This is a deal breaker isn't it

[NotPuttingUpWithItAnyMore]

DP called me a blood sucker this morning. In front of dds (too young to understand but anyway). He is having a v stressful time at the moment and suffers from insomnia, tinnitus and depression I reckon, but that's no excuse is it.

He has a history of name calling, has called me a bastard, a lowlife rat, a bitch... All in front of the girls.

It's over isn't it. If only he wasn't like this.

name calling is definitely a red flag! and needs to stop immediately. and it is horrible even more in front of the kids. you cannot tolerate that. have you tried explaining this? i assume you have..

i don't know enough about your life to know if the whole relationship is doomed though...

but i saw your post and needed to comment: my husband has insomnia, tinnitus and possibly depression too.

not sure if this makes any sense.

how long has this been going on?

yes

Why are you making excuses for him? You say he is stressed at the moment but also that he has a history of name calling.
It is despicable behaviour, and a shocking example to be setting you girls, you cannot allow them to see mummy being treated like this.
I hope you have some family/friends to support you while you rebuild a good life for you and your girls.

Succint as ever AF....

..What does he say to you when you call him on it? I assume you call him on it.

It doesn't sound good my darling

So, probably what AF said.

Like 2or3 without knowing about the rest of your relationship I don't know whether it suggests the end of a relationship, but it is certainly a red flag and if he is not seeking help to stop this behaviour then yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

I think being called a bitch is worse, that would be the deal breaker for me.

Saying that, tinnitus is fucking horrible, and he probably is miserable from it. No excuse for treating you like that in front of your daughters, but urg. That does suck for him.

Tinnitus is no excuse to verbally abuse the mother of your children in front of them. If he did that a bloke in the street, his ears would certainly be ringing from the punch in the face he would receive.

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

He's always stressed. 2or3 does your dh have back problems too? I'm not prepared to put up with it any more in the hope that he'll stop this verbal abuse.

Name calling has been going on for years, he'll insult me like that once every few months or so. Then apologises, says he hasn't slept, feels shite and isn't in control. So then I say it can't happen again, but it always does which I knew anyway.

Oh yes I've explained to him, a good dad doesn't use those words in front of dc, shouldn't treat their dp like that, but he says he isn't in control of it. Funny I don't see him calling anyone else a blood sucker. I read a book on verbal abuse and used the techniques in it which helped a lot. But just not prepared to put up with it now.

I've told him he has to leave. He said if I didn't let him see dds he'd kill me. I said I would call the police and that he has to leave. He said he's not going and is asleep on the sofa. I'm going to my mum's because I have an urgent work to finish.

You actually made me laugh with the tinnitus thing ladies, thanks

Fuck him and his fucking tinnitus, I've run out of sympathy.

He's not only verbally abusive then, he is threatening you.

Report his threats to the police. Please do that, so they have a record of your address. If he threatens you physically, call them and they will repond faster.

my BIL has suffered from tinnitus for years. It didn't make him morph into a nasty fuck.

I'm torn honestly. When my DP and I went through a really rough patch we said some truly horrible things to each other. It had a bigger impact on our relationship than the fights that made us mad enough to say them in the first place (we didn't ever say these things in front of DD though) But if we had broken up over it we wouldn't have the fantastic relationship we have at the moment. So it's hard to tell you what's best here.
He should Never ever show this side of his nature in front of the kids. it's teaching them how to treat you and how to be treated.
Everyone has their limits, if this is yours then it's a deal breaker.

Um threats to kill?? Huge red flag. Be careful...has he ever hit you? Pushed you, shoved, raised his fist etc?

the name calling is in his nature, it's been going on for years

this isn't a "bad patch"

this inadequate man feels entitled to take his nasty moods out on his wife

quite pathetic really...who could have any respect for a man like that ?

Yes, you mention a bad back-I've got a bad back, so much so my legs regularly give way with the pain, I don't abuse my OH as a result. Totally unacceptable.

The threat to kill you is chilling. In the heat of all our most blazing rows, neither me nor my DP have ever said this sort of thing. I'd report it, I really would.

He's threatened to kill you, so yes, it's definitely over.

He used to do intimidation like sort of standing over me and giving me the most horrible angry stares ever and banging things and throwing tea towels (ffs). Only occasionally but still. He stopped that a long time ago. He pushed me once, not very hard but still. I threatened to call police, he stopped all that, a few years ago.

But I've just remembered he raised his hand to me while driving the car a month or so back. With the girls sleeping in the back. I had just shouted fuck off at him . I've only ever done that a couple of times but I know it's no excuse, and he was on and on and on at me.

Why the fuck have I stayed with him??

This is all in his nature AF, I agree. I'm not worried about him killing me, he seemed pretty calm when I left and was being nice and trying to pretend nothing had happened.

Oh well at least staying with him until now has meant I have the two most gorgeous girls ever. Trying to be positive.

Why do I sort of forget it happened every time? Or pretend it didn't

There always positives to be found. It doesn't mean you have to hang on to a relationship that is no longer healthy, though.

it's what people do to rationalise their situation, love

he will be nice for a while, so you bury your head again

until the next time

classic nice/nasty...

look up "co-dependency", you are likely to see yourself there

In a healthy relationship you don?t take your bad moods out on someone else. For some reason he thinks it?s OK to do so.

What if he does something stupid and kills himself though? I'm pretty sure he's depressed and he's a flight away from family and friends. He doesn't speak the language here well yet either. There's no way he'll ever ever get help though.

I can't stay with him out of pity though. And it never seems to be the right time to leave him.

What does your mum say about the situation? Where would he go if you threw him out?