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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is an alcoholic

78 replies

finn2 · 29/01/2006 21:14

Do I leave him even though I love him and so does our dd? or do I put up with it and hope it goes away (which I know it won't)

OP posts:
Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 22:11

i strongly disagree with the choice thing, if you don't have the knowledge of how to combat this disease you have no defence against it. A simple matter of will power? Once in recovery, (and i don't mean stopped drinking, i mean well in thinking,) it then becomes a matter of choice. Untill your dh has this knowledge he will be unable to stop. I'm 100% certain that he loves you both with his whole heart and is probably unable to understand how he always ends up pissed. If it was a simple matter of choice who would choose to kill themselves by drinking???? And as for aa not working please explain the millions of people worldwide who have a normal life thanks to it? Please explain gamblers annonymous, narcotics annonymous cocaine annonymous etc etc, all wrong?????

7777777 · 29/01/2006 22:13

i admire you for your strength in recovery yummy mummy, this post must seem quite upsetting for you.

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 22:20

shrub- We had the same childhood. wish i knew you then, horrific childhood memories, but my mum has survived it without my dad leaving her, mostly cos he was away working when the horrific stuff happened. I have survived it too, I am reasonably confident and together, I can't leave without everything blowing up.. I live far away from my parents, they live in rural Ireland, I have to get on with my career, I have to learn how to drive in london, I have to do all these things to empower me. I love my Mum even though she is alcoholic and my husband is not violent, but it still is all sh*t. See I can't do it can I?

OP posts:
merrygoround · 29/01/2006 22:28

Well maybe not all at once, but eventually you can. I used to nip to an al anon meeting in London during my lunch break from work, and it gave me a space to think about what I wanted to do and to focus on myself instead of on my dps drinking. Don't be hard on yourself, this is real horrible life, and won't be easy. Give yourself time and permission to be undecided - you are not likely to stop thinking about the situation, and nor (sadly) is the situation likely to go away of its own accord.

Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 22:29

Its not upsetting for me now its just frustrating a bit! I also lived with an alcholic/ addict for three years prior to getting help myself it was really destructive. Ds1's dad, ds2 has different dfad the one that's in recovery. Finn2 has even better chance of a happy life as its not her as well only dh that's got the problem. But this disease takes no prisoners!! It doesn't care about your mortgage/ driving lessons etc it will take all that without a second glance. Get out now while you've still got the chance Finn2!!!!! The releif you will feel with be amazing when you let it all out. Take your power back this illness is holding all the cards. You're playing to its tune and have been for a long time. Telling the truth will give you the stregth you need to do the right thing. Please trust what i'm saying honesty is what it hates that's why it's tricked you into being dishonest, like i said it takes no prisoners. This may sound dramatic but i know what the endings were for me.

shrub · 29/01/2006 22:33

sorry yummymummy24 - not made myself clear. what i mean is i don't subscribe to the AA belief that alcoholism is an illness. My own personal interpretation of it is that i believe for my mother it was a choice. you can translate this into unresolved issues or that i haven't fully forgiven her but what i still don't understand is that the alcoholic walks into the off licence/shop/supermarket/pub sober. i think this country has a very strange relationship with alcohol, i also feel that part of the problem is bad coping mechanisms that are taught from one generation to the next. When i get stressed i try to walk/swim/meditate or talk it away (can completely relate to the shame/secret thing as i didn't talk about it for the first 10 years) When my mum gets stressed she would drink. but i also understand she was doing her best and maybe she hadn't been presented with any other choices.

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 22:34

Thanks so much merrygoround, What will be will be, that sounds rubbish, I don't know hwat to say at the moment I am too choked up. All I know is that my dd is the most important thing to me at the moment she is so innocent and I never want her to witness what I did as a child and yet I am putting her in a position where she might

OP posts:
Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 22:41

sorry shrub I meant you too, I don't know what to do. It is horrible when peoiple tell you what you already know

OP posts:
shrub · 29/01/2006 22:42

oh finn2 [hugs] like you say: 'i know it all' - you are still wearing the bloomin tee shirt!
you are stronger than you think xx

Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 22:48

you sound lovely shrub, i'm really passionate about the whole thing sorry if i was overbearing in any way. The walking into a pub sober is similar to trets symdrome, did i spell it right???? Its a compulsion that you can't stop. Unless you have the knowledge/support that i find in na. Its really hard to explain to people who don't have the illness like trying to explain to someone what its like to have cancer or diabetes i suppose. I really hope you are ok finn2 and everyone else who's been affected by these issues its so sad. I just think that some people are allergic to alcohol/drugs whatever it is and once they start they cant stop without help from 12step fellowship, hope your dh finds help i will pray for you all finn2 xxxxxx

merrygoround · 29/01/2006 22:49

finn2, take care, talk to others, and make time for yourself. Try as hard as you can not to panic about your daughter - I am sure you will make wise decisions, but only when you are ready. If it helps then CAT me, I am NOT an expert, but I can "listen" and have a bit of legal knowledge around housing.

shrub · 29/01/2006 22:53

no offence taken yummymummy24

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 23:07

Thanks so much, I will make wise decisions but probably not,God my dd is my only hope, I am going to bed now, thankyou so much all the people who did contribute to my plight, If only when I was 17 I had so much support, Thanks all I will come online soon Thanks again. XXXXX

OP posts:
Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 23:09

Thanks shrub, its so difficult with this as its such a sensitive subject. Just had a run in on another thread with someone about flippin playground scuffles though so i dunno, maybe the people who have experienced a bit of pain turn out best in the end. Everyone on this thread seems really lovely though!!!!!

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 23:18

I luv u all Thankyou so much

OP posts:
Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 23:21

Aren't women fantastic!!!! Love you all too, maybe i'll start a thread who do you love on mumsnet?? lol

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 23:21

thank you so much you are my friends

OP posts:
Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 23:23

Keep in touch finn2 i'd love to know how you get on xx

Original poster
finn2 · 29/01/2006 23:25

THANKYOU

OP posts:
lunarx · 30/01/2006 14:01

finn, if you would like to chat off-board about this, please feel free to email me: [email protected]

but you're not alone. not by a long shot!

batters · 30/01/2006 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shrub · 30/01/2006 19:33

Hi Finn2 - just wondering how your feeling today and to let you know i'm thinking of you and your dd xx

Original poster
finn2 · 02/02/2006 21:02

Thanks for caring REALLY MEAN IT!!!,

since I last spoke me and my dh have barely spoken to each other and I have been writing him a long missive about what is going on in my head in my diary which I intend to give him,

the thing is (the reason why we don't speak) he works from 8-6.30 in the city (can't get home before at least 8.00 ) due to trains and pints in the pub.So I am alone every night till about 9 when he turns up merry having spent about £30 at least on drinks. (I spend nothing in the week)

Since I talked here it has been like a flood of emotion as I have kept it inside. The thing that provoked me to write in the first place was because I went out on Sunday for a couple of hours and returned with a friend and he was drunk in charge of my dd, not falling about drunk and only obvious to me drunk but still, I don't know if she noticed, probably I may well be the laughing stock of my workplace for all I know, but that to me was the last betrayal, because as you know it is my big secret. I am trying to sort things out I am going to see my parents next week and will probably pretend to them that everything is fine till I figure out what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
finn2 · 02/02/2006 21:08

by the way he is not a city high flyer he just happens to work in the city please don't assume he is a high flyer, we are skint and living in s london, that is why this is all a problem if I could afford to say "I'm off" things would be different. We are stuck in a tiny house together,

OP posts:
notasheep · 02/02/2006 21:29

Can you meet him from work and go for a coffee and talk? Just another idea.

You should get yourself support and look after yourself.

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