This is a deal breaker isn't it

[NotPuttingUpWithItAnyMore]

DP called me a blood sucker this morning. In front of dds (too young to understand but anyway). He is having a v stressful time at the moment and suffers from insomnia, tinnitus and depression I reckon, but that's no excuse is it.

He has a history of name calling, has called me a bastard, a lowlife rat, a bitch... All in front of the girls.

It's over isn't it. If only he wasn't like this.

You're right as always AF.

Suburbophobe, it wasn't his home country, but he's going on and on about his home country now and how he wishes he was there now, which he never did where we lived before. Where we lived before he went on and on about how he hated it too but didn't want to go home. Yes that's exactly what's happening here, getting the blame and being told "it's all right for you" all the time. I had a few years of this before with my ex-H who was also from a different country, constantly complaining about how hard it was for him and taking it out on me. So while I do appreciate it's scary moving to a different country where you don't speak the language, he should be happy that we are all together again. Not moaning about how hard it is for him all the time. He moaned before when we lived in a beautiful place too. He's a moaner and I'm not going to let it bring me down any more. I don't seem to be too great at picking men, do I?

Now I'm getting older I think why the fuck would I put up with this and what would the moaning be like by the time we were 60? What a waste of a life that would be!

I really hope he doesn't leave, that would be so awful for the girls. They are so happy he's back and are only getting really close to him now. Dd1 talks about him all the time and dd2 didn't really remember who he was at first but now says daddy about a million times a day and gives him loads of kisses. If only, if only... there I go again. I've seen a nice house for rent near here, he could see them every day if he wanted.

Sorry for rambling on!

Maybe you forget these incidents because they are too awful to deal with, Like a kind of PTSD? It may be useful to harness your anger, write down how you feel/felt when you were hurt by his cruel words/actions/threats and refer back to it (and add to it when you remember things)

You have 2dds, do you want them to think that this is normal/acceptable? I ask this because that is what helps me to keep my resolve, I have asked my STBXH to leave and he is looking for flats at the moment, once the decision had been made, I felt so much better. I am actually really excited about him going now and looking forward to the rest of my life. I know that I want my daughters to grow up seeing me happy and confident rather than miserable and anxious. One happy parent is better than 2 unhappy ones. I know it will be heartbreaking to tell the girls, I know that they will grieve for him when he goes but they will still see him and they will survive, with a much stronger mum to support them emotionally.

Some days, things here are bearable and I think "Why I am kicking him out and breaking up the family? Surely it can't be that bad?" then I look back at my list of reasons and it gives me strength to stick to my decision. Good luck

SorryMyLollipop, thanks, I will make a list, it's a good idea.

I told him today again that I want him to go. He started shouting and getting really angry so I grabbed the phone and said I would dial 999. He's calm now.

Just an update, he's been calm now ever since and has agreed to leave. A place has been found for him to live. He has apologised and is on best behaviour, but he has said he can't guarantee he wouldn't do it again. I'm not prepared to take the risk anyway, for the girls' sake. Shame, but I'm sure we will be happier apart.

notputtingup you're being really brave and strong and it's absolutely the very best thing to do for you and equally importantly for your girls. You wouldn't want them to tolerate a relationship in which they are belittled, threatened and treated with such little respect.

keep checking in here. we are expert hand holders and givers. :)

Funny how he gets calm when you say you'll call for help. I don't know either of you, but now I really despise this wanker. Don't trust him, just do what you must to get him out & away.

To remind you, intimidation and threats to kill are actually crimes. Hope that will add to your resolve!

Hi notputtingup, glad that things are looking more positive for you. From the sounds of things, you will be much much happier apart.

Going back to the list, I look at mine every so often and even tho I have written things down, I still forget them again until I see them in black and white, strange what stress will do!

The other reason I have been writing stuff down is so that, in the future, when the girls are old enough to ask questions, I will know what my reasons were (don't think I would share the details but I will know that I was justified).

Thanks Snapespeare, now we are waiting for him to move out things are relaxed and we are getting on pretty well on a day to day basis, which makes me wonder at times if I'm doing the right thing, but I remember it's for the girls most of all, which helps so much.

Garlicbutter, I didn't know that, thanks. He does say stuff like such an such a person "should be killed" sometimes, and I just think, what a dick, does he know what he's saying. I'll remind him not to talk like that in front of the girls and tell him it's a crime.

SorryMyLollipop, I had a list and kept it in my handbag of all places, and now I can't find it! I do remember some of the things on it, but reading it really helped me feel what he said and did was real. I think I'll make a new list with all the stuff I remember.

Things are still calm here waiting for dp to move out. He seems to have accepted it, either that or he doesn't believe I really mean it. I'm not sure sometimes I really mean it! That's when I remember the girls and the words I don't want them to hear their dad saying to their mum. That's all that matters. Even just typing that has really helped.

SorryMyLollipop I know what you mean about the forgetting, I felt like such a dick writing "Oh I forgot he raised his hand as if to hit me in the car a few weeks ago". Like what normal person forgets a thing like that?! But now I don't feel so pathetic.

Now to tell family and friends Going to hate the poor you aren't you crap at choosing men glances. Oh well, who cares.

I know I'm talking to myself here a lot but it helps to write it down here anyway. Just told my mum she wasn't terrible and was calm but didn't think it was the best for the girls. She thinks couple should stay together even if they don't want to, because the kids will be happier even if their parents fight. Grrr. Could have been more supportive. She's so negative all the time these days.

You are not talking to yourself

I am listening, and others are too

I think its a generational thing. Luckily we know that we have choices and don't have to put up with abusive shit, in our parent's generation they were under more pressure to put up and shut up.
I think maybe you are challenging some of her principles that she doesn't want to be questioned and maybe she feels jealous that you have the strength and power to say "no" without society casting you out. Maybe she would have liked that freedom herself?

My H is moving out in two weeks () and we are getting on better than we have in years because the pressure is totally off now. In many ways that makes it much harder to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. Luckily (?) he still behaves like an angry fuckwit at least once a day and that helps me to remain strong.

My MIL thinks that we are damaging our girls by separating BUT she has NO IDEA what has been going on for the past few years in this family , NO IDEA what her son is really like as a husband/father.

I am fortunate to be close to my mum and have been confiding in her for a long time now, about how unhappy I am etc. She is relieved more than anything,

When your mum sees the positive change in you, she may(!) realise that its for the best.

Wishing you strength and future peace x

No advice OP just to say I wish you success, it sounds like you re doing the right thing. Also I'm sorry about your Mum's reaction, does she know all the facts?

"Why do I sort of forget it happened every time? Or pretend it didn't"

This is your unconscious mind's way of protecting yourself from trauma. It happens over time when you are subjected to abuse. It's a pretty good sign that there is a long-term issue here.