help by giving us a break. In fact it was me who had asked DS to do whatever I'd asked him to do, not my partner. My partner was walking on eggshells around DS. I tried to explain this to my mother, but oh no, partner had me brainwashed into protecting him.

DS disappeared more and more often and of course while he was at mother's, she waited on him hand and foot, so all of my efforts to teach DS some life skills were going to waste as soon as she turned up to take him to hers for a few days again.

I did ask my mother, nicely at first, to leave him be, that he was merely running away from discipline in my home, but mother wouldn't have it. DS was so upset, he was distraught and needed a break, as did I apparently.
I did get firm with my mother and asked her not to pick DS up again. Her reply 'I will not stand by when DS needs me. If he asks me to pick him up, I will.'

DS always disappeared when I was out, working, shopping, round a friends. I'd come back to find him gone, sometimes there was a note, other times there was nothing. I knew where he was.
I realised my mother wasn't going to put a stop to it, so I told DS that if he disappeared without asking me, to his grandma's again, he might as well stay there. I was tired of coming home to find he'd done a bunk without discussing it. I felt that mother was enjoying the tug of war IYSWIM, knowing that we both wanted him, I imagine she felt almost victorious when he had phoned her again for the umpteenth time. Does that make sense at all?

One evening, my partner and I went for a drink at the local. We came home earlier than expected. I found DS packing his belongings. He was going to go without telling me. I told him if he went, not to come running back in a few days when he was fed up at grandma's. I told him that running back and forth was not doing anyone any good, so asked him to choose where he wanted to be for the foreseeable.
He chose to be pampered at my mothers.
She arrived to pick him up, came in, said it was nothing to do with her, screamed abuse at my partner, accused me of things I hadn't done, and when I asked DS to clarify whether I had done these things or not, mother ushered him out of the door, so DS didn't have the chance to answer. I asked DS to think very carefully about what he was doing, but whilst I was asking him to think, mother had her arm round his shoulders, and was steering him to the car, talking over me at the same time.
DS went. I tried to talk to him at college, but mother was waiting outside even after I asked her not to pick him up. I did get to speak to him, but he decided to stick to his decision to stay with grandma.

Mother spoke to me on the phone and told me she only intended for DS to stay for a few days, while we both calmed down. I told her 'No, No more toing and froing. He can stay with you now.' I didn't think the reality would suit mother, and I was taking the tug of war away imho.
Within days, mother claimed DS's CTC, CB, knowing partner and I were on a very low income and she apparently was only letting him stay for a few days.
Partner and I struggled so much in those first 2 months that we thought we were going to lose our home. We saw DS very little in those first few weeks, but when we did see him, he asked me for more and more things from the house, even his childhood photographs. It was like he wanted to wipe the house of any memories of him. He also asked me for some money I owed him. I told him I didn't have it, that I had used it to pay the rent and couldn't afford it at that time, but would get it to him asap. He said 'Grandma says it's not my problem if you can't afford your rent.'

She has since denied saying this and has blamed everything on DS. She apparently never intended to have him for more than a few days. It was only to help me. It was DS's decision. She didn't know we were struggling for money. She was trying to help.

I fell out with my mother and my sibling for more than a year over this.

I still haven't forgiven them for what they did (sibling making reports to SS when partner first moved in, to have DS taken away from me, because sibling and mother believed DS would be placed with mother where clearly he was better off, and when that didn't work, drip feeding poisonous rubbish into DS's head, even telling DS there was no room in my house for him anymore now I had partner and was having a baby, telling DS that families couldn't realistically be blended, sibling even sent me an email saying mother was doing me a favour and was giving me an opportunity to start afresh with new baby and partner .

I cannot seem to move past this in my head, yet the feeling from mother and sibling seems to be one of confusion, ie: Why am I bringing that up again? That is in the past. It was DS's decision. Why can't you leave it now. It has been and gone. Years have past.

This happened 4 years ago.

Can I also add that my DS said the saddest thing ever to me about a year ago.

He said to me 'I feel as though I no longer belong anywhere. I have nowhere I feel I can call home.'

Although I have reassured him that he will always have a home with me, that I love him, and that I respect his decision to live wherever he chooses, but there will always be a home with me for him, he says that is just the way he feels, that he belongs nowhere.