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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do? :(

81 replies

kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 14:12

Have been with partner 7 years, and i have 1 child together and I have 1 ds from a previous relationship who call -d-p dad. Things have been a little bumpy for a while, nothing that I thought was that bad. Worse thing I thought was our love life taking a nose dive for the last year (ds2 is ny 13 months) but it had started picking up recently and I thought we were getting back on track.

He was using my laptop and didn't log out of facebook and so when i went on i noticed he had messages from next door neighbour and curiousity got the better of me. I looked. And then I wish I hadn't. There are over 1000 messages between them and while maybe 2/3rds are harmless what you having for tea type the others aren't. It's him basically painting my out to be a shit partner (i.e. kickmewhenimdown is away to xxxxx another town xxxxx wont be home till after 9, dont know what she does - when he knows fine well im at bloody uni doing my evening course to finish my degree) and him trying to get into her pants, asking what she wearing/to meet up/how much he fancies her. Neighbour seems to be going along with it. He's been telling her that he is only here for our son and would leave but doesn't want to see son homeless which is a crock of shit, I could afford to pay mortgage, id be poor but I would manage

I dont think they have done anything yet and I have copied messages into a file in case he deletes them. Im in a bloody quandry. On one hand I do love my partner and probably could forgive him eventually, and want to spend the rest of my life with him but on the other hand I think what a fucking fucking bastard, how could he fucking do this to us. I haven't let on that i know and dont know what to fucking do. I would have never in a million years thought he was capable of this :(

Its probably stupid of me but neighbour is a mess, looks like a junkie and had 3 of her kids taken off her, and literally one step away from being evicted. I feel ashamed that I am even feeling I have to compete with that. I dont blame her in any way though, it fucking him thats being a dick, she doesnt have any loyalty to me.

OP posts:
mojitomania · 29/02/2012 14:29

Oh blimey OP, feel for you. I personally would have to blow him out of the water for this. I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone act normal. Sod the fact that you looked at his messages.

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 14:41

And she still has the fucking nerve to come to my house when im in to ask for stuff like a shot of the phone etc shes using it right now and just feel sick looking at her. This is a fucking shit heap of mess. Maybe im too nice lol

OP posts:
mojitomania · 29/02/2012 14:47

What a brass neck ay! Don't fall into the trap of directing all your anger on her though OP. Your partner is the one in the relationship with you, he's the main perpertrator in this.

izzyizin · 29/02/2012 14:53

She's using your phone now? Shock

To do what? Send more messages to your dp?

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 14:55

Why on earth are you letting this happen op??? your being walked all over! :(

Rikalaily · 29/02/2012 15:00

Tell her to get the hell out of your house and then tell him the same thing when he drags his sorry arse home. What a bloody cheek, tell him to go live with her if you're such a shit partner!

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:04

she doesnt have a house phone and is having problems with her prepayment electric card so asked to use my phone. She does verge on being a problem neighbour. When i was off on maternity she and her ex would be at my door 5 -10 times a day asking for phone/dregs of partners ashtray (which i try not to judge on but really??)/to microwave things (she doesnt have a microwave) / tea, sugar, milk, juice, breakfast cereal for her kids/for a whole heap of other petty reasons. I do try to be neighbourly but sometimes I have just wanted to tell them to fuck off (especially when i first came off and was trying to breastfeed and was having to answer the door every half hour!) but this is a one way thing and we dont ask anything from them. Usually try to ignore them most of the time. Sorry thats a bit away from the point. AAArgh, just cant believe this is happening. I think partner wants his cake and to eat it, some of messages are mentioning a friends with benefit type thing. Fuckity fuck fuck.

OP posts:
PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 15:06

jesus :/ op, they are taking the piss out of you to an extent i only thought was possible in comedy.

if you can move, then move. just do it. I dont understand why you would want to live next door to someone who uses you as a charity.

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 15:06

yes, you are too nice

what the hell is wrong with you ?

get fucking rid of him, and keep her out of your house

do you really need to be told this ?

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:12

i cant move, i bought this house from council in my own name, then last year only had 7 years of mortgage to go and when i remortgaged I 'gifted' half of house to partner when I remortgaged (I was on maternity leave so wasn't earning enough for a remortgage on my own although i guess i could have left it in my name on a rolling monthly basis But we were in love). I would have the children most of the time and this home is 3 doors away from my mum, I actually like staying here. I guess he now has rights over half this house too (Its a flat and she stays right across the close from me).

OP posts:
PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 15:13

is this a wind up?

mojitomania · 29/02/2012 15:15

Are you going to confront him on this OP?

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:19

i dont know, ive only known since yesterday. I have been off with him all day and just feel sick to my stomach. I think if he apologises and begs forgiveness I could possibly forgive him. But then it just wouldn't be the same. I dont really know. I really hate confrontation, i am a bit of a wimp unless backed into a corner, in which case sparks fly.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 15:19

probably, puffty

is anyone this sappy in RL ?

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:20

Puffty, no its not a fucking wind up. I wish it was. This is the situation I have found myself in. Which part are you finding hard to believe.

OP posts:
SarahStratton · 29/02/2012 15:21

Does anyone actually scrounge for ashtray dregs too?

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 15:22

I feel ashamed that I have to compete with that

Nice

mojitomania · 29/02/2012 15:23

Hmmmm and there was me thinking what a drip but it takes all sorts Grin

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 15:23

sorry op, i just find it mad that this is actually going on somewhere or that people would let this happen. it actually boggles my mind

You really really really need to stop your neighbours coming over. just say no. if they dont like it and insist, you can get a restraining order maybe?

also boot your ass into gear and man up. people will walk all over you and that is not what your DC's need, i mean for fuck sake, your letting your neighbours invade your home whilst she's fucking your husband (or trying to)

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:24

I dont see it as sappy. Im in a situation and trying to figure out how to deal with it. Re the neighbours, I have thought about telling them to fuck off on several occasions but they are the type who would slash your tyres. We had our house robbed about 5 christmas' ago and although i cant prove it Im pretty god damn sure her ex was involved. The neighbours who live above her are more 'vocal' about them being nuisance neighbours and they have had their window shot at with an airgun, and her ex has tried to intimidate her on several occasions. If being 'nice' to them avoids that then yes i guess im being a sap.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 15:26

no, you are being a sap for even considering staying with this bloke and letting the woman who is trying to shag ponce off you

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 15:26

who he is trying to shag

you are also being offensive

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 15:28

MOVE HOUSE

sell it and move! there is nothing that would keep me living near people like that especially with children about!!!

by letting them use your house as they please, your basically letting them be shit neighbours and intimidate everyone around them.

mojitomania · 29/02/2012 15:29

I also apologise OP for my last posting but was a bit cross thinking that it could be a false post.

So, you're rather scared of the neighbours then, hence letting them take the piss. I can sort of understand that. But you have to put your big girl pants on and kick your partner across the road you know.

HoudiniHissy · 29/02/2012 15:34

Right!

rolls up sleeves

First things first, you get that ffing phone back, I dare say she is using that to text your scumbag of a soon to be Ex partner.

secondly you tell her that you have seen her messages to him and his to her and that if you ever see her show her face around yours again she better be prepared for a lesson in Vulgar English expressions.

Who gives a shit about her? Call the police every time she FARTS if you have to. Get her evicted if you must.

Meanwhile kick this shithead of a cocklodger out. Tell him that he's welcome to place a charge on the property for his share and when you sell it, it will automatically pay him out.

Then I would get your flat ready for rent and rent it out, using the rent to pay for another flat somewhere else.