Can I get some advice about infidelity and being sure you would never cheat?

[Pantone363]

Quick background, DH and I together for 14 years, 3DC.

I discovered his affair on xmas day which had been ongoing for 9 mths (only physical once but in phone/text conversation for the duration with plans to meet at a hotel)

I kicked him out and filed for divorce. I have had mass pressure to give it another go from friends, family etc. You've been together so long, you've got kids, you're such a good couple, he's sorry, everyone makes mistakes being the main reasons.

We have in the last week been talking about things (not with a view to getting back together, from my point of view there is probably a 95% chance I couldn't take him back).

This kind of sealed it for me though. We were talking about trust and he said "I don't feel like I deserve you to trust me again, I can't promise you that in 5 years time if a gorgeous woman came on to me and I knew I wouldn't get caught that I would say no".

To me this is a huge red flag and that 5% has just gone out of the window. But he and others have said 'well nobody can ever say they wouldn't cheat or would say no in that situation, you never know what will happen'.

I feel like I can say I wouldn't do it. I think other people could say that too. Surely thats what you're promising when you get married. And if he did cheat again well wouldn't it just be a case of 'well I did tell you I might!'

Opinions?

I was i this situation, thank god my divorce is almost final. Once I got over the shock of it and thought hard about all the times I had doubts about his behaviour over the years (he works away a lot) I did a bit of detective work and came to the conclusion that he has cheated right from the start, a lot with lots of people and not only that but lies about EVERYTHING (including me and dc) to EVERYONE. So I figure once a cheat - always a cheat and if the moron is that dishonest with the people he is supposed to cherish most then what kind of person is he really and aren't you worth more than that?

So do you know about this affair only because he got caught?

and to turn it around (and not make me look like a blindly-believing idiot)

I don't trust anyone 100%, not even me

but I wouldn't use that 1% against someone, like the bloke in the OP has done

he wants to use that insecurity he is instilling, for his own ends

that is the problem here

Well....i suppose we all have an ability in us to fuck around

How we act on them is a different matter

I'm a single mother, i've been looked on as an "easy lay" by married men

Did i succumb to these charmers?...did i fuck.

Not happening, never would. I couldn't look at myself in the eyes if i did.

Thats my moral code...and i swear by it.

That goes for abusers, or anyone really who doesn't fit into my North South East West, that my son and myself have.

(my compass)

I'm a bitch,!

I think people who've had affairs often want to continue a friendship with the left partner. As AF says, it helps them frame themselves as not a villain. But also it's simply because people have a tendency to want to lose as little as possible, it's selfishness. If one can have the novelty and sexual thrill of a new relationship and also keep the deep abiding friendship and closeness of a former love, that's what that person will opt for. It's up to you OP to take whatever time you need to get this ex out of your system and think about what's best for YOU (probably detachment). He just wants to take take take.

Also, it's really important to bear in mind that cheaters find excuses right at the back of their minds. If you have a conversation with him now where he says, I can't promise I'll be faithful, he will REMEMBER that when, years down the line he shags some girl in some hotel room. He'll remember that you heard that, that you didn't like it but you stayed with him. He'll twist that into a clever little permission and even get to sigh, 'Well I was right, and she heard me, so....'

My mum used to say something very simple to me that it took me dimwitted years to understand: When a man tells you what he's like, LISTEN.

Oh yes I found out purely by accident. Never had a clue beforehand!

AF, yes he is using the purely hypothetical 'if you could cheat and 100% not get caught would you' debate against me.

I just had another reply from him: 'yes you are right, of course you are, it just feels so horrible:('

so does finding out your husband is having an affair on christmas day dear

Your last senstence, says it all, Van

Pantone, your ex is a fuckwit

who wants to be with a fuckwit ?

it kinda rubs off on ya

Vander, exactly, its pretty much explicit permission to do it again!

This is a very good thread for me.

I shall print it off and stick it up somewhere.

And to whoever it was who asked how I knew he hadn't seen her more than once? (sorry have lost that post)

I spoke to the girl on the phone, she had no idea he was married, had kids, he had even lied about what town he lives in. She was more than willing to give up the goods on him and even offered to send me copies of all texts etc from him.

Stay cross OP and have that arse hole on christmas in your thoughts when you sign the papers.

aaw hun, u busted him and now he is trying to charm you so he isn't the bad guy. Now I bet you don't have to think too hard to realise other ways that he has been controlling things at home. I didn't realise for ages just how manipulative (and abusive) my ex is and still can't quite believe how convincing he can be.

He might want to be friends now because he doesn't think you are going through with it, expect things to get real nasty when he realises you are done and he isn't getting his own way this time.

Talk is cheap and his actions have ended the marriage; you're just cleaning up after him and being a good mum. Get a really good lawyer, with second opinions if need be and hold tight - you'll be glad you did :)

For the sake of the argument, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't fall in love with someone else, but I'd like to think that I'd finish my relationship before letting a new one develop.

That's what I asked of ex (he was not unfaithful, btw, as far as I know).

it's still all about him.

I am reading a book by Linda MacDonald, How to help your spouse get over an affair (yes, that fictional man who I wish I was married to).

She says: you, the betrayer, has to 'get it'. You have to 'get' the terrible harm and pain you have caused.
Then, you have to humbly submit to being the healer. That means no evasions, no defensiveness, complete and open honesty.

Hmmmm!

I trust me. I could not have an affair, what man is worth it? Not even Colin.

Everyone else is on their own.

I trust you until I have reason to think differently. Then it's over.

OP, it's over. He is setting you up for his next betrayal "But I told you I couldn't promise to stay faithfull!"

Ditch him and get one who knows their own mind.

My cheating H said those very words to me, OP. He also said that he didn't believe in marriage any more because til death do us part is naive. At the time it was (I think) part of his "it can happen to anyone" defence strategy.

Of course absolutely anyone, dare I say everyone, can be tempted to have an affair, however high they imagine their morals to be, and however loved up they are. But only certain people will act on it (again and again in his case).

And once they've done it and confessed/been found out, either they are utterly ashamed and desperate not to be that person ever again and will do whatever it takes to regain the love and trust of their spouse... or they will say words that mean "I want you back, I don't want to lose you and my comfortable life.... but it was really exciting while it lasted so I might have to do it again when the memory has faded"

Your right to end things once and for all

If he is already saying its likely he would cheat again then you'll only spend rest of your life looking for the evidence as he fully has the intention

So, your "helpful" friends and family...

He's been unfaithful and has lied to both you and the OW for a sustained period of time. And yet you're the one throwing the marriage away?! And how exactly is it "so soon" if it was going on for nine months? It's as though the only problem that needs to be got over is your reaction, not his actions.

Are they giving him helpful advice too? More importantly, there's no chance they could influence your dcs, is there? "Such a shame your mother got that divorce so quickly, a bit hasty."