Loveless relationship, now pregnant and he wants me to abort :(

[sickoffeelinglikethis]

Firstly, I am a Mumsnet regular since 2004 but have namechanged for this.

I have 3 DC, 2 from ex and 1 from current DP. DP and I have been together for 3 and a half years. The relationship moved very quickly, he moved in with me after 3 months, this was mainly because he was a 4 hour drive away and was also made redundant - so took this as an opportunity to relocate.

Our sex life has never been brilliant. It's great when we do it, but never do it enough as far as I am concerned. Partner says he's shy and finds it hard to initiate it. This has made my shy. He only ever likes sex in the morning. He is a selfish lover at times too! When I have tried to talk to him about this over the course of our relationship he has come up with he needs to relax (we were living in my home which was previously occupied by my ex and me), he needs to get the new house done then he can relax, then he says he just doesn't think about sex or feel like it, then he says maybe he is depressed (which he has been to the doctor about and the doctor says he isn't depressed). I have found out a couple of times through the relationship that he has masturbated.

I fell pregnant 4 months after being together, but this ended in a late miscarriage, I then fell pregnant almost a year later which ended in a late miscarriage. 4 months later I fell pregnant again, and had success with our DS. I have now fallen pregnant again 9 months after giving birth. I am happy about this, but DP wants to terminate. If I carry on with the pregnancy I don't think I will get the support from DP, as he doesn't really do much with DS either. If I keep it, and DP and I split up, I don't know how I will cope alone with 4 DC (I also work part time).

There is no intimacy (apart from the occasional sex - which is what I tend to fall pregnant from), no cuddles, no kissing (apart from the odd peck goodbye or hello), no hand holding - nothing. He might as well be my brother. We argue quite alot about trivial stuff - he seems angry most of the time about anything I might need to talk about.

Basically, I just feel so alone in this relationship. I need attention (as in cuddles, or hand holding) and to feel wanted (sexually). I feel like I am having to cope with so much, my head is all over the place - but mostly I feel so unloved by the person I love. Add this to the fact that I really don't want to terminate this pregnancy - I AM IN A BIT OF A MESS REALLY!

I am sorry if this sounds so garbled.

I am so sorry - you have a lot of extremely painful emotional things to sort out.

You know that you whether or not you keep this pregnancy, you need to end this relationship. You yourself describe it as loveless: you don't to torture yourself by staying with a person who can't or won't give you the affection you have asked him for, and which you know that you need.

It's ultimately your decision to keep the baby or terminate - right now you want to go ahead with the pregnancy. That's your decision made.

Your relationship sounds in the doldrums, I assume you've considered counselling? Do you think your DP wants a termination because he is thinking of leaving?

Have been to counselling, but all we seemed to do was argue. Personally, I don't think the counseller was very good, but it was all we could afford. DP was jobless since July 2011, but started a new job last Monday. He thought she was going to tell him how to sort his life out, but I said to him she is only there to make you think - only YOU can sort yourself out.

I am not sure if he is thinking of leaving, he almost seems happy enough just to have someone around, or maybe because he wouldn't have anywhere to live, as me and the DC would get to keep the house. I think he doesn't want the baby because he knows it would be expecting too much of him (as in helping out). He has said to me that I need to think about whether I could cope. He also said that he will support whichever decision I make - but this means, as long as you abort!!!

We split up a few weeks back (before I found out I was pregnant), well split up, as in as far as I told him to get out, and that I had, had enough. But I love this man, and I just told him to come back. I can't bare the thought of our DS not having his daddy around.

I have found myself saying things like 'you wouldn't even talk to your friends like this'!!!

Deep down I believe this relationship to be over, but for some reason I just can't let go - I love him so much, but don't feel it in return. Sometimes I feel like I am wasted on this man. I am not bad looking, ok I am carry a little bit of extra weight from pregnancies - but nothing too bad. I am a nice, kind, devoted, loving & caring person. Why doesn't he want to love me back?

Because he can't, love.

Because only his feelings matter to him.

It doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It's him who is broken.

Hi OP what a lot you have to think about. In three and a half years you have had 4 pregnancies? have I got that right? Were they all planned and was you DP in favour of trying for a baby?

Thank you so much for all your advice.

minimathsmouse the first pregnancy wasn't planned. We had talked about it, but a baby was mean't for further down the line. But the joy and then the pain of the loss, mean't we 'tried' with subsequent pregnancies. But then looking back on that - it almost became an argument in itself. I used to say to him I thought we were trying for a baby, to which he would reply yes, I would then say well you have to have sex for that. It's a miracle that I have fallen pregnant that many times as I am now 40. After we had our DS, I mentioned that we should have another - he replied with 'let's see what happens'. In the few times that we have had sex - we never used contraception (obviously).

if you want thebaby keep the baby - you will find a way around the practicalities
but obviously dont count on your "p"

coz it sounds like you beter of without him

HotDAMNlifeisgood can hear what you are saying. Selfish really. Just lately, all he seems to care about is repairing his motorbike (which will save on petrol to and from work ultimately) and looking on eBay for parts for it - all of which we can't afford to be buying anyway. When I say to him about the amount of time he spends on eBay - he just turns it around and says that he is on there because I am always on my phone - which is complete nonsense. But if I say this it just ends up in another argument.

Sickof, it sounds as though the relationship moved to fast for your DP, so although he wanted to be with you at the start he was compelled to push things on quickly and moved in more for convenience than anything else.

He avoids sex and after you had your DS he says "well see" which doesn't sound as though he is actually committed to having more children. You also say that you are 40, do you feel that you would like a big family because you like children or do you love this man so much you want his children or do you feel that time is running out for you?

Sorry about all the questions just trying to help you work through whether the lack of sex is to do with him avoiding pregnancy whilst you need for it is tied up with wanting to have children.

minimathsmouse I did always want a big family - but with the right person & support that goes with having a 'family'. I do love him so much that I do want his children - but it is without his support. I thought time ran out about 3 years ago!!! Oh! gosh I hope that makes sense?

EX P was a selfish man too! Cared more about his own interests than that of his family. I am starting to think I am a pushover and weak.

As he doesn't help much with ds anyway and looking at how he seems and what his attiude is, from what you have said, I think you will find it easier to cope with 4 dcs on your own and part time job, than to cope as you are now with him. Not that it will be easy, but not as hard as coping with all of that and with staying in a relationship and living with him.

I might be projecting I suppose as many of the things you say including him wanting to abort 4th child, are very similar to my experience, or maybe my experience plus reading and getting proffessional help has shown me that certain indicators of a a certain type of man's attitude and behaviour are so similar, that in these circumstances someone in your position, and your children will better off without him. (maybe not explained very well).

Anyway, ime, leaving when youngest one year old, a part time job plus four kids including one year old, coping after ending the relationship and leaving, was easier for me and better for the children than staying, and looking back it would have been better for all of us (except him), if I had left at the stage you are at now

a1b2 Thank you for your reply. Tell me to get lost, but can you explain a little bit more about your experience. You mention certain indicators of a certain type of man's attitude and behaviour. I would be ever so grateful if you could elaborate.

minimathsmouse just re-read your post. I wanted to add that my need for sex is wanting to feel close to the person I love and to feel wanted by him.

I'm just going to look over your posts so I can give a considered and hopefully not too garbled answer.

Your not a push over and your not weak, you sound like a lovely person and your DP probably is too. Lots of women on MN will spout "nasty man, selfish pratt.........."I feel that is not the problem.

A man who says "we'll see" and then avoids sex is not a man keen to have more children. He sounds unhappy and I think it stems from the fact that he feels his life is one, of short term gain and long term pain. ie he doesn't plan for the long term he just sees life as a series of problems to be overcome. So he moves in, if he wants to stay put he has to have a child........now he has a child, he gets a job.......so in his mind that's the deal. Now the goal post move.....more children, more financial commitment, he can see less and less of the kind of life he would ideally like. He distracts himself with his motorbike , few years down the line it'll be something else.

minimathsmouse he avoided sex before birth of DS too! He only got a job, because I was getting fed up of everyone asking me 'if he'd had any luck' when he wasn't even looking, and me having to make excuses for him. So I said he needed to get a job and stop pretending that he was looking, I even looked for him and told him there were several jobs he could apply for. In the end he managed to pull a couple of interviews out of the bag the next day, then landed one of those jobs and started within a couple of weeks.

When you say a few years down the line it'll be something else, do you mean another woman?

No not another women, just anything to distract himself. I don't think he's clinically depressed either, like his GP said. If your DP thinks he is depressed, he's probably unhappy.

I am thinking, what with this new job as well. Which he has to get up for at 6am. When are we supposed to have sex now seeing as he only likes it in the mornings - apparently. I can't see my life without him, yet I can't see me living without intimacy for the rest of my life either. I don't want to get to 65+ with this him and look back with regret!

minimathsmouse he says he's not happy with the amount of weight he has piled on since being together, he used to be 12 and a half stone and is now just shy of 16 stone. But he's not fat, just larger. Whenever he has felt self conscious over this, i've always told him that he looks good to me. The other thing he's not happy about is the fact that I have told him to get out and leave during many arguments. He has actually only left once, which was a couple of weeks ago, that I mentioned earlier. He says he can't trust me because of telling him to get out. But other than this he doesn't mention anything to be unhappy about. We could all want more as in money, things, less worry etc etc Our neighbours have asked me quietly, if he hits me, because obviously they hear us arguing - he doesn't hit me.

Hi, OP. I was in a relationship for 5 years that had a lot of similarities to yours. I prayed I would realise one day that I had fallen out of love with him, it was the only way out for myself I could think of!

You are pregnant and you naturally want stability, he for his part is being lazy in the relationship and seems to have wasted the counselling opportunity. I think you must prepare to be strong and plough your own furrow, possibly without him. You will find intimacy (and hopefully mutual respect) with someone again, don't fear that. Good to hear your neighbours are looking out for you.

sickof, I am aware of not neccessarily good idea to recommend someone to leave partner, on a few words on internet and this is someone's life, only you know the full situation and can balance everything up in your mind and decide.

I have noticed though that you have already told him to leave and split up for a short time and wonder what the reasons were to tell him to go and if those problems prompting you to tell him to go are still there?

The indicators I mean are ones which are what I think are called red flags to possible future bad relationship or abuse, but like anything I suppose having certain symptoms doesn't mean in all cases where they are seen disaster will follow.

So, indicators

1. Relationship moved very quickly, he moved in quickly. Was that his idea or yours?

1. You feel unloved due to him not wanting sex (can be the opposite, man persuading, demanding excessive amount of sex, thats what it was for me but reluctant to give too many other personal details due to public forum)

1. You've said to him he wouldn't talk to his friends like that - what do you mean? how does he speak to you? (trying not to ask a leading question)

1. Your impression that he stays cos nowhere to go etc. does it seem that all he is bothered about is how things effect him, rather than you? Another example, he might want to abort due to being expected to help with new baby.

I might be able to think of other things, but sleep deprived and not the most articulate person at best of times and have to be careful not to be blunt in the way I speak. So if think of anything will post again. And if you want to ask anything I will try to answer to best of ability!

Would it be fair to say then that he lacks ambition, focus, sex drive, confidence, security and self-esteem?

He seems to be someone who just drifts, goes with the flow, makes no effort but plenty of excuses. The sort of person who might feel overwhelmed with responsibility and feels he is at the mercy of events rather than in charge of his own life.

He doesn't like being overweight but fails to sort this out, he doesn't have a job but gets one when he's pushed into it. He doesn't want more children but he doesn't use a condom, instead leaves it to chance. He doesn't want to leave but you put him out, he doesn't know what he wants but he comes back. He wanted the first child but doesn't help to look after it. I guess when all is said and done and the kid doesn't have daddy there for him everyday, when you are broken and tired, emotionally drained and upset at having the abortion, this man will just sit back and think "we'll what could I do, I'm the victim here."

Tmesis101 I think this way, as in wish I could fall out of love with him. Can you explain more about the relationship you had?

a1b2 reasons for splitting up last time, were because when we try to talk about stuff, he just bats back, I am sick of feeling like this is all my fault. He makes out like all of this is my fault. His lack of desire to have sex, has left me feeling very insecure about myself. When I say this to him, he says its not me. We went through a patch of not having sex for about 3/4 weeks, he has two daughters one of whom is on facebook, I said that your DD has put up a pic of her mum, and showed it to him. The next morning we had sex. I secretly cried, because I felt like the only reason we had sex was because he had seen a pic of her. Now I know that this thought was irrational, but obviously he could see something was up, and asked me later in the day, so I told him - he went ballistic, saying how dare I think like that etc etc.

He doesn't understand how his lack of affection & attention towards me, makes me feel. If I want a cuddle I have to go to him, then it'll be he's busy, or start shaking his hip telling me he's had enough after 5 seconds. This makes me feel so rejected or stupid for picking the wrong time. If I want to cuddle on the sofa I have to get up and sit next to him.

oh minimathsmouse you paint such a dim picture of him, but yes you are so right! He once said to me, that he is used to life just letting him down - this was after the 2nd miscarriage. I do often say to him, what do you want from this relationship, it is usually met with a comment about something else. I do feel very broken, tired & emotionally drained. I am so upset at the thought of having to have an abortion, it's like reliving the miscarriages all over again as well.

When he comes home from work, I say 'have you had a good day', and he just generally mumbles 'yeah!' He never asks me about my day. So this makes me feel like he just interested in what DS & I have been doing. As my name change says I am sick of feeling like this.

Sorry if I am going on and on. I don't have anyone in RL to talk to. In many ways, I am quite a private person with regards to discussing relationships because I believe it is between the individuals, but this has gone beyond my coping abilities and am desperate for advice.