"Go on your own then!" - should I?

[HeatherWitch]

Sorry for the name change. Having an awful time of it right now. I got promoted at work (through LOTS of hard work) and DP is pissed off because I have less time for him. I do make time, especially on a weekend but everything is on his terms. We can never do anything I find fun, just stuff HE wants to do because I'm being punished for not spending enough time with him apparently. We have argued pretty much none stop since Christmas. We argue about everything, he starts on me as soon as I get in from work, first thing in a morning, over dinner - I'm just sick to death of it. The ONE thing I have really wanted was to go to New York. I mentioned this two years ago. He said he'd get on to it. 6 months later I mentioned it again and he said he was "working on it" whatever the fuck that means - it's simple, you book and go. Nothing to "work on" surely? I told him I'd sort it but noooooo I make him feel useless enough apparently and he would sort it. I mentioned it again at Christmas and got told to "stop fucking nagging". I was at work today and a colleague said something along the lines of "fuck him, go on your own". It has been on my mind all day. I got home and asked him if there was any progress on the New York thing. He sighed, rolled his eyes and snapped "don't fucking start". So I said "ok, don't worry about it, you obviously don't want to go, I do. I'm booking it for July when DS is away for a week." First reaction was "HA! as if! you wouldn't fucking dare" and then "fine, go on your own then! see how you like wandering around a massive city on your own you fucking sad act".
I wasn't really going to go but now - I'm really considering it!!! Should I just go?? Bearing in mind, if I do it will no doubt be the final nail in the coffin that is our relationship. Would I regret it once there? Would I be sad walking around on my own? Am I biting off my nose to spite my face by booking something I won't enjoy just to make a point?

So, after three pages, it seems the only difference of opinion is whether you should ditch the sad sack before or after going to New York without him.

There's a secondary difference between whether he's an inadequate sad jealous knobber or an aggressive entitled knobber, but it doesn't make a difference in practical terms. For whatever reason (and jealousy does seem to be quite a likely one IMO) he is making himself extremely unpleasant to live with. The only decent thing in this scenario is to set the poor dear free so he can look for a lower-earning, unambitious woman who will worship him as he requires and never go anywhere further than the corner shop on her own. Or he could get a dog, which would actually enjoy that kind of life.

Remember, you've been working hard so you probably have been 'shrugging off' a lot of the stuff he has done to bring you down as your mind has been on other things.

You wouldn't let a colleague talk to you like that (I hope)? Or anyone else. If someone speaks to you like that, it means they do not respect you.

Go to NY, alone/with a friend, doesn't matter. Why would you go with him anyway?

Get rid of this waste of life you call DP.

MN is so depressing, I may just have to leave but anyway, this is not about me, but about you.

I just do not know why you would accept being spoken to like that at all.

Sounds like he does not respect you and he doesn't even like you. Who on earth talks to their partner like that????!!!!

I would go to NY, then I would go and live on my own with DS TBH, sorry, I know that is not what you asked.

PS, I would know how to have fun on my own in NY, but I can be a bit of a loner and am self sufficient, as I have previously travelled alone as well. It is not for everyone. You know if it is for you.

Chandon, MN needs people like you with clear vision, otherwise a lot of women would be at the mercy of tabloid agony aunties with their own issues telling them How To Keep Your Man Happy. Stick with it! Even I, Annie Leavethebastard, was of the "have to make it work" persuasion before discovering MN.

Definitely bin the man before you go to NY. Otherwise, if he remains in your home while you take the trip, you will return to find at least one of your treasured possessions has been 'accidentally' lost, damaged or destroyed - or possibly the whole house trashed. This man wants to punish you for not being sufficiently submissive and obedient. He can't cope with the idea of a woman as a human being and particularly can't handle a woman being more successful than him. Because he is a failure.

Don't know what the housing/DC situation is, but look into the practicalities ie who will move out, make the arrangements and then just tell him that he's dumped. Far better to be single than with a knob like this.

Agree with Anniegetyourgun's assessment. Whatever you do, DON'T go with him. A bad relationship is magnified away from home. In the end, I'd feign illness if we had to pay a duty visit to my then 'in-laws' who lived 200 miles away. I knew that I did not want to be in an unfamiliar area with my ex.

Take my advice, stay put until he has gone.

If you go alone, god knows what will await you on your return.

New York on your own for a few days sounds like a wonderfully indulgent experience, I'd love it! All those shops and galleries and interesting touristy things to do without the OH moaning about you spending too long looking at stuff!

NYC feels like a huge film set, you just wander round feeling like you're in your very own film. It's so organised that everything is easy to find, Central Park is wonderfully clean and buzzing with activity. Eating out alone is great and I absolutely LOVE room service; use all the fancy hotel facilities, food delivered to your door then crash in a big comfy bed watching American trash TV - blissful!

I spent time on my own in New York and San Francisco whilst DH was working out there and I loved it. Never felt awkward/lonely/silly at all. I'd be treating this trip as a "well done" treat to yourself for all the hard work you've put in to get your promotion at work (whilst looking after your DS - and "D"P by the look of it.) Any half decent DP would be doing the same - but he sounds bitter and twisted - what does he do/say to indicate he loves (or even likes) you?

God, this thread makes me want to go to New York (on my own)!

OP's gone quiet, but hope this thread's helped her.

OP I've not been to New York but I've explored London Paris and Amsterdam on my own and had a bloody marvellous time. I also went surfing on my own and had a red hot fling with a sexy surfer guy after a breakup, I can highly recommend travelling in your own company to get perspective on life.

I spent 4 days in NY by myself and I had such a good time. I was in transit and decided to extend my stay as it was such a cool city to be in. Everyone is so friendly and there is sooo much to do. Go on trip advisor to suss out good hotels and restaurants and things to do. There is heaps. He sounds like a complete tool. I think you going to NY might be the wake-up call he needs to start treating you better or break up with him!

Bogeyface, you asked me to expand.

You said:

Had a chat with my sister (she is an MN lurker)about this, was a hypothetical "Would you go" and she said that it sounds like he is feeling like a failure because the OP has done so well recently.

I recommended your sister re-read the OP.

The OP says:

Sorry for the name change. Having an awful time of it right now. I got promoted at work (through LOTS of hard work) and DP is pissed off because I have less time for him.

I do make time, especially on a weekend but everything is on his terms.

We can never do anything I find fun, just stuff HE wants to do because I'm being punished for not spending enough time with him apparently.

We have argued pretty much none stop since Christmas. We argue about everything, he starts on me as soon as I get in from work, first thing in a morning, over dinner - I'm just sick to death of it.

(She then mentions NY.)

I mentioned it again at Christmas and got told to "stop fucking nagging".

And:

I got home and asked him if there was any progress on the New York thing. He sighed, rolled his eyes and snapped "don't fucking start".

And:

First reaction was "HA! as if! you wouldn't fucking dare" and then "fine, go on your own then! see how you like wandering around a massive city on your own you fucking sad act".

I don't think it's too naive of me to think that, rather than the OP's partner just being jealous of her achievements, he's actually just a nasty piece of work.

Getting away on your own will be liberating - and put the awful time your DP is giving you into perspective.... (been there, done that).

As an LP I just go on my own - son now goes off with mates - and I love it.

Totally free to do what I want, when I want, how I want, talk to who I want, go dancing with who I want (Havana)....

No whinging undermining man to have to deal with. Bliss!

You meet a lot more people on your own than in a couple.

In my mind the sad cases are the couples with nothing left to say to each other at their restaurant table....

NY still on my to-do list. This thread is certainly inspiring!