My week of suspicion, snooping and arguing - a rant!!

[coldcase]

I have just had the pissiest week and although no really sure what I am asking for, I am going to offload....

Background: DH and I have been married for 10yrs, have 3 DC and DC4 is due in a couple of weeks time. We live in my home country but it is not totally foreign for DH - same language, food, culture etc as the UK where he from. Anyway for as long as I have known him he has always had mostly female friends which has never bothered me, i have usually known them too.

His current job involves a lot of travelling both here and overseas, his head office is in a different city to where we live and he usually flies there every other week, staying 2-3 nights in a hotel.

Okay so at christmas time I noticed he was texting on his personal mobile a lot and receiving a lot of text messages. While making the bed his phone beeped and I just impulsively picked it up and looked at his message. It was from a woman called Stephanie, not someone I know, and his inbox was full of messages from her. I read a few of them and to be honest they were just boring general chat.

I was a bit pissed off about it as I didn't know who this was and if he wanted boring general chatter why the hell didn't he just talk to me??? I festered over this for the rest of the day before asking him who the hell she was after the kids were in bed. He said she is just a work colleague, he is friends with her, they get along really well nothing to worry about, she lives with her boyfriend in the same city as his head office. He apologised for upsetting me.

So after that I was fine but still a little irritated at her intrusion to our family life over Christmas. The text messages stopped to his personal mobile. However his blackberry seemed to take over. The volume of messages on it increased then the calls too. She started calling in the evenings which he made no effort to hide, just more boring chat. But then she would call on the weekends and they were talking for 30-60 mins. In the car, at home and once she even called while in an airport on the other side of the world. He would go for a run and there would be 3 missed calls from her, I am astounded at my ability to not answer his phone and fire off a couple of rounds at her!! He told me about their chats, ie she is sick, fighting with her boyfriend, blah blah blah dull stuff!

Alright so for the past two weeks DH has been overseas for work. When I logged onto out bank account this week I saw that he had bout some Skype credit which I thought was odd as he briefly called us a couple of times but on his blackberry. I checked his Skype account and discovered he had called her for over 90 mins on her mobile one night while he was away. (I called the number and it was her voicemail). This one call was longer than all of the combined calls he made to me and the DC in the entire time he was away.

I was majorly pissed off and upset so fired off this email to him...

Why did you call Stephanie for over an hour and a half while you were in xxxx? Spending $25 of OUR money? Longer than all of the calls you made to us combined while you were away? Hell I'm lucky if you chat to me for a hour and a half in a week!

Are you having an affair with her?

Was she in xxxx too?

I am feeling so upset at the moment. I feel like the stupid little suburban housewife barefoot and pregnant at looking after the kids, cooking and cleaning while you are flying all over the world and country doing who knows what with this person!!

I really didn't like it at Christmas when you were constantly texting her but all that changed was you text/ call each other on your work phone now. You jump up every time a message comes through, I assume it's always her! It is making me feel miserable! I hate it when she calls for a chat on the weekend too. She obviously has no respect for me or the kids, None of the calls are work related when she is talking about how sick she is or how pissed off she is with her boyfriend. I barely have calls like this with my closest friends... When she came to xxxx last time I know you had dinner with her.

I am now imagining what must go on when you are in xxxx? Lunch dates? Dinner dates? Hell does she stay I your hotel too? I really don't know what to think anymore....

I want this to stop. If you have to speak to her for work so be it but everything else must stop. If she keeps calling I will call her myself and I will not be nice. She is a huge threat to everything I have and I will not tolerate it any longer!

He immediately called me from work to say he was very sorry to have upset me so much, nothing was going on between them, they are not having an affair, they are just friends. He offered to come home immediately. He admitted he long skype call went on for too long also.

When he got home from work that evening we talked about it some more and while I truly and honestly believe nothing did happen between them I am still pissed off about it. He apologised for everything again, and even said that she had told him her boyfriend had been complaining about the calls between them too!! DH says she doesn't have many friends, a shitty relationship and not many close friends to talk to. I don't fucking care really!! Her calls take his time away from me and the DC. He also admitted he can talk to her about things too which he doesn't want to burden me with. I told him there are to be no more personal calls, texting etc. he has to communicate with her at work but she is although older than him, she has a very junior role within the company. He agreed!

Now while I accept his version of events and know nothing physical has happened, and we are getting along just fine - he is being very attentive. I am still festering!! I know DH is the one I have issue with but I really want to fuck her up! I have easily found her and her boyfriend on facebook, I have her mobile number, can call/email her at the office. I want her to know how upset I am about this whole situation, and I want to threaten her, call her bad names and tell everyone how much she has pissed me off. I won't though...

I hate feeling like this. I hate the suspicion. I hate the snooping. I hate the confrontation. I hate that my beloved DH has made me feel this way by doing all of this. I hate her!

I'm genuinely baffled by some of the early responses to this thread. And if I were those posters, I'd wonder whether their own denial about something in their lives was being projected on to what is patently obviously an extremely threatening situation for the OP's marriage.

This sounds like an emotional affair to me too. There was secrecy even about the very existence of this woman, then secrecy about the volume of contact, then the communications switched to a Blackberry device where BBM conversations cannot be retrieved. This woman is leaning on the OP's husband for emotional support and the friendship is intruding on family life to an intolerable extent.

The OP's H won't admit that he's getting a kick out of this friendship and playing the role of rescuer and he won't admit that he finds the friend physically attractive, or that it's obvious to him that he's attractive to her.

This has got warning lights and bellowing klaxons all over it. Ignore this situation at your peril OP because this woman intends to harm your marriage and make no mistake. Your husband is pretending that he can't see the danger, but he can and he's enjoying it. When he ends up kissing her, he'll even say "I didn't mean for that to happen" and convince himself that was the truth.

If this was an unattractive colleague who was 20 years older, rest assured he wouldn't be investing this much in the friendship. If this was a man of his own age, he wouldn't either.

Somehow this thread has managed to convince itself that this situation is the fault of both the women in it.

The OP for being suspicious and 'stifling' and jealous.

The OW for being needy and clingy and a bit of a wet blanket.

Where's OP's DH's blame in all this?

The OW is obviously being encouraged to call DH often and for long periods of time. For which the blame lies completely with DH.

And I don't know why posters like Quattrocentro are trying to minimise this in such a weird way.

That frequency and volume of contact from a friend of either gender is massively intrusive. Not to mention that the friendship is not even out in the open like the platonic friends example.

The friendship was deliberately kept a secret from the OP. And I think it's barking up the wrong tree completely to suggest that OP's DH kept the friendship with the OW a secret because he 'knew how OP would react'.

If he knew the nature of his friendship with the OW would make OP feel uncomfortable HE SHOULDN'T HAVE PURSUED IT.

A married person is not entitled to indulge their personal life at the expense of their spouse's feelings.

I agree with Anyfucker. I think this may well be the tip of the iceberg.

I am in awe of you, OP. I have only read the OP so far but you have handled this very well, fair and honestly and I hope it all works out for you.

I don't think he is maintaining a realtionship with this woman, he is just talking to her. Is he going out of his way to phone her regularly to check she is okay and not killed her annoying boyfriend? Is he phoning her the second she doesn't arrive at work? Is he texting every five minutes to ask why she isn't answering his calls?

As a single woman I will say this; that woman has designs on you man, no doubt.

I can also tell you that men (regardless of age and socioeconomic background) and women seem to enjoy getting off/ ogling via Skype.

Now, either our man is a very smooth operator or he?s indulging that woman because he is deliberating whether or not to enter into an imitate relationship with her.

A married man has no business entertaining a woman in this way. Ask him how he'd feel if you were entertaining a man he didn't know in the fashion.

Update: I have had another conversation about this to DH again about how upset I am about this. He has apologised again and said that now after having a good think about the situation and the history of his friendship with here realises that it was too much. He also said that she has been taking up too much of his time and her problems are of her own creation. Plus he apart from damaging our family and relationship he wouldnt want to damage his career either.

He has told her stop calling. Has given me free access to his phones, email, Facebook etc and said he will tell me about every conversation they have. I think this is probably too much but understand that he wants to prove there will be no more secrets.

I am happy with this resolution and feel we are back to normal again. Also with baby due in a couple of weeks he won't be travelling for work until the end of April so he will be around more to help.

Thanks to everyone to posted, I apreciate you opinions, advice and time!

That's good news, OP. But if she does ring again, and you're there, pick it up and tell her, very calmly, to stop calling. Don't yell or get angry or threaten. Just tell her evenly that she needs to step away from your family now. You'll probably feel better that you've said something.

Whatever you do, don't post on facebook. Don't contact her partner (you don't know what he is like - abusive? angry?).

And it's really healthy that you see your big problem here is your DH. Your email was great, and you were right to read him the riot act.

I don't think this complete capitulation is very believable OP. I think he's become addicted to this friendship and it's very unlikely he will go cold turkey without difficulty. What he hasn't admitted to you is what he's been getting from this friendship. That's the big fat glaring omission in all of this.

Seeing as the last time you expressed disquiet he moved the communication to Blackberry where the content could not be seen by you, I'd be very vigilant. I would also have another conversation with him and insist he's more honest with you about his own motivations throughout. Unless he's honest with himself - and you - about that, the danger really hasn't gone away but he now might choose to hide it more carefully - just like last time.

I agree with ActiveC.
This female is wanting your DH.
I have been in very similar situation to OP .
My DH was too naive and let it continue too long .
I read him the riot act in no uncertain terms and kept a very close check on the situation ...
DH was so naive he kept saying " it's ok - shes in a relationship ".
So in the spirit of keeping enemies closer to my chest than friends - I invited her and her DP for dinner .
I detected there were problems in their relationship .
A few months later they seperated.
She emailed my DH basically saying " I'm free now ".
He emailed back asking her never to contact him again .
I'm sooo glad OP that like you I got on top of the situation quickly .
Women of her type anger me no end .
Where is the sisterhood fgs ?!

Hattytown, I don't think it matters what you think. The OP is happy with the situation and that is all that matters.

I agree Hattytown.

I also agree with Hattytown, but can understand you may find it easier to sweep things under the carpet - sadly this strategy often does not work in the long term.

"patently obviously an extremely threatening situation for the OP's marriage."

"As a single woman I will say this; that woman has designs on you man, no doubt"

You are all utterly mental. The OP's DH's mate is not single, but don't let that get in the way of a bout of galloping insecurity. Yes OP, go for it. Why don't you "threaten her, call her bad names and tell everyone how much she has pissed me off"

I am so glad that I don't live in a world where having a friend of the opposite gender makes all this normal.