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Original poster

Can I get some advice about infidelity and being sure you would never cheat?

70 replies

Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 21:18

Quick background, DH and I together for 14 years, 3DC.

I discovered his affair on xmas day which had been ongoing for 9 mths (only physical once but in phone/text conversation for the duration with plans to meet at a hotel)

I kicked him out and filed for divorce. I have had mass pressure to give it another go from friends, family etc. You've been together so long, you've got kids, you're such a good couple, he's sorry, everyone makes mistakes being the main reasons.

We have in the last week been talking about things (not with a view to getting back together, from my point of view there is probably a 95% chance I couldn't take him back).

This kind of sealed it for me though. We were talking about trust and he said "I don't feel like I deserve you to trust me again, I can't promise you that in 5 years time if a gorgeous woman came on to me and I knew I wouldn't get caught that I would say no".

To me this is a huge red flag and that 5% has just gone out of the window. But he and others have said 'well nobody can ever say they wouldn't cheat or would say no in that situation, you never know what will happen'.

I feel like I can say I wouldn't do it. I think other people could say that too. Surely thats what you're promising when you get married. And if he did cheat again well wouldn't it just be a case of 'well I did tell you I might!'

Opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 22:01

That song is my theme tune at the moment.

I may record it and have it play musical birthday card style when he opens the divorce papers Wink

OP posts:
kaluki · 04/03/2012 22:01

Well I can honestly say I would NEVER cheat on DP.

I know how it feels and I couldn't do that to someone I love. It's a question of morals.
He is saying he would cheat on you again if he could get away with it. He's right about one thing - he doesn't deserve your trust.
Its your life - you should ignore everyone else and do what's right for you, which is to move on.

He sounds like an arse and you deserve better than that.

bigheartedwoman · 04/03/2012 22:02

To me, once the line is crossed, thats it.
My moral compass could not nor would not accept infidelity, never mind what friends or family said. They only see the outside, not the heart.

Well done OP for your strength and courage x

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:03

You,ve made me smile OP. Good for you. Sign the papers, go through with it till the end. Then you can sit there with your mission accomplished. Then watch the lily livered arse of a "I may do it again" become the most pathetic creature you have ever laid eyes on. Then you will laugh Grin

VanderElsken · 04/03/2012 22:04

One of the most interesting and depressing things about infidelity is how individual based it is. In my experience, it is far far more important that an individual has reached a point in their life where they feel that infidelity causes more hassle and harm than the joy it provides and don't value its thrill over the security of a relationship. I find this a far greater indicator of fidelity than the perceived 'happiness' of the couple or even the happiness of one of the couple in the relationship. People with very very good marriages have affairs. Why? Because they can and they like it. It's as brutal as that. If he is that sort of man, and has not had a Road to Damascus moment which has revealed to him he wants to try and be something else, nothing and NO ONE can make that cross over for him. I think a lot of men would, if they were being really honest, say the same about a one night stand with no chance of discovery, but truthfully, the very wise know that infidelity harms the cheater in a much more subtle, insidious way than the cheatee. It's almost worse not to be discovered because what is there to stop you doing it again? And again? If someone has not discovered that for themselves and seen its cold vacuity, no one can guide them to it.

I have known people in shitty relationships who are being treated dreadfully be faithful forever and I have seen serial adulterers in marriages with people they absolutely adore. He just seems not to have reached that point where his light's gone off. Maybe he never will. But I would suspect strongly, that someone who makes a comment like that, however honest, has been unfaithful consistently for and in different relationships. The more someone doesn't get found out, the more infidelity is normalised and compartmentalised as a part of life that has no consequences. I am sure you know best, OP, but I would ask how you know for sure that there was only one physical occurrence in 9 months.

So if you wobble occasionally, OP, it's worth remembering that with someone who hasn't reached the point of turning off that light, it's not just the future that could hold nasty lies, it's the past too. You sound much much better than that.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 22:06

Yep. a light went off some time ago

it was the "decent person" light

if you don't want to share your life with a person that isn't decent, get the fuck rid of it

TheSecondComing · 04/03/2012 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 22:08

and weirdly enough I have just had a text re the divorce saying 'it seems so soon and final, can we talk about this?'

I replied 'you had an affair, it doesn't get more final that that'

OP posts:
mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:10

laughs as the joker in the pack are they nuts?

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:10

"at"

VanderElsken · 04/03/2012 22:11

Ha, Pantone, that's a great reply. There's your consequence, DH!

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:11

Soon and final? It's fuck with me and you're gone. Way to go OP.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 22:11

Vander, I do tend to agree with you.

I think sometimes men do it because 'they can' and for no other reason. Not because they are unhappy or unfulfilled or anything else. Purely for the arrogance of 'they can'.

I think that most women I know who have been unfaithful have done so in very unhappy marriages where needs weren't being met.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:15

The arrogance of the male species huh. It won't change until women change it and say bugger off.

VanderElsken · 04/03/2012 22:15

Well, yes, and it's scary to think of that. I know I'm generalising too, that's all I'm doing from my point of view, but I've known women do it just because they could too, motivated by sex/attention/ego/power. I think opportunity and priorities puts paid to that sometimes after kids but I really think it's about individuals.

bigheartedwoman · 04/03/2012 22:15

Sorry, my moral code to me Smile

Pantone, he's a wanker.

You are not, far from it!

He'll spout the same old shite to his next victim, when she wonders what did she do wrong, etc..etc...

In reality, all he will be will be a desperate lothario looking for his next "fix"

And you'll be flying high!Grin

kaluki · 04/03/2012 22:16

TSC of course it is about morals. It is the cheating that is wrong, it is dishonest and hurtful.
If you are in a shit relationship you can leave and then be free to meet someone else. You don't need to lie and cheat.

I'm not naive enough to say DP and I will definitely be together forever (although I really really hope we are) but I will never lie to him and be unfaithful. If it all turned to shit I would leave.

Original poster
Pantone363 · 04/03/2012 22:16

And there's nothing more sad than a playboy gone to seed.....

OP posts:
mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:21

I work in a male dominated environment and was brought up by my father. I still feel that I'm domiated by male psychie all the time. Sorry, went off on a tangent.

The OP is doing the right thing. Divorce him.

UtherTheTerrible · 04/03/2012 22:21

"Is it normal for men to think that you can carry on being friends though?"

I think this pops up at the end of a lot of relationships. It's one of those things that some people do- they don't want to lose the connection and want to keep the attachments even if they don't have the relationship. Personally I think it's selfish of someone to want to do this because some distance is necessary for the other person to move on and boundaries help that. Perhaps for him "Being friends" is more about the fact that he wants and likes having that safe, familiar person there and feels like keeping everything jolly to ease the guilt.

It feels soon and final, I bet, because the power has been taken out of his hands and it's not a nice feeling. He's kept up months of deception and contact with this person without you knowing and I imagine it made him feel in control of everything. That's gone and he feels thrown. If you think he doesn't actually want to be together then perhaps slowing everything down and opening up the lines of communication over the divorce is about making him feel like he had more of a say in it and giving him a boost.

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 22:26

many men want to "remain friends" because they don't want to be seen as the "bad guy"

like, well if she still speaks to me I can't be all bad can I ?

it's all grease for the next relationship, isn't it ?

fuck-all to do with what you want

TheSecondComing · 04/03/2012 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:28

Absolutely in AF's court here, of course he is.

mojitomania · 04/03/2012 22:31

The OP needs to divorce him and then see. Get herself sorted, fuck his emotions, his sadness, his apologies for not commiting.

It's go the fuck away and rise out of the ashes like a phoenix. Then you look at them in the dust and say "blimey what a wanker"

AnyFucker · 04/03/2012 22:32

tsc...do you tell your partner you can't be sure you won't fuck him over ?

if I told my H that, he would say "off you fuck, dear"

and I wouldn't blame him

none of us can predict the future, but hedging your bets against my marriage vows ain't the way to go, for me