My week of suspicion, snooping and arguing - a rant!!

[coldcase]

I have just had the pissiest week and although no really sure what I am asking for, I am going to offload....

Background: DH and I have been married for 10yrs, have 3 DC and DC4 is due in a couple of weeks time. We live in my home country but it is not totally foreign for DH - same language, food, culture etc as the UK where he from. Anyway for as long as I have known him he has always had mostly female friends which has never bothered me, i have usually known them too.

His current job involves a lot of travelling both here and overseas, his head office is in a different city to where we live and he usually flies there every other week, staying 2-3 nights in a hotel.

Okay so at christmas time I noticed he was texting on his personal mobile a lot and receiving a lot of text messages. While making the bed his phone beeped and I just impulsively picked it up and looked at his message. It was from a woman called Stephanie, not someone I know, and his inbox was full of messages from her. I read a few of them and to be honest they were just boring general chat.

I was a bit pissed off about it as I didn't know who this was and if he wanted boring general chatter why the hell didn't he just talk to me??? I festered over this for the rest of the day before asking him who the hell she was after the kids were in bed. He said she is just a work colleague, he is friends with her, they get along really well nothing to worry about, she lives with her boyfriend in the same city as his head office. He apologised for upsetting me.

So after that I was fine but still a little irritated at her intrusion to our family life over Christmas. The text messages stopped to his personal mobile. However his blackberry seemed to take over. The volume of messages on it increased then the calls too. She started calling in the evenings which he made no effort to hide, just more boring chat. But then she would call on the weekends and they were talking for 30-60 mins. In the car, at home and once she even called while in an airport on the other side of the world. He would go for a run and there would be 3 missed calls from her, I am astounded at my ability to not answer his phone and fire off a couple of rounds at her!! He told me about their chats, ie she is sick, fighting with her boyfriend, blah blah blah dull stuff!

Alright so for the past two weeks DH has been overseas for work. When I logged onto out bank account this week I saw that he had bout some Skype credit which I thought was odd as he briefly called us a couple of times but on his blackberry. I checked his Skype account and discovered he had called her for over 90 mins on her mobile one night while he was away. (I called the number and it was her voicemail). This one call was longer than all of the combined calls he made to me and the DC in the entire time he was away.

I was majorly pissed off and upset so fired off this email to him...

Why did you call Stephanie for over an hour and a half while you were in xxxx? Spending $25 of OUR money? Longer than all of the calls you made to us combined while you were away? Hell I'm lucky if you chat to me for a hour and a half in a week!

Are you having an affair with her?

Was she in xxxx too?

I am feeling so upset at the moment. I feel like the stupid little suburban housewife barefoot and pregnant at looking after the kids, cooking and cleaning while you are flying all over the world and country doing who knows what with this person!!

I really didn't like it at Christmas when you were constantly texting her but all that changed was you text/ call each other on your work phone now. You jump up every time a message comes through, I assume it's always her! It is making me feel miserable! I hate it when she calls for a chat on the weekend too. She obviously has no respect for me or the kids, None of the calls are work related when she is talking about how sick she is or how pissed off she is with her boyfriend. I barely have calls like this with my closest friends... When she came to xxxx last time I know you had dinner with her.

I am now imagining what must go on when you are in xxxx? Lunch dates? Dinner dates? Hell does she stay I your hotel too? I really don't know what to think anymore....

I want this to stop. If you have to speak to her for work so be it but everything else must stop. If she keeps calling I will call her myself and I will not be nice. She is a huge threat to everything I have and I will not tolerate it any longer!

He immediately called me from work to say he was very sorry to have upset me so much, nothing was going on between them, they are not having an affair, they are just friends. He offered to come home immediately. He admitted he long skype call went on for too long also.

When he got home from work that evening we talked about it some more and while I truly and honestly believe nothing did happen between them I am still pissed off about it. He apologised for everything again, and even said that she had told him her boyfriend had been complaining about the calls between them too!! DH says she doesn't have many friends, a shitty relationship and not many close friends to talk to. I don't fucking care really!! Her calls take his time away from me and the DC. He also admitted he can talk to her about things too which he doesn't want to burden me with. I told him there are to be no more personal calls, texting etc. he has to communicate with her at work but she is although older than him, she has a very junior role within the company. He agreed!

Now while I accept his version of events and know nothing physical has happened, and we are getting along just fine - he is being very attentive. I am still festering!! I know DH is the one I have issue with but I really want to fuck her up! I have easily found her and her boyfriend on facebook, I have her mobile number, can call/email her at the office. I want her to know how upset I am about this whole situation, and I want to threaten her, call her bad names and tell everyone how much she has pissed me off. I won't though...

I hate feeling like this. I hate the suspicion. I hate the snooping. I hate the confrontation. I hate that my beloved DH has made me feel this way by doing all of this. I hate her!

Shit what an epic post!! I hope you were sitting comfortably...

I have just sat and read that and have nothing to say but that does sound like a very shitty week

Sounds like that woman needs a therapist, not more friends. She might manage to be more succinct when she's paying by the hour.

well at least you know you don't like what's been going on and have said as much....good on you

Loads of folk hum and haw and say nothing but you haven't done that.

From the way it reads , it sounds like your DH hasn't done anything physical but is flattered by the attention and the 'forbidden fruit' element.

If I was you I'd be wanting to be all over her facebook/phone/work too asking her what the hell she thought she was playing at, but apart from a five minute sense of satisfaction nothing good would come of it and it would be me looking like a screaming, unhinged harpy at the end of it !

I'd insist on the level of communication between them being drastically reduced/stopped though.

If he doesn't spend that long chatting with his mate there no need to chat away with her

Thanks singlepringle I don't know what to do or say either.

I would have told her what I thought though. Mainly with the amount of time your husband was spending speaking to her and that when he wasnt interacting with you or your children

I think your desire to 'fuck her up' is a bit worrying. She has no idea that he only made brief calls to you whilst skyping her for 90 mins. Nor did she make that decision. She owes you nothing and has done absolutely nothing wrong.

Your dh better be very very very attentive to you from now on though.

This all sounds a bit nuts, tbh

My closest couple of friends (both male, one gay) text and talk daily. No matter where I am in the world. I value that. I truly value that. I'd be rudderless without them both. I'm so glad that DH would never react in the way that you have.

Why would you get so het up about this? It's nothing!

Sounds rubbish but promising outcome? Your H seems to get it now you have had it out with him, which is good. He didn't laugh at you or get mad or call you paranoid and you believe him, so try to put it behind you.

Of course your H must stop the excessive contact with this lady outside work cos there's no need for it, and she does sound like a right pain. My P has a couple of close female friends at work but he goes for coffee or lunch with them occasionally in work time. If they do anything together outside work then partners are invited.

Block the woman on fb and delete her number etc so you don't ever get tempted to do something daft!

It is something though Quatrocento isn't it ?

Would you feel the same way if your DH was paying more attention in his free time to another women than you?

It's one thing keeping in touch and friendly banter, but 90 min skype calls are a whole different ballgame

Oh, if she geniunely is just a sad sack and doesn't have designs on your husband then perhaps you could very occasionally socialise with her as a couple or family? And would there be harm in your H having coffee with her when he's in her city? As long as he doesn't let it eat into family time ever again.

I have read enough posts on here in relationships to know mners don't take kindly to wishy washy wives putting up with this kind of shit and making excuses. I was pissed off when I wrote the email and sent it before I changed my mind!

He has told me he loves me and the DC, his feelings for us have never changed, he is not going anywhere or looking for anyone else.

I also think he felt flattered by the attention.

I also agree she probably needs to see a therapist. But at the moment I really couldn't give a shit about what she needs apart from to keep the hell away from my DH.

I won't be contacting her. Ranting harpy isn't my style! But omg the things I would say... I did tell DH I would fly to the city where their head office and ram her phone up her arse if she didn't stop calling and I don't care that I am 38 wks pregnant! I shall stay dignified!

Sounds like you have been through some communication concerns. I don't think your husband is up to anything, but men usually like the attention. I know that his travel makes it more difficult to trust him, but it isn't anything that you can control. I don't know know what her motives are but their texting seems to be nonsexual. Sounds like a friend, that happens to be female. Good luck!

But why would I mind? I'm genuinely puzzled. Just this week, DH had lunch with his friend R (female) and I had dinner with my (male) friend J. There is nothing going on between DH and his chum or me with mine.

I don't understand this idea that friendships have to do the whole family thing exclusively. Sure both J and R know our children and come and do the family thing from time to time. But the fact is that J is primarily my friend - we were at school together approximately 25 years ago - and sometimes we just want time together. We wouldn't have the same degree of closeness without our time and doing our thing together. I absolutely know that DH feels the same about R. That's normal and healthy IMO.

Why do people feel so insecure about opposite sex friendships? It's utterly bizarre.

quattrocentro it is more about eating into family time. Talking to her more when he is away than to us. When I first raised the issue with him at Christmas it didn't cool off, it escalated but on another phone which I cannot access or snoop on!

I have re-read the OP and I would honestly suggest that you get some friends of your own. Your poor DH! I am trying to imagine a situation in which I were not to be allowed to have friends. And I don't like that situation. Not one bit.

Quattroncentoof course it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex but this sounds like, and I think the OP feels that , this is verving into dangerous terrority

Perhaps you are justifying your own level of communication with your non-gay male friend?

Spending sensible amounts of time with friend you've had for years is a very different prospect to a new person coming along and getting all your partner's attention, surely you see that?

My neighbour is currently separated from his wife as she made a new group of mates who are all single and has no time for him any more. She is not sleeping with any of the friends or anybody else, but she is prioritising them over him and their DD to a ridiculous extent.

There's nothing uncool about saying "this is not on". and OP is pg. Don't underestimate pregnancy rage!

Silly you are :) You're close to who you're close to. I have no need to justify communicating with non-gay male friends. Whom, incidentally, I have never shagged or ever would.

I'm only sorry for people who do have to justify communicating with friends of the opposite gender. I really am.

Sometimes, I think I live in a different world from people on MN. Here is an OP making a major, and I mean MAJOR issue over a friendship which she acknowledges to be harmless.

What a life!

I guess I am feeling a bit insecure and unattractive being so heavily pregnant, always at home with the DC while he is away. I know he misses us a lot when he is away but his life seems a whole lot more fun and glamorous when you are the one at home alone!

He has only really been close to her since Christmas, he really hasn't talked much about her as opposed to other female friends who I do know. Their head office is about 1000km away, the opportunity to socialise with her in any way is not there or something I wish to do.

I am generally quite a sane person and happy for him to maintain and have friendships with whoever he likes. I don't keep him on a short leash and demand to know his every movement. I do trust him. He went out to dinner most nights when he was away with old friends, most of which were female. This situation has really affected me though.

It would bother me too. I am like totes uncool as well :)

He loves you, silly!

I think the difference comes when elongated conversations happen with someone of the opposite sex /same sex, that the partner has no knowledge of though?

The OP appears to have had no idea who Stephanie was , who was engaging her husband in numerous texts messages and calls, until she asked

That must smart a little as you would think, hope that your partner would share things about who they friends were with you, no?

Oh jeez now I have to justify my actions?? I have plenty of friends but thanks for your concern.

Having your DH pay more attention to another female when you are preg and not feeling too hot feels shitty! That's all!!

The whole unknown, over active imagination and small (unimportant to him) secrets is what sent my mind racing to the worse case scenario. I was just looking to rant and let off steam.

I suspect the OP's DH was worried about suspicion creeping in - with some justification, as you can see.

Seriously, coldcase, he loves you, you are his family. It must be horrid living apart for a large proportion of the time, and I suspect this is the real issue. Is there any way your DH can spend more time at home?