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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Foreplay or oral sex....is it important?

95 replies

Emmielu · 04/03/2012 17:01

I think foreplay is important in a couples sex life. Its that intimacy before having sex & like a huge tease. I've always loved foreplay. But for some reason my boyfriend doesnt. I dont know if its a hygiene thing or hes just not that sort of person. I've brought up the subject of oral sex & hes been fine about me giving him oral sex but not really wanted me to. Once i mention him doing oral sex on me he admits he'd like to but cant. Is it that hes never done it before? Has he been told hes awful at it? Is he unsure if i'll like it? I'll be honest, our sex life is for me boring. He loves our sex life but it is literally either me on top or him on top. Even spicing things up like bringing new positions in doesnt do enough for me to say "WOW!" He doesnt think Lube should be used for anything other than women who struggle to be turned on but even then he doesnt think its useful, i've dressed up once for him & he liked that alot. Sex toys are a no. He has told me his previous relationships have been boring, so would i be wrong in bringing new things into the bedroom? If not, how do i go about it? I feel ashamed & slightly slutty knowing how much is out there & how to use it.

OP posts:

BeriBlue · 06/03/2012 14:53

Are you using the Relationship section to hook up, my boy?

TheOriginalNutcracker · 06/03/2012 15:03

LOL @ Leedsboy

It would be a deal breaker for me tbh, and I cant even afford to be choosy, as have been single for ages.

I don't think it is wrong that he isn't interested in just sex, but you are so obviously sexually incompatible that i can't see it working long term.

carmenelectra · 06/03/2012 17:48

I'm being generous here but maybe he is just shy or very inexperience, lacking in confidence.

It sounds more though that he is just boring and selfish in bed.

Yes not everyone likes sex toys or oral sex(but he likes it performed on him though) and vanilla sex is good,as is the ocassional quickie.surely though most sex involves some bloody foreplay or some description!

And since when has using lube been adventourous and why would any man object? Does he think you are turned on by the mere sight of him?

carmenelectra · 06/03/2012 17:51

Oh and settling for this will mean a relationship with a sex life that gets worse as time goes on. Its doubtful that he will turn into some sex machine.

BasilRathbone · 06/03/2012 19:27

I just don't understand why he's worth this much brain space.

Relationships at this stage, should not be so much like hard work.

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/03/2012 13:54

BeriBlue - maybe this should be "Relationships & Find a date".
Leedsboy - nice try love.

I dont like sounding like im basing this on sex cause im not but knowing that im more experienced than him & 2 years younger than him makes me feel more obliged to say "i'll show you how fun sex can be!" Im proud to say that past sex lives for me have been amazing & opened my eyes & im not ashamed to open his eyes but it is literally the ONLY thing wrong. On the outside it seems such a small petty thing but it is a fairly big part of a relationship. I've never been the sort of person who can take it or leave it, if the oppertunity was there with past bf's then id take it. But now it feels like im happy to just be spending time with him whether its in bed or not & i dont even bring sex up.

OP posts:

LunarRose · 07/03/2012 14:52

Do you think you've kinda become just friends?

Either that or he just could have been a bit overwhelmed? If you're not happy bringing up that's ringing more alarm bells than anything you've said at the start

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/03/2012 15:07

Im not sure what it is. Hes started really beating himself up over his weight to the point where he missed his friends birthday meal because none of his shirts fitted him like they used to. Now might not be the best time for me to talk about how i feel about our sex life. Id rather support him in loosing the weight than add another concern onto him. Especially if it is his weight thats making him shy in the bedroom.

OP posts:

LunarRose · 07/03/2012 20:44

Is he alright? That does not sound normal.

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/03/2012 21:00

I am concerned about him now & feel really shit for moaning about sex when he's coming to terms with realizing how unhappy he is with his appearance. He's not had weight issues before so i think its something big for him. I think I need to spend time supporting him now. Thank you ladies & gents for your advice, opinions & questions. It's greatly taken in! Here have a biscuit . Xxx

OP posts:

kmdwestyorks · 16/03/2012 12:26

if he's big then his sex drive might be lower and he probably knows this even if he can't articulate it.

and then he's depressed because he's big and his sex drive is lower and that makes his sex drive even lower.

you're more sexually confident than he is by the sound of it, does he know that and does it knock his confidence even more

I'm not making excuses for him but nobody else had mentioned the weight and sex link. You both need a happy sex life however you get there

I think you do need a lot of frank talk but based on the other stuff he's having to deal with maybe you need to do that with a counsellor in full context of your relationship

DaSmallPunsMum · 15/04/2012 21:00

A lot of men have an issue with the idea of performing oral sex on a woman as they have the old-fashioned notion that it isn't a 'manly' thing to do and something to be ashamed of doing. Others seem to have an issue with the 'fishy smell' that we get so much bad press for down there, which is of course ridiculous if you keep clean. Ask him about both of these things, and if he denies it but your still unsure, suggest you both take a shower together before sex and then gently coax him into it, telling him how much it would turn you on and how it will stay between you two in the bedroom. I can't pass judgement on a man i've never met but your husband sounds very restrained sexually, the fact that you wrote that he said he would like to go down on you but 'couldn't' suggests that he's also scared he wont perform well, like a man who can't dance embarrassing himself. Tell him its a natural thing and when he does it finally give him lots of encouraging moans and stuff, it can really boost confidence. To me, this sounds like a mixture of him being scared he doesn't know what hes doing and scared because he thinks its a yucky or un-manly thing to do that will emasculate him as 'the big man' when you sleep together, thus his obvious restraint in other sexual areas too (he must be thinking, if she wants a sex toy its because im not enough for her etc etc). You must reassure him that hes more than enough but that you are just an adventurous modern woman and own that and be proud of it. Gently but firmly steer him into the arena of what YOU want, reassure him he's doing well, and he won't look back.

Burnett · 26/06/2017 05:45

Get rid.

Redglitter · 26/06/2017 06:00

Ffs this thread is 5 years old

Mackan1 · 26/06/2017 08:56

Well i would say i am a giver rather then a taker as i love it when a woman gets off.

This is where it gets strange. for the 4 years before i meet her she has only been with women (before that she had BF). I have been with her for 4-5 years now. now she does not like receiving oral (due to her past when she was very young). she loves to give oral and i would say i love to give her oral and prob allowed to give her oral around 2x a year, she also said i am the best she has ever had and loves it but due to her past it put her off. we have talked about toys and so on and she is not in to toys and before our son her sex drive was more then mines (which i loved) but now she has none and i under stand this (as the same thing happens with cows and we used to give them calcium to get them back in the mood).

I feel kinda Strange now allowed to give her oral but understand why. even tho i am more DOM and she is more a Sub (Sub have more power a they can stop the session) in the bed room. in the relationship she is more DOM then me. very strange i know.

Angeldt · 26/06/2017 19:37

Some men whilst growing up learn about the vag on the school playground. He may have heard that it is a dirty,rude,ugly,smelly thing that has carried this thought through into adulthood. He might not mind putting ' his dirty, smelly etc etc into yours ' but not his mouth. Has he ever had a close up real look at one to see that it is not that ' thing ' he thinks it is. Maybe start with a mirror , and then work up to hands on .

Barbaro · 26/06/2017 19:54

Havent read further than the first page, but it doesnt sound like you're going to be in a happy relationship with him. If you want oral sex and he doesnt, then thats going to be a bit of a barrier between you.

Personally I'm not bothered by oral sex and my partner hasnt asked for BJ's so it works fine for us. But if it doesnt for you, then thats your choice. Probably best to leave him.

yetmorecrap · 26/06/2017 20:06

I have to be honest and say I only really like oral (both ways giving and receiving) , so whilst I am not up for it al the time, when I am up for it any guy who isnt into that is going to feel short changed!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/06/2017 20:13

oh for pity sake can the pair of you not talk to each other???

That x100

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/06/2017 20:14

Ffs it's a zombie thread

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