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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A bit personal

60 replies

mummycan · 30/01/2006 12:50

After reading all the threads on here about not wanting sex I think there must be something wrong with me.

I like sex have always liked it and would be happy to miss my favourite tv programme, maybe even a meal.

Over the last few years - maybe even longer H seems to be less and less interested. We had some (relationship) problems last year and one of the things he said is that he feels under pressure because he doesn't feel the need as much as I do.

Maybe I have a deep psychlogical problem but I think that one of the things about being with somebody is that you do want to have sex with them (not the only thing I know but it is pretty important for me.

He always has to be persuaded ( the last time he initiated sex was after we had been out with some friends and friend's DH paid me alot of attention all night). He always comes to bed much later than me even when I ask him to be earlier. He says it's too early to go to bed - I tell him we don't have to go to sleep. He can get by on less sleep than me during the week and makes up for it at the weekend.

Last night he said he would be up by midnight - i waited until 10 past and then went to sleep as I have to get up to take DD to school. I feel like a sad loser waiting for him like that.

I know that other people have far worse problems than me - he is agood father and generally a nice bloke - but I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and spend the rest of my life wondering if my husband fancies me - I feel ugly and undesirable and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lovelorna · 30/01/2006 16:20

Hi there mummycan,

You're not alone - I could have written this word for word - except that for me it has been going on like this for about 10 yrs !! We have a 5 yr old ds and when trying go conceive him I almost left dh as he just would not oblige at the appropriate time !! Every excuse under the sun - even a headache once ! Big discussions - said he felt under pressure to perform !

Since I got pg - no sex - no not for 6 yrs now ! No - not at all !

Am almost past caring really - agree entirely that you stop thinking about it - it's just something other people do now ! That said - I have started a new job and meet loads of men in it - and I have recently lost weight and smartened myself up a bit - to be honest I'm not looking for someone else - but if I should stumble across someone who made me feel desirable again- I would be sorely tempted !

My h doesn't want to talk about it - but the other day he attempted to cuddle me in bed and asked me if I might fancy an early night one night ? Sorry to say - but I said "bit late isn't it" and turned away ! I don't fancy him anymore - and that's mainly because he has rejected me so much in the past.

Sorry - that's no help to you - just wanted to say that you're not alone !

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 17:06

Lovelorna and lazyanna - at least I don't feel like a freak any more - not that I would want this state of affairs for anyone. The really sad thing is that my parents probably have a more active sex life than I do (not that I want to think about that!)

Lovelorna - do you think your H has started to notice becuase you have "smartened up."

Lazyanna have you ever said anything to your H about it - I must admit sometimes I wonder whether he is having an affair - or worse going to dodgy nightclubs and/or call girls - H works long and unpredictable hours. I don't really believe that he would but a part of me wonders - after all we're always being told that men have "needs" - in my case the needs seem to be someone to clean, cook, look after kids and general domestic stuff.

OP posts:
cathie187 · 30/01/2006 17:19

hi mummycam

I have never posted on here before but do "lurk", i have exactly the same problem with my dp, we have had sex twice in the last 10 months, hes just never interested and when its brought up he says all the right things but it just never happens, its got to the point where i have no self confidence to approach him anymore as much as id like to. I feel like i would be more sexually confident in bed with a total stranger more than i would him (not that im going to i just feel this way) ive even threatened to leave to no avail.My confidence is shot to pieces to the point where im scared if we do have sex we wont "fit together" anymore and it will be crap lol.

Sorry to hijack your thread, its just if you find an solution please let me know lol

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 18:21

Don't worry about hijacking the thread - I too feel I would have more confidence with a stranger - at least you don't know that they are going to knock you back

OP posts:
Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 20:09

cathie187 - was it always like this or do you think things have just deteriorated as time has gone on?

OP posts:
cathie187 · 30/01/2006 20:31

it has just got worse over the last few years, i had ds 10 months ago and have not lost any baby weight at all (although am going to ww). When we first met we were never out of bed (tmi)its been like this for about 3 years but worse so since the baby, he says he still finds me attractive but acts differently iykwim, he makes me feel like the thought of me repulses him and makes me feel dirty for wanting somthing as outrageous as a sex life lol (not intentionally but thats how he makes me feel) says he does want to sort it out then puts things onto my like "well your not tidy enough" you havent hoovered upstairs for 2 days etc, its like he wants the perfect housewife but doesnt put the effort in himself, is it like this for you?

Original poster
mummycan · 30/01/2006 22:08

No - it's just avoidance - I'll come to bed later - I'm really tired - I'm watching the news. I think he would like me to be thinner but I don't see how that would change the person I am.

Sorry not any help am I

OP posts:
cathie187 · 30/01/2006 22:23

me neither as im just the same person i was and love him whatever he looks like and feel that i should be given the same courtesy.He's exactly the same though we never go to bed at the same time as hes always on him PC playing games, working, i.e theres always something better on offer than me

crazydazy · 31/01/2006 10:13

I really do feel sorry for you all it must be horrible to feel so unloved by your men. Did anyone see Northern Lights last night? That seemed to be a similar situation although I am not suggesting that your hubbies are seeing anyone else (like the character in Northern Lights) but his problems had started before he actually met up with the woman from his past.

I was talking about this with DP last night. We have what I would say is a 'normal' kind of relationship. If we are tired then I would say we have sex once a week if not then twice a week. DP believes that there is seriously something wrong if the man is not wanting to have sex at least once a week. I know there are stresses with work etc but surely the way you have described your patterns of lovemaking are upsetting for you. I would be beside myself with worry.

I am so sorry if I have upset anyone with this post, it really isn't intended that way and I sincerely mean that I just thought I would give a male's point of view in the hope that it helps.

Original poster
mummycan · 31/01/2006 10:32

I'm not offended crazydazy - good to hear male pov - say thanks to your dh

OP posts:
cathie187 · 31/01/2006 11:01

i agree and i like mummycan am very upset and worried about the situation, the wierd thing for me is that every other aspect of our relationship is almost perfect, i.e hes a wonderful dad, great around the house, works hard etc, i watched Northern Lights last night too and felt very much like "pauline" lol, I dont feel he would be unfaithful, moreso because he hasnt got the time though.
Mummycan, what does he say to you when you bring up the situation?

Original poster
mummycan · 31/01/2006 11:19

He says things like - I always give you cuddles - can't we just cuddle? We do do it sometimes or my personal hated one - we'll do it later - later I will be asleep

My situation is not as infrequent as yours but I would like to make love at least once a week - it's part of the closeness of being a couple - ideally 3 or 4 times a week. Also I hate the will we won't we? I'm not 15 I'm a grown woman. Like your dh he is very good in other ways

OP posts:
cathie187 · 31/01/2006 11:29

in fact we had a huge row about it yesterday, thats why i contributed to your thread, where he promised things would be different but to be honest i feel like its hollow words, i did actually suggest sex therapy through relate but hes not keen and its quite expensive, so if you do find any answers please let me know, its so frustrating isnt it!

lazyanna · 31/01/2006 11:35

I just try to accept that some people aren't interested, though He used to be. I don't think I could bring myself to seek an alternative.

lazyanna · 31/01/2006 11:37

In fact, with the number of threads about the opposite problem, I've been fairly certain I was in the minority - not so sure now.

colditz · 31/01/2006 11:46

This is exactly the situation I have been in for the past 4 years, Dp was like a rabbit for the first 6 months of our relationship, now we just don't have sex. I am pregnant now, it must be a flipping miracle because it happened the one and only time we had had sex in 3 months!

I quite often feel like having an affair. I get sick of hinting, asking, moaning, pleading, sulking and all the time hearing excuse after excuse after excuse. If he was ill as many times as he says he is, he would be dead.

crazydazy · 31/01/2006 12:17

Mummycan - I think DP would strongly object to 3 to 4 times a week too and so would I come to think of it , you are right though about the fact that between a normal loving happy couple it should be as frequent as once a week or two weeks at the most.

Colditz -oh poor you I really don't blame you how you feel I would be exactly the same.

Some men just don't get it do they? The fact that we need love, romance and being loved and cared for. Not just being a mother.

He said his reason (in Northern Lights) was because he saw her as a mother rather than a object of desire, I have heard that it does affect men in this way, could it be that with your DP/DH's??

crazydazy · 31/01/2006 12:20

Cathie -I am sure he wouldn't be unfaithful too, by what you say he seems a very loving and wonderful person, such a shame that things go this way for people over time.

I think (and hope) I will always find DP attractive, I just feel like with are suited.

chenin · 31/01/2006 13:22

I have such sympathy with you people on here. I am in the same boat. My DH was exactly the same as your DH mummycan - his head hurt, his leg hurt, he had to be up early, he was tired etc.etc.
The rejection is very very hard to cope with and I am very many years down the line with this problem - so many years that I am too embarrassed to say!
Looking back I wish we had got help. I tried, on many occasions, to talk him into going for help but he had too many excuses and I gave up, to my regret. I went through many stages with this - hurt, bewilderment, huge anger and then I buried my head in the sand.
I am now in a place I don't want to be with this situation but feel too awkward to talk about it.

chenin · 31/01/2006 13:25

BTW I have lost two and a half stone in the last year or so, and that hasn't worked either!

Original poster
mummycan · 31/01/2006 13:28

Helliebean - is there somebody you CAN talk to - I'm not sure exactly what you are saying but it is obviously making you unhappy - what about relate - maybe on your own. Good luck

OP posts:
chenin · 31/01/2006 13:30

Thank you mummycan!
I feel so bitter about it that I just feel 'why should I go to Relate?' I'm not the one with the problem - I know that is not the answer but the bitterness and hurt just builds up and you switch off, IYKWIM.

Abirosie · 31/01/2006 14:15

We only manage it once a week now and we have been married 8 years and one daughter later.

He admitted he doesn't fancy me anymore and since i have started to slim he is begging for it.

purpleprincess · 31/01/2006 14:47

This is all very interesting...i've been lurking on all these threads recently and can certainly agree and sympathise with a lot of what has been said on here. We havent done it for 3 months (except some brief fumbling sometime around Xmas) and was very few and far between before then. Trouble is I dont really feel any desire for it beyond the closeness - i.e. dont feel horny at all. I also agree with the less you do it the less you want to thing. DH drops the odd hint but never shows that he wants to either - making me feel unloved and unwanted. However can i justify this? I'm not showing him any signs but not sure if it works that way. The comment about men wanting sex to feel loved and women needing to feel loved to want sex I think does ring true. We need to talk about it but it is always me who brings these things up and I'm fed up of it but guess I will have to in the end otherwise will end up being like some others of you on here.

Sorry for everyone's problems and hope we can all sort them out.

lazyanna · 31/01/2006 15:03

I think there comes a point where it is too late to change things, and you have to decide whether it is important enough to finish the relationship.

Having reached that point, and made that decision doesn't make it any more pleasant when you do think about it.

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