Does anyone else think this is a bit pervy...??

[RedZuleika]

Humour me...

Imagine a scenario where a father, as part of horseplay, regularly turns his 9/10 year old daughter over (onto a bed, chair etc) and spanks her lightly on her (clothed) bottom. Or slaps her bottom as she walks past him.

Well - does anyone else think this is a bit pervy...??

But you're making a judgement on him based purely on your own opinion, not on any hard facts. All you have witnessed is a guy playing with his kid, If there was anything other than a bit of horse play going on then he wouldn't be doing it in front of you. You are of course entitled to your opinion that this is unacceptable but that doesn't mean you are right.
if its just horseplay and both parent and child are justing having fun then the guy is doing nothing wrong!

your right the larger percentage of sexual abusers are male, but does that mean that we have the right to judge this guy based on others mens wrong doing's??

i disagree that if there was anything more than horseplay he wouldnt be doing it in front of you - he may very well be donig exactly that to 'normalise' it.

some tickling and 'play' in front of mum convinces child that whatever else goes on is known by mum / ok too. 'special tickles / cuddles' says daddy.

NOT saying that is the case in this instance - i have no way of knowing that! just pointing out generally that you cannot assume that someone who 'horseplays' is innocent because they tickle in public!

no, of course you can't. but you also can't jump to the conclussion that there is something "pervy" going on just because you see a man and his child having a bit of horseplay

I don't think it's as clear as that I'm making a judgement. I'm not saying the man is a paedophile and should be locked up. I just have a certain gut reaction to this - and I'm wondering who shares it.

Sorry to hear about your experiences, Mytwopenceworth - although I have learned a new word today (pogonophobia)!

newbie, no and I don't think anyone is.

I do understand what you're saying but really but if instinctively RZ feels there's something amiss and so posts asking for opinions, she, I nor anyone else who's posted is casting a slur on men in general, just theorising regarding the situation described in the OP.

nope, you cant do that either. but you can have a 'feeling'. now you may not be able to explain logically WHY you have a feeling, but you can either go - ahhh sweet, or that's a bit off (ok, im sure you can think lots of other things too, but trying to keep it simple so i dont confuse myself!!)

You are picking up non-verbal clues.

2 daddies horseplaying with 2 daughters

body language of one is comfortable, easy, relaxed. body language of other is tense - especially from daughter.

you may not be able to point and say
the position of her arm crossed over her chest indicates that she is trying to protect herself
or
their palms open, facing one another, indicates a close relationship and openness
but on a subconscious level you will pick up all these non-verbal clues and you will react to them, like i say with ahhh, or

I kow i have been too 'black and white' but i hope you know what i am getting at.

if you feel uneasy about what you see it may be that you have seen more than you are able to consciously identify.

M2p, I was sorry to read about what you went through. Your points in your posts are so true, IMO. Instinct goes a long way in certain situations.

I do see what you are saying and agree with what you say. If somebody does have a genuine gut feeling that something is wrong then they should do somehting about it.

what worries me is that in this day and age we are all so scared of our children being abused that we have gone to far the other way, it very easy to jump to conclusions when witnessing what may be very innocent behaviour.

We are bombarded in the media with stories that horrify us about the terrible things that some people do to children, but despite how it may appear this incidents are are not common and most men are normal loving fathers, not child abuser's

ta L. my father behaved in an inappropriate manner at times when i was growing up. that is why i felt it appropriate to this discussion. I am not suggesting for a moment that he sexually abused me but it does mean i am a bit sensitive to daughter/daddy dynamics in general.

Interesting one, this. I've certainly known families where it was all a bit too, well, cosy for my liking - and others in which physicality was very relaxed and open; and others again, like mine, in which I'd certainly have taken that as a comment, not a nice one, on the size of my arse.

My Dp tickles his own too girls aged 3 and two a lot. He tends to pick them up and do it, although i don't thin i've ever seen him slap thier bums.

Its his way of showing affection i think, he isn't very demonstative when it comes to his kids
Does this make him a perv?

With my own dd also 3 he does tickle now and again but she hates being tickled by any one anyway.

He will bath his own dd's on his own or we will both do all 3 together but he will never do all 3 on his own or my dd on his own either. If she gets into bed with us in the morning or in the middle of the night he will pass her over to me or if she won't budge he will get up and get into bed next to me. He's also paranoid about the kids seeing him in the bath or on the bog.. he locks the door!

It is difficult for men these days and its a shame that men are made to feel like pervs for playing with thier kids.. where do they draw the line?

theres a feeling youg et when somethings not right. you can get it with a creepy look, or a double entandre remark, an accidental brush past. things you cant quite put your finger on - stuff you cant explain - i tried to explain it to my daughter i told her theres a 6th sense - listen to it.

i think to try and explain this feeling is really hard. its practicaly impossible for a child or young person.

now in some families ( like mine) we are a horseplay house. where anything from face farting ( i dont participate) to front room boxing to tickling til you cry "i nnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeed a weeeeeeeeeeeeee" happens a lot.

now hopefully i have put a context to what i mean.

if you think somethings a bit suss but its unexplainable then what CAN you do about it?

if you just think its wrong to be embarassing a pre pubesent kid - then thats a world apart.

i think you know in your heart the answer - the question is what are the options now?

I would speak out, always. Even if it is totally innocent, there are ways you can have a word with someone without making them feel like a perv, but making them think at the same time. As Custy says, we women have this thing called intuition, I find that most of the time it's right, it's just a pity we don't listen to it more often. If it feels wrong to you then it probably is wrong.