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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is an alcoholic

78 replies

finn2 · 29/01/2006 21:14

Do I leave him even though I love him and so does our dd? or do I put up with it and hope it goes away (which I know it won't)

OP posts:

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:47

If he could be helped then of course it would be great to stay together.

notasheep · 29/01/2006 21:47

soapbox-my comments are on both genders!

Original poster

finn2 · 29/01/2006 21:49

He knows he has a problem but I enable him so much, being the child of an alcoholic, I hide it from his family and most of all my family (my mum doesn't drink any more) the last time he said he was going to AA was when he was supposed to pick up our dd and I phoned to check and he was pissed, I told him social services would have registered us if he picked her up smelling of booze and he broke down crying and promised to go to AA 3 days after being off booze he said he had to have a drink and would try again soon... he is till making excuses

OP posts:

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:50

and he will continue to make excuses.

soapbox · 29/01/2006 21:50

I think from my experience, alcoholics come in all sorts of different varieties. Some are definitely best avoided but others are livable with and with the right support can go on to live normal lives.

Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 21:50

ok i have loads of experience of addiction/alcoholism though i'm not going to go into it. He has an incurable disease which gets progressively worse ending in jail institutions and death. You and your child can help him by leaving and having no furthur contact until he is well. There is nothing else you can do for him. If you stay you will find out that it is a progressive illness, its up to you how much pain you want to go through. I have a lot of experience of this sort of thing i would n't post on this thread if i wasnt 100% on what i'm saying. Leave him it will speed up the process and help him to hit his rock bottom. It is usually only then that we get help. Sorry that you are going through this. Best wishes and get to al anon/ advice him to go to aa.

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:51

just to add you can hit rock bottom several times before seeking help.

Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 21:53

yeah some people have more tolerance to pain, some never recover from this illness (in fellowship hercules???)

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:54

not me personally but dh's bil is one and lived with us for near a year. Researched it lots and spoken to various organisations and dh has been to several alanon meetings.

it really is a dreadful illness.

Original poster

finn2 · 29/01/2006 21:54

soapbox thankyou, this is what I need, it is easy to say, ditch the bastard, but he really isn't a bastard, he loves us both and oh god whatever it is going to sound corny, he has a problem but if I leave I give up everything and my dignity as no one not even my closeset friends know this is a problem for me, see classic textbook child of an alcoholic keeping this a secret, all my mates think he is lovely

OP posts:

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:55

good post btw and must have been hard for you.

lunarx · 29/01/2006 21:55

have you contacted Al-Alon?

you need to look out for yourself and your daughter.. and there usually is no reasoning with addicts.

be well..

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:56

but finnt, what about your daughter? I am really not saying he is a bastard but fast forward 20 years and do you want her where you are now?

merrygoround · 29/01/2006 21:56

Your post about hiding it from others and enabling him was exactly how I was. It was a huge huge relief to bring my dps drinking into the open and stop feeding into the denial. That leaflet I mentioned is still available - the merrygoround one- and although you went to al anon for your mother it seems it could still be worthwhile to go again.

hercules · 29/01/2006 21:57

facilitator, that's the word.

soapbox · 29/01/2006 21:59

finn - I think you have to be aware that some behaviours of the people in alcoholics lives can be tinged with co-dependancy. Covering up for your DH isn't helping him - in fact it allows him to stay in denial about his illness.

It is an illness and you should not feel embarrased about sharing the fact he is ill with others close to you.

Once the big secret is out, often things can move quite quickly - it creates a brink point if you like. I think this crisis point will often dictate the pattern of what will follow. At this point many people finally realise the extent of their problem and do seek help (perhaps like Charles Kennedy in recent days).

Most people who go through the brink without seeking help, or realising the extent of their problem are sadly unlikely, in the short to medium term, to be able to control their drinking.

I think it is time for you to start taking the covers off and allow him to be an adult and take responsibility for his own behaviour!

Yummymummy24 · 29/01/2006 22:00

you will help him if you leave. My partner and i are both in recovery i wouldn't normally post this but i feel really strongly about it. My dp is 10yrs and i am nearly three. We really love each other and so have made a pact if either of us relapses we immediately leave the family home. By leave him i mean literally leave the home, you can still be in touch if you must but don't subject your child to it plaese. Things only get worse. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

FioFio · 29/01/2006 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

shrub · 29/01/2006 22:02

Hi Finn2 - Well done for putting you and your dd first, I really feel for you and your daughter. I am an only child and have an alcoholic mother. While I was growing up my father worked abroad so it very quickly became my responsibility having to call doctors, having her hospitalised many times, phoning the police when she went missing. For the next 15 years I had to look after her by which I mean try to stop her drinking, I would hide the vodka too but they will always find a way (the water in the dog bowl, the vase of flowers, buried in the garden then in the next door neighbours garden etc.) it was only when I left to go to uni that my mother sort of got better. she got worse first drinking herself into a deep vein thrombosis which gave her the shock she needed to realise she has one more chance at living. I couldn't teach her that lesson and neither can you hiding the bottles and loving him anyway no matter what. They need to reach their own rock bottom and the more you hide it the more you are helping them hide it and carry on drinking. I feel awful writing all this down but thought it was important to let you know what you and your daughter may have to deal with.
Can you find somewhere else for a while to rest and look after yourself and your daughter? It is so exhausting being at the mercy of someone elses addiction and emotions and constantly having to respond to them. I have very little sympathy for alcoholics as I believe its not an illness which AA/Alanon/ACOA all believe. I feel they make their choice to drink while they are sober. Sounds like he is in complete denial which suits him just fine which means he doesn't have to deal with it so he can carry on drinking. You and your daughter can still love him, you just don't love his drinking.
Please get some help so you and your daughter can get on with living. xx

Original poster

finn2 · 29/01/2006 22:04

thanks for all your support. And I really mean it you have given me the answers I knew already. what the f++ do I do now, I have a good job, a lovely nursery for my baby, My only option is to tell the whole world what has been going on in my life for the last few years and appear as a total fraud and end up with my mum and dad with nothing but my dd (which is everything) and a massive mortgage. It is the shame more than anything. It has been my secret for so long, everyone thinks I am ms headstrong no bullsh*t

OP posts:

hercules · 29/01/2006 22:06

You need to stop thinking of it as a shameful thing. It isnt. It's a horrid thing but not something to be ashamed of. Yes, life will be horrid for a long time for you if you leave him but you really would be doing the best thing for yourself and your daughter.

soapbox · 29/01/2006 22:07

My dear! Shame never killed anyone! The real shame comes from living a life that is less than you deserve or you might have lived.

You need to be strong - but it is for a clear purpose!

You can do this, for yourself, your child and your husband.

What anyone else might think of your secret is neither here not there! You are doing what you need to do, to try your best to secure a happier future for your family unit! Bu**er the rest of them - maybe their lives are not so perfect either!

FioFio · 29/01/2006 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lunarx · 29/01/2006 22:09

yep, finn, thats what you do. because if those around you love and support you, they will do so regardless. and they can help you thru whatever course of action you take..

7777777 · 29/01/2006 22:11

good luck finn in whatever you choose to do

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