Loveless relationship, now pregnant and he wants me to abort :(

[sickoffeelinglikethis]

Firstly, I am a Mumsnet regular since 2004 but have namechanged for this.

I have 3 DC, 2 from ex and 1 from current DP. DP and I have been together for 3 and a half years. The relationship moved very quickly, he moved in with me after 3 months, this was mainly because he was a 4 hour drive away and was also made redundant - so took this as an opportunity to relocate.

Our sex life has never been brilliant. It's great when we do it, but never do it enough as far as I am concerned. Partner says he's shy and finds it hard to initiate it. This has made my shy. He only ever likes sex in the morning. He is a selfish lover at times too! When I have tried to talk to him about this over the course of our relationship he has come up with he needs to relax (we were living in my home which was previously occupied by my ex and me), he needs to get the new house done then he can relax, then he says he just doesn't think about sex or feel like it, then he says maybe he is depressed (which he has been to the doctor about and the doctor says he isn't depressed). I have found out a couple of times through the relationship that he has masturbated.

I fell pregnant 4 months after being together, but this ended in a late miscarriage, I then fell pregnant almost a year later which ended in a late miscarriage. 4 months later I fell pregnant again, and had success with our DS. I have now fallen pregnant again 9 months after giving birth. I am happy about this, but DP wants to terminate. If I carry on with the pregnancy I don't think I will get the support from DP, as he doesn't really do much with DS either. If I keep it, and DP and I split up, I don't know how I will cope alone with 4 DC (I also work part time).

There is no intimacy (apart from the occasional sex - which is what I tend to fall pregnant from), no cuddles, no kissing (apart from the odd peck goodbye or hello), no hand holding - nothing. He might as well be my brother. We argue quite alot about trivial stuff - he seems angry most of the time about anything I might need to talk about.

Basically, I just feel so alone in this relationship. I need attention (as in cuddles, or hand holding) and to feel wanted (sexually). I feel like I am having to cope with so much, my head is all over the place - but mostly I feel so unloved by the person I love. Add this to the fact that I really don't want to terminate this pregnancy - I AM IN A BIT OF A MESS REALLY!

I am sorry if this sounds so garbled.

I'm sorry,IMO, not only you can't help him, but if you try it's a waste of emotional energy and will make you feel exhausted.

I have 3 DC Aged 10, 8 & 9 months ish (2 from previous relationship) 1 with him. He has 2 DDs Aged 20 & 12.

a1b2 am already exhausted. Its just so wearing on me all the time.

He sounds very cold and selfish towards you. You say in your op that you don't really want to terminate the pregnancy. If you then go ahead with a termination you are more than likely going to regret it and will have to live with those feelings for the rest of your life. Dont let this selfish b@stard put that onto you. If he doesn't stick around then frankly you are well rid of him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-abortion or anything butI just worry from what you say in your op that deep down you want to keep this baby - if that's true then it will only break yor heart if you go ahead with a termination. I do understand your fears as to how you would cope alone with 4 dc but. Think the heartbreak of terminating a baby you want would be much much worse, and really, if you already have 3 dc then what's one more mouth to feed? X

sorry should have said even more exhausted! can imagine dealing with him is very wearing.

He has someone to wash his pants and cook for free- that's enought for some people.

Think is there is nothing you can do to save it and I think you know it's over. Repairing a relationship cannot be done unilaterally. I wish I'd known that when I've tried only to realise the only person doing the legwork was me.

He also comes across as someone with low self esteem and expectations,particuarly of other people. There is a tendency for those to think that anybody who cares for them also is worthless.
Ultimately life is too short and it looks like you would be much better of as co-parents than in a loveless relationship.

Hi! Have had to turn off computer and erase today's history. He'll be home soon. He doesn't like Mumsnet, he says that's where I get all my strange ideas from and has even gone as far as likening it to the Jeremy Kyle show. I have no family close by, parents are 2 and a half hours away. I now I would need some emotional support. I do not ask friends or anyone for help either.

I used Mumsnet mostly for the support during my losses as he was shutdown.

Will be reading and trying to post this evening.

Please keep advice coming, even if it's to say we're at the end.

It's all very much appreciated.

He has already said to me that if we split he would cut contact with all his children.

It seems that you began flogging the dead horse of your 'relationship' shortly after he moved in with you and if you thought that having a dc together would change him, you've been proved wrong.

surely, if he wanted to be with me then that should be enough motivation? He is with you and he is what he is. The only way you'll find out if he has any motivation to change is if you boot him out and let him fend for himself for a change.

He might then realise that he does want to be with you for reasons other than his own convenience.

If he subsequently professes his undying love for you, you should be aware that selfish arseholes always put their needs first and you'd be ill-advised to believe what he says and judge him solely on what he does.

As for How can I help him to make this work? you can't, but you can work on yourself and stop using 'but I love him' as an excuse for puttting up with an unsatsfactory and unfulfilling relationship that has brought you down, changed your open nature to a shadow of it's former self, and is no doubt negatively impacting on your dc.

Stop wasting your life on this self-absorbed man, honey, and start living it to the full otherwise you will get to ripe old age full of regret.

IMO 'if only' are the saddest words in the English language - make sure you don't have cause to make them your epitaph.

You have said you don't want to terminate, stick to what you want. How cruel of him when you have lost babies to try to get you to abort this one. Do not let him persuade you, If you do what he wants it will not make him stay or love you as you deserve to be loved.

You have to erase the history and turn off your computer 'because he'll be home soon'.

That says it all, doesn't it?

If you continue in this 'partnership', the future will pan out exactly like the present and the past and you'll continue to exist in the soul-destroying vacuum of knowing that your life could be so different 'if only'.

I'll put money on him staying a1b2.

Where else is he going to be able to live in comfort on his terms and, more pertinently, who else would put up with a selfish knob who, as Crunch has said, sucks the joy out of the air around him?

I don't think you can change him but I suspect he will stick around even if you have the baby. Most do. In time you can work on your relationship and if it isn't working or things haven't improved you can call it a day.

My concern would be having to terminate a baby I wanted, getting no emotional support or acknowledgement of my loss and my sacrifice and later being blamed because the other person didn't really want to share the burden.

You have years ahead to sort out the relationship if you really can't live without him but if you terminate the baby you'll could have years of regret and he might up sticks and leave anyway.

Interested to know how this story turned out for you...

Do you now have a lively 8 year old, or did things take another course altogether?

I have to say, my first thought was "I wonder if this man might be gay, and perhaps doesn't even realise it himself yet?"