Background-I have been separated from my partner of 10 years for a year and a half now.We have three children one of which(dd) was born while we were separated and our eldest son is autistic with all its problems.We separated when i was 5 months pregnant with dd she was our little unplanned surprise.Ex p had huge difficulties accepting ds1 and his problems,he was never off his case and treated him as a badly behaved child firstly rather than one who had problems.
He never accepted dd while in my tum refusing to come to first scan or talk about babe whatsoever,and whenever someone else spoke of the baby exp changed the subject.My pregnancy with dd was my worst ever also coupled up with the problems with exp and ds1 i was having a really rough time until i could take no more and i asked him to leave,which after major discussions he did.
When dd was born we decided, mostly i must admit on his side, that we would give our relationship a try.I suffered from PND as i did after the other 2 kids and am even now still on and off medication.He never moved back into the family home even though it's what he really wanted,i never felt ready to have him come and live with us again.Throughout this trial of our relationship i was never fully sure what i wanted from him and he always new that it may never come round to us living together again,i always told him that i dont know which way my head is going and couldn't guarantee that i would take him back full time but if he wanted to wauit around it was up to him,so he did wait around until 5/6 months ago when we called it a day.
BUT..................Dd was 1 on 2nd november and i held a huge party/naming ceremony which exp attended.He then made no contact for a whole week which is very unusual of him.The scary part was though that when he did make contact i should have been fuming but i was only glad to see him.Over the fortnight since then i have discovered my feelings for him coming back.I discussed this with my bf on saturday then with exp on Monday night.He was shocked and stunned to say the least when i told him and laid myself bare to my feelings,we spoke till 1 in the morning,with him saying he didn't think it'd work because of so much that had gone on but that he loved me and still wanted me but wished i could have told him this 6 months before to which i replied that i didnt know i felt this way then.Anyway i walked around totally gutted,physically and emotionally i gave him everything on monday night.
He back in last night where he told me that he had met someone else and slept with her once,she is living unhappily with a partner and has 2 kids and i have fu**ed his head up because he felt he was moving on but me saying this has shown he hasnt really.
I fell so stupid to think that i could have the right to have him back and am trying to be strong and say to myself well i always knew that the day may come when i wanted him back but that it might be too late.I know the girl he was with and and everytime i stop and think i see her face with him or him with her kids and not mine.
WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE???
If you have gotten to this point thank you for taking the time to read about my sorry sorry mess.