This is a deal breaker isn't it

[NotPuttingUpWithItAnyMore]

DP called me a blood sucker this morning. In front of dds (too young to understand but anyway). He is having a v stressful time at the moment and suffers from insomnia, tinnitus and depression I reckon, but that's no excuse is it.

He has a history of name calling, has called me a bastard, a lowlife rat, a bitch... All in front of the girls.

It's over isn't it. If only he wasn't like this.

She doesn't know, she's at work. I don't know where he'd go. I've been looking at houses for rent near here. Aren't I considerate, ha ha!

I know it sounds very harsh but if he does kill himself, that's his own choice and you are not responsible.

He won't kill himself. He wouldn't be that considerate. These losers never make it easy for others....they hang around like a bad smell whining and getting you to feel sorry for them.

Do make sure his life insurance is up to date though, and that he is aware you did that.

It might be the right time for you to go, it will never be a convenient time for him to be left...!!!!

If he does something stupid that is his action not yours...have you ever threatened to kill yourself because he was "being nasty to you"...no thought not....it's part of the behaviour you are considering leaving him for!

Oh shit I keep feeling like if he apologised I'd end up forgiving him. Hoping it wouldn't happen again. AGAIN. I'll feel so guilty if I manage to get him out. I know I shouldn't. Who wants to be called a blood sucker over breakfast?

All I was doing was helping the girls with their cereal. He came down and said he hated it here, he'd given everything up to be with us and now had nothing, career all down the pan. He said he maybe he should leave. So I said he had to stop threatening us with leaving, that we were his family and we had to stick together. He said he'd had enough of bloodsuckers sucking the life out of him and leaving him with nothing. I said was he calling us bloodsuckers? He said the girls no, you yes. When he saw my upset face trying not to cry he said to himself why am I always like this in the mornings?

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble.

Oh and I said he should get out more and not stay in the house all day every day and MAKE things happen for himself. I think that's what pissed him off. No excuse though, is it?

anyfucker you are right, I think the OP is going to find it very difficult to get her dp leave. I'd imagine the easiest option is to try and leave with the kids yourself.

I keep feeling like if he apologised I'd end up forgiving him. we are conditioned to keep trying to make it work and to believe that deep down there is a nice person trying to get out. If it helps, I stopped feeling like this once my H had left...free of the manipulation I could see all of his behaviour for what it was (and btw I noticed a lot worse and a lot more bad behaviour and red flags once he had gone than i noticed when together...must be a survival thing!!!!).

You've described not just one deal-breaker, but a whole slew of them:

• name-calling
• physical intimidation
• threats to kill (!!!!)
• sweeping his behaviour, and your stated displeasure about it, under the carpet, where it can be conveniently ignored until the next time he wants to behave like that.
• blaming you for his own choices

I like your username, by the way.

No life insurance AF. He doesn't believe in such things. Our business folded and we are now on benefits. He was like this when they business was going well too though, so no excuse!

Oh well, worth a try...

thanks HotDAMNlifeisgood

But I know he doesn't mean any of it really. So why does he SAY it? I just don't understand. He doesn't treat any one else like this. But from what I have learned he has always had anger problems.

He threatened to kill you and/or himself and you are worried he will try to kill himself?

Do encourage him to leave. Not that he will despite the threats.

If you think he is depressed, make sure he seeks treatment.
Treat it like a contagious disease. Put him in isolation until he gets better.

He is harming you and your family.

You're conditioned to "forget and forgive" by years of this repeating pattern.

Put it this way-do you want things to be the same in 5 years, 10 years? Because they will be, unless you set about breaking the pattern, the habits.

Not easy to do of course, but if you do stay, this man, or this relationship, will be robbing you of your life. You'll never get that time back again. Not to mention the effect it will have on your children.

And yes, the ones who proclaim suicide never do it. (IME).

There is your big fat clue

he doesn't treat anyone else like this

he does it because he has no respect for you, you are an object he can use to take his frustration out on

he also does it because you keep letting him

If only it were possible to erase that part of him, then we could all be happy together. It's so sad . I don't know how I'm going to tell dd1 (nearly 4) that daddy's going to live in a different house. We all just spent a year apart as dp had to work abroad and I had to come to live near my parents. We've only been back together 2 months. He was like this before though. Worse.

Thanks for reading my ramblings dear MNers - you're fab.

"if only...."

if I had a quid for every time I heard/saw that phrase

You're allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for a bit anyway . It's hard to come to terms with what you wish for in a relationship, and the tripe you often get served up with in reality.

Sorry OP, ignore my last post. Now that it's finally updated on my phone I've seen your post saying he's threatened to kill you.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!
Never ever ignore someone when they tell you who they really are.
I'm a firm believer that people make mistakes, and that you can forgive almost anything once. Almost. Threats like that are unforgivable.
And tinnitus is annoying but not rage inducing. My father and DP both have it and they don't behave like that at all.

'If only' are, IMO, the saddest words in the Engish language.

Living on an 'if only' basis is no way to live.

You've effectively told him to start creating a better life for himself.

You now need to act on your own advice and make a start on creating a better life for you and your dc, and you know that you can't do this while you continue to cling on to 'if only'.

Oh dear I'm finding it hard to stay angry. This always happens, he goes back to being normal and calm and it's easy to sweep what happened under the carpet. It always seems OTT to split us up as a family because of some silly words he said in a temper that he doesn't really mean. I don't understand why I can't stay angry about these things, but the things he says just seem so OTT and ridiculous and silly when I've calmed down. I have to admit despite him being such a whiny, aggressive, selfish dick sometimes I do like him and love him.

I'm going to have to really stick to my guns aren't I? I'll have to be really really strong for us to split up. I haven't seen him all day because I was at my mum's working like mad to a deadline (don't want to out myself by explaining further) while he looked after dds all day, did shopping, cooked and washed up. He normally does quite a bit in the house now he's not working. I bathed girls and got them ready for bed. I fell asleep feeding dd2 to sleep and have woken up now and come down for a cuppa. He's in bed. So we haven't talked and my resolve is waning.

He's going to do this over and over again for ever isn't he? No matter how normal and calm he is in between times, he always does it again, will never seek help and says it's the way he is and can't change and also that I make him react like that by provoking him! Typical, blaming the person you're inflicting the verbal abuse on.

You have insight into your situation

Whether you use it or not is completely up to you, love

Did he leave his home country to live with you? Just wondering (from some of the things you say in your posts) cos I had that too.
And I would get the blame for stuff going wrong or general frustration he would take it out on me.
It was exhausting (as well as damaging and infuriating)...

I could understand where he was coming from in his frustration but it's no way to live.

He is now my exH. (and went back).