Does anyone else think this is a bit pervy...??

[RedZuleika]

Humour me...

Imagine a scenario where a father, as part of horseplay, regularly turns his 9/10 year old daughter over (onto a bed, chair etc) and spanks her lightly on her (clothed) bottom. Or slaps her bottom as she walks past him.

Well - does anyone else think this is a bit pervy...??

well i was in a similar situation , not with my dad i hasten to add
i spent about five years trying to avoid the person
i hoped and hoped someone would intervene
it was fkn hideous

and i was v confident

Surely the interpretation of the whole scenario depends on the quality of the relationships within the whole family?

So if the atmosphere is generally strained and awkward, if there's a lot of anger, lots of things they don't talk about, then yes, it could be indicative of a problem.

If the family is generally warm, open and loving, then it's probably just harmless horseplay.

I've noticed that dh has cut back on things like this with dd1 (10), though he might swipe her on the bum as she passed if she'd been jokey/cheeky. He is also inclined to avoid going into the bathroom if she's in the bath, even though she isn't remotely pubescent yet.

I've noticed the change in his behaviour, but I don't think she has. They still have a very warm and loving relationship though, so if she was uncomfortable with him tickling her, she would just shout, 'Get off!' and storm off in a huff.

But in a family with lots of complicated unexpressed emotions, it might not be as straightforward for a girl to draw those boundaries.

Depends. Has he always played like this with his child? I know I play with my boys like this, tip them over, pretend to beat them up! tickle, pretend pinch and yes, slap bums too. They are 5 and 6 and we have a lovely time playing together. I think I would find it hard to judge when to stop, if they were still having fun and I was, how old should they be when you dont play fight anymore? I can imagine a parent not really realising that their child was growing up, iyswim, still playing the daft games you always have! - Your kids are always your babies!!

However, if this game has only started to be played recently, then i would feel concerned. Similarly, if the child was uncomfortable, then the game should stop instantly.

Also, if EVERY time the child is within reach, her bottom gets slapped and EVERY time they interact, her bottom gets slapped, to the extent where any games played at any time involved bottom slapping - that would also make me feel unsure.

Bottom line - if it gives either the girl or those watching the heebie jeebies then it should stop.

excuse last sentence. no pun intended.

Similar situation here Harpsi. I don't really understand why my mum didn't say anything though I know that she never let me out of her sight when he was visiting. I guess she felt that the tickling was part and parcel of messing about with family and I'm sure she didn't want me to know about previous events. I don't blame her as she's only ever done what she thought was right, but do feel a bit weird about it. Knowing what I know, I absolutely hated seeing him in the same room as the next generation of females.
However I do think it is difficult for men. Recent thread about bathing with daughters was interesting as someone's visitor had commented that bathing with a 6yo was inappropriate (I hope I got the age right). I imagine the years go fast and between 6 and 9 as fast as any and so it could be innocent. Again, on the other hand, you have to put your concerns for the girl ahead of any potential upset for the father.

Sounds dodgy to me. 9/10 year olds are not babies.

sounds fine to me and not all all pervy. What next? Dads won't be able to kiss their children over a certain age?

I was asked by my elderly neighbour once to sit on his knee. I had visited loads of times mostly when his wife was there. I can't remember details, but I think he just hugged me really tight and I didn't like it. So I told my mum and she said I wasn't allowed in there again. She also said don't mention it to your Dad. I was only allowed in after that when the wife was there. They fascinated me, this old couple. She used to make toffee with me or just tell me old stories. I think I was about 7.

Unfortunately for children today, we are telling them what is inappropriate. I will be telling my DS as soon as he is old enough that the only person who should touch his willy/bum is me, DH or his childminder. It's really sad but my father has grown with the times and he is 74. He wouldn't dream of doing that to any of his great grandaughters!! He knows that he is also protecting them by not doing it. They then won't let anyone else. I know this is sad, but what can you do. I have said this before, but abuse is nearly always someone you know & trust.

no, he shouldnt touch a ten year old's bottom.

We have bottom biters in this house, no one knows where they come from, they just appear and pinch your bottom.

DS went backwards up the stairs to avoid them tonight. It is innocent fun and we enjoy it, but even at 4.5 he is articulate enough to say, when tired......nnnooooooo leave me alone, so I am sure a 9 year old is just capable.

I sometimes chase our children 9 and 12 up the stairs and whack their bottoms - they shriek and get up the stairs pretty quick but obviously all in fun - Am I a perv?

Well if you're a perv then so am I. DS2 (9) and DD (6) often get chased upstairs with me slapping their bottoms. DS2 has a lovely little bum and I have been known to pinch it too in jest. I wouldn't dream of doing it to DS1 who is 12 though.

I am going to pinch my DS very lovely bottom until he is 12, he is now 2. But I wouldn't want anyone else to do it. He has such a nice peachy bottom, it begs to be kissed, squidged and walloped (in a nice way). Thats it really. Also his little fat legs need to be squished, kissed, and wuuuuurrrrrloped all of the time. Even though he hates it. But mummy loves it

Oh and his baby feet, well I can't say enough about them. The toes have to be kissed on an hourly basis. They are such lovely little feet!!!

I obviously need a stuffed toy. I kiss my DS tooooooooo much.

I kiss ds2 on the back of his dear little neck while he is on the loo (he's only just learning to use it) I worry he will end up with a golden shower fetish but I can't help it.

re original question; I think 10 would be a decent age to slowly withdraw this kind of bottom centred play, sad though it is to see the end of an era pass. If the girl starts mensturating early and she is turned over and spanked playfully it's going to be awfully uncomfortable for everyone concerned, IYSWIM

Hells teeth, I do this with my dd, my dh tickles her, in the morning she gets into bed with us.

Call the frigging perve police!

wE love each other and we are very physicaly demonstrative. I was never brought up like this, and I wish I had been.

My dh is a great big bloke and he always hugs people. I remember my elderly aunts tittlering with pleaseure when he first met them and gave them a great big hug. It took me years to get over my shock at people hugging me....I used to physicaly shrink away from them.....so rude and so unhealthy.

Poor bloody fathers, they can't do anything right.

ditto mb. Sad to hear so many people find this potentially pervy.
Me and dh do this with our 6 year old dd, and I hope for a few more years too.
My side of the family don't do hugs etc - my brother shakes my hand when we meet FFS - and dh's are very demonstrative. It's so much nicer.

It's not the slapping as she walks past - that seems random and spontaneous - more the turning her onto a bed/chair and lightly spanking which I find slightly unsettling. I can't imagine any fathers of 10 yr old daughters that I know doing that, or even the former.

I'm not saying that hugs cuddles are out of bounds beyond a certain age, but for fathers I think daughters' bottoms are.

my mum used to do this till I was mid teens - by that age I used to HATE it! I don't think it's a pervy thing, but I do think by this age she might appreciate it if he stopped this!

How does the girl react when dad slaps her? Maybe a tactful way to bring it up might be to tell the dad that although you know it's innocent, others may not. That might get him thinking about the perceptions others might have about this type of thing.

Sorry Red, only just returned to the thread:

I am trying hard to remember, but I think the girls would have been 8 and 9 in fact when he was doing it. I know he used to do it when they were younger and presumably saw no need to stop - although I presume he does not do it any longer now they are 14 and nearly 16 . It would be interesting to know when and why he stopped actually, I will ask him next time I see him. He is a fantastic bloke and probably the best dad I know. The game was just very amusing for him and the girls and was mostly so funny because he played a parody of a stern dad which was a million miles away from what he was really like. He would wag his finger and say in a stupid high voice "now I'm going to smack you young lady", cue wrestling and delighted squeals from the girls.

I can't remember him doing it after about 8 or 9 years old, which suggests that he or they must have become uncomfortable with it and stopped. Seems a shame to me in some ways.

And I'm sorry to hear about those people who had a bad experience with 'games' like this at the hands of someone with unpleasant motives. I just wanted to show that it doesn't always mean there is something funny going on.