Worried about my sanity

[dontaskme]

Am new to this and not sure whether this post belongs here or in Mental Health, so please bear with me.
My DH has always been quiet, not much of a conversationalist and he has no hobbies or pastimes apart from his work (IT), doesn't read much, so not much to talk about. He works away Mon to Thurs, so we have three days together.
I tell him about my week and he'll respond with something along the lines of 'work's OK, had a drink one night, weather has been good, went for a walk, not much more to say really' and that's about it.
We talk about the weather a lot, we watch loads of TV - he will never make a comment about what's on the screen, just watches - and he spends hours doing jigsaw puzzles. He likes going for walks with the dog and will go to the cinema, pub etc if I suggest and organise it.
We have just moved to a 'new' house - Victorian terrace, our third move. This house has broken floorboards, a 60-year-old bathroom and needs a serious facelift. He said he wanted a challenge - now he says he can't face it and says I should take charge of all the work. Says he is 'no good' at talking to or sourcing tradesmen.
Now, we have been here before. Years ago, faced with yet another shithole house, I got quotes, made suggestions and offered to get the work done. At the time he was annoyed that I 'had all the ideas' and said it was up to him to have ideas etc.
I knew this would happen and didn't want to buy another ruin, he wouldn't contemplate a newish house.
I am so frustrated and lonely with the silences, what I see as passivity and the frustration of living in a grubby old house. I am an educated, intelligent woman and really enjoy making a home and making progress, but I feel I am up against a stone wall. I am now seriously worried about my mental wellbeing as I seem to alternate between being very depressed (ie quiet and compliant, not nagging etc) or fiercely angry with fantasies of running away/hitting him.
I think DHs passivity is almost aggressive in its effect on me.
Background is his mum wore the trousers, his dad was a passive part-time transvestite, his first wife long-term depressive. I have had two long-term relationships coloured by physical and emotional abuse. I married DH because he is such a 'nice' man and he kind and generous, kind to my adult DS etc.
Seriously think I am going mad here and have lost all motivation to do anything myself.
Sorry about this long rant but have no RL people to talk to.

That's not a rant.

Why are you putting up with this?

Not a rant.

Of course it will be maddening to deal with that. Your reactions of anger and depression seem perfectly understandable to me.

What do you want to do about it?

WRT to the house, it sounds like he's messing with your head. He's keeping you helpless by telling you one thing and doing another, then getting angry when you try to resolve the inconsistency. I'm not surprised it's messing with your head. That's not just passivity, it's bordering on abusive. What would happen now if you started doing up the house? Would he have a go at you?

I get a housekeeping allowance every month which is generous but not enough to buy for work on the house, decorating etc. I would have to get quotes etc, get him to agree and then to pay the bills. If I start anything on my own initiative I get the feeling I am taking over, being bossy or he will become 'depressed' and so unable to face any expense/upheaval.
He will pay for holidays, clothes etc if I want them but we are sitting on charity shop sofas. When we go to look at new stuff he can't decide so we end up with nothing.

What's that saying? 'Before you get yourself diagnosed with depression make sure you're not surrounded by arseholes'.

That kind of subtle control of finances coupled with a refusal to discuss or treat you like an equal can be very wearing. I have been in a v similar situation except we weren't married and had 1 DS. I left in the end and am much happier.
Are you afraid of getting quotes and him not giving you the money? You sound intimidated by him and really cowed and ground down; which I'd imagine is just how he likes it. He also sounds pretty boring and empty emotionally and as though he's not really meeting your needs on an intellectual level.

Do you have a job or social life into which you could escape to build up your confidence?

Sorry but this jumped out "his first wife long-term depressive" now there could be two more possibilities here, he could have caused her depression, or he can only relate to depressed people. Do you have kids? Because I would think hard about your relationship.
He causes a problem, then if you leave it up to him, nothing gets done and you live in misery. Or you do something to sort it out and he complains all the time.
You literally can't win, and I'm not sure he will ever change even if he wants to.

It sounds like you have very little power in the relationship. Do you work? Do you have children?

I think he is controlling, but in a v subtle way. If I talk about buying something for myself he will offer to 'take me' out and buy it for me.
His first wife is an outgoing extrovert type (like I used to be) so I think he likes bright women but can't cope with the competition when they have ideas of their own. He does like to take care of everyone financially, including ex wife, and IMO all his family are very babyish in their behaviour.
He has two grown up DCs, I have one.
Hep, I have hesitated to allow myself to use the word but you are right, he is very boring company and I can out-think him on nearly every score (hate self here, sounds so conceited). Trying to get him interested in doing anything is so dispiriting so I think I've sort of given up and tried to make myself smaller than him, IFYWIM.
Is being bored reason enough to jump ship? I am not so young any more and have no other family (apart from married DS) and only two friends.
Easier to stay depressed and have another glass of wine.

I don't really see the point in staying with him to be honest, it doesn't sound like he brings much to your life at all.

Well, look on the positive side for a moment; you have no immovable ties to him like children, which means you can consider whether or not to leave in a balanced way, unfettered by worries about being selfish or a bad parent etc etc etc. If I hadn't had a kid with XP I'd have been out of there like a shot! And he sounds exactly like your DH. Especially the bit about "he likes bright women but can't cope with the competition when they have ideas of their own"
That sent chills down my spine, so reminiscent of my experiences.

Being bored is a valid reason to leave a relationship. Being controlled is a far more pressing one, I'd say. Being bored makes you restless, keen to seek out better more interesting company and I suppose ripe for an affair, physical or emotional. Being controlled using finances as a stick to beat you with, will leave you will no resources financially, feeling powerless, child-like, scared, trapped, miserable, looked down upon and slightly mental. It's like he's trying to crush your spirit because he can't stand that you are a wonderful, intelligent and vibrant woman. So he's playing the long game, and is unconsciously dismantling your self esteem until you don't even dare feel you have the right to leave.

Ultimately you can leave even if you dislike the fact he picks his nose, or because you fancy having the bed all to yourself. You can leave for the most trivial reasons; you have the right to check out of the relationship at any time. But you should start getting worried when you don't even want to leave, even when they are behaving in ways which everyone else (on here, wherever) is telling you really awful. Then you know they've succeeded in breaking your spirit. Don't let it get to that stage.

For the record, subtle abuse like his can be maddening, because even good books about emotional abuse only touch on the subject and spend more pages on more overt types of control, like a bloke throwing a strop when you want to see your friends. This type of stuff - your DH and my XP - is far more insidious, and is akin to gaslighting it's so subtle. Doesn't mean it's not happening though. It took me years after the split and hanging out with/dating normal people before I realized what XP did was wrong. I was too scared to tell anyone at the time; many I told just didn't believe me because he was fine when they were around. What they didn't appreciate was the steady drip-drip effect of this kind of stuff and what it does to you, like water on a rock. No-one really sees it happening but it leaves its mark and can destroy you if you let it go on long enough.

Is being bored reason enough to jump ship? It certainly is for me, honey.

If they no longer enhance my life, I stop enhancing theirs.

50 is the new 30... 60 is the new 40 etc. Life may be short but the last years can be the most rewarding.

I reckon it's time for you to bail - get yourself a free half an hour consultation with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and get that ruin sold to fund a property that you'll enjoy living in... alone.

Am a bit shocked TBH as so many replies seem to be from people who are on my side - expected to be told I am being shallow. After two nasty men I thought I had picked a nice safe one ( a bit dull, but a good guy).
Hep's warning about not wanting to leave sends a chill down my spine because some years ago I did have the strength to leave him for exactly the same reasons as now yet I cam back because I thought it was all my fault and that I couldn't expect any better.
I think I feel that my reasons for being unhappy are because I am ungrateful/selfish/self-indulgent/crazy etc. Think I have followed my mum's example as she hated my dad but as he didn't beat her, chase women, get drunk or keep her short of cash, she couldn't complain.
I must be in a worse state than I thought.
Izzy - thank you for that - would love to be 40 again.

Actually now I come to think of it, he DOES pick his nose. And his toenails. And he eats with his mouth open.

do you think he may have a social communication problem? This what I am seeing!?

Don't worry OP, it took me 3 goes to leave my XP. The 2nd time I even moved out for a few months and rented a house, everything, it was all very stressful. I caved and went back. I think you have to believe that it's shit and then that you deserve more, can't have one realization without the other in terms of leaving.
Have you read any books like the Lundy Bancroft one? It was actually this article that made me start questioning what XP was doing. Hope you find it helpful. :)

Sea - interesting point. Do you mean like autism or a version of?
Hep - I think I must have looked at every self-help book ever written over the years. The Lundy Bancroft one I read some time ago but I must admit the passive-aggressive section passed me by. Seeing it now I recognise so much of what is going on but still find it hard to accept the 'it's him not me' message.
The procrastination and forgetfulness part fits perfectly - DH's excuse for everything is 'I forgot.'
If I can believe there is a real problem, not just me being a wimp, then I feel better and more in control.

It sounds like you would get more communication if you got yourself a lodger! and if you did a volunteer job visiting pensioners at least you'd get some interesting stories along with the jigsaw puzzles. If you want someone to go to the cinema with I am sure you could find someone, maybe through a social networking cinema type club.

Maybe find yourself a counsellor who is also a life coach (you can search on the BACP register) and start planning a happier life?

Euro - thanks for the good ideas. I don't mind the jigsaws, it's the silences that really push me over the edge. It's great to get so much support on here and I think I've walked into the trap of thinking any man who wasn't like my exes was going to be Mr Wonderful.
I wonder, is a behaviour still abusive even when the perpetrator is not consciously being abusive? To everyone else I am sure my DH would present as the victim of a depressive, ungrateful shrew who gives him a hard time (his family certainly think so). I suppose that is what I have been thinking about myself too.

"I wonder, is a behaviour still abusive even when the perpetrator is not consciously being abusive? To everyone else I am sure my DH would present as the victim of a depressive, ungrateful shrew who gives him a hard time "

Yes, it's still abusive. Something I wondered about a lot myself at the time. We'd go days and occasionally (though not often) weeks between times when I felt he was being abusive. He was fine in between. In the end I realized the only acceptable level of abuse is none, as per Reality's awesome thread on here (the one titled 'Right, listen up everybody!'). The thing is though, he could be genuinely depressed and you still have the right to leave; being mentally ill does not give someone the right to treat another person like shit, however covertly. And I would say that what is happening here is obviously financial abuse at the very least, though its difficult to pigeonhole things. Try asking him for the money upfront for teh building work without getting quotes, just guess a large figure and see what he says. Warn him the cost could rise somewhat and its just a very rough estimate. If you feel in anyway intimidated about having this discussion about what is also your home, then you're being controlled and bullied. Kind of indignant for you about the 'housekeeping allowance' as well, while we're on the subject!

I do think you've downgraded to a lower level bastard and felt that things were okay as a result. If you can afford it, counselling might help you to work out what thought-processes and assumptions got you into this situation, so you can rework things and then leave. You can still leave now and do the work later; just be aware that if you leave him without that epiphany, you will be vulnerable to the next slightly downgraded but still abusive idiot who gives you the time of day. I've just got out of an unhealthy relationship; my 2nd since leaving abusive XP 2 years ago. The person I dated briefly just before XP was also a jealous, angry, drug addicted possessive nutcase. So that's four in a row who were complete tossers; that's not bad luck, that's me having really skewed perceptions about what's normal. I'm swearing off relationships until I solve out just what the hell is going on here.
Good luck! :)

I must admit I opened the thread, titled regarding to your sanity, and your opener had to do with your husband.

I did read the rest, but may as well not have done. No you are not going mad, yes it is your husband. imo anyway.

Not an expert but is he on the adhd spectrum?. IT is a common job for them, jigsaws ditto, fear of communication with strangers ditto.

However...even if he is, that does not mean you have to be made miserable by/with him. Just might explain, dullness, repetitive pattern of communication (weather etc), screen watching without comment, your boredom!!!!

It would however make it extremely unlikely that he would be able to change.

Hep - thanks for all your input. I hope your next one turns out to be less of a tosser, although perhaps they all are to a greater or lesser degree. I can't really be arsed to fight about the house any more, have just lost interest. I really wanted to write it all down and see what other people think and whether I have the right to get myself out of this mess before I end up sectioned.
Foolon - have looked at the adult ADHD symptoms and he doesn't really fit although I have often thought there might be some personality disorder type reason for his spaciness and distance.
Apparently wife No1 used to get angry with his not 'being there' in spirit. So not just me then.

I think foolonthehill meant autistic/aspergers spectrum maybe? OP I have PM'd you

dont yeh the man can't 'comment' or do 'chit chat' only talk about 'real experiences' and not abstract by sounds of it, not being able too cope with organising people re house ...also the IT profession gave it away too lol!

This is 'classic' high functioning autism compared to Aspergers who talks a lot!
Sadly get confused as being passive aggressive when they do not have bad bone...just very literal and lack understanding how others feel because they have to be taught it like maths.

Does he often not understand what you mean...etc

Roy Cropper on Corrie is playing a fab Autistic gentleman...his run ins with his mum are funny and not able to show direct emotion although heart of gold and loves his mum really:)