A bit personal

[mummycan]

After reading all the threads on here about not wanting sex I think there must be something wrong with me.

I like sex have always liked it and would be happy to miss my favourite tv programme, maybe even a meal.

Over the last few years - maybe even longer H seems to be less and less interested. We had some (relationship) problems last year and one of the things he said is that he feels under pressure because he doesn't feel the need as much as I do.

Maybe I have a deep psychlogical problem but I think that one of the things about being with somebody is that you do want to have sex with them (not the only thing I know but it is pretty important for me.

He always has to be persuaded ( the last time he initiated sex was after we had been out with some friends and friend's DH paid me alot of attention all night). He always comes to bed much later than me even when I ask him to be earlier. He says it's too early to go to bed - I tell him we don't have to go to sleep. He can get by on less sleep than me during the week and makes up for it at the weekend.

Last night he said he would be up by midnight - i waited until 10 past and then went to sleep as I have to get up to take DD to school. I feel like a sad loser waiting for him like that.

I know that other people have far worse problems than me - he is agood father and generally a nice bloke - but I don't want to live in a sexless marriage and spend the rest of my life wondering if my husband fancies me - I feel ugly and undesirable and I don't know what to do.

Thought you all might be interested to see this article from the Body & Soul section of The Times on Saturday. For those who dont read it someone writes in with sexual dilemma which is then answered by two experts. Think a lot of us will relate to this (although is the other way round to this particular thread)- Suzi Godson's reply is definitely worth reading.

The best aphrodisiac for my OH is for me to go out for the evening, come back and then 'mention' the man who wanted to buy me a drink....

The man rarely exsists, actually, but it is guaranteed to up dp's interest for the evening. Jealousy can be quite powerful.

Why the faces Colditz ????

If I told DP a man had chatted me up whilst I was out he would never let me out of the house again on my own....mind you he's a very jealous kind of guy which is a bone of contention where I am concerned.

The trouble is, it is usually the woman with the 'headache' more often than the man. It just makes it very difficult when it is this way round.
It is too easy to ignore the problem and resentment just builds and builds until it gets to the point that you think 'even if you were to try it on now, I am not interested because of all the times you have rejected me.'

Interesting to see that this problem is so common.
I think it's very very easy to get out of the habit of reaching for one another when you become parents. We sometimes go a few weeks without sex and its true that the less you have the less you want. It doesn't help that we are led to believe that men are always "up for it" - that in itself makes us feel inadequate.

Sorry PP not at your link, but at the fact that a bit of jealousy is the only thing that engenders any interest from dp. Indeed that it works at all, instead of making him sulk, it actually seems to make him want to talk to and interact with me!

Yes that is a shame Colditz! Think it is very true what both said in the Times article (scroll down for the link on one of my previous posts) about how marriage is so bad for sex. You get complacent with each other and with your sexual routine, you dont bother with foreplay because you know what you are going to do. Then there is everything else to think about - kids, house, finances and all the detracts from having sex. Personally our DD is not a great sleeper so feel knackered and just want to sleep most of the time. Before kids was always more of a 'morning' person iykwim but that's not an option with kids. Ho hum....

your right about the resentment thing, i resent him for not wanting me and this sometimes shows in my attitude towards him ( i can sometimes be snappy with him etc) i also resent the fact that he promised to change things when i agreed to move 300 miles back to his own town, i do love it here and its the best move ive ever made but i still resent him for not sticking to his word, how can a man who is so perfect be so unloving, its the intimacy that i miss more than anything not the sex

yes cathie, you are right. The resentment builds until they can't do a thing right. And it is the intimacy that is so important, not just the sex. I love to hug, touch and kiss and miss it so much.