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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do? :(

81 replies

kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 14:12

Have been with partner 7 years, and i have 1 child together and I have 1 ds from a previous relationship who call -d-p dad. Things have been a little bumpy for a while, nothing that I thought was that bad. Worse thing I thought was our love life taking a nose dive for the last year (ds2 is ny 13 months) but it had started picking up recently and I thought we were getting back on track.

He was using my laptop and didn't log out of facebook and so when i went on i noticed he had messages from next door neighbour and curiousity got the better of me. I looked. And then I wish I hadn't. There are over 1000 messages between them and while maybe 2/3rds are harmless what you having for tea type the others aren't. It's him basically painting my out to be a shit partner (i.e. kickmewhenimdown is away to xxxxx another town xxxxx wont be home till after 9, dont know what she does - when he knows fine well im at bloody uni doing my evening course to finish my degree) and him trying to get into her pants, asking what she wearing/to meet up/how much he fancies her. Neighbour seems to be going along with it. He's been telling her that he is only here for our son and would leave but doesn't want to see son homeless which is a crock of shit, I could afford to pay mortgage, id be poor but I would manage

I dont think they have done anything yet and I have copied messages into a file in case he deletes them. Im in a bloody quandry. On one hand I do love my partner and probably could forgive him eventually, and want to spend the rest of my life with him but on the other hand I think what a fucking fucking bastard, how could he fucking do this to us. I haven't let on that i know and dont know what to fucking do. I would have never in a million years thought he was capable of this :(

Its probably stupid of me but neighbour is a mess, looks like a junkie and had 3 of her kids taken off her, and literally one step away from being evicted. I feel ashamed that I am even feeling I have to compete with that. I dont blame her in any way though, it fucking him thats being a dick, she doesnt have any loyalty to me.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 29/02/2012 15:34

You don't like confrontation?

Print out 2 copies of the following message: Fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there, fuck off some more.

Give one to your neighbour and one to your 'd'p.

Although you've both signed up to a joint mortgage, you haven't 'gifted' half of your property to the twunt. How much has he contributed towards the repayments since that date?

Get yourself to a solicitor and find out what'll take to get him off the mortgage - do it now because the longer the leave it, the more equity he'll accrue and the more equity he accrues the more he'll be able to screw you.

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 15:34

We are in the process of doing the house up to put on the market. I imagine its going to take ages to sell though. Neighbours upstairs (their prime reason for moving is the said not so nice neighbours) have had theirs on the market for over a year and not even had any viewings.

TBH im just totally heartbroken atm. I cant believe he would do this and if I hadn't seen if with my own eyes I would have defended him to the last.

OP posts:
AwkwardMary · 29/02/2012 15:37

AnyFucker why is she being offensive? Is it SO beyng your ken that some people have very low self esteem....find it hard to say no.

These are the people who are bullied...which is what is happening here.

OP my guess is that your partner is working on this woman as he thinks she will gve him sex. You need to tell him to get out. He has shown NO respect.

I could not live with that kind of man.

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 16:24

alright op, another move, buy a mean looking dog, this way you can tell them to fuck off and they shouldnt bst into your house whilst there is a pissed off pooch there.

Original poster
kickmewhenimdown · 29/02/2012 17:46

puffty, have two dogs already but there are shih tzus so not likely to frighten anyone :)

OP posts:
PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 17:50

I really cannot offer any more advice, good luck op! i hope you manage to sort this out.

something2say · 29/02/2012 18:07

I think the heartbreak trumps the action right now.

You sound in shock. Is there anywhere you can go to think for a while? Even for a bit tonight?

Work out what you want to do. Break up with him? Work out what you are going to tell firstly him, and then her. How long can you pretend you don't know? Once the cat is out of the bag, that'll be different.

take care x

SmilesThroughGrittedTeeth · 29/02/2012 18:37

I don't see how you can stay with him. His association with someone who is dangerous and/or dates dangerous people has exposed you and your children to potential danger/violence. This person and whoever she chooses to tell knows some of the dynamic in your home (at least what she has been told) and has probably developed less respect for you (if she had any before - no offense - she doesn't sound the type to respect anyone). Your home and your security have been violated.

How little he values the safety of his own family - doesn't that say anything to you?

mumtobe123 · 29/02/2012 19:35

OMG anyfucker, i always see you on posts and you are always horrible!

and pufftymagic dragon, you are no better.

People are just asking for advice and it is their lives and it is real and horrible for them, try being sensitive. Why are people like you on this site if you can't show empathy or compassion?

mumtobe123 · 29/02/2012 19:36

OMG anyfucker, i always see you on posts and you are always horrible!

and pufftymagic dragon, you are no better.

People are just asking for advice and it is their lives and it is real and horrible for them, try being sensitive. Why are people like you on this site if you can't show empathy or compassion?

Doha · 29/02/2012 20:22

mumtobe123. Anyfucker is a frequent poster on MN and l would never call her horrible. She says things how she sees things and is very straight talking.
She actually gives very good advice on here and l can't see anthing horrible that she has said.
She said what she thinks...

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 29/02/2012 20:39

If I had a thread on the Relationships board, I would rather have one pithy reply from AF than any number of saccharine "helpful" comments. I am an addicted lurker, spend hours a lot of time here and am secretly in lurve with AF Blush

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 20:44

am I off your Xmas card list then, mumtobe123 ?

< gutted >

clam · 29/02/2012 20:47
rhondajean · 29/02/2012 20:55

This is a horrible situation.

He is not only a cheat, he is a fecking stupid cheat who has obviously never heard the saying don't shit on your own doorstep.

Next time she asks for the ashtray, give her it. Right over her head. The contents I mean! Not advocating hitting her with an ashtray.

Your problem isn't really her though it's him and I'm worried you're focusing a bit too much on her. Though you do sound in shock.

PufftyMagicDragon · 29/02/2012 21:02

mumtobe123

well, seeing as this is the internet, we can offer any advice we see fit. Besides, a kick up the bum is always far more helpful than hearing what you want to hear in the long rum. also I love AF (been on here a while now!) and ive not found any post where ive disagreed with her

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 21:10

< stuffs envelopes with fivers and puts them in the post >

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 29/02/2012 21:13

Don't need a fiver - just love reading AF's posts.

neuroticmumof3 · 29/02/2012 21:14

I think AF always sums it up nicely. Advice wise I think you need to see a solicitor pretty quick about the house. Kick him out. Stop being nice to your neighbour. You say they are very close to being evicted, if they cause you any grief report it and perhaps that will help hurry the eviction along. Then you'll be able to sell your flat if you want to.

BettyPerske · 29/02/2012 21:15

Yes you are wise to tread carefully with the sort of neighbours who will have no compunction at returning any aggression tenfold.

I would be trying to get the hell out of that house, I really would, and if you can contribute to having the neighbours evicted then do it. This situation has really upset me to read about, as I can't bear the thought of these people treating you and everyone else like total sh*t while no one stops them.

It's not your fault. I hope you can find a way out. I really do. It sounds absolutely awful Sad

AwkwardMary · 29/02/2012 21:41

I don't think AF has been reasonable at all. She comes across as needlesly bullying and mean. What's with the hero worship of mean people?

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 21:48

AM, do you have any advice for the OP, that doesn't involve making this thread all about me ?

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 29/02/2012 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 22:01

I ain't here

< adjusts tache >

AnyFucker · 29/02/2012 22:02

It's probably stupid of me but neighbour is a mess, looks like a junkie and had 3 of her kids taken off her, and literally one step away from being evicted. I feel ashamed that I am even feeling I have to compete with that.

I speak as I find