"Go on your own then!" - should I?

[HeatherWitch]

Sorry for the name change. Having an awful time of it right now. I got promoted at work (through LOTS of hard work) and DP is pissed off because I have less time for him. I do make time, especially on a weekend but everything is on his terms. We can never do anything I find fun, just stuff HE wants to do because I'm being punished for not spending enough time with him apparently. We have argued pretty much none stop since Christmas. We argue about everything, he starts on me as soon as I get in from work, first thing in a morning, over dinner - I'm just sick to death of it. The ONE thing I have really wanted was to go to New York. I mentioned this two years ago. He said he'd get on to it. 6 months later I mentioned it again and he said he was "working on it" whatever the fuck that means - it's simple, you book and go. Nothing to "work on" surely? I told him I'd sort it but noooooo I make him feel useless enough apparently and he would sort it. I mentioned it again at Christmas and got told to "stop fucking nagging". I was at work today and a colleague said something along the lines of "fuck him, go on your own". It has been on my mind all day. I got home and asked him if there was any progress on the New York thing. He sighed, rolled his eyes and snapped "don't fucking start". So I said "ok, don't worry about it, you obviously don't want to go, I do. I'm booking it for July when DS is away for a week." First reaction was "HA! as if! you wouldn't fucking dare" and then "fine, go on your own then! see how you like wandering around a massive city on your own you fucking sad act".
I wasn't really going to go but now - I'm really considering it!!! Should I just go?? Bearing in mind, if I do it will no doubt be the final nail in the coffin that is our relationship. Would I regret it once there? Would I be sad walking around on my own? Am I biting off my nose to spite my face by booking something I won't enjoy just to make a point?

imperial

Be specific, what part?

Well I haven't been to New York yet but I did go to Paris (City of Lovers) on my own and had a great time - went on a bus tour and as many museums/galleries as I wanted with no-one rolling their eyes out of boredom! Could do as much or as little as I wanted.
I wouldn't buy a ticket for your partner as he sounds like he will just ruin it for you by moaning. I would also be concerned about the fact that he is emotionally blackmailing you to do whatever HE wants at the weekend and any guy that called me a 'fucking sad act' would be history shortly after.

I'm going back half the thread, but for the love of God, don't come here to find a man!!!!

NYC is fantastic for exploring by yourself. As just a tiny example, when DH and I came out for his interview, I had to spend 2 days by myself, and I LOVED them. I remember walking from our hotel onto 5th Avenue and getting an absolute rush of excitement. Funnily, all this time on, I still get the same rush walking into the city.

So, yes, go on your own. If you need any advice or need someone to prop up the bar with you, pm me.

Wow OP he sounds dreadful! Is this new behaviour? Is he depressed? Or is he just a bit of a prick in general?
Either way I would go.
If he's just in a particularly bad place right now but is generally a good guy then I would help him to get help and then go. If he's always been an arse of varying degrees then I would help him get to the bus stop, and then go.
I'm sure there are plenty of websites with recommendations for NY for lone-travellers. You'll have a ball!

Book flight, ditch bloke. Simples.

Go. NYC is the best city ever and fab on your own, or with your DC. Come back and sort out your rude horrid Dp after.

Come to Boston instead, you can stay with me :o

I went on my own to New York almost 12 years ago, fell in love and ended up living there for 3 years! I still visit regularly, it is a very safe and friendly city.

I would DEFINITELY go, not only to New York but away from this man in general!

I know swearing has become normalised to a certain extent these days but I wouldn't put up with a man who used that kind of language while speaking to me. I'm not trying to be nasty but he sounds belittling and demeaning. I'm sure there are occasions when he's nice or you wouldn't be with him at all but in my experience behaviour like this repeats itself in an escalating manner as the relationship continues.

At least you're not married to him!

Ive no experience of being with a total nob as your oh sounds but i have been to new york alone, been 3 times alone and once with a friend, and i loved every minute of it when i was alone.

Its not the same out there as it is over here lots of people eat alone where over here its seen really differently, just do it i promise you wont regret it, you can then plan all the things you want to see and visit when your there, hes obviously not going to bother and you could be waiting forever, he sounds extremely childish to be honest maybe he'd be better staying at home to realise the world doesnt revolve around him.

DO go.

I agree an organised trip would be nice, if possible.

As others said, on another matter, I would never tolerate being spoken to as though I were a piece of shit eg:

"stop fucking nagging".

"don't fucking start".

"HA! as if! you wouldn't fucking dare"

and then

"fine, go on your own then! see how you like wandering around a massive city on your own you fucking sad act".

It is scandalous how he talks to you.

I agree with the others you should go.

But on the home front have you both sat down at any point & tried to share why you are both so fecked off wih each other? Without arguing?

I think the New York thing is not really the issue here. Personally, I wouldn't go for now. This man sounds like a jealous bully to me. It could get nasty if you went alone- who knows what would await your return?

He is jealous of your success and I think will soon start serious attempts to undermine you. You won't notice at first, it will just be a gradual chipping away at your confidence until you doubt every little thing you do.
I've seen women too frightened to sneeze without any tissue because their husband would order them to get a hankerchief!

If you want the truth as to what you should do, I would say to leave him.

Destroying somebody's confidence does them more harm than the odd bout of adultery. I've seen it. What this guy is doing to you is worse than adultery. And that is a potential major deal-breaker in itself for a lot of people so you see I am serious about what I say when I think you should kick him into touch.

Look at what you say in your opening post! The doubt is already happening! You put a question mark after 'nothing to work on' (about going to New York). Of course there isn't! You co-ordinate time, book and go. I bet your pre dp self wouldn't even doubt this simple fact.
Forget New York (for now), New York is a red herring. Get rid of him and then go.

Your DH isn;t very nice. Go on your own if you dare! Going anywhere alone does not make a person a 'sad act'. Your DH is a jealous, ignorant child with issues.

Leave the sad act - ALONE!

What a nasty man.

Definitely go to NYC - it's awesome! And if you're not happy in your own company the whole time, try a food tour / Sex & The City tour / Big Apple Greeter to show you around.
www.bigapplegreeter.org/

Don't go until he has gone. The verbal abuse is there, it could escalate to physical rage, he will NOT be happy for you to go alone. In a healthy relationship, one partner is overjoyed when the other does well and supports them. This is not a healthy relationship.

New York is a GREAT city to spend time in on your own. So much to do, I had a whole week there and was still not satisfied.

I felt very comfortable being alone there, except for one thing: I took a breather in what seemed like a nice square near the Public Library (Bryant Park) and immediately had a guy come over and start chatting me up. Found out later it was a notorious pick-up location for singles to hang out...so simply by sitting there minding my own business I was apparently advertising my single-ness!

Apart from that: New York is one of the easiest places I've ever been to be on your own and yet not feel lonely. San Francisco is also great.

Have been on my own in NY loads of times on business. One of the best cities in the world to enjoy by yourself (pack good walking shoes)

"fine, go on your own then! see how you like wandering around a massive city on your own you fucking sad act"

This is v revealing of how your DP considers spending time by yourself to be, - it is clearly (in his mind) better to be with ANYONE rather than no one, that if you are by yourself, you must be sad, pitiable, pathetic and a failure. HE would clearly be too scared to travel by himself, unable to bear his own company, and would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed to be seen out by himself. He doesn't like the idea of facing life on his own, and assumes you are just as cowed and desperate.

But you don't agree with him, do you? You know that its better to be by yourself than in bad company, and that its a sign of strength and flexibility to make your own dreams happen, rather than hanging around, waiting for someone else to decide if its going to happen or not.

I think if you did go to NY with this man then it would be a miserable experience because it would be a huge anticlimax after all his shit. He'd also probably be all 'why aren't you enjoying it, you kept going on, now you're not enjoying it' and acting like it's your fault when he is the one being a douche.

I'd seriously go on my own or with a friend and have an excellent time WITHOUT him....

Oh, and LTB (leave the bastard). Is that a MN acronym? If not I think it should be...

Seriously, he sounds like a sulker and they are HORRIBLE to live with (as I'm sure you know). No-one should have to put up with sulky shit every day of their life!

he sounds so charming and sweet! How could you even consider going without his joyous company?

Before I met my wonderful dh, I was trapped in an abusive relationship; if I didn't have such supportive friends/family, I'd still be there feeling helpless and broke. Despite having a professional qualification (which took me 4 years to achieve) I didn't work as my ex had systematically destroyed every ounce of confidence I had. Of course, I was just being a 'lazy bitch'. I had 10 years of hard work behind me plus those 4 years plus A'levels. Why would I suddenly stop the work I enjoyed so much?! Because that bastard knocked me so much that I didn't even realise it until too late. I remember standing in the kitchen afraid to afraid add pepper to a dish lest I get a verbal onslaught!! I mean: who really gives a toss about stuff like this apart from the controlling and abusive? My dh today doesn't give a stuff about such trivialities!

I do think you should go on your own ONCE he is out of your life. I used to hate going anywhere with my ex. I knew that should I show any sign of 'weakness' like jet lag or feeling ill, he would berate me for it. The last thing you need is to be in a strange country with this man. Believe me, it will be hell.

So do, do, do go on your own, but only once he has gone.