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Original poster

A bit personal

60 replies

mummycan · 30/01/2006 12:50

After reading all the threads on here about not wanting sex I think there must be something wrong with me.

I like sex have always liked it and would be happy to miss my favourite tv programme, maybe even a meal.

Over the last few years - maybe even longer H seems to be less and less interested. We had some (relationship) problems last year and one of the things he said is that he feels under pressure because he doesn't feel the need as much as I do.

Maybe I have a deep psychlogical problem but I think that one of the things about being with somebody is that you do want to have sex with them (not the only thing I know but it is pretty important for me.

He always has to be persuaded ( the last time he initiated sex was after we had been out with some friends and friend's DH paid me alot of attention all night). He always comes to bed much later than me even when I ask him to be earlier. He says it's too early to go to bed - I tell him we don't have to go to sleep. He can get by on less sleep than me during the week and makes up for it at the weekend.

Last night he said he would be up by midnight - i waited until 10 past and then went to sleep as I have to get up to take DD to school. I feel like a sad loser waiting for him like that.

I know that other people have far worse problems than me - he is agood father and generally a nice bloke - but I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and spend the rest of my life wondering if my husband fancies me - I feel ugly and undesirable and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:03

Forgot to add that I spoke to him this morning and said that we had got to the end of another weekend and we hadn't made love and it doesn't seem to bother him - making myself appear even more pathetic and desperate.

If I was on the outside I would be saying leave him alone, don't put him under pressure blah blah blah so why can't I take my own advice.

One thing I do believe is that the less sex you have the less you want so I do worry that it will dwindle to nothing - I am the original desperate housewife.

BTW I did consider changing my name for this but I don't think anybody knows me in RL.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2006 13:11

Why didn't you go down and get him or seduce him where he was?

Lacrimosa · 30/01/2006 13:13

could he be trying to hide some sort of problem with himself? eg impotence?

NotActuallyAMum · 30/01/2006 13:14

I'd be feeling very unwanted at this too. Have you spoken to him and told him how you feel? Think this really needs addressing, specially as it's been going on so long

I don't think you sound desperate at all - this is a very important part of a relationship for most people and I sympathise greatly

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:14

Because he doesn't respond - I'm watching this - I just need to finish this. Also it seems to have gone on for so long and I feel I've had so many knocjkbacks and excuses that I don't know HOW to seduce him anymore

OP posts:
Bettikitten · 30/01/2006 13:17

Some men just need it spelling out to them that its what you want......make it clear to him that you would love him to come to bed early because you want to get passionate together, if then he still doesn't come to bed with you then I seriously think you need to have a long talk.

Sex is very important in a relationship on both sides imo.

Good luck Mummycan

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:19

We do have sex sometimes but I feel like I've made him IYSWIM - and it does feel like sex - not really like making love.

I have told him - he says he'll try but even if things change it's only for a few days anfd then we're back to different bed times etc.

WE did have a couple of weeks where we went to bed on a saturday afternoon but even that has fizzled out. He wants to cuddle (on the sofa and in bed in the mornings - but not caress or do sexual things - worry that he sees me like some sort of platonic friend (or worse) some sort of sister figure - I am not gorgeous and I am bigger than I used to be but not much bigger than when we got married.

OP posts:
QE2 · 30/01/2006 13:20

He could be thinking a few things. That he isn't up to scratch, won't last long enough, he won't do it right, he feels silly and self-conscious. Or he could be avoiding it because he fears impotence?

Putting him under pressure will affect his desire. What would he do if you initiated it?

I can understand you wanting him to initiate things to show he still desires you. I can drop hints til I'm blue in the face to my dh and if he isn't interesetd, no amount of dropping hints will fire him up. I talked to him and he said if I warm him up then he fancies it. Other times he can't keep his hands off me. Work stress affects things a lot.

Have things always been this way or have things changed?

Bettikitten · 30/01/2006 13:20

How long have you been together?

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:20

I have spelled it out - for instance last night I said we could go to bed not to sleep but to make love - I'll be up later he tells me - do you think it might be a control thing?

OP posts:
Easy · 30/01/2006 13:23

Doesn't sound like a control thing to me.

Is he stressed or unhappy at work?

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:23

We've been together nearly 16 years -mwe've always had differing desires (except right at the beginning when we couldn't keep our hands off each other) - but now it's always tthe last thing - after work, telly, newspaper, glass of wine cigarette - the list goes on.

I feel pathetic and stupid and I am sat here crying - how much more pathetic can you get?

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 30/01/2006 13:25

"I am not gorgeous and I'm bigger than I used to be"

Please don't put yourself down! Your size shouldn't be an issue. Would you go off him if he put a few pounds on? Of course not! And, everyone is gorgeous in their own way - including you

I really think you need to sit him down, turn the TV off, remove any other distractions and make him listen to you. Tell him exactly how you feel and ask him to tell you exactly how he feels about it. Ask him why he doesn't want to make love with you. Make it clear to him that it could drive you apart

Chloe55 · 30/01/2006 13:25

Like you have said, the less you have it, the less you want it and it is hard to get out of a rut where sex seems to have become a chore for one of the parties involved. I used to be the one not interested in sex that much but recently it has become the other way round and now I kinda know how DH felt when I used to knock him back when he tried so hard and it hurts.

When it was me not wanting it I used to want it less if I felt like I 'had' to have it but then if it was never mentioned I just tended to forget about having it so the situation definitely needs to be addressed but without critising/blaming each other. You need to tell him how much it hurts when he knocks you back and that you understand you both have different sex drives but there must be a compromise somewhere along the line.

Chloe55 · 30/01/2006 13:28

Oh and don't ever think it is because he finds you less attractive - my DH used to think that and it was so far from the truth. In fact, when I knew he was thinking that way I used to cry myself to sleep because the issue lied with me - not him. Your DH is probably thinking the same. I def don't think it will be a control thing.

QE2 · 30/01/2006 13:29

mummycan - I think this is a man thing, you know.

I say the same to dh when he is sat on the computer at getting on for midnight. I will say are you coming up then sweetheart in my best seductive voice. Oh yes he will say I will only be a few minutes. Next thing I know it's 7am!!!

When I say about it, he will say either that he forgot or he didn't realise what I meant!!

After being together for 16 years I guess it takes a bit more working at and other things like life just get in the way and sex takes a back seat.

In the meantime, I would treat yourself to a facial, haircut, new clothes, make-up - make yourself feel special and soon I bet he'll sit up and notice.

Easy · 30/01/2006 13:29

Have you got any books you could leave lying around? Would browsing thru them give him any urge at all.

Erotic Print society has some material.

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:30

I have told him all these things and to be honest that's why I have ended up talking about it on MN - I don't actually know what else to do - I have to;ld him that I feel that I have tried everything and I don't know what to do to make him want me anymore- I don't want to leave him - I don't want to have an affair - I don't want to break up the family - I just want to be desired and lusted after - Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:32

Have tried the book thing - bought an Ann Summers fantasies book - looked at it once together but he hasn't even opened it sice and it's in adrawer on his side of the bed.

OP posts:
Bettikitten · 30/01/2006 13:45

I know you said you don't want an affair or anything and would not advise it but surely this is the way that women do go on to have affairs when they don't feel wanted or desired by their men, they ultimately seek it elsewhere. Its a woman's instinct to want to feel loved and cherished and desired and if she is not getting that she will eventually move onto someone who can give it to her - that is my opinion anyway

jco · 30/01/2006 13:55

How about if you tried a completely different tactic for a while. This worked for me when i was having problems. don't try to get him to have sex with you at all, make sure you always look your best and be nice to him, cuddles etc but nothing sexual. I promise you once he realises that you aren't coming on to him he'll start to realise what he's missing and he'll be the one who's trying to get you in bed!!!

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 13:59

How long is a while - weeks, months or years? I've already tried weeks

OP posts:
jco · 30/01/2006 14:03

for me it took about a month, i think it took him a few weeks to register that i wasn't trying to seduce him anymore and then a few more weeks for him to start missing it. It still didn't happen as frequently as i would have liked but he did start showing much more on an interest. That gave me a boost then because i realised that he did still fancy me.

i understand why you are so upset hun, we all need to feel sexy and love by our partners.

lazyanna · 30/01/2006 15:12

Do we need to feel loved? Sexually, I mean? My DH and i have gone several years now, and while it drives me nuts, it doesn't affect any other part of our relationship - but I'll admit that a part of me worries

crazydazy · 30/01/2006 15:45

You have gone years without sex.....??? Is that what you mean Lazyanna? I would be seriously fed up.....if is medical grounds fair enough but anything else surely this is not right???

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