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Original poster

Can I get some advice about infidelity and being sure you would never cheat?

70 replies

Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:18

Quick background, DH and I together for 14 years, 3DC.

I discovered his affair on xmas day which had been ongoing for 9 mths (only physical once but in phone/text conversation for the duration with plans to meet at a hotel)

I kicked him out and filed for divorce. I have had mass pressure to give it another go from friends, family etc. You've been together so long, you've got kids, you're such a good couple, he's sorry, everyone makes mistakes being the main reasons.

We have in the last week been talking about things (not with a view to getting back together, from my point of view there is probably a 95% chance I couldn't take him back).

This kind of sealed it for me though. We were talking about trust and he said "I don't feel like I deserve you to trust me again, I can't promise you that in 5 years time if a gorgeous woman came on to me and I knew I wouldn't get caught that I would say no".

To me this is a huge red flag and that 5% has just gone out of the window. But he and others have said 'well nobody can ever say they wouldn't cheat or would say no in that situation, you never know what will happen'.

I feel like I can say I wouldn't do it. I think other people could say that too. Surely thats what you're promising when you get married. And if he did cheat again well wouldn't it just be a case of 'well I did tell you I might!'

Opinions?

OP posts:
TooEasilyTempted · 04/03/2012 21:20

Yep, red flag, and tbh it doesn't sound much like he wants to get back together with you.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:24

Tooeasilytempted, that is exactly how I took it.

Together with the 'i don't feel I deserve you, I didn't think I was capable of doing something like this, I don't know who I am'....all of that sounds to me like 'Im actually too weak to just say I don't think we should be together'

OP posts:
UtherTheTerrible · 04/03/2012 21:25

He's admitted that he would give into temptation again and that he can't promise you he won't be unfaithful- despite the fact that he could lose his marriage and the opportunity to come home to his family (his children) every day. I'm not going to rant about what a bastard he is because I think he's done you a favour by telling you this, because now you know for sure that you're doing the right thing by not taking him back.

Also, it's really easy for everyone to get stuck in and tell someone else what to do. But they're not the ones that have to live with the consequences, you are. And when it's not you that it's happening to it's easy to feel all sympathetic for the cheater and tell the cheated-on to show forgiveness and give out second chances. Requires no effort on their part and they get to see a nice happy ending. You're doing the right thing by not letting them dictate your choices.

joanofarchitrave · 04/03/2012 21:34

I think he's trying to be honest. I think that's quite helpful as he is telling you the truth about himself.

I have to say that i wouldn't ever say that I KNOW I would never be unfaithful; life is uncertain. I could imagine, for example, that if dh and I had not had sex for years and he was no longer interested in having sex with me, but still wanted to live with me, I might ask for an open marriage. However, I feel I can say 100% that the scenario of 'a gorgeous man coming on to me' would not be enough to get me to be unfaithful to my dh. Clearly you feel the same.

It sounds as if all the pressure you have experienced is making you doubt yourself. Even if all of them would put up with their partner shagging other people, you don't have to.

It's slightly odd the way he puts it. He probably would get caught, he did this time. Realistically you could never be certain you wouldn't get caught. What's he on about? Just about worth questioning him on this, but really, I would say trust your own knowledge of yourself. As for all the pressurisers, ask them about their experience of infidelity in their family. I can certainly say my father's inability to leave other women alone has affected me.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:34

Uther, I know but thanks for saying it. I'm getting ground down by others around me at the moment who do this whole shocked face thing when i say i've filed for divorce.

Is it normal for men to think that you can carry on being friends though? He phones up for chats, wants us to go on a 'family' holiday this year, is talking about us doing the usual things we do in the holidays 'oh I still want you to come along to x, everyone would miss you if you didn't'. Thats weird no?

OP posts:
mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:35

Oh dear OP, he's cheated but can't catagorically say he won't again? ummmm, come on now. How on earth could you possibly go forward with the forgiving process knowing this? He's been very honest (in this instance) and it's that he probably will again.

Sorry sweetheart it's a dump him from me. Sad

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:38

Oh i'm dumping him alright! I just thought i'd better hear him out first.

He didn't say anything to change my mind put it that way Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:39

And why are people so shocked that i've filed the divorce papers already. Is it usual to wait a few years etc?

OP posts:
annieatnofour · 04/03/2012 21:42

Oh iam sorry OP , it would be a huge red flag for me that he cant say he wont cheat again.

In my opinion you would never be settled after that - waiting for it to happen again , and you deserve better than that.

I can honestly say that i would never cheat - my xH did it to me, so i know the pain it causes, and i would never knowingly inflict that on anyone else.

So sorry you are going through this xx

LiarsWife · 04/03/2012 21:42

Sorry.. If you are married and part of that is being faithful to your spouse even if Brad Pitt wanted to sweep you off of your feet you'd say sorry but I can't as you take your vows seriously x

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:47

That was a very wise move pantone. Who was shocked? Need to go take a better look at the other posts. Not sure this site is very good at the RL stuff in as much as talking to you through it. Everyone likes a drama big time on here and doesn't reply when you actually still need the support.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 21:47

Your husband sounds like a dick. If somone who has cheated can't at least try to never do it again, why the fuck would you listen to a word they say ?

The "pressurisers" sounds like apologists for dick's behaviour

You do what you want

Fuck the rest of them

There is no more to say

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:49

No cozy chats OP. No holidays. No anything, he's still hedging his bets. what a twit! Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2012 21:49

I've heard of people who go on holiday etc with their exes, but it sounds a ghastly idea to me. Your soon-to-be-ex wanting to do the usual things whilst ducking out of the marriage sounds like good old Cake-and-eating-it syndrome.

I don't see why you shouldn't file for divorce straight away if there's no particular reason why you want or need to wait. Perhaps the busybodies are hoping you'll change your mind if it drags on a bit.

oikopolis · 04/03/2012 21:50

Bollocks to all that. If he didn't want to cheat again, he wouldn't. For God's sake, he's not an animal, he has free will!

oikopolis · 04/03/2012 21:53

and i agree with mojito, he is hedging his bets. he's hoping you'll still offer him the warm fuzzy feelings you've always given him, but without him having to invest any actual effort or commitment into the process

things are only "cozy" with people who make you feel safe. that's what coziness is all about... trust and warm fuzzy feelings and feeling secure. he chucked all that away, so he's not entitled to anything but basic civility.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:53

Thank you all.

Yes if he ever gets a tattoo it should be 'having my cake and eating it' its pretty much his motto in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:55

The others are citing 'everything is too fresh and raw to be making permenatnt decisions, there's no reason to get divorced so soon, just sit tight for a while'

It reminds me of that beautiful south song, a little time?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/03/2012 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:57

well there you go OP. Bet he's been a selfish twat most of his life. We get suckered into thinking that there must be some sort of natural human warm thing in there surely. The answer is NO there isn't. Some people are just like robots and you can't change it. Wires have already been connected up there.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 21:57

that is a good song, Pantone, I thonk the lyrics are very clever

stop listening to "the others"

they don't have to live with a cheater

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 21:57

think

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:58

Do it OP and do it now. You can always undo it if that's your wish. But get you and your's protected.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/03/2012 21:58

Ah yes, I like that song, any excuse to link it again.

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 21:59

Divorce the fucker and then see.

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