My husband is an alcoholic

[finn2]

Do I leave him even though I love him and so does our dd? or do I put up with it and hope it goes away (which I know it won't)

You only need to leave if he doesn't want to get help and that can only come from him.My dp gave up drinking with the help of AA 13/14 years ago and it was the best thing he ever did.BUT he had reached the end with it and wanted a different life it was nothing to do with me or anyone else forcing him (which incidentally had failed in the past many times)I would say he ridicules his friends in AA as he recognises himself and hasn't come to terms with it.Can you speak to him sober?How old is he?

Hi Finn2 - I'm new to MN and have never posted on someone else's thread b4 but I really feel for you in your situation. My P too has a real problem with drink (he doesn't call himself an alcoholic but I do!) and drinks most evenings to try to blot out pain from his past. I've tried talking to him sober, crying, shouting and nothing seems to get through. This week we had a bit of a crisis and for the last few days he hasn't drunk a drop. Not sure what's changed and if it's going to last but at least it's a step in the right direction and shows there could be hope. The only advice I can really offer is that you try to sort yourself out so that you don't feel you have to put up with this forever. I'm getting myself a great new job (I've been a SAHM for a year and half), I've just passed my test (on the fifth attempt!) and I'm going to try to make sure that if he doesn't stop by the time my DD's old enough to realise what's going on I'll be able to leave him and know that I'll be ok. It sounds a bit heartless to think of it that way but I still love him from the bottom of my heart, I just want to make sure I'm in the best position to put myself and DD first. I really do hope you find a way to cope with all of this because I know it's not easy. A first step might be to confide in a good (non-judgemental) friend who can sit and listen when it all gets too much for you.

Hi Finn2 - been thinking of you. its good to hear your writing everything down so you can help get a handle on things. sounds like you are at a crossroads? its so sad to hear he spends at least £30 a night on drink (£7200 a year- thats a mortgage!) and you are on your own all this time. i would say maybe its time for this not to be a secret anymore? its not about betrayal, its about getting help. are you on good terms with inlaws? it maybe worth calling a family meeting with your parents and his or writing them all a letter explaining how sad you are writing this but this is a burden you can no longer carry alone? i wouldn't tell him what you are doing (if you are confident he has no violent tendancies) and then let him face the fact it is no longer a secret which may hopefully mean he can no longer hide and will begin to face reality and not oblivion. he will probably be very angry/in denial/embarrased/upset but by doing this you could facilitate his waking up to what is going on here and what is important. it isn't necessarily the decision of choosing between the bottle and his family, its choosing between not getting help or his family.
i understand there is a big culture for men and drinking, it scares me to death as i have 3 ds's and i can't bare the thought that it is normal for men (and women now) to boast about how P*** they can get and how much you drink equals how good the night is???? and we are surrounded by this culture so i do sympathise that it will be very hard for him to walk away from this lifestyle and the friends that come with it.
the very hardest thing will be making that choice.
once he understands that, he will be free to start getting better or get worse.
what are your plans for the weekend? i hope you get some peace and rest from all of this and truly know there is no shame to be felt, no guilt - you have done nothing wrong. it because we live in such a weird emotionally repressed society. i remember going to a counsellor and as i began to tell her of my mother and the shame i carried, the humiliation, embarrasment and how i thought people must think of us she kept repeating 'its not your fault, its not your fault' and i just broke and sobbed as i began to understand those words. it wasn't about me! because my mother didn't feel the shame i felt it for her, i spent such a long time being the alcoholics daughter that i didn't know who i was, i hated the paranoia of not knowing who knew and some of your post echoes that. what a waste of energy and such a heavy load to carry! its not your load - its his. let us know how you are or cat me if you want xx