DH's "daughter" from brief fling appears on doorstep 29 years later

[gusting]

My DH, who is 55 now, had a fling with a girl when he was in his 20s. It was very brief, and after it ended she said she was pregnant. Some time later my DH remembers someone coming to his parents house asking for child support for the child, but he had never seen the girl again or heard from her, and so was not prepared to entertain any suggestion of paying child support.

Anyway, last year, my DH received an email (he has a website , so that will be how she tracked him down) from a woman claiming to be my DH's daughter, and asking him to get in touch.

My DH, who is computer illiterate anyway (I deal with all his emails!) was fairly flabbergasted, to say the least, and his reaction was simply to ignore the email. He said he would think about how to respond, but basically in true male fashion filed it to the back of his head. His dad was very ill at the time and has subsequently died, so he had plenty else to think about to be honest, and we have a 2 year old DS (I am 39, by the way!).

Anyway, last night we had people round, and the doorbell rang. I was on the phone so my DH went to answer the door. I recognised the woman straight away as I had looked her up on facebook! It was this "daughter", who introduced herself. My DH was completely dumbstruck- apart from the fact we had people in the house, which was a godsend, or he would have had to ask her in, my DH is completely inept in difficult situations like that.

He told her that it was not a good time, and she asked if she could have 20 minutes of his time to "talk" to her, sometime before she left the area (she was here on holiday) tomorrow evening. He took her number, but because he was so taken aback by the whole scenario, he failed to save it in his phone.

He and I discussed things later, and he is very reluctant to speak to her. He does not want to have a relationship with her (assuming that she is indeed his daughter, which is a strong possibility as she looks a bit like him) and just wants to bury his head. He is annoyed that she just appeared at the house without warning. He says he feels nothing towards her, so doesn't think it appropiate to risk unsettling us all and causing his family possible upset by dragging up the past now.

I do see where he is coming from, and my primary goal is to protect my nice happy family unit from any upset, of course. But part of me thinks that the right thing to do by her would be for him to at least talk to her. After all, it's not her fault she was the result of a quick fling, and she has a right to find out about her dad (if he is her dad) and to get to know him. I keep thinking how curious I would be in her situation and how upset I would be if my dad refused to have anything to do with me.

I know I can convince him to talk to her if I really try- he says he will do it for me, if I want him to. But it could turn out to be a whole can of worms opened, and the effect on our family could be very negative.

Anyone got any views??

I think OP sounds very thoughtful and caring and on the right track. Helping him deal with this rather large event is what partners are for isn't it!

Hope everyone comes out of it with some satisfaction. Good Luck. :)

Anyway, last year, my DH received an email

He said he would think about how to respond

the doorbell rang. I was on the phone so my DH went to answer the door. I recognised the woman straight away as I had looked her up on facebook!

From the above, I have deduced that when his daughter made contact with him months ago, you looked her up on facebook.

When he failed to respond to her email, why didnt you reach out to her?

Why did you put her in the position of having to gather all her nerve and courage to ring your doorbell?

You say you were 'on the phone' but you obviously saw her standing on your doorstep as you've said that you recognised her.

Your dh owes his daughter's mother 21 years of maintenance. He owes his daughter 29 years of birthday, Christmas, and 'just because' gifts. plus all of the other benefits that a loving father brings to his dcs' lives.

Above all, he owes his daughter his time and affection and he will owe the same to any dc she may have.

If he doesn't choose to welcome his daughter into his family with open door arms, he deserves condemnation.

And if you don't put aside meanmindedness and cultivate generousity of spirit towards the young woman who is, presumably, - albeit that you can't be certain - his firstborn child, you'll deserve no less.

FTR, the behaviour of the pair of you in turning his daughter away from your door last night is truly despicable and you should both be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves for that uncharitable act of incivility towards her.

thank you
I appreciate your constructive comments legally, sarah and greylady.
I had wondered about offering to meet her with him.
I suspect my DH is (1) in shock and (2) absolutely terrified of getting into all this because he realises how immature and irresponsible he has been and doesn't know how he can possibly justify it to his daughter- he knows he can't. His response is to act all dismissive because it means he doesn't have to discuss the detail, but inside he will be cracking up.
I hope we can get through this....

I suspect your DH is a dick of the highest order. Sheesh I think I would be wondering what made me like this guy in the first place.

I feel sorry for you that he's your DH

izzyizin
just for the avoidance of doubt, when the email came, as I have already said, DH's dad was in hospital having a major cancer operation, which was unsuccessful and we have just finished nursing him through several months of what can only be described as hell, which culminated in his death just before christmas. My DH was extremely cut up about his Dad and to be quite honest could not deal with the other issue at the same time. If this makes him seem weak, so be it. Perhaps I should have responded to her, but didn't feel it was my place to do so, especially as I could not expect my DH to focus on how he wanted to deal with the situation in light of the fact his dad was dying right in front of his eyes. In hindsight I think we were all so caught up in the situation we failed to respond when we should have.
When my DH opened the door I saw who I thought it was, but I left it up to him to deal with, I felt it was not my business to wade in and take over- it is his daughter after all.
Last night our house was full of people- it was a meeting of a local community group. We have a very small house so there were people pretty much everywhere except the bathroom and bedrooms.
My DH just panicked I think. I believe he genuinely tried to save the number but in his panic he failed. There was nothing deliberate about it and he was quite shaken to find he hadn't saved it as he had thought. He genuinely didn't know what on earth to do. And his shock reaction was to say he didn't want to meet his daughter. As I have said I think he is scared to meet her because he realises he will have to deal with the remorse and self hate that he has probably been concealing for years.
I think it is unfair of you to say that I am displaying meanmindedness. I am trying to work out a way to turn this situation around for all concerned.

I don't like what your husband did, but I don't see the point of us telling the OP what a dick he has been.

It is very sad that your husband lost his dad.
But he has had 29 years to sort this out.
His inaction forced this young woman to turn up at our house at this incovienent time.

I still do not understand the 'he thinks he remembers someone coming to his parents house' comment.

Did he hide upstairs and did his parents turn this girl's mother away like some scene out of a victorian penny dreadful?

He has a long and horrible history of ducking his responsiblity when it comes to his daughter.

The fact that she made contact during a very difficult time in his life is not her fault and he still should have dealt with it.

Having a house full of a 'community group' (how ironic) is an excuse not to welcome her not a reason.

I feel no sympathy for you OH at all. Nothing.

I am not asking for sympathy for him.

I accept fully he has not stepped up to his responsibilities.

He remembers a man in a suit coming to his parents house a couple of years later talking about child support, but he was working away from home at the time. It was not the child's mother who came, and he was not hiding upstairs. He was told later about the visit by his parents.

I am sorry if this was unclear in the OP.

My DH is not good at dealing with difficult situations, I fully accept this. What I was looking for advice about was how to help him to turn this situation into a positive one for everyone concerned.

You keep making excuses for him. At the end of it though, he has a potential 29 year old daughter who he's treated like shit.

Stop dithering and sort it the fuck out.

nizlopi
I like your direct approach, I will do my absolute best.

maybe she needs her medeical history especially if has a family it is so hard when they ask about it in pregnancy and have to say you dont know

Actually I don't agree that the OP should be the one to email/message sort this out

It is down to her DH, and while I really really hope he steps up and does the right thing, it is his decision and the OP will have to accept that

OP I don't think your DH is a terrible evil person, I think from what you've said he's a decent man who's made an awful awful choice, I hope he can find a way to rectify it now

What if this woman is not his daughter at all, but trying to perpetrate a fraud?

Oh TSC how fucking awful of him to deny your dd like that

He remembers a man in a suit coming to his parents house, but he wasn't actually there at the time? It's descending into farce now. Op, nothing you have said in your subsequent posts are making your DH look any better.

Personally I think you should show him the thread.

I found my birth father through the internet. I took a VERY large drink and called him. He was in shock, at work. He took my number and CALLED ME BACK. We talked, and, although he had no idea if I was actually his daughter or not, he treated me like a human being. That´s all I needed. I actually have a marvellous stepfather and a lovely family and wanted nothing from him except that conversation.

My father was the parent. It was his responsibility to have a relationship with his child. Your husband needs to step up and take responsibility. Yes, it will be hard, yes, she might not be his. He needs to be a parent here and talk to the woman.

Please, if you show him nothing, just show him this answer. I have literally stood in this woman`s shoes. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not have a clue where half your heritage comes from. She has carried this feeling of rejection around for her entire life. As a decent human being surely the least he can do is talk to her and not reject her again.

Gusting I've been lurking and following this thread, not least because the natural father of my DS would have liked to have been able to put his own head in the sand for the last 12 years. Your current situation is exactly what I wanted to avoid. Your DH is not perfect. That you can see that, and still acknowledge and love all his good points says a lot about you.

You sound as though you have a sort of plan - to email the daughter - with your DH's knowledge - and to try to set up some communication. Some times stuff comes along, that you know you're responsible for, that just scares the shit out of you. He sounds like a great Dad, who probably wishes that he'd done the right thing (at least to try and find out whether or not he WAS the dad) in the beginning. Let him know you're there for him, and you know that inside, he's a good guy, who needs to try to make this situation right. Hand holding isn't just for the little ones.

No I dont think it is the OPs responsibilty at all.

Thank you for clarifying OP regarding the visit. Does it not strike you as odd that you OH wouldnt follow this up and just left it as it was?`

You cant sort this out and nor should you. This is about your OH and HIS responsiblities to HIS daughter.

If you take control you will be allowing him to continue to shirk his responsiblities. It is not fair for you to have to sort this mess out.

I dont think you can turn this into a positive. He has to face up to the wrong he has done and try and build a relationship based on what his daughter wants.
If he doesnt do that, there is nothing you can do about it.

You might want to keep track of his daughter so at least her siblings can have contact if they chose to later in life. The damage done by parents hiding siblings from each other is horrible to behold. I have seen the utter carnage caused by this.

OP, I wouldn't be paying too much attention to some of the nasty responses on here. This thread has taken on an unpleasant bullying tone - as far as I can see posters are venting their own anger about similar difficulties they've faced.

You can help your DH with advice. But in the end it's his (potential) relationship not yours. If he doesn't want it, that's unfortunate for the woman concerned, but so be it. If the phone number is lost you can offer to message her on FB ... if he wants that. But he may not.

The suggestions that you, the OP, should be ashamed, you yourself should stop dithering and deal with it yourself are nonsense.

The daughter didn't obtain his consent to meet before turning up on the doorstep. That was a risk she chose to take, having not received a reply to her email previously. It was chance (ie you had a meeting going on) that she wasn't invited in when she arrived.

As for the four-letter abuse there's only one person who really has the right - the daughter herself. If your DH arranges to meet her, that may be her intention. On the other hand she may genuinely want a relationship ... and/or she may even want money. If I was him I would be meeting her cautiously and thinking through my responses to possible scenarios before going.

I don't think the OP needs to force him, encourage him yes, talk things through and help him face up to the situation, but I wouldn't force my DH to do anything and I would not expect him to force me to do anything either

wow, that poor girl - I really feel sorry for her. Even though it is a terrible shock for your OH I don't feel sorry for him at all - that says it all for me really. He needs to behave like the mature adult he now is (once over the initial shock) and at least meet her, talk to her and see if she really is his daughter. It is great that you are tryingto support him and do the right thing for his potentila daughter - he needs to step up as well though imo.

Hmm. IMO you can lead a DH to water but you can't make it drink.

For example I have been 'helping' my DH to look for a new job. I've tarted up his CV, I've showed him a good book on job search strategies (unread on his desk), I've demonstrated LinkedIn to him and suggests he gets a profile (he hasn't). I ask him how he's getting on around twice a week. The answer you will be unsurprised to hear is 'no progress'.

Maybe I will post a thread on here asking for advice from MN-ers about how to persuade him to get his finger out.

What will the advice be?
Leave the prick - better off alone?
Stupid cunt - not taking responsibility for his family?
Or
MrsBaldwin, you will just have to do the job interview yourself, if he can't get on with it. It's your responsibility to help him get a job. And BTW, MrsBaldwin, you can then actually do his job on top of your own!