Loveless relationship, now pregnant and he wants me to abort :(

[sickoffeelinglikethis]

Firstly, I am a Mumsnet regular since 2004 but have namechanged for this.

I have 3 DC, 2 from ex and 1 from current DP. DP and I have been together for 3 and a half years. The relationship moved very quickly, he moved in with me after 3 months, this was mainly because he was a 4 hour drive away and was also made redundant - so took this as an opportunity to relocate.

Our sex life has never been brilliant. It's great when we do it, but never do it enough as far as I am concerned. Partner says he's shy and finds it hard to initiate it. This has made my shy. He only ever likes sex in the morning. He is a selfish lover at times too! When I have tried to talk to him about this over the course of our relationship he has come up with he needs to relax (we were living in my home which was previously occupied by my ex and me), he needs to get the new house done then he can relax, then he says he just doesn't think about sex or feel like it, then he says maybe he is depressed (which he has been to the doctor about and the doctor says he isn't depressed). I have found out a couple of times through the relationship that he has masturbated.

I fell pregnant 4 months after being together, but this ended in a late miscarriage, I then fell pregnant almost a year later which ended in a late miscarriage. 4 months later I fell pregnant again, and had success with our DS. I have now fallen pregnant again 9 months after giving birth. I am happy about this, but DP wants to terminate. If I carry on with the pregnancy I don't think I will get the support from DP, as he doesn't really do much with DS either. If I keep it, and DP and I split up, I don't know how I will cope alone with 4 DC (I also work part time).

There is no intimacy (apart from the occasional sex - which is what I tend to fall pregnant from), no cuddles, no kissing (apart from the odd peck goodbye or hello), no hand holding - nothing. He might as well be my brother. We argue quite alot about trivial stuff - he seems angry most of the time about anything I might need to talk about.

Basically, I just feel so alone in this relationship. I need attention (as in cuddles, or hand holding) and to feel wanted (sexually). I feel like I am having to cope with so much, my head is all over the place - but mostly I feel so unloved by the person I love. Add this to the fact that I really don't want to terminate this pregnancy - I AM IN A BIT OF A MESS REALLY!

I am sorry if this sounds so garbled.

You poor thing. He had unprotected sex with you, knowing you wanted a baby and saying "we'll see" and now he wants you to abort? I don't think you will be happy if you do. The relationship will be as sad as it is now with an added barb.

Don't worry at all about going on and on, people wouldn't post if they didn't want to, and you add more information with what you say.

I think it might help to go to a counsellor on your own, although if you find it isn't working with a particular one then find another one.

I am very angry with him even though I don't know him that like toddlerama said, he had unprotected sex, knowing you wanted a baby and now he wants you to abort! And I agree the relationship will be as sad as it is now (not heard the term barb before, but get the jist of what it means) and you will be grieving for another baby that you wanted.

You are so upset at having to have an abortion, sickof you do not have to have an abortion. A woman's right to choose is usually it seems to me used as a woman's right to choose to abort, but it works the other way, it is your right to choose not to abort.

He sounds so dreary, so joy-sucking.

I think your relationship is over. Neither of you are happy, he is also spectacularly unable, it seems, to have any perspective on why he is a misery, how he can stop it.

You say you love him, but what does that mean? It's easy to get to the point where you can't imagine life without even a partner who is manifestly wrong for you. Having several kids just makes the pressure to stay bigger. But. I don't think you will ever sort this out, and I think pretty soon you are going to move past the 'But I love him' into imagining how good your life could be without him draining it out of you.

I think the sooner you move forwards into planning a life without him the better. I think the difficulties you imagine will still be better than this mental drudgery.

You should not abort : that is one thing you should NEVER do unless YOU are certain that's what you want.

OP, you asked a bit more about my similar relationship. There was almost no sex, he had erectile dysfunction, he very rarely initiated sex and only when he was drunk and fell asleep after a few minutes. He made me feel stupid and shallow for wanting sex and put the responsibility on me for satisfying myself, he didn't even offer to join in.

I loved him to distraction, I'm crying as I type this, it was the most tragic waste. I would have stuck with him until we died but I realised that he really just didn't care about my feelings. Simple but awful truth. So I left him, loneliness and nothing was better than the daily torture of being undesired by him.

Now I have found someone else, a man I love, respect and admire more than anyone I have ever known, I have huge hopes for us. Hope not too much information, wishing you all the best.

He went ballistic when you told him you thought he only had sex because of seeing picture of ex. Surely a normal, nice man would be concerned and reassure you that was not the case. Does he go ballistic at other times when you bring things up? When he turns it round to be all your fault. Even the neighbours have heard the arguing and expressed their concern.

Btw, even if he argues quietly, turning it round to be all your fault is grinding you down further and not fair.

OP would it be fair to say that this man, who doesn't like to take responsibility for himself blames other people, blames you?

You see I have this feeling that if you have an abortion, he might blame you for not taking charge of the situation. I also think that if you keep the baby he will blame you for putting more responsibility onto him.

sick of, in counselling, you say you just argued, did he try to make everything your fault then too?

And him wnting the counsellor to sort him out, do you think like mimi says he doesn't like to take responsibility for himself, blames others?

Tmesis101 I'm sorry it made you cry, but very glad to hear of your promising, loving relationship.

minimathsmouse yes, you are right again. Even the simplest things that go wrong, would end up being mine or someone else fault. Either way I am stuck. He wants me to have the abortion, but doesn't want it thrown back in his face when I guess i'd feel low about it. If I have the baby, and struggle (as you would) it would be my fault for going ahead with the pregnancy.

a1b2 yes he did, the counsellor called it batting back (when I had a one to one with her). If I say something is black he would probably say no its dark grey. He does quite often go ballistic when I bring something up about our personal relationship.

When I said to him about being pregnant, initially he was ok about it. Then after a week I thought to myself well maybe he doesn't want it, as he didn't seem to be reacting normally. Last Wednesday I started to have a bleed (not so much of a bleed but brown discharge) I thought the pregnancy was ending - I had a really crap day as well with work. I told him later when the children had gone to bed and after he had finished his eBaying episode, that I think I maybe miscarrying - he said nothing, so I took myself off to bed. He came up about half an hour later, and asked me what I was thinking, I said I didn't know my head was all over the place, so said to him 'what was he thinking!' he said well at least we don't have to make any difficult decisions. Had an emergency scan on Friday morning and everything is ok with baby. So I said you do want the baby, don't you? he said It's not about want, we have to think long and hard about the practicalities of it. I said, well if you 'want' then this out ways practicalities because you just manage. So we sat down, he said 'Our life won't be as we know it!, we won't be able to go for bike rides (although this is something we used to enjoy immensely as a family, we haven't for nearly two years anyhow), where is everyone going to sleep?' We have a 3 bedroom house (on the small side) but my DD's bedroom has a spare bed in already for when his DD comes to stay when she feels like it. My 2 DS's are in one room already. So I said that we would cope.

Lots of times I say things like - when are you going to take responsibilities for your own actions? or I can't take this anymore I give up, or I am telling you that the way you treat me is hurting me - he will reply with 'right!!!'

"at least we don't have to make any difficult decisions" just smacks of him trying to avoid being an adult.

"we won't be able to go for bike rides" even though you don't, I get the feeling again that he feels like he is passive in his own life.

The angry outbursts and withdrawal of warmth and affection seem to be his way of asserting himself. He only wants sex in the morning......too early,your busy, he goes to work at 6am. But at 9pm when you want a hug he turns his back on you. These are things he feels he has control over, it's passive aggressive behaviour. Its the usual response of someone who feels ineffective and impotent in their own lives, incapable of making descisions they force others to, so they can blame someone else.

Its a bit like a game with 50/50 odds which is why I think relying on him or doing what he thinks is right won't be right for either of you.

How can I help him to make this work?

so he hasn't thought ahead before about where a baby would sleep, you have a solution.

Only thing about the "right" I can think is he's not bothered about what you are saying, it's just a nuisance to hear it. IMO. And sometimes people say right when they don't agree with your reasoning but don't want to challenge you. Depends how it's said really.

Going ballistic - he hopes you'll stop bringing things up to talk about if you want to avoid him going ballistic.?

And agree with minithe 16.04

You can't help him to make this work. IMO

I can't really explain the way he says 'right' but its in a oh! riiiigggghhhttt kinda way. Don't think that has come across very well.

Yes because of his anger, I have avoided speaking about things to him in the past. But I am not a secretive person as in I can't hide my feelings very well. So he'll ask whats wrong constantly until I break and tell him. But then he gets annoyed immediately saying that he knew something was wrong so why didn't I say, instead of making him constantly ask me whats wrong. But it is only because he gets angry at stuff that I don't say in the first place.

a1b2 you really think I can't help him to make it work?

Do you think its over, I mean be honest, am I being silly, kidding myself that one day this man may love me the way I deserve to be loved?

This man isn't going to change his ways; he has no motivation and no reason to change and, to that extent, yes, you are kidding yourself that one day he'll love you the way you want him to.

How does he behave with the dc you already have and, in particular, his own own dc? Is he a 'hands-on' dad?

izzy no not really. Can't tell you the last time he made a bottle, bathed, fed, or even dressed his DS. He's more interested in going on the internet or tinkering with his bike in the shed. He does give him a bottle occasionally but usually when he can say I've just about had enough, so more out of guilt. With my 2 DC he is quite strong in discipline, sometimes over the top (which I do talk to him about). However, when DSD says jump, he does - but to be fair he's discipline is strong with her too at times!

When you say he has no motivation to change, surely, if he wanted to be with me then that should be enough motivation?

imogen I don't want to terminate, I'm currently 7+1 weeks.

but usually when he can see (not say) I've just about had enough

Can I just clarify - you have 3 children and he has 1 daughter from a previous relationship? How old are the dc's? It does sound very stressful