I want to tell my toxic, insane, dysfunctional extraordinaire family I am sick of them

[springydaffs]

There you go: I want to let it all out once and for all. I want to list their m-a-n-y insane behaviours and wipe the floor with them. I want to call them names and generally shame them to their boots. I want to be rude and disgraceful.

I don't want to be decent or behave with dignity. I want to snort derision at them.

Which would be completely out of character

Tell them how you feel and walk away where needed. I have 2 toxic brothers with just as toxic wives(some issues similar to your family) amongst other vile relatives and the best thing I've ever done is tell them to get stuffed. It hurts when you still love them as brothers/rels but my theory is, if you would'nt put up with it from a friend or stranger who are behaving the same as they do, then why the hell should you put up with it from people who are supposed to care about you. Its not easy but in the long run worth it and you'll feel better yourself and no longer have the toxic trash around you're much cared for family or self.

Well done for venting here but it sounds like it's time to put your foot down and move on

Oooh, springy; that was SOME rant. Well done you. I think your loofly by the way....

you can have some too!

Go Springy go springy go springy!!!

There's more

Totally understand ranting and getting the rage out compared to talking about it.

Carry on sure theres more where that came from :)

That rant is really a thing of beauty! I'd love to be a fly on the wall if you ever explode and tell them all what you really think!

aw, thanks. You are too kind to be so encouraging.

I'm a bit surprised at myself really. puss alert

I might have another go if I've got the courage - though maybe that's enough for now

I luffs you, Springy.

Come on! Get it all out, you know you want to! Brilliant rant!

I was about to say the same, garlic! I really enjoyed reading that, springy

Get it all out then print the thread and show them

OP you have a wonderful way with words! That was poetry!

again - aw.

Promise, I wasn't fishing - just aware there's a LOT more where that came from. And it's making me SHAKE ffs. and I don't want to be a shaky person (inside or out) thank you very much. I don't want to be a boiling kettle with a rattling lid.

I'm not sure I can decide to get it out iyswim?? Maybe I need the muse... but if a squall breaks out I'll let you know

..'boiling kettle with a rattling lid'..now you have let off steam..it might be time to address your husband extended family directly ie find a way of talking to them in such a way that is safe for you..
..do you and your husband both have a problem with alcohol;are using alcohol to suppress and manage these feelings/rage?
..Im not sure if you have left/thinking of disowning your entire family..I would advise you tell them the reasons/your feelings before you do as you take the rage with you wherever you go..don't continue to manage it yourself by keeping a lid on it-go and get some therapy/counselling..

I hope that helped, what sad lives.

Reading MN makes me wonder if there are any decent families around?

bohomo - it is my primary family who are the object of my rant. I am not married. I don't drink, it doesn't agree with me these days but before I gave it up I wasn't particularly into it iyswim. imo there is no point whatsoever letting my family of origin know why I have cut them off but I do need a safe place to vent and I've at last found a good therapist and will be venting my spleen with gusto

I think that all families have their dysfunctions Sophie. It's how people manage them that marks out the 'functioning' ones iyswim. Some of us were born into rabidly dysfunctional families (toxic) which is a whole different kettle of fish imo. But there will be some level of shit in all families. It's interesting to me to see how families function ie people/families I know in real life, how they manage difficulties. Most do ime. I went into therapy (years ago) because I was in so much emotional pain and didnt know why. Therapy made it very clear why I was hurting so much, and also making terrible choices re relationships (particularly the person I married).

In some ways, therapy rips off the veil which can be challenging as you can't un-know what you know. I had to know even though it's bittersweet to know in some ways (in other, primary, ways it is fabulously liberating). Sometimes I wish I didn't know but the alternative doesn't bear thinking about. I had to find out because I was the one who was suffering - the others weren't suffering within the family, or barely. They had their scapegoat and could sit back and relax and drown whatever disquiet they felt in the bottom of a bottle

Oh Springy,

I have just read every single word twice over as someone who is desperately trying to understand the dynamics of Dhs vile family and watching this burning anger in him that has only started to diminish 2 years after he cut all contact with them.

I wish he could verbalise his rage as you have done but sadly i know it will never happen.

For some reason he has accepted all of the guilt for his families own short comings and he accepts the blame. He is the scapegoat for them all.

I hope he will read your post and maybe re evaluate his own view on what has gone so terribly wrong with all of those family members around him. They are the problem and not him.

Keep ranting

Wow

Just Wow

Good for you!

Wow

That was fab, it made me feel better, which is weird. .

Good for you!

IMHO it is OK to walk away from family when they are really this bad for you. Just be sure any bridges you burn you are comfortable with now and in, say, 10 years time.

Does anyone but the scapegoat end up in therapy? I imagine they carry on functioning as the scapegoat can still be blamed at a distance. The scapegoat gets peace at a distance, its so sad these tossers can't and won't see, as you say its hard when the veil is lifted.

I should imagine some end up in therapy? But imo the scapegoat dynamic is like an addiction ie the members who scapegoat are addicted to it and won't be letting it go easily re feel uneasy/unhappy/dissatisfied? Find somebody to blame! If it's being done collectively (the whole family) it is nigh impossible to break.

So do they blame from afar or find someone new within the family?

I wonder exactly the same thing Sophie.

I think that once the scapegoat is established, that's it, for life Whether they're near or far.

ime if I don't fall in with their stereotype of me (or 'me' to be more accurate), they become enraged. It's easier all round to be cut off from them because then they are settled as they've got everything squared away in their heads and you aren't around to constantly upset that. And of course it's MUCH easier for the scapegoat to not be subjected to that shit all the time. Howeve,r the scapegoat is the loser imo. It's very hard to get over being treated like that by what should be your nearest and dearest.

if there is scapegoating in organisations then I think the scapegoat does shift re if one leaves, another one is found.

I find that so sad, well the parents that scapegoat their child will one day be judged by a higher being, I hope its true that if in life if you dont address your wrongs and accept, apologise and attone if at all possible, then you have to deal with it in death!