Worried about my sanity

[dontaskme]

Am new to this and not sure whether this post belongs here or in Mental Health, so please bear with me.
My DH has always been quiet, not much of a conversationalist and he has no hobbies or pastimes apart from his work (IT), doesn't read much, so not much to talk about. He works away Mon to Thurs, so we have three days together.
I tell him about my week and he'll respond with something along the lines of 'work's OK, had a drink one night, weather has been good, went for a walk, not much more to say really' and that's about it.
We talk about the weather a lot, we watch loads of TV - he will never make a comment about what's on the screen, just watches - and he spends hours doing jigsaw puzzles. He likes going for walks with the dog and will go to the cinema, pub etc if I suggest and organise it.
We have just moved to a 'new' house - Victorian terrace, our third move. This house has broken floorboards, a 60-year-old bathroom and needs a serious facelift. He said he wanted a challenge - now he says he can't face it and says I should take charge of all the work. Says he is 'no good' at talking to or sourcing tradesmen.
Now, we have been here before. Years ago, faced with yet another shithole house, I got quotes, made suggestions and offered to get the work done. At the time he was annoyed that I 'had all the ideas' and said it was up to him to have ideas etc.
I knew this would happen and didn't want to buy another ruin, he wouldn't contemplate a newish house.
I am so frustrated and lonely with the silences, what I see as passivity and the frustration of living in a grubby old house. I am an educated, intelligent woman and really enjoy making a home and making progress, but I feel I am up against a stone wall. I am now seriously worried about my mental wellbeing as I seem to alternate between being very depressed (ie quiet and compliant, not nagging etc) or fiercely angry with fantasies of running away/hitting him.
I think DHs passivity is almost aggressive in its effect on me.
Background is his mum wore the trousers, his dad was a passive part-time transvestite, his first wife long-term depressive. I have had two long-term relationships coloured by physical and emotional abuse. I married DH because he is such a 'nice' man and he kind and generous, kind to my adult DS etc.
Seriously think I am going mad here and have lost all motivation to do anything myself.
Sorry about this long rant but have no RL people to talk to.

Lollipop - have replied to your PM.
Thank you Sea - will look into this now.

Do you think Roy Cropper is autistic? I'd never thought of that before.

OP, in your position I couldn't bear it. The silences would make me scream. I want someone who has an opinion and who doesn't begrudge me for having good ideas and some motivation.

Oh and I couldn't bear someone who gave me an allowance, no matter how generous. It's pocket money, isn't it?

Sorry yes...toddler on knee...not ADHD but ASD (Autistic etc.) . being more foolish than usual.

Still, even if it gives a reason for his behaviour it does not mean you will find him any easier to live with!

oh yes Imperial his mum said in one episode to Hailey (Roy's wife) that Roy never spoke until he was 5yrs old...I was praying they would do the whole 'man dx with ASD' senerio to draw attention to it...as Roy is so sweet:) wont break rules, loves trains, likes routine, speaks in a wonderful way, is his 'own' person not led by others will be very literal and factual, not a touchy touchy person, same clothes all the time...he's lush!

Doc Martin is playing and AS man very well too:)

an

look at the gait, facial expressions, no humor, but very funny without trying!

Just a reminder, dontask, that the reasons why your H is like this are immaterial. Facts are he won't change, he holds you back and you're unhappy.

Some AS people are so sweet you feel motivated to work around the disability. Some are bastards. I'm pretty sure X2 has Asperger's but that doesn't excuse his lying, misogyny and general horridness. It must also be said that many perfectly normal people have left perfectly harmless Aspies because it's so damn hard to live with. A partner's disability doesn't oblige you to suffer a miserable life.

Many Personality Disorders look like autism to the uninitiated; I think it's a bit dangerous to assume ASD when a mumsnetter posts about their boring, head-fucking partner.

Oh I agree GB and I am the first to be fucked off when anyone says 'my dh must be AS cause he abuses me' garder garder

But this OP has clearly described some one with 'social communication' difficulties without even me looking at how dh treats OP! Classic difficulties you see in Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I aint even discussed any other aspect GB only poor language and social skills!

Agree you ain't going to change DH but to have the insight/awareness to why does at least help even if OP doesn't want to carry on with relationship. Also if OP can't live with DH and isn't happy then to leave. I was just trying to show OP that what OP described which was so very well detailed classic 'social communication' difficulties!

Thanks, Sea. I agree about Roy Cropper and Doc Martin, too!

Thank you for everyone for all the input. When I have tackled DH about the silences/procrastination/lack of motivation etc he days either 'no good at conversation, never have been' or 'you criticizing me all the time (ie me making suggestions about getting something done) has destroyed my self-confidence' or 'why can't you just relax?'
He is low-key depressed most of the time (I think) which he says is because of 'the way we are' ie no communication/warmth/sex. But it's hard to feel passionate and enthusiastic about someone who is a vacuum. I feel sometimes that all the passion, humour, enthusiasm and creativity I had has disappeared down the big grey hole that is his personality.
My late dad did once say, years ago, that he felt sorry for my DH and he 'has no personality whatsoever'.
My DH has two degrees and holds down a demanding, well-paid job.
However, as you have pointed out, it's me that is unhappy/gets furious so it's me that has to act. Just feel very worn down and guilty.

Don'tast you could tell dh how unhappy you are and would he consider seeing gp to be. Referred to a psychiatrist for assessment of ASD?
Also. Reading books like being married to Mr Spok etc maybe lightbulb experiences for you and lots of these books have good coping strats for the wife also.
It isn't to late to learn social rules at a late age either dh just need to be taught. Them.
But. With little self perception he may not see a problem and refuse.
Then the. Ball is in your court but don't feel guilty about someone else's ways it is their problem you can only try to help them. Gain insight. If your df noticed it back then and by sounds it your dh hasn't changed much....what drew you to him. Inially. I wonder if he was safe bet after. Your other relationships that we're abusive? And you. Maade wrong choice to start with?
Sorry message is oddly written trying to learn to use iPad.

dontaskme,

re your comment:-
"Think I have followed my mum's example as she hated my dad but as he didn't beat her, chase women, get drunk or keep her short of cash, she couldn't complain".

I think you learnt a lot of damaging lessons regarding relationships when you were growing up because we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. It is not altogether surprising that such lessons have been transferred into your own adult relationships. I think you've just swapped one type of abuser for another one albeit a less obvious one - but an abuser all the same. Its more than okay to leave; such men do not change and just drag you down with them.

Counselling for yourself solely would be a good idea as there's a lot of stuff that needs to be unlearnt. Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Thank you. Have to write this down before I lose the thread.
Mentions of Doc Martin struck a chord with me. That not-quite-with-it, spacey, other-worldly 'thing' that he does seems to be common in drama, literature etc. There is always some woman making allowances, rolling her eyes in tolerant exasperation and trying to 'get' him.
My DH used to say, when challenged (by me) that his 'absent-minded professor' mode was 'quite endearing' (some woman had told him so, it seems).
I think I have just swapped one (or more) emotionally unavailable man for another. DH may well be on the autism spectrum, but who among us is 100% 'normal'?
I have thought over the years that DH is sometimes (please excuse up-coming non-PC label) simple-minded. I mean he will look blank when I say something he doesn't get and always seems to be several steps behind. But he is good on factual stuff light maths, IT, maps etc and he can be very kind.
My lightbulb moment is that any abuse going on in my marriage is self-induced. I mean, I knew how he was when we married but thought I could either accept it or change him. Bashing head against brick wall ever since and just hurting self. He is unable to change. I have tried to be less like 'me' IFSWIM, but can't keep it up.
Phew...sorry to go on, but I don't get a lot of conversation in RL!

dontask, I was drawn to your thread because of the title as this is how I feel and my dh is likely to have Aspergers (not formally diagnosed)See a thread call - Can Aspergers looks like emotional abuse.

Your dh and mine could be twins - scary how similar, I would describe my dh as exactly the same I have thought over the years that DH is sometimes (please excuse up-coming non-PC label) simple-minded. I mean he will look blank when I say something he doesn't get and always seems to be several steps behind. But he is good on factual stuff light maths, IT, maps etc and he can be very kind

I used to think dh went into comatosed state sometimes, often if a subject involves emotions. He is also highly sensitive and this appears to be a common trait, so raising issues with him is challenging. Lack of imagination is also an issue, I am the one in the family that has to organise everything, we would have no social life if I didn't arrange everything.

I think the relationship issues become more obvious after a period of time together as it's emotionally draining and the 'issues' are also exaggerated when under stress (snap to the building project!).

I'm not sure what the answer is but good advice on the other thread is that it's important to build your energy reserves for whatever the outcome, staying to together or separation. This is my current approach.

He is unable to change. I have tried to be less like 'me' ...

Any relationship which demands you change your personality is bad for you. Any relationship in which you try to change the other is bad for both of you. You either love your differences, or you're with the wrong partners and need to end it.

I want to clarify, I mean personality not behaviours. A person with messy habits can learn to compromise, as can an overly tidy individual. But if the habits are real expressions of who they are, change is probably impossible. Those two are incompatible.

Please don't think a "diagnosis" means anything other than a label for your problem, dontask. What's more, your H has shown no great unhappiness with the way he is. So what good will a diagnosis do him, even if he were interested in getting one? He's more interested in making YOU change and then, when you (ill-advisedly) try, he wants you to change again.

That's not a good relationship. And it is abusive.

A little bit more about the similarities between Personality Disorders and Autism Spectrum Disorders: both can feature semantic-pragmatic disorders (using the wrong words, failing to get meanings.) Obviously there are big differences as well - and, while I REALLY understand the urge to figure out "what's wrong with him", we still end up with the simple fact that the way he is damages your well-being. Whatever name you give it, the problem is the same for you.

How are you feeling now, dontask? Is your thread helping any so far?

Sorry I think I meant semantic aphasia.

Some great posts on here. Garlic, I think you have hit the nail on the head when you said we still end up with the simple fact that the way he is damages your well-being. Whatever name you give it, the problem is the same for you.

This. Exactly. Hence why my "D"H is now my STBXH

Thanks Allabout and Garlic and you have certainly done your homework.
Have this morning read all the posts on the other thread and didn't realise there were more men out there like mine. The lack of imagination comment rang a bell too - as in 'What do you want for your birthday/Xmas. I have no idea' - and being unable to arrange anything social.
The other biggy is 'forgetting' - jobs, conversations, dates, events. Every weekend is like starting all over again with a stranger as he can't remember that I was going for a doc's appointment, job interview or whatever, so doesn't ask how I got on.
I think I am beginning to accept that he really can't help the way he is - although I take Garlic's point about personality v behaviours.
I suppose the bottom line is whether I can live the rest of my life like this. At the mo I have four days a week to recover my equilibrium but he is talking about cutting his hours or even - shudder - retiring early in a few years. Honestly think I would go mad/die/bash him if I had to do this full-time.
Didn't realise how much I need to get off my chest.
Hope all is manageable for you too.

Oh, and the gazing into space, like being on another planet and gazing over my shoulder all the time he is talking to me,

You say he is unhappy about the lack of communication, yet he doesn't communicate.

Can you say what his ideal partner would be like? How about you? What sort of characteristics would you like in a man?

If you did split up, what would be the consequences? What would your new life be like and what would his new life be like? You don't have children living with you, do you?

I couldn't live with someone as boring as that, OP. I just couldn't do it.

Imperial - Can't really imagine what sort of partner would be happy with DH. It would have to be someone even quieter and less curious about life than him. I used to think if I could make myself somehow smaller, quieter and less like me then I could be happy with him. But then I think I wouldn't like that woman very much - too boring.
I would like to be with someone I could talk to - just to go out for a meal and have a conversation instead of sitting in silence.
I know I could cope with being on my own - I am now really and I am a practical, capable person. DS left home, just the dog and me mostly. That's OK.
Have spent so long trying to understand what's wrong here and believing all the problems are somehow my fault, me bad, him good. Convinced I am the cause of his problems.

Hmmm - does he tell you you're the cause of his problems?

Do you really think that, or have you twisted your mind to believe it?

Does he believe all of the problems are down to you?

When a child leaves home it's often a time where a couple rethink whether they should be together. There's no shame in realising that actually you are more than halfway through your life (I assume) and that your remaining time is precious.

When we live with someone who is silent, we forget what life could be like with someone who actually communicates. We think it's our fault they're so silent or depressed. You know, though, don't you, that he'd be the same with anyone? If he met someone different now, he'd probably have a honeymoon period but within a year I bet he'd be silent again with an unhappy partner next to him.

I'm divorced and would love to meet someone, but only if has particular qualities and doesn't have others. I'm not being fussy, but I know what I can and can't cope with. I'm probably around your age and know I'd rather live alone (which I do now) than live with someone who couldn't communicate. That's why we're alive, in my opinion, to communicate with others.

Not sure I know what a normal/happy relationship should be like anymore. Every man I have ever known - dad, DHes, brothers - have been difficult men. I suppose I feel I am lucky to have someone who does his best and isn't mean or unkind.