My week of suspicion, snooping and arguing - a rant!!

[coldcase]

I have just had the pissiest week and although no really sure what I am asking for, I am going to offload....

Background: DH and I have been married for 10yrs, have 3 DC and DC4 is due in a couple of weeks time. We live in my home country but it is not totally foreign for DH - same language, food, culture etc as the UK where he from. Anyway for as long as I have known him he has always had mostly female friends which has never bothered me, i have usually known them too.

His current job involves a lot of travelling both here and overseas, his head office is in a different city to where we live and he usually flies there every other week, staying 2-3 nights in a hotel.

Okay so at christmas time I noticed he was texting on his personal mobile a lot and receiving a lot of text messages. While making the bed his phone beeped and I just impulsively picked it up and looked at his message. It was from a woman called Stephanie, not someone I know, and his inbox was full of messages from her. I read a few of them and to be honest they were just boring general chat.

I was a bit pissed off about it as I didn't know who this was and if he wanted boring general chatter why the hell didn't he just talk to me??? I festered over this for the rest of the day before asking him who the hell she was after the kids were in bed. He said she is just a work colleague, he is friends with her, they get along really well nothing to worry about, she lives with her boyfriend in the same city as his head office. He apologised for upsetting me.

So after that I was fine but still a little irritated at her intrusion to our family life over Christmas. The text messages stopped to his personal mobile. However his blackberry seemed to take over. The volume of messages on it increased then the calls too. She started calling in the evenings which he made no effort to hide, just more boring chat. But then she would call on the weekends and they were talking for 30-60 mins. In the car, at home and once she even called while in an airport on the other side of the world. He would go for a run and there would be 3 missed calls from her, I am astounded at my ability to not answer his phone and fire off a couple of rounds at her!! He told me about their chats, ie she is sick, fighting with her boyfriend, blah blah blah dull stuff!

Alright so for the past two weeks DH has been overseas for work. When I logged onto out bank account this week I saw that he had bout some Skype credit which I thought was odd as he briefly called us a couple of times but on his blackberry. I checked his Skype account and discovered he had called her for over 90 mins on her mobile one night while he was away. (I called the number and it was her voicemail). This one call was longer than all of the combined calls he made to me and the DC in the entire time he was away.

I was majorly pissed off and upset so fired off this email to him...

Why did you call Stephanie for over an hour and a half while you were in xxxx? Spending $25 of OUR money? Longer than all of the calls you made to us combined while you were away? Hell I'm lucky if you chat to me for a hour and a half in a week!

Are you having an affair with her?

Was she in xxxx too?

I am feeling so upset at the moment. I feel like the stupid little suburban housewife barefoot and pregnant at looking after the kids, cooking and cleaning while you are flying all over the world and country doing who knows what with this person!!

I really didn't like it at Christmas when you were constantly texting her but all that changed was you text/ call each other on your work phone now. You jump up every time a message comes through, I assume it's always her! It is making me feel miserable! I hate it when she calls for a chat on the weekend too. She obviously has no respect for me or the kids, None of the calls are work related when she is talking about how sick she is or how pissed off she is with her boyfriend. I barely have calls like this with my closest friends... When she came to xxxx last time I know you had dinner with her.

I am now imagining what must go on when you are in xxxx? Lunch dates? Dinner dates? Hell does she stay I your hotel too? I really don't know what to think anymore....

I want this to stop. If you have to speak to her for work so be it but everything else must stop. If she keeps calling I will call her myself and I will not be nice. She is a huge threat to everything I have and I will not tolerate it any longer!

He immediately called me from work to say he was very sorry to have upset me so much, nothing was going on between them, they are not having an affair, they are just friends. He offered to come home immediately. He admitted he long skype call went on for too long also.

When he got home from work that evening we talked about it some more and while I truly and honestly believe nothing did happen between them I am still pissed off about it. He apologised for everything again, and even said that she had told him her boyfriend had been complaining about the calls between them too!! DH says she doesn't have many friends, a shitty relationship and not many close friends to talk to. I don't fucking care really!! Her calls take his time away from me and the DC. He also admitted he can talk to her about things too which he doesn't want to burden me with. I told him there are to be no more personal calls, texting etc. he has to communicate with her at work but she is although older than him, she has a very junior role within the company. He agreed!

Now while I accept his version of events and know nothing physical has happened, and we are getting along just fine - he is being very attentive. I am still festering!! I know DH is the one I have issue with but I really want to fuck her up! I have easily found her and her boyfriend on facebook, I have her mobile number, can call/email her at the office. I want her to know how upset I am about this whole situation, and I want to threaten her, call her bad names and tell everyone how much she has pissed me off. I won't though...

I hate feeling like this. I hate the suspicion. I hate the snooping. I hate the confrontation. I hate that my beloved DH has made me feel this way by doing all of this. I hate her!

And yes I probably am being a bit silly now! It is not a situation or feelings I have felt before.

Thanks cremolafoamless you got it in one!

I know he loves us all and everything is above board for his perspective. I can also see you see it from his side too Quattro.

His job is a national role which is a fabulous job. He has a great career with this company. He earns really good money and as a result we have a wonderful lifestyle. I actually don't want him to change jobs, sometimes it is quite nice that he is away.

Honestly this is just a glitch and the first time this has happened in 10+ yrs. We have never really had any secrets, he has free reign to look at my phone, iPad,email, Facebook etc I have nothing to hide. It hadn't ever occurred to me that he might keep something like this from me while doing a bad job of hiding it iykwim.

And to the poster who noted my desire to fuck her up, yeah sorry that was a little ott. Definitely my anger talking there, and a stupid thing to say too. She owes me nothing and quite frankly probably has no bad intentions. My DH is pretty fab so I can see why she wants to be friends with him.

Many thanks for all of your comments!

alanmoore. Thanks for all of your posts too, you seem to understand exactly where I am coming from.

Pregnancy rage could easily be mistaken for a weapon of mass destruction!!

I would seriously have problems with the amount of time he was texting/calling her too, even if I wasn't pregnant.

If she has problems then she'll have to find a way of dealing with them that doesn't involve ruining your time with your DH which is probably important to you if he has to work away a lot

I have my own male friends and I call them and see them from time to time. I am perfectly fine with my DP doing the same. I must be one of the most relaxed partners in that sense. But I would also feel "not-entirely-right" about the OP's DH's behaviour with that particular female friend. Coldcase, actually, have you asked your DH whether he would be happy if it was YOU spending so much time talking and chatting to a male coworker? I bet he wouldn't!

In my opinion she has identified a potentially dangerous behaviour and acted on it. Yes, she probably was too aggressive on the e-mail she wrote. But nonetheless, she was successful in bringing that potential problem up and make her DH focus on what really are his priorities: his wife and his unborn child. If anyone else has to lose as a result of that, tough.

Coldcase, I hope your DH steps to the mark. I am sure he was enjoying the attention and the lack of responsibilities of talking with that woman. But he DOES have some big responsibilities in his life he has to fight for.

Oh, and apart from that... baby due in 2 weeks... How exciting!!!!!! I hope everything goes great :)

It does not look good - he has broken so many boundaries and it looks like he is having an emotional affair with her. He seems to be investing far more into this friendship than in the marriage.

I would be having a serious chat with him, ask him to stop all contact with her. This link may help (her book Not Just Friends comes highly recommended on MN):

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

Putting that much effort into maintaining any relationship that isn't with your partner isn't on, especially when you have no idea it's going on I'd have been as furious as you are cc.

It's not like she's an old friend either, she's only a colleague - you've done exactly the right thing, nipping it in the bud now, before it crosses an even bigger line.

I hope he understands how inappropriate and unacceptable his behaviour has been and that he breaks contact with this woman, she is a threat and he's been too blinded by being needed that he can't see it.

sounds like things are dealt with now. you know whether entirely right or not strong feelings need discussing. you felt what you felt and it was distressing you and feeling like a threat to your relationship so you told your husband how you were feeling and he agreed that it was a problem and has resolved to fix it.

seems healthy to me - communication is key and all that.

and your husband agreed which is who matters - not someone telling you you're uncool on the internet.

though i'm glad you've come down from the wanting to 'fuck her up' place that was disturbing.

So, now you have been reassured by your "knight on a white charger" husband who is only looking out for a distressed woman, and utilising his "rescuer" skills so liberally then everything will be ok, won't it ?

And you have been told it's your problem by your responders on this thread, you will swallow your concerns about how he actually sneaked around and in fact redoubled his efforts to be a listening ear for this lady, all will be well

won't it ?

stick around, OP. In my opinion, there is more to come from this situation.

OP I'm with you!! Deal with your husband 1st, but no way would I keep quiet with her!!

My best mate is a straight, married man, and we text a lot and speak a lot on the phone. DH's friends are all women and he can spend ages with them, on the phone with them etc. Never any problem.
HOWEVER. OP's DH spends more time speaking to his friend than he does his family. He knows that this has upset OP in the past, and still he carried on with the constant contact. Never mind that the friend is a woman- She's intruding on family life.

I'm just wondering how I'd feel if DH said I was spending too much time with my friend- I'd be very careful not to upset him again. And if I was spending more time on the phone to friend than DH, that just wouldn't be right.

Hey Coldcase - I've been there and boy do I feel for you. It took 6 months of increasing pressure for DH to finally realise that his behaviour was inappropriate. It is only since I got a job in the same city that I'm confident the contact has stopped beyond which is absolutely necessary.
They work together as well, and it's amazing how much stuff they tried to pass off as work related.
She's now moved on to someone else. People like this are vampires - they suck the life out of people who have made something of their lives.

She's obviously after him. I would tell her to back the fuck off. But then I'm like that.

He cant be friends with her anymore. It's not like a "normal" friendship". My DH has a few female friends too...from Uni....they're all married with kids and busy like him...the most they do is a quick call or text once a month...if there are any meet ups then partners come too...same her with my male friends...it's different when you're married.

I would be wary of believing that "they aren't shagging" is the same thing as "it's nothing to worry about". I would also say there was nothing wrong with the OP getting a mite excited in her email. The DH here is all wrapped up in the novelty of helping someone else, to the extent that his own wife who is about to drop a sprog - may I remind all those reading who've done it, an emotionally and physically vulnerable time - not only feels neglected, but by the sound of it is being neglected. Yes the email was quite heated, but when she put it to him calmly and rationally he didn't take it seriously. Sometimes hysteria has its uses!

Frankly I'd be miffed at even a same sex friend calling at all hours of the day and night - really, wouldn't you? Unless it was your absolute best friend in the world and you really were the only one who could help. There is the potential with a female friend that it could escalate to an affair, but without that it's already a pain in the butt. It's all well and good to be cool about friends, but when friends seem to be taking over your life it's time to take a step back IMO. You cannot live another's life for them, nor should you try. I've been that needy person having a crisis that made me want to dump on friends non-stop... but in the end it's just self-indulgent and takes your energy away from actually sorting your problems.

There are two scenarios imo:

She is needy and clingy (understandably if she's had a hard time) and he's actually quite relieved you've found out and blown up.

He's using the needy clingy thing as an excuse. They are having an affair or thinking about it.

Either way your marriage is little to do with her and I would completely stay away from her.

Isn't this an emotional affair? I wouldn't put up with my DH putting his friendship first above the communication - quality and quantity - between us and our children. I also think that the level of communication between them indicates something physical is about to happen. I'd have had words with DH way before this. You're hurting yourself.

I think the volume and length of calls, eating into family time over Christmas and evenings away, is too much. If she was a great friend (to the whole family and not just the husband), she would think this through and realise it was too much. She's not an old friend of the husband, she's new and wants a lot of attention on a daily basis. I don't agree with Quattro, most people can discern between getting together with an old friend of the opposite sex for lunch and someone trying to start an EA with their husband (which sounds like what she is doing tbh, with all her talk about relationship difficulties, turning to him in times of need etc). It's to do with openness and transparency and appropriateness; this is all about hidden emails, Blackberries and snooping, plus the sheer volume of contact.

I think you've sent a clear message out to your husband: I'm pregnant, I'm vulnerable, I need reassurance and you need to back off this friendship which has gone out of control (and that's the polite version). I would never stop my husband being friends with a female colleague, but he doesn't spend the evenings texting his female colleagues or phoning them from various destinations for long intimate chats, thank goodness.

I think in addition to what you have already said to your DH, you need to remind him (eerily calmly) that you aren't the type if woman to stick around and be made a fool of, and so if he doesn't want to fuck up his marriage and his life, he needs to learn from this BIG TIME.

I don't want to hijack but would it make a difference if she had expressed a sexual interest in DH? Even if it wasn't reciprocated by DH? But he still kept up the same level of communication?

Mumsyblouse, re "trying to start an EA with their husband (which sounds like what she is doing tbh, with all her talk about relationship difficulties, turning to him in times of need etc)"
It's the OP's DH who is claiming that it was her who did all the running and was moaning about difficulties in her relationship?but then he would say that, wouldn't he?
It takes two...
OP, you're right to be concerned.

Okay I'm back. Thank you or all of your comments, I appreciate the time you have taken to post. I am feeling a lot calmer now than I was earlier.

If the situation lemonycheesecake suggested did arise I don't know what I would do.
Rational me says- call her and tell her to stay away
Irrational ranting harpy me says- I would contact her partner and make her life hell!

I wonder if I would find out? Who knows? Not really a scenario I wish to spend too much time thinking about! I trust DH to do the right thing.

Great email, let's hope he heeds the wake up call, I don't understand the hostile posts to you.

Friends yes, friends of opposite sex yes. But constant communication which seeps into your family life, you life as a couple. Endless long communication with her, whilst you get the short scraps along with the kids when he is away.

Na-ah. You were right to be angry. This is ea territory.

I trust DH to do the right thing

Fingers crossed OP